Category Archives: Satire

Business, Economics, Humor, Political Commentary, Satire

Those Lazy Job Creators

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Frank J. gives them what for:

…that’s the tough line the government needs to take with job creators: You will spit out those jobs we demand — and good ones with health-care benefits! — or we will destroy you and your businesses.

Raising their taxes by repealing the Bush tax cuts is just the start. We need even more taxes and punishing regulations. We need to treat these people like the scum they are, and if they don’t want to watch their companies burn, they’ll yield and finally expand their businesses and create more jobs — and not make any more profit or get richer when they do that, because we find that highly annoying.

We’ve had enough of your sickening greed, business owners, so give us everything we want, and give it to us now.

Right on.

Business, Economics, Media Criticism, Political Commentary, Satire

Employee Code: USAPOTUS0044

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A performance review:

Deliverable 2: Public Safety. Under your management, violent crime is up 18 percent — the first such increase in 20 years. Your “Fast and Furious” project has caused serious damage to the balance sheet: one dead federal officer, more than a hundred dead civilians, a seriously cheesed-off next-door business partner, and zero cartel convictions — the lattermost being, if I understand your business strategy, the whole point of this mess. Your performance reports here have been remarkably obstructive, which is why you should have on our advice terminated Eric Holder.

Deliverable 3: Energy. When interviewing for this position, you said, and I quote, “We could have headed off $4-a-gallon gas.” We’ve seen gas prices above or near $4 for most of your term, and above $5 in some parts of the country under the management of your associates. Energy production on the firm’s lands is down substantially year-over-year.

Deliverable 4: Balance Sheet. During your interview, you proposed cutting the firm’s current operating deficit in half. In fact, the firm has acquired trillions of dollars of new debt under your management, along with new unfunded liabilities that our accountants are still trying to work out. When you were presented recommendations from a committee named by you and your management team, you refused even to consider implementing them. You are on track to add another $1 trillion in debt this year.

…On a personal note, I’d like to say that the first time I ever had to fire anybody, I felt really bad about it. She was a nice young woman in her first real job, courteous, well-liked, always on time, and eager to do a good job. She had, unfortunately, been hired for a position that required more than her talents and experience enabled her to deliver. This is also true of you, with the exception of being courteous, likable, and punctual. If I could, I would fire you twice.

Well, it was a foolish hire.

[Update a while later]

UNINSTALLING OBAMA…..……………. █████████████▒▒▒ 90% complete.

Humor, Media Criticism, Political Commentary, Satire

A Deadly Outbreak Of Scrutiny

And the president’s team can’t contain it:

While Smith and others work around the clock to quarantine the virus, Axlerod and his team remain deep beneath the White House in a specially constructed containment laboratory, racing to find a cure before it has a chance to wipe out Washington as we know it. Although all their experiments have thus far proven unsuccessful, Axlerod refuses to concede.

“If I’ve learned anything in this job, it’s that hope is a strategy,” he said, wiping flopsweat from his combover.

“For instance, maybe Joe Biden will find a cure Wednesday night,” he added.

Hope springs eternal.

Humor, Media Criticism, Political Commentary, Satire

Campaigns Continue to Downplay Expectations Ahead Of Debate

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Both the Obama and Romney campaigns are trying to tamp down any thought that their candidate will prevail in tonight’s first debate. There was a discussion this morning on MSCNN.

“It’s been months since Romney debated in the primaries,” said a Romney adviser. “He’s gotten pretty rusty. I wouldn’t expect him to do very well the first time out.”

An Obama staffer scoffed. “Months?! It’s been four years since the last time the president debated. You can’t just jump right back in to it and expect to do well against someone who so thoroughly thrashed his opponents just a few months ago.”

“But it’s not just about how recent the experience is,” the Romney staffer protested. “Obama’s just a much better, more engaging speaker, period. Mitt will come off as wooden and robotic, like he always does.”

“Are you kidding me? Obama’s not going to have a teleprompter! Don’t you realize what a potential disaster that could be? When he’s off teleprompter, he can be almost Bidenesque in his potential for election-losing gaffes. I mean, ‘57 states‘? One of which is apparently Eau Claire? And he thinks that Europe is a country? Or that there’s an Austrian language? And how about the bomb that fell on Pearl Harbor? Or how he expects to be president for eight to ten years? Then there was the time his uncle, who was apparently in the Soviet Army, liberated Auschwitz.”

“Gaffes? You think your guy does gaffes?! My guy says he can’t get the vote of veterans and people on social security. He doesn’t like trees that are too high or too short. Or can’t figure out why it might be a bad idea to have windows that open in an airliner? Or calls himself unemployed? Or who thinks that middle income is ‘two hundred to two hundred fifty thousand or less’? Or makes ten-thousand dollar bets? And he ‘wears as little as possible’ to bed? Or who wishes he was a Latino? Don’t talk to me about gaffes. When it comes to gaffes, Mitt is gaffetastic, he’s the champ. Well, all right, as long as Joe Biden’s not in the room. I mean, I have to follow him around with my hand poised over his mouth, just in case.”

“Well, OK, your guy may make gaffe or two, but mine can barely speak English. With all that time he spent in Hawaii, and Indonesia, and Chicago, and being born in Kenya, it’s like it’s a second language to him. Or maybe a third. I mean, “Navy Corpse men“? It’s like he sees dead people. And how about Pockeykeestahn versus Afghanistan? Or his problems with Albany or Rensselaer?

“You think that Obama has problems with English? Between his Mexican grandparents, and the time he spent missionarying in France, Mitt can barely string two comprehensible English sentences together. His French is better than his English, and the French watch video of him trying to speak French for weekend entertainment. They think he’s funnier than Jerry Lewis, even if he’s not trying to be. Half the debate audience isn’t even going to be able to figure out what the hell he’s talking about.”

“English, shmenglish. My candidate has a frickin’ speech impediment. If there’s a drinking game for his stammering, and ‘ummmm’s and ‘aaaaahhhh’s, the television audience will be dead from alcohol poisoning before the debate’s half over.”

“You think that’s bad? My candidate has a temper. You never know when he could just lose it on the stage, and cut loose with a ‘Gosh darn it.’ It would totally cost him the hipster vote.”

“Your candidate has a temper? Your candidate has thin skin?! Didn’t you see that contemptuous look on his face when Ryan was schooling him during the health-care debate? If looks could kill, Ryan would have been a pile of smoldering ashes. If Mitt really gets to him, he might just pull out a gun and shoot him right on the stage. Sure, it would probably get him more votes, but it would be just one more blatant homicide, however justified, for the media to have to help us cover up.”

The Romney guy sighed. “Look, say what you want, but I’ll just be happy if Mitt can do better than stand there drooling for an hour and a half. That will be a good night for us.”