Category Archives: Satire

Humor, Political Commentary, Satire

Time To Give It Up

1 Comment

So sayeth Hillary:

Frankly, there’s just no way around the stark mathematics of the situation: Inconvenience(Me) = 1.0 * Accident(You). It is an inescapable statistical fact, as proven over and over again by my loyal team of Karma accountants — including Sid Blumenthal, Howard Wolfson, and Harold Ickes. Contrary to what some people say, my boys did not learn untraceable poisoning techniques from the Russians. In fact, it was the other way around. And let’s face it: even if Senator Obama receives prompt medical attention for his eventual post-nomination accident, voters in the general election will be repulsed by his grotesque and permanent Dioxin scarring. Once again, Hillary Time.

So today Senator Obama faces a clear choice: (a) stay in the campaign through the convention, wasting millions of dollars on primary advertising and expensive food tasters, or (b) withdraw immediately and graciously transfer his war chest to the only remaining Democratic candidate capable of appealing to hard-working white voters, such as Hillary Rodham Clinton. Same outcome either way, with the possible exception of body count.

I don’t know how Burge finds these scoops.

Satire

Still Singing To The Horse

3 Comments

Hillary is going to stay in all the way to the convention–why should she quit? That horse might still learn to sing, or there could be more bad news for Obama. And here’s one of the more unsavory reasons that she stays in:

“I can’t stand him,” the man said. “He’s a Muslim. He’s not even pro-American as far as I’m concerned.”

Such feelings leave Clinton and the Democratic Party in a tough spot. With the largest number of remaining delegates nowbeing party insiders, they have to decide if Obama can overcome enough of that antipathy – essentially deciding if enough working-class whites will back away from the black candidate, whether because of the false Muslim rumors, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright flap or old-fashioned racism.

I think, though, that this is delusional:

A top Democratic source with insight into Bill’s and Hillary’s states of mind says the Clintons are convinced that a Democratic presidency is all but certain no matter how messy the fight for the nomination.

In that scenario – which the Obama side and some Democratic elders worry is wishful thinking at best, delusional at worst – there’s no downside for Hillary doing whatever it takes for as long as it takes.

How does anyone know what “the Clintons are convinced” of? On what basis? Because they say so? I’d say that if you want to know what the Clintons are really thinking, the least reliable method is to take them at their word. This “top Democratic source” makes the mistake of thinking that the Clintons care about the fate of the Democrat Party, despite their devastation of it in the nineties. He (or she) is the one who is being delusional, but about the Clintons, not the Clintons about the party’s chances in November.

In fact, as I’ve said before, I assume that if she doesn’t get the nomination, she’ll do what she has to in order to ensure Obama’s defeat. She doesn’t want to have to run against a Democrat incumbent in 2012. So they’re right that there’s no down side for her to stay in. They’re just confused about the reason.

Political Commentary, Popular Culture, Satire

Movie Review Time

Over at Lileks’ place:

Their logo looks like a deformed octopus. We get the picture, though. It’s the Klan. This was still a touchy thing in ’36; this must have irritated the people who thought the film ignored all the good things the Klan did, like community outreach and neighborhood suppers and the occasional potluck where a fella could get together with like-minded Americans and talk freely about the Catholics.

Gee, to what or whom could he possibly be referring?

History, Humor, Political Commentary, Satire

State Department Issues New Language Guidelines

2 Comments

December 15th, 1941

WASHINGTON (Routers) In an effort to drive a wedge between moderate Germans and those more extreme, the State Department issued new rules today, stipulating that the word “Nazi” was not to be used by department employees to describe the enemy. Germany recently declared war on our country, as part of its alliance with Imperial Japan, which itself attacked us at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii a little over a week ago, and with which we are now at war.

“Nazism has a great many admirable features,” said a department spokesman at Foggy Bottom, “and we want to make clear that despite the fact that the Nazi Party rules Germany, we have no quarrel with the vast majority of Nazis with peaceful intent.”

She went on to describe the National Socialist universal health care plan, its youth programs that inculcate loyalty to the government, its strict and necessary control over unbridled private industry, its wage and price controls, its strict separation of church and state, its progressive views on food purity and safety, and other beneficial features of the fascist system.

“Many of the Nazi programs have their counterparts here in President Roosevelt’s own New Deal, such as the NRA, the CCC, our price monitoring boards, and so on. In fact, many of the ideas of National Socialism were first developed in our own progressive country, and we in turn might want to consider examining their policies for more ways to improve our own.”

She went on, “…if we call Hitler and his staff, who lack moral legitimacy, ‘Nazis,’ we may unintentionally legitimize their rule, and end up offending many of the peaceful National Socialist Germans with whom we can develop a productive relationship after the defeat of the extremist Hitler regime. We don’t want to tar all Nazis with the racism and war mongering of the more fanatical members of the party.”

“We are concerned that use of the term “Nazi” to refer to the murderous extremists may glamorize their racism, give them undeserved moral authority with the German people, and undermine our ultimate war strategy of winning their hearts and minds. We want them to understand that we recognize Nazism as an ideology of peace, and welfare for the common good and betterment of all Germans. Not to mention their understandable desire for lebensraum.”

When asked what term employees were to use to refer to the enemy, she replied, “We haven’t quite worked that out yet. We’re considering ‘the Hitler gang’ for now.”