Category Archives: Satire

Satire

Assimilated

Iowahawk has another report from the strife-torn Midwest, and it’s encouraging–only a minority of Lutherans are in favor of decapitating Presbyterians and other infidels:

“The only demographic cohort we saw where murderous random violence had a majority support was among 18-35 year old male followers of the Wisconsin Synod,” said Kohut. “And that was barely above the margin of error. Even then, fewer than half (41% to 46%) said they would personally volunteer to carry out the violence themselves.”

Further bolstering the findings, Kohut noted that fewer than 6% of respondents physically attacked field interviewers during the survey.

Although a majority 87% of respondents agreed that “The world should be brought to submission under global Lutheran conquest and eternal perfect rule,” there was a great deal of disagreement on the means to accomplish it. More than 95% supported “pancake breakfasts” and “popcorn fundraisers,” but support dropped to less than 80% for “cow tipping” and “T-P’ing infidel houses.” Support dropped even more dramatically for more violent means of conquest, such as “suicide bombing” (28%), “decapitation” (24%), and “running over Presbyterians with my Ski-Doo” (23%).

Satire

Is That A Gun In Your Pocket?

Iowahawk has been dumpster diving again, and come up with the first draft of Dan Simpson’s modest proposal:

The disarmament process would begin after the initial three-month amnesty. Then, special squads of police would be somehow formed and trained to carry out the work. Then, on a random basis to permit no advance warning, BLAMMO! city blocks and stretches of suburban and rural areas would be cordoned off and searches carried out in every business, dwelling, and empty building, bedside drawer, farm field, tree, culvert, bush, stalagtyte cave, water tower, and body cavity. The special squads would receive special training in scuba, spelunking and interrogation techniques. All firearms would be seized. The owners of weapons found in the searches would be prosecuted: $1,000 and one year in prison for each firearm. The gun owner prison should probably be put between the museum and the arsenal for efficiency, such as for guard training and so forth.

Clearly, since such sweeps could not take place all across the country at the same time. But fairly quickly there would begin to be gun-swept, gun-free areas where there should be no firearms. After the sweeps are done, the special squads would put big signs all over the swept area that said “NO GUNS HERE” in order to restore public calm. For signs, maybe the special squads could use something like the big inflatable gorilla like the one I saw atop Lakeside Subaru last week, when I was getting the oil changed on my Impreza.

But, just in case any wiseacres in the swept areas somehow figured out how to avoid seizure, anybody carrying guns would be subject to quick confiscation and prosecution. On the streets it would be a question of stop-and-search of anyone, even grandma with her walker, with the same penalties for “packing.” The roaming squads of special police have a question for Grandma: do you feel lucky, you depends-wearing punk?

Satire

Democrats Announce New Diplomatic Policy

WASHINGTON (APUPI) In a new attempt to finally bring a rogue regime to heel, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced today that they plan to diplomatically isolate the White House.

In response to an invitation from the president to come to the White House and discuss a troop funding bill, Senator Reid rejected it, saying “We won’t meet with preconditions. We hope that the road to peace lies down Pennsylvania Avenue, but we can’t trust this administration, and they don’t seem willing to negotiate on our obvious need to get the troops out of Iraq as soon as possible, and to lard the funding bill with things like spinach subsidies, despite the fact that we obviously couldn’t have passed it in the form we wanted without them.”

Speaker Pelosi agreed. “It’s one thing to meet with a peace-loving world leader like Bashar al-Assad, or President Ahmadinejad,” she said. “It’s another to meet with a theocratic warmonger like George Bush. If we dignify his illegitimate regime with a negotiation, how will we ever build international pressure against him, and end his imperialistic ambitions?”

Upon receiving the rejection of its invitation, the White House expressed its disappointment. “We are saddened by the decision of the Congressional majority to refuse to discuss this important issue,” said the White House Press Secretary. “The troops should be above politics like this.”

The leadership on the Hill was having none of it, however.

“We know from long experience that we can’t trust this lying government,” said Senator Reid. “The next step, if this doesn’t force them to recognize reality, will be economic sanctions. We’ll move to cut off funds to Halliburton, open up the Strategic Petroleum Reserve to plunge oil prices, and cut off mountain bike exports to Crawford, Texas.”