Or more precisely, why does the president hate us, and what can we do to placate Him?
Category Archives: Satire
A Rogue Trader
…in a massive “green jobs” fraud:
The fraud – conservatively estimated at $38.6 billion, though others believe it could be at least 20 times bigger once his secret trading accounts in a file mysteriously marked “Stimulus Package” are fully investigated – comfortably exceeds the paltry $2.3 billion losses run up by UBS trader Kweku Adoboli.
Though full details of the Uber Rogue Trader – known only by his initials B.O. – have yet to be released, he is believed to be either of Hawaiian or Kenyan birth, with a plausible speaking manner and a deceptive aura of competence and gravitas. He is said to be “coolly unrepentant” about his crime, which, he claims, he was only doing to provide “hope and change” to his 200 million victims.
The fraud appears to have centred around an arcane taxpayer-swindling system first devised by Kenneth Lay of Enron known as “Clean tech” or “green jobs.” B.O. – who joined the bank in January 2009 – is believed to have persuaded colleagues and shareholders that he could boost the institution’s flagging profits by spending $38.6 billion on a “loan guarantee program” for clean tech start up companies. He also claimed that in the process he would create “65,000 jobs”.
This really is criminal fraud. But I won’t hold my breath waiting for the Justice Department to do anything about it.
An All-Purpose Editorial
Frank J. has already written the New York Times campaign editorial for them:
And then there’s [Republican nominee]‘s opinion [Republican nominee view 2]. It’s almost hard to believe. He/she is basically proposing to set the rights of [protected group] back one hundred years. How can someone in this day and age actually argue [Republican nominee view 2]? This is once again thinking that is stuck in the past and won’t continue to move the country forward like President Obama has done. Plus it’s well known that [talking point on Republican nominee view 2].
As for the economy, what has [Republican nominee] proposed? [Republican nominee proposal for the economy]. You have to be kidding me. It’s a lopsided tax cut for the rich at the expense of the poor and the elderly. Obviously, [Republican nominee] is beholden to the unreasonable, extreme views of the Tea Party. His/her ideas are nothing like the balanced approach Obama has proposed with [Obama economic proposal, if available]. Only that approach will continue the progress Obama has already made.
One has to wonder about the intelligence of someone who would believe such radical views as [Republican nominee view 1] and [Republican nominee view 2] and has an economic plan of [Republican nominee proposal for the economy]. People used to question Bush’s intelligence in jest, but at least he was educated at Yale and Harvard and thus had some wisdom about the world. [Republican nominee], on the other hand, is truly a dunce, as we’ve seen with such statements as [gaffe 1] and [gaffe 2]. Does anyone really think [demeaning nickname for Republican nominee] stacks up against the intelligence and poise of President Obama?
And some of the things [Republican nominee] has said that aren’t outright stupid are quite scary. Like when he/she said [Republican nominee statement using the words “black” or “dark” — just something that could be argued to be racist; be creative]. This is obviously a dog whistle to rally people who have a problem with the American president being black. And then he/she said [Republican nominee statement about religion, such as praying to God for guidance]; [Republican nominee] obviously doesn’t believe in the separation of church and state and wants to make this country a theocracy. America doesn’t need its own Taliban.
I’m sure they’ll appreciate it — it will save them a lot of work. You’d think they might be a little concerned about how predictable they are, though.
Attention, Citizens
For the Fatherland, it is time to report the enemies of the state.
Well, This Was Inevitable
New scandal at D of J, as illegal guitars find their way into the hands of Mexican druglords:
The secret program came to light early this morning in the border town of Nogales, Arizona, after what was described as a wild battle of the bands between members of the Sinaloa cartel and Los Zetas, two of Mexico’s most notorious violent drug gangs.
“Usually these guys are armed with Mexican Strats and Squires, Epiphones, small caliber stuff like that,” said Pedro Ochoa, 36, an eye witness to the sonic melee. “This time they were packing the heavy firepower.”
The steady barrage of power chords and piercing solo attacks attracted the attention of nearby U.S. Border Patrol agents, who arrived at the scene just as Los Zetas broke into Led Zeppelin’s ‘Immigrant Song.’ By the time the dust had cleared, U.S. Border Patrol Agent Oscar Jimenez was found in a catatonic state of headbanging. He was later flown to University of Arizona Hospitals, where his condition is listed as seriously rawked.
And the cover up will continue.
[Update a couple minutes later]
What’s the difference between Martin and Gibson? Nope, not the “illegal” wood. One donates to Dems and the other to Republicans. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.
The Empire Strikes Back
The teddy bears, or dogs, or whatever they are, discuss Kay Bailey Hutchison’s latest antics.
He’s A Cruel Man, But Fair
Jon Goff tweets: “Hubble scientists think they’ve discovered a fact sufficiently distant that KBH won’t use it as a justification for starting SLS *right now*.”
Earlier ones: “Seen on spacepolitics.com: KBH says that USGS data about the east-coast earthquake proves that we need to build SLS right now,” and “In related news, KBH says that events unfolding in Tripoli prove that NASA needs to get going on SLS right now…”
[Update a few minutes later]
For a little background, read this post at Space Politics.
Oscar Wilde, Call Your Office
“Somewhere in the White House attic is a picture of Barack Obama getting smarter.”
Sometimes It’s Just Too Simple
Scientists discover possible cause of the current heat wave:
“Our measurements indicate the massive amount of energy this thing gives off is able to travel 93 million miles and reach our planet is as little as eight and a half minutes,” said Professor Mitch Kivens, an astronomer at the California Institute of Technology. “While we can’t see them, we’re fairly certain these infrared rays strike Earth’s surface, become trapped by the atmosphere, and just heat everything up like a great big oven.”
“We originally thought that if this star was producing temperatures of 100-plus in the South and Midwest, it must be at least 100 degrees itself,” Kivens added. “But it turns out it’s far, far hotter than that, with a surface temperature of nearly 10,900 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Kivens and his CalTech colleagues said this intense radiation, which results from constant nuclear reactions converting hydrogen to helium in the star’s core, could also account for why the orb in the sky is extremely bright and difficult to stare at directly.
Remember, correlation is not causation.
Our Space Journalism Award
As some of you may have heard, I was presented with an award for New Space Journalism on Saturday night. As I said when I accepted it, I thought that it was a grave injustice, so I let the teddy bears, or dogs, or whatever they are accept it instead. The thing that I like about these guys is that they are brutally honest, whether when discussing venal politicians in space districts or space-journalism poseurs. It can sometimes be a problem, though, as you’ll see.
I have to admit, it was a little embarrassing. Don’t kids just say the darndest things?
I’m still looking for all the women I supposedly get. And if any rocket scientists out there can recommend a materials-compatible lubricant for the suggested procedure, I’d appreciate it.
[Update a few minutes later]
For those people worried that she really won’t do any more videos, don’t sweat it. Sometimes the talent can be temperamental, but I’ll calm her down. I’m thinking I’ll buy her a cute little poodle skirt and a pair of pom poms, so she can cheer for SLS. She’ll love it.
Rah.