December 22, 1944

BASTOGNE (Routers) A generous German offer of surrender terms was crudely rebuffed by an American general in this besieged Belgian town today, reinforcing the growing image of America as a brutish cowboy in the OK Corral, and almost certainly dooming it and its inhabitants.

The town has been under attack by German artillery almost since the beginning of the latest successful German offensive six days ago, and has been surrounded by German troops for the past two days. Its only defense has been the US 101st Airborn Division, under the command of General Anthony C. McAuliffe.

At 11:30 AM this morning, the German commander, General Heinrich von Luettwitz of the XLVIIth Armored Corps, sent negotiators in to arrange for the peaceful handover of the town. There are varying stories about what occurred next.

Some say that General McAuliffe’s response was a single word–“Nuts!”–a word that the German officer sent to negotiate had trouble translating back to his superiors. Other firsthand reports suggest, however, that the General actually issued a two-word reply, one in the imperative case suggesting that the unfortunate officer have someone engage him unwillingly in activity of a sexual nature, but one that was also more readily and universally understood.

In either case, the negotiations were ended, and with them any prospects for saving the town. As a result of the general’s needlessly insulting recalcitrance, the destruction of the town is now all but certain, and the lives of its terrified residents and defenders likely forfeit.

Surprisingly, some have defended the general, pointing out that the value of German surrender offers had been severely debased after the “massacre” of American POWs at Malmedy just five days earlier.

However, back in Washington, many were privately appalled. One State Department official noted that this could only diminish Americans in the eyes of the world as a heartless and base people, who don’t understand the exigencies and nuance of war. “General von Luettwitz is a noble aristocrat–not the SS troops at Malmedy, and anyway, we still don’t have all the facts on that. That town could have been spared,” he went on, “but General McAuliffe put his own ego and stubbornness ahead of the lives of the townspeople and his own men. But then, what do you expect from a hick who went to the University of West Virginia?”

Some at the Pentagon were dismayed as well. “Now we’re going to have to risk many more men to go in and save his sorry ass,” groaned an undersecretary. “Maybe Patton can do it, in between slapping enlisted men.”

The White House had no official comment, but staffers indicated that the general was perfectly justified in light of the Malmedy incident. It was clear that despite his incompetence and rashness, the general continues to have the president’s full support, and that the war effort would continue, despite its seeming hopelessness, as the tide of world opinion continues to turn against the nation.

(Copyright Rand Simberg 2004)

December 17th, 1944

PARIS (Routers) Long-time critics of the Roosevelt administration declared themselves vindicated today, as the Germans began a renewed offensive yesterday in the Ardennes Forest in Belgium, opening a huge hole in the “Allied” lines and throwing back troops for miles, with previously unimaginable US casualties.

Early yesterday morning, eight German armored divisions and thirteen German infantry divisions launched an all-out attack on five divisions of the United States 1st Army. Hundreds of heavy guns, howitzers and multiple-rocket launchers were fired on American positions.

The 5th and 6th Panzer armies, consisting of some eleven divisions, broke through the Loshein Gap against the American divisions protecting the region. The 6th Panzer Army then headed north while the Fifth Panzer Army went south. The latter army attacked the U. S. VIII Corps some 100 miles to the south, which was quickly surrounded, resulting in mass surrenders of unprepared American soldiers. By any reasonable and objective standard, it was an utter military disaster for the “Allied” forces.

It all came as a complete shock to the Roosevelt administration who, rumor has it, had been informed by the head of OSS that the imminent collapse of the German army was a “lead-pipe cinch.” This only confirmed reasonable pre-election suspicions that the administration and General Eisenhower were operating on flawed intelligence, and led the nation into an invasion of Europe on clearly false pretenses.

This new setback came amidst continuing problems with the new government in France, installed by the “Allies.” Many consider it a puppet, lacking legitimacy, and it has proven itself inept. The situation is chaotic, and “President” De Gaulle has shown himself to be unable to control food riots, or prevent the commission of massacres of former regime loyalists and the German troops who had supported the overthrown legitimate Vichy government. Though elections are promised sometime in the future, there is widespread doubt, given the infighting between FRLs, communists, and Gaullists, that peaceful and orderly elections can be held any time soon or that civil war can be prevented.

Many have pointed out that the troop strength on the continent has been inadequate since the invasion at Normandy last June, and that this only confirmed that. In addition, they say, it didn’t help that, due to incompetence at the highest levels, up to the newly installed Secretary of War Hull, many troops died as a result of our own bombs.

