Category Archives: Satire

Political Commentary, Satire

Comparing People To Hitler

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It’s just one of those things that white people like to do. This part is a little off, though:

It’s also critical that you avoid the fatal mistake of getting creative and comparing people you don’t like to other evil dictators, such as Joseph Stalin or Fidel Castro. With few exceptions, white people are actually fond of almost any dictator not named Hitler, and your remark that “this is just like something Mao Zedong would do” will be met with blank stares and possible social alienation. This is because, with the exception of Hitler, oppressive dictators share a passion for many of the things white people love- such as universal health care, conspiracy theories, caring about poor people while being filthy rich, and cool hats. Stick to the script and compare things you don’t like to Hitler, and Hitler alone.

While it’s good advice, actually, being the National Socialist Party, the Nazis did in fact have universal health care. Well, for the people they didn’t exterminate, anyway. But that was true for Stalin, Castro and Mao as well. I think that the problem here is that the white people who like to do this don’t really understand how much else Hitler had in common with their other socialist dictator heroes.

Humor, Political Commentary, Satire

The Next Star Chamber Defendant

Iowahawk has dug up an old Canadian radio program that is sure to be banned in the Great White North. Warman, of the Mounted:

From the Maritimes to the Yukon, the Great White North was once a lawless land where cruel and offensive opinions roamed free – until one man stood up and brought them to justice. One mighty masked man, clad in the scarlet breechcoat of the Royal Canadian Mounted Human Rights Police, astride a golden disabled lesbian steed, with his faithful transgender Indian scout at his side. Together they rode from Yellowknife to St. John’s, keeping Canadians safe from the spectre of multicultural insensitivity.

The Canadian Broadcast Corporation invites you to return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear as we tell the tales of that legendary singing Human Rights Mountie. It’s time for excitement – it’s time for lawsuits – It’s time for… Warman of the Mounted!

It’s a particularly exciting episode. I expect we’ll see him in the HRC docket presently.

Humor, Political Commentary, Satire

Time To Give It Up

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So sayeth Hillary:

Frankly, there’s just no way around the stark mathematics of the situation: Inconvenience(Me) = 1.0 * Accident(You). It is an inescapable statistical fact, as proven over and over again by my loyal team of Karma accountants — including Sid Blumenthal, Howard Wolfson, and Harold Ickes. Contrary to what some people say, my boys did not learn untraceable poisoning techniques from the Russians. In fact, it was the other way around. And let’s face it: even if Senator Obama receives prompt medical attention for his eventual post-nomination accident, voters in the general election will be repulsed by his grotesque and permanent Dioxin scarring. Once again, Hillary Time.

So today Senator Obama faces a clear choice: (a) stay in the campaign through the convention, wasting millions of dollars on primary advertising and expensive food tasters, or (b) withdraw immediately and graciously transfer his war chest to the only remaining Democratic candidate capable of appealing to hard-working white voters, such as Hillary Rodham Clinton. Same outcome either way, with the possible exception of body count.

I don’t know how Burge finds these scoops.

Satire

Still Singing To The Horse

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Hillary is going to stay in all the way to the convention–why should she quit? That horse might still learn to sing, or there could be more bad news for Obama. And here’s one of the more unsavory reasons that she stays in:

“I can’t stand him,” the man said. “He’s a Muslim. He’s not even pro-American as far as I’m concerned.”

Such feelings leave Clinton and the Democratic Party in a tough spot. With the largest number of remaining delegates nowbeing party insiders, they have to decide if Obama can overcome enough of that antipathy – essentially deciding if enough working-class whites will back away from the black candidate, whether because of the false Muslim rumors, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright flap or old-fashioned racism.

I think, though, that this is delusional:

A top Democratic source with insight into Bill’s and Hillary’s states of mind says the Clintons are convinced that a Democratic presidency is all but certain no matter how messy the fight for the nomination.

In that scenario – which the Obama side and some Democratic elders worry is wishful thinking at best, delusional at worst – there’s no downside for Hillary doing whatever it takes for as long as it takes.

How does anyone know what “the Clintons are convinced” of? On what basis? Because they say so? I’d say that if you want to know what the Clintons are really thinking, the least reliable method is to take them at their word. This “top Democratic source” makes the mistake of thinking that the Clintons care about the fate of the Democrat Party, despite their devastation of it in the nineties. He (or she) is the one who is being delusional, but about the Clintons, not the Clintons about the party’s chances in November.

In fact, as I’ve said before, I assume that if she doesn’t get the nomination, she’ll do what she has to in order to ensure Obama’s defeat. She doesn’t want to have to run against a Democrat incumbent in 2012. So they’re right that there’s no down side for her to stay in. They’re just confused about the reason.