Hey, what did I say about thermonuclear-level mockery? Iowahawk has already stepped up to the job.
Category Archives: Humor
The Media Gloves Are Off Obama
Well, at least at The Onion. You may have to watch it two or three times to get all the jokes in the crawl.
A Dilemma
We bought a bunch of wine at Bevmo the other week, because they were having a sale. Buy one bottle, and get another of the same thing for a nickel. Great, right?
Well, two of the bottles we bought on that basis were a nice Italian red. We drank one a couple weeks go with a home-made spaghetti sauce. Tonight, I’m making a frozen pizza. I’m tarting it up with mushrooms and red peppers, and leftover chicken, but it’s basically a thin-crust Albertson’s margherita with the extras that I’m adding.
Here’s the problem. We usually like Chianti, but we don’t have any, and all we have is this other Italian bottle. But I don’t know which bottle it is. Is it the one we paid full price for, or the one that only cost five cents? There’s no way to know, because I didn’t mark them when we bought them. If it’s the full-price one, I’m not sure I want to waste it on a frozen pizza, whereas if it’s only a nickel, it’s a bargain. So should I go with it, or the Trader Joe’s Coastal Cab?
There’s Got To Be A Story
…behind every one of these dumb warning labels. One that no doubt goes down in the annals of stupidity.
[Via Geek Press]
I Never Believed The Letters In Penthouse
…until it happened to me. An amusing publishing tale by Claire Berlinsky. I loved this:
I wrote the article, along with a sidebar about Sifu Emin’s top ten tips for defending yourself in hand-to-hand combat. It was a great assignment. I got to call people like Bob Wall and Chuck Norris to ask them who, in their view, was the most lethal man in the world.
Actually, to be honest, I couldn’t get through to Chuck Norris. I tried, but his secretary got frosty on me when I said I was writing for Penthouse. “Chuck,” she said sniffily, “is a conservative.”
Now, when I heard this, I was a bit surprised. I’m not really used to the insinuation that there might be a problem with my commitment to conservatism. “Ma’am,” I said finally, “I’m a conservative, too. In fact, I think my conservative credentials will impress him. Please let him know that I’m Margaret Thatcher’s biographer, okay? Really, I’m on his side.”
“You’re what?”
“I’m the author of ‘Why Margaret Thatcher Matters.’ In fact, I’m more conservative than Chuck.”
“Well” (doubtful). “I’ll give him the message.”
“I have a subscription to National Review, for God’s sake.”
“I’ll let him know.”
“Seriously, Ma’am, I make Chuck look pink.”
I think my tone probably put her off, though; she refused to put me through. Probably for the best. I mean, who wants to deal with Chuck Norris’s socialist nonsense?
Read all.
A Tribute
…to human ingenuity. A web site devoted to kludges.
[Afternoon update]
Heh. From comments: “Submit Ares I.”
Our Ursine Allies
But the president is spurning them, natch:
Barack Obama has announced that he is withdrawing from all existing treaties and security arrangements with the ursine community. Explaining his sharp break with the Bush administration’s policy of supporting overseas bear operations, president Obama said “bears are still our valued allies, but we can no longer pursue the arrogant policy of unilaterally supporting one member of the animal kingdom over another.”
He added, “Of course I believe in bear-exceptionalism, just as I believe in badger exceptionalism and tree sloth exceptionalism. But the days of a pecking order in the animal kingdom, with top of the food-chain predators and disrespected bottom-of-the-food-chain prey, are over.”
Some animals are more equal than others.
New Terminator Movie Concepts
The frightening thing is, there are probably some suits in Hollywood who would actually greenlight some of these.
The Saga Continues
Lileks finishes out Frankenstein movie review week in grand style:
This one has Boris Karloff, but he doesn’t play the Monster; he’s a Mad Scientist who’s escaped from jail with his assistant, who naturally has a hunchback. It was the law in those days. (If you weren’t Mad, but merely Peeved or perhaps an Irritable Scientist, you could get someone who stood erect but tended to slouch.)
Enjoy.
Some Advice For Obama
…from the previous most powerful writer in history:
No doubt the brother would rather lay down the slapahoe against his domestic haters, but even then he’s just a punkass Roman wannabe. Take this Fox News / radio orators thing. Plebeian bitches serve him some straightup insolent haterade, and what does Obamacus do? Sends out his Praetorian guards to whine like pu**ies and rattle their fasces. Yo Obamacus, Rome up your s**t! If you knew the first thing about handlin’ your s**t SPQR-style, you’d be turning Capitol Hill into Crucifixion Hill. Glennus Beckus? Boom! Up on the cross, bitch. Rushus Limbavus? Boom! You been served. Shit, send the survivors a bill for the nails. Believe the Juice, if you want to consolidate power and keep it real with your base, start lining that Washington Mall with Fox talking heads. Up on pikes.
Same thing with these tea party douchebags. Back in the BC, a mack dictator like the Juice didn’t put up with that open rebellion s**t. Come on player, get your game on! Confiscate that damn football stadium you got sitting over across the Potomac, and get yourself a couple bargeloads of pit lions from the Ethiopians. Let’s see how those teabaggers enjoy being the halftime entertainment at the Redskins-Giants game. LMAO bitches, thumbs down. And believe me, nothing boosts an imperator’s public approval rating like turning the opposition into lion snausages. Your loyal plebes will love it, and after the games you can hand out free bread. And healthcare.
They just don’t make dictators like they used to.