“They ignored our warnings about getting embroiled in a quagmire here, and this campaign has been a disaster, from the hundreds killed in training, to the thousands who died on the beaches in France,” said an anonymous State Department source. He continued, “We’ve also shamed ourselves before the world with our reckless policies and atrocities.” In the wake of all this, some, off the record, are suggesting that it’s time to consider impeachment of the recently reelected president.

Back in Washington, despite lofty rhetoric from the White House about the “liberation” of Europe, many had always been skeptical about the prospects for defeating Germany. As they correctly point out, the Germans are after all defending their homeland, and no matter how bad the alleged depravations of the Nazi regime, all familiar with the German character know that they can be depended on to fight to the death against any foreign invader, no matter how well intentioned. Many of the German dead or captured for the past few weeks have been adolescents, some only fourteen or fifteen years old, with dead, untrained yet willing hands clinging to their rifles. Seeing such images of dedication to the cause, it’s difficult for many to believe that victory is possible.

As a result, the new setback has renewed rumbling among some that the time has come to seek an accord with the Nazi regime that could allow a withdrawal from Europe with honor, and not lose any more American troops in a hopeless cause, let alone bog them down for an unforeseeable period of time. “It was Japan that attacked us, not Germany,” pointed out a Senate staffer. “We need to focus our resources on the true enemy in the Pacific.”

Some staffers on Capitol Hill implied that the timing itself of the offensive was suspicious. “Hitler wanted Roosevelt to be reelected, so that he could continue to fight a war against a sick, senile incompetent. Had he started this offensive before the election back on November 7th, everyone would have seen what a disaster this president has been on foreign policy, and Hitler would have had to confront a young, vibrant Tom Dewey.”

Others, representing moderate Democrats, seemed resigned. “We’re stuck with a stubborn megalomaniac who’s eventually going to have us at war with the rest of the world. How long will our Russian allies put up with this kind of behavior? How can we found or host a ‘United Nations’ when we ourselves are the author of so much aggression?”

(Copyright 2004, by Rand Simberg)

…when Iowahawk goes after you.

On this Thanksgiving Eve, it is indeed a wonderful life.

…when Iowahawk goes after you.

On this Thanksgiving Eve, it is indeed a wonderful life.

…when Iowahawk goes after you.

On this Thanksgiving Eve, it is indeed a wonderful life.

ANN ARBOR (APUPI) In a catastrophe certain to reverberate throughout American society for decades, millions of the MTV generation have succumbed suddenly in the past twenty-four hours, after ignoring rapper P. Diddy’s and Senator Hillary Clinton’s frantic warnings over the past weeks.

“I feel like I failed,” said the morose musician. “I called millions of young people in the hopes that we could avoid this, but somehow the message just didn’t get through.”

The unprecedented die-off has resulted in horrific scenes all across the nation. Bodies are stacking up on college campuses, in pizza parlors, malls, and bars, and the older survivors have their hands full keeping up with it. Cruelly, the affliction doesn’t always kill. There are many who live, but in a zombie-like state–those who made it to the polling place, but couldn’t quite figure out how to work the machines.

Elderly workers, seemingly immune to whatever is causing this, are performing triage and trying to sort those who have been felled by their failure to vote, those who are merely injured but can survive with a rapid administration of provisional ballots, and those Bush supporters who are just sleeping off a bender after celebrating the night before.

Authorities have been unable to estimate the total number of casualties, which continues to grow hourly, but the few survivors are envying the dead. Upon seeing the carnage and contemplating life without their cohorts, many now regret their own votes yesterday, particularly with the loss of their candidate, Senator Kerry.

One young woman stared across a sunny quad full of her former classmates, limbs askew as they fell where they stood, many still clutching their color-coordinated cell phones. There was a dazed look of disbelief in her eyes. “I warned my roommate about what P. Diddy said,” she sobbed. “But she wouldn’t listen. She said she was too busy, and she didn’t know anything about the issues.”

“I told her that wasn’t important, that what was important was to make her voice heard, no matter how uninformed and incapable of critical thinking she was, but I couldn’t get her there, and now it’s too late.”

“My boyfriend is gone, my candidate lost. Why did I vote? What is there left to live for?”

It’s too early to know the full sociological impact of this new holocaust, but it may be similar to Europe in the early twentieth century, when millions of young men were slaughtered in the flower of their youth in the Great War. Except this time, the culling had no gender bias–both young men and young women have been cut down in equal numbers, at least relieving any potential imbalance. Some have even pointed out that there’s a silver lining to the dark cloud. The average IQ of the nation is expected to skyrocket almost overnight.

Young Bush voters are saddened, but stoic.

