Category Archives: Satire

History, Humor, Political Commentary, Satire

Dunkirk Evacuation Delayed For Safety

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June 1, 1940

DOVER (Routers) The evacuation of British and French troops from the besieged French city of Dunkirk was halted today, over concerns that many of the private vessels that had been deployed for the task were unsafe for troop transport.

Government officials ordered all soldiers to hold their places on the harbour waterfront and beaches, and those in the water were told to hold up boarding as well, until the various fishing and pleasure vessels could be inspected by the Home Guard, to ensure that there were sufficient life vests, fire extinguishers and other safety devices on each one. Each boat will also have to be tested for leaks before it will be deemed safe for the passage across the Channel.

“We can’t risk our soldiers’ lives on these cheap boats,” explained one official. “The Germans are firing on our ships, and we’ve already lost six destroyers to submarines and aerial bombardments, three of them just today. If all those non-military boats don’t have the proper safety gear, they won’t stand a chance,” he shouted over the din of incoming mortar fire from German troops only two miles away.

Many of the troops agreed. One of them, standing chest deep in the surf, holding his weapon out of the water, said “The Home Guard always knows best, that’s what I always say.” Ducking down at the sound of a nearby artillery shell hitting the beach, he came back up for air. “We can’t be expected to risk our lives on those floating death traps. The colonel said that some of those fishing boats have exposed hooks on the deck. We could stab ourselves something nasty if they go through our boots. And look at that rickety dinghy there. We’d probably spend half the trip to old Blighty bailing it. And think of the splinter danger.”

In response to concerns that the troops might be in danger if they remained much longer, the notion was pooh poohed. “Jerry knows how dangerous those boats are. That’s probably why they’ve held up on the final assault. It will only be a couple more weeks until we can get a shipment of life preservers and fire extinguishers in from Southampton. Nothing comes before the safety of our troops.”

[Copyright 2010 by Rand Simberg]

Humor, Media Criticism, Political Commentary, Satire

Crudezilla

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King of all spills. And the hero who saves the day:

NARRATOR
This is the teaching laboratory of Baraku Obamasawa, Japan’s greatest living scientist. A world renowned expert with an advanced degree in social engineering from Hokkaido Law School, by the age of 23 he had already written 2 textbooks on the world’s strangest phenomenon — himself. His is a scientist so advanced that he has already earned a Nobel Prize for work he has yet to begin. Today, he is showing students his latest discovery.

OBAMASAWA
… now note as I apply a blowtorch to this pile of 10 million yen, it is converted to ash — thereby creating jobs for these two janitors from the Nippon Custodian Union.

students applaud wildly

STUDENTS
Domo arigato, sensei! We are very honored to be your students. [giggle] You have given us hope and tingles up our kimonos!

Don’t miss a single exciting minute.

[Update a few minutes later]

Warning: the puns are awful.

Political Commentary, Satire, War Commentary

Useful Advice For The Obama Administration

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How to identify “moderate” terrorists.

[Update a few minutes later]

The administration is joining with the “moderates”:

Fresh from announcing his quest for moderate Hezbos, President Obama’s deputy national security adviser for homeland security, John Brennan, has given a speech in which — after the usual pandering to, among other things, Islam’s purported dedication to the “aspiration” that we should all be able to “practice our faith freely” — he referred to his favorite city as “al-Quds, Jerusalem, where three great faiths come together.” Jim Hoft at Gateway Pundit has the clip, here. As explained by the link Hoft provides, “al-Quds Day,” which is now cause for anti-Israeli demonstrations throughout the world, was actually started by Ayatollah Khomeini 27 years ago — as the “Day of the Oppressed.” (The real nasties in Iran’s Revolutionary Guard Corps are called the “al-Quds” forces.)

This administration certainly does go out of its way to give our Israeli allies that warm feeling, doesn’t it.

Indeed. But I think that some of the rubes are starting to catch on.

[Early afternoon update]

Michael Totten explains why the search for “moderate terrorists” is a complete waste of time. Don’t expect tools like Brennan to get it, though.

Humor, Political Commentary, Satire

The New British Coalition

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Now this is what I call compromise:

There were some objections to the deal from the Sheriff’s assistant, Sir Guy of Gisbourne, who was reportedly unhappy with the idea of getting into bed with men in tights. However, he was quickly rebuffed by the Sheriff: ‘We have moved on from our old ‘nasty’ image of yore,’ he said, ‘people need to understand that the Sheriff’s Men are now a modern, progressive movement dedicated to promoting a caring, liberal and inclusive reign of terror.’

Many of Mr Hood’s supporters were hoping for a so-called ‘Rainbow Alliance’ of Friar Tuck, Maid Marian and Little John. However, negotiations quickly fell apart because everyone thought that Little John was a tedious, self-opinionated twat.

Yes. Well, he was.