Category Archives: Satire

The MS In MSNBC

Lileks, on the moral superiority of our media and political “elites.” It’s really hard to use that word for them with a straight face.

Hope the attack was caused by one of the several dozen million militia members — also known as “Midwesterners.” After all, that’s the logical extension of being opposed to anything the government does while in control of the Democratic Party: blowing up that oasis of commerce and gaudy free enterprise, Times Square.

Fingers crossed: Oh, if only the attack was caused by someone protesting Arizona’s immigration policy. Such a thing would be misguided, but there’s a lot of anger out there about a law many say harkens back to Nazi Germany, where they rounded up Jews who had entered the Third Reich illegally, and made them return to Israel.

…CNN chatterboxes later ruminated that the fellow had a hard life in the U.S. — couldn’t get a good job, had his house foreclosed on. Granted. But this has happened to many during the Great Recession, and 99.99999% don’t sit down and conclude: “Well, it’s Pakistan for fertilizer bomb training, then.”

Do these people actually think about the stupid things they say?

I fully expect all those being foreclosed on to be put on a terrorist watch list. But we can’t discriminate against those Jihadis. That would be intolerant.

My Epiphany

All right, many months into his presidency, I have come to realize that I was completely wrong about the president.

He is not an empty suit, as I once claimed. Through his brilliant leadership, and unsurpassed powers of persuasion, he has shepherded legislation through the Congress that will make all of our lives and health better, and for which we will all be grateful as a nation for decades to come.

I was once skeptical, but I was a fool. This legacy, just the first of many — beginning the healing of the planet through long-overdue constraints on carbon emissions; finally allowing the working man to be a union man as God and Jimmy Hoffa intended; creating a lasting peace in the Middle East with a Palestinian state from the river Jordan to the Mediterranean, and a Pax Iraniana under the sober nuclear leadership of the mullahs in Teheran, a stable nuclear stalemate in the Korean peninsula, the returning of Taiwan to its rightful owners in mainland China –will go down in history as only the minor accomplishments of the greatest American president ever.

How foolish was I to think that he would lose the Congress in the coming election, when so many stood bravely by his bold initiatives? What insanity possessed me to imagine that the America people would punish, rather than reward him and his party for their paternal and sacrificial deeds for all of us? How could I have criticized them for only doing what was right, and just, and fair, in the face of such disgusting criticism and hatred from the evil right wingers? How could I have been so wrong? Is there any hope for me?

From this day forward, I pledge my troth to the Democrats, the saviors of our nation, the party of selflessness and compassion. No longer will I selfishly demand that I keep any of the fruit of my own labor, because I now understand that it was never mine, but only that of the people. Henceforth, I will work not for myself, or my family, but only for the greater good.

I can only ask, how did it take so long for me to see the light? What foolish ideology blinded me to righteousness, and my duty to my fellow citizens and humans on the planet? How did I live for so many years without feeling the pain of my obvious disgusting selfishness? How can I ever be forgiven?

Even if I finally, after decades, do the right thing, and pull the Donkey lever this fall, is there any hope for my redemption?

But lest I be viewed as someone completely uncritical of The One, let me provide one bit of criticism.

His space policy is a disaster. We no longer have a goal.

Under the Evil Bush, we had a plan. A plan to send a few astronauts a couple times a year, at a cost of several billion dollars per trip, to the moon. It was a noble plan, an ambitious plan, and one that would have had the nation enthralled to watch, as a few noble ciivil servants cavorted on the lunar surface, displayed on our low-energy-consumption foot-powered televisions.

But with the cancellation of Constellation, the dreams of watching government employees kicking up selenian dust, for tens of millions per kick, have been shattered. The nation will no longer have the opportunity to be inspired. Instead, we will have to content ourselves with hundreds, perhaps thousands of people in low earth orbit, doing what they want to do instead of following NASA’s flight plans. They might even go beyond earth orbit without official permission, upsetting the natural order of the heavens. I am dismayed to the highest degree by such a laissez faire approach to opening up the universe to humanity, and can’t imagine how such a visionary president could allow such a thing.

But I cavil about trivia. Such a minor policy error shouldn’t prevent him from his rightful place. A Nobel Peace Prize in anticipation of his achievements, while well deserved, is an insignificant award. No, he must be honored in a manner more befitting his accomplishments, present and future. He is not worthy of Mount Rushmore, or rather, his reputation would be sullied by an appearance next to such pedestrian predecessors as Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln, though the progressive Teddy Roosevelt might be a fitting accompaniment, even if shadowed by the great Obama. No, we need to add to the mountain, and build a new level for The One, above those previous poseurs. And we should rename the mountain, from Rushmore, to a more appropriate Rushless, to honor him for his vanquishing of that talk-show blowhard, who has so unpatriotically hoped for his failure. For the greatest man in American, no — in world history. we can do no less.

[Thursday morning update]

Sigh…none so blind as those who will not see. Half of the country doesn’t think our national savior should be reelected.

• Obama’s standing on four key personal qualities, including being a strong and decisive leader and understanding the problems Americans face in their lives, has dipped. For the first time since the 2008 campaign, he fails to win a majority of people saying he shares their values and can manage the government effectively.

• Twenty-six percent say he deserves “a great deal” of the blame for the nation’s economic problems, nearly double the number who felt that way last summer. In all, half say he deserves at least a moderate amount of blame.

The blame directed at his predecessor, former president George W. Bush, hasn’t eased, however: 42% now give Bush “a great deal” of blame, basically unchanged from 43% last July.

• By 50%-46%, those surveyed say Obama doesn’t deserve re-election.

Ingrates.

The Green Pharaoh

See, he was just trying to save the Nile delta. I’m even more amused at the leftist outrage in the comments. But then, leftists, and particularly watermelons, don’t have much of a sense of humor.

[Update a couple minutes later]

I love this comment from Bernstein:

Jon Stewart is funny because of the ways he bugs his eyes out, and otherwise makes funny faces. Can’t get that effect on a blog, I’m afraid.

It’s funny ‘cuz it’s true.