“We have to go on,” said one young couple. “We’re now the hope of our generation.”

WASHINGTON (APUPI) In response to complaints from the Bush campaign today, the Federal Election Commission has decided to look into the sources of financing for Al Qaeda, to determine if any election laws were broken by the recent video released featuring its leader, Osama bin Laden.

A campaign spokesman claimed that, with all of his harsh criticism of the president, the terrorist leader was clearly supporting the Kerry campaign.

“He may not have explicitly endorsed Senator Kerry, but he clearly skirted the edges of the McCain-Feingold law. Anyone can look at that tape and tell that Osama wants our opponent to win this election,” claimed a campaign spokesman.

He went on, “This new Kerry endorsement by yet another world leader is just their latest October surprise, coming just four days before the election. ‘Bush lied, we made the terrorists mad, he sat there reading to kids instead of evacuating the trade center,’ yada yada yada. They can deny it all they want, but Osama’s clearly illegally coordinating with Moveon.org and Michael Moore.”

Arousing further suspicion were rumors of cutting-room floor portions of the video that showed bin Laden mocking Bush by accusing him of “outsourcing” his capture to Afghans.

The commission will be investigating whether or not Al Qaeda has properly registered as a 527 corporation, and looking into all potential sources for its funding. It’s of particular concern that foreign funds may have poured into this newest anti-Bush group. They will also be following any potential money trails that could lead back to George Soros.

A subpoena will be going out this weekend to an undisclosed location in northeast Pakistan, bin Laden’s last known whereabouts, requiring him to provide cancelled checks, bank receipts, email and postal communications between his and other anti-Bush advocacy organizations, cell phone records and other documents that might shed light on potential violations of the campaign finance laws.

A senior Al Qaeda spokesman said in a phone call that they wouldn’t accept such a subpoena, though he didn’t say whether or not they would simply refuse it, or decapitate the servicer.

“Sheik Osama is very ill and tired, and has no time for such nonsense from The Great Satan,” he complained. “We have had no contact with any of the infidels for either campaign,” he angrily claimed, to the sounds of Farenheit 911 playing in the background.

Coming so late in the campaign, the investigation is not expected to bear fruit before the election is over (the end of which is now projected by Kerry campaign lawyers to occur sometime in late May, 2006, once all the appeals have been exhausted), but if convicted, bin Laden’s organization could be fined up to half a million dollars, and he could serve up to six months in federal prison.

Questions to the Justice Department as to the probability of his serving time with Martha Stewart were unanswered as of this report.

Here is the most heart-rending and effective anti-Kerry ad I’ve seen yet, from a new 527–Swift Geese Veterans For Truth.

The contemporary elitist capitalistic racist sexist Francophobic narrative is that Jacques Derrida has undergone the ultimate deconstruction.

But if, as he once suggested, we use postcultural structuralist theory to deconstruct hierarchy, then it could be said that the characteristic theme of this pseudo event is in reality the rubicon of neodialectic bioidentity. In fact, consider this in the context of the fact that he actively promoted the use of predialectic narrative to challenge society, thus contextualising the subject into a neodialectic deconstruction that includes reality as a totality. By this reasoning (bearing in mind that reason is not a road to truth), it could be said that death itself is dead.

Just as Foucault’s model of postmaterial patriarchialist theory states that language serves to exploit minorities (and thus serve majorities, such as the dead), so will the inevitability of the ultimate choice, between neodialectic deconstruction and posttextual nihilism.

If one examines predialectic narrative, one is faced with another choice: either accept cultural demodernism or conclude that the significance of the participant, dead or alive, is social comment, given that reality is equal to consciousness, and death is equal to the ultimate unconsciousness. The premise of the capitalist paradigm of discourse suggests that culture is used to entrench outdated, lifeist perceptions of class, including the ultimate oppressed, those no longer even with us, as the current narrative suggests that Derrida is.

Ultimately, that will be his legacy–the destruction of communication, and the decimation of clear thinking in many university English departments.

Here is a memorial website to him and his works.

It seems to be a work in progress–the HTML is crude, and the scoring isn’t working correctly on the “Coalition” question yet (what do you expect from a UN project?), but I think I’ve found the Global Test that John Kerry was talking about the other night.

[Update at 5:30 PM EDT]

For those into sixties nostalgia, Iowahawk has dredged up a long-lost script of that old western, Johnny Nuance. I’ll bet that guy could have passed the Global Test blindfolded, and with one treaty tied behind his back.

[Sunday afternoon update]

The scoring seems to be working properly on the coalition-building portion of the test now.