It had started off as a prank, but when Major Elyse Livesay discovered (during her solo space walk, no less!) the tarantula that the boys in the crew had slipped into her spacesuit, she knew that while in space no one could hear you scream, it was damn sure not for lack of trying.

That's one of the many entries, simultaneously wonderful and appalling, in this year's Bullwer-Lytton contest. I led with it because it was space themed. Never let it be said that I get stuck in a rut--I am the darned rut.

Here's the contest winner:

On reflection, Angela perceived that her relationship with Tom had always been rocky, not quite a roller-coaster ride but more like when the toilet-paper roll gets a little squashed so it hangs crooked and every time you pull some off you can hear the rest going bumpity-bumpity in its holder until you go nuts and push it back into shape, a degree of annoyance that Angela had now almost attained.

It wouldn't have been my pick. If you have the time, and need some side-splitting humor to provide a little break from our War On Terrorism that seems to be more of a War On Common Sense, when it should be a War On Islamism, go read them all here.

And to think that Brendan O'Neill thought that bloggers were bad writers...

The contestants to this contest are geniuses, indeed prodigies, of bad writing. We could all take a lesson from them.

(Thanks to Dave Trowbridge, who needs not thank me for the blogroll addition--it was long overdue--for the link.)

Have you ever read the results of the Bad Hemingway writing contest? More sheer distilled brilliance.

Actually, Bulwer-Lytton wasn't as bad as he's made out to be. Anyone who cites "dark and stormy night" as the epitome of bad writing should know that B-L also gace us "the pen is mightier than the sword" (which may be so but it doesn't stand a chance against a Browning M2 .50 cal... I'd even bet on an M14 against a pen).

So...don't bring a pen to a knife-fight?

Oops. Backwards. Don't bring a knife to a pen-fight.

Poor knives. They don't get no respect.

Even worse, don't bring a pun to a...

Naaaaah. Forget it.

As Holmes would say: "My blushes!" Thanks!