Don’t hang curtains while nude, with an upright potato sitting on the kitchen table:

The vicar had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the vegetable, one of a range of odd items medics in Sheffield have had to remove from people’s backsides or genitals.

Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll – and a carnation.

I really hate it when you accidentally fall bare-assed on a carnation.

[Update a while later]

This raised my eyebrows:

A hospital trust spokeswoman in Sheffield said: “Like all busy hospitals we do see some unusual accidents.

“But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way.”

Yes, because there’s nothing more discreet than talking to a reporter for the Telegraph, and making it national (and on the web, therefore international) news.