Category Archives: Satire

Crime Scene Investigation

Tucson:

Cue opening credit sequence

THE WHO
BRAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!

Fast-paced action montage of CSI team shaking test tubes, spellchecking, studying tea bags under microscope, arresting cactus

THE WHO
We won’t get fooled again!

CSI Headquarters. Behind a two-way mirror, Krugman and Matthews watch as the suspect is interrogated by detectives Olbermann and Maddow.

OLBERMANN
Out with it, scumbag! Who are you working with? We know you’re hiding something – or somebody! At long last, have you no shame, sir?! Have you no decency?

DREAMBRAIN
Riddle me this, Batman. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? That’s for me to know, but what am I? Ha hah! Heee! Ho hee! Pbblltth!

Olbermann jumps up angrily from chair, Maddow restrains him.

MADDOW
Look, pal. Olbermann here, he goes just a little crazy kookoo sometimes. You should see him when he goes full Special Commentary. But you can trust me. I’m your friend. I’ll take care of you, see? Here, have a nice hot cup of tea…

Dreambrain knocks the tea from the table

DREAMBRAIN
You’re trying to control my grammar! I have a constitutional right to saxophones!

MATTHEWS (on intercom)
Take five, detectives. His rightwing gibberish isn’t getting us anywhere.

KRUGMAN
Have the results gotten back from the toxicology lab yet?

MATTHEWS
Got ’em right here. Weed… acid… psilocybin… salvia… Red Bull… but so far a negative on tea. And transfats.

I don’t think it has as much potential as the other franchises.

The Real Cause Of Incivility

I think that Tony Blankley has it right:

Now is the time for us all to pause, and consider how the working members of the media can live with their biased liberalism — yet not allow it to permeate their work and undercut the political dialogue and political process that is the foundation of our democracy.

Indeed, it may well be the case that the now institutional failure of the mainstream media to do its job with reasonable objectivity may itself be the cause of the incivility in political dialogue. Without an objective umpire in the political debate, the players are forced to shout louder and louder so that their interpretation of the state of play on the field can be heard by the fans.

Yes, while the notion of an “objective” press was always a myth, most of them don’t even try any more.

[Update a while later]

Once more into the breach of civility:

Like many of us stalwart men of the Progressive-Media-Entertainment Complex, I have never been so beamish. As the president explained so eloquently Wednesday night, what happened in Tucson was a tragedy and all, but watching the wild-eyed Nobel laureate, Paul Krugman, pin the Glock on the elephant in the pages of the New York Times was simply wonderful. Based on nothing more than the loud voices coming through the fillings in his teeth, our bearded, pot-bellied superhero leapt into action the day after the Tucson shootings and started pointing the finger of blame where it always belongs: at Sarah Palin and the “climate of hate” she has brought down from Mystery, Alaska, to torment us here in the Lower 48. Naturally, a few of you protested that there was no actual evidence that the hated succubus who haunts our fever dreams and saps our purity of essence had anything to do with the gunman. Nor did any of the other right-wing crazies on our (symbolic!) hit lists — and you Limbaugh-loving teabaggers know who you are.

It’s true that Obama said: “But what we can’t do is use this tragedy as one more occasion to turn on one another. As we discuss these issues, let each of us do so with a good dose of humility. Rather than pointing fingers or assigning blame, let us use this occasion to expand our moral imaginations, to listen to each other more carefully, to sharpen our instincts for empathy, and remind ourselves of all the ways our hopes and dreams are bound together.”

But so what if he did? In the fantasy world in which we dwell, the only thing that counts is what’s inside our heads, and in our heads is where Sarah Palin lives and where she willfully continues to insert herself into the national conversation. Raised on relativism, psychiatry, and sociology; on values instead of morals; on transactional relationships instead of “absolute truths”; on heavy-metal music, atheism, and abortion on demand — we long ago slipped the moorings of empiricism and have ascended to the rarefied heights of Cockaigne and Cloud Cuckoo Land. Black is white, up is down, in is out — this is our world and you’re not welcome to it. Because it’s not for you to say what you do and do not stand for — we’ll be the judge of that. And here’s what we know about you:

You’re racists. You’re anti-Semites. You’re homophobes. You hate progress. You hate when people (i.e., us) have fun doing things you don’t like or, worse, doing things that deep down inside you really do like but don’t have the guts to actually do. You hate Metallica, Miles Davis, Mozart, and Marx. You think we’re something out of Petronius, licentious Roman poetasters, juvenile-delinquent voluptuaries peeling grapes while Alaric and Odovacar wait outside the gates. Meanwhile, you play the role of a disapproving, mocking Juvenal, satirizing our pagan ways.

Read the whole thing.

So You Lost Your Election

Heartfelt life-transition advice for former Washington bigwigs:

At Iowahawk Congressional Outplacement Services our primary goal is to orient, retrain, and mainstream former employees of Capitol Hill for productive careers outside Washington. While we can’t get you back your seniority, your perks, or your mahogany-paneled office in the Dirksen Building, we can give you the tools you’ll need after your ignominious rejection by those bastard ingrates you’ll soon be living among. Follow this step-by-step guide and you’ll be back on your feet in no time! Probably.

Step 1: Assess Your Skills and Competencies

The road to your new non-Washington career begins with an inventory of your personal strengths and competencies. Read the critical skill list below, and circle the ones that you possess.

* Telling other people what to do
* Demanding money
* Peddling influence
* Talking loudly over others
* Condescension / arrogance
* Threatening, browbeating, arguing
* Narcissism
* Evading responsibility
* Spin control

As a former Washington professional, you probably circled four or more of the above. Yes, there are some private sector industries where these skills are valued – such as journalism, bill collection, professional wrestling, higher education, and carnival barking. Unfortunately, these are all declining industries with low wages and/or fierce job competition. In order to maintain your standard of living, you will probably have to seek employment in other industries where you will find surprisingly little demand for your skills.

I think he’s overoptimistic on how fast they’ll be back on their feet. But at least they’ll be off our backs.

Comply With Me

…Before you fly away.

[Update a while later]

Following the lead of CAIR, as head of the Council of American-Simbergic Relations (CASR), I have just issued myself the following memo:

Special recommendations for Simbergic men who, as part of their quaint and colorful cultural tradition, are required to wear pants in public:

* If you are selected for secondary screening after you go through the metal detector and it does not go off, and “sss” is not written on your boarding pass, ask the TSA officer if the reason you are being selected is because of your trousers, and specifically your skivvies.
* In this situation, you may be asked to submit to a pat-down or to go through a full body scanner. If you are selected for the scanner, you may ask to go through a pat-down instead.
* Before you are patted down, you should remind the TSA officer that they are only supposed to pat down the area in question, in this scenario, the groinal region. They SHOULD NOT subject you to a full-body or partial-body pat-down.
* You may ask to be taken to a private room for the pat-down procedure of said trouser snake, and have it performed by a smokin’ hot woman. You may also ask for extra time, and cigarettes afterwards, if you smoke.
* If there is no woman available, or if she is insufficiently pulchritudinous and compliant with your special pat-down needs, instead of the pat-down, you can always request to pat down yourself, particularly the pelvic area, and have the officers perform a chemical swipe of your hands.

The latter won’t be a major imposition on me, because I already pat down my junkawesome and monstrous instrument of female pleasurin’ several times a day (only in the interests of security, of course), though I usually don’t have anyone to perform the requisite chemical swipe afterwards, so that will be a government-subsidized bonus for me. I am a vaguely semitic appearing person, and I am always very suspicious of me, as are most people who meet me, with good reason. I never know what I may have in my pants.

[Update mid afternoon]