Category Archives: Humor

Humor, Media Criticism, Political Commentary

I Never Believed The Letters In Penthouse

8 Comments

…until it happened to me. An amusing publishing tale by Claire Berlinsky. I loved this:

I wrote the article, along with a sidebar about Sifu Emin’s top ten tips for defending yourself in hand-to-hand combat. It was a great assignment. I got to call people like Bob Wall and Chuck Norris to ask them who, in their view, was the most lethal man in the world.

Actually, to be honest, I couldn’t get through to Chuck Norris. I tried, but his secretary got frosty on me when I said I was writing for Penthouse. “Chuck,” she said sniffily, “is a conservative.”

Now, when I heard this, I was a bit surprised. I’m not really used to the insinuation that there might be a problem with my commitment to conservatism. “Ma’am,” I said finally, “I’m a conservative, too. In fact, I think my conservative credentials will impress him. Please let him know that I’m Margaret Thatcher’s biographer, okay? Really, I’m on his side.”

“You’re what?”

“I’m the author of ‘Why Margaret Thatcher Matters.’ In fact, I’m more conservative than Chuck.”

“Well” (doubtful). “I’ll give him the message.”

“I have a subscription to National Review, for God’s sake.”

“I’ll let him know.”

“Seriously, Ma’am, I make Chuck look pink.”

I think my tone probably put her off, though; she refused to put me through. Probably for the best. I mean, who wants to deal with Chuck Norris’s socialist nonsense?

Read all.

Humor, Political Commentary, Satire, War Commentary, Weird

Our Ursine Allies

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But the president is spurning them, natch:

Barack Obama has announced that he is withdrawing from all existing treaties and security arrangements with the ursine community. Explaining his sharp break with the Bush administration’s policy of supporting overseas bear operations, president Obama said “bears are still our valued allies, but we can no longer pursue the arrogant policy of unilaterally supporting one member of the animal kingdom over another.”

He added, “Of course I believe in bear-exceptionalism, just as I believe in badger exceptionalism and tree sloth exceptionalism. But the days of a pecking order in the animal kingdom, with top of the food-chain predators and disrespected bottom-of-the-food-chain prey, are over.”

Some animals are more equal than others.

Humor, Popular Culture

The Saga Continues

1 Comment

Lileks finishes out Frankenstein movie review week in grand style:

This one has Boris Karloff, but he doesn’t play the Monster; he’s a Mad Scientist who’s escaped from jail with his assistant, who naturally has a hunchback. It was the law in those days. (If you weren’t Mad, but merely Peeved or perhaps an Irritable Scientist, you could get someone who stood erect but tended to slouch.)

Enjoy.

Humor, Political Commentary, Satire

Some Advice For Obama

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…from the previous most powerful writer in history:

No doubt the brother would rather lay down the slapahoe against his domestic haters, but even then he’s just a punkass Roman wannabe. Take this Fox News / radio orators thing. Plebeian bitches serve him some straightup insolent haterade, and what does Obamacus do? Sends out his Praetorian guards to whine like pu**ies and rattle their fasces. Yo Obamacus, Rome up your s**t! If you knew the first thing about handlin’ your s**t SPQR-style, you’d be turning Capitol Hill into Crucifixion Hill. Glennus Beckus? Boom! Up on the cross, bitch. Rushus Limbavus? Boom! You been served. Shit, send the survivors a bill for the nails. Believe the Juice, if you want to consolidate power and keep it real with your base, start lining that Washington Mall with Fox talking heads. Up on pikes.

Same thing with these tea party douchebags. Back in the BC, a mack dictator like the Juice didn’t put up with that open rebellion s**t. Come on player, get your game on! Confiscate that damn football stadium you got sitting over across the Potomac, and get yourself a couple bargeloads of pit lions from the Ethiopians. Let’s see how those teabaggers enjoy being the halftime entertainment at the Redskins-Giants game. LMAO bitches, thumbs down. And believe me, nothing boosts an imperator’s public approval rating like turning the opposition into lion snausages. Your loyal plebes will love it, and after the games you can hand out free bread. And healthcare.

They just don’t make dictators like they used to.

Humor, Popular Culture, Social Commentary, Weird

Equal Rights For Illegal Aliens

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What we have here is an interplanetary travesty of justice:

…if the plaintiff is not a person in that he is neither a human being nor a corporation, he cannot be a plaintiff as contemplated by the Rules of Civil Procedure. The entire basis of Mr. Joly’s actions is that he is a martian, not a human being. There is certainly no suggestion that he is a corporation. I conclude therefore, that Mr. Joly, on his pleading as drafted, has no status before the Court.

Careful, you’re going to make him very very angry indeed.

Humor, Political Commentary

What He’s Really Hiding

12 Comments

Frank J. says that the birth certificate issue has nothing to do with Kenya:

…while Obama’s original birth certificate has never been made public, Hawaii has issued a certificate of live birth that declares Barack Obama to be a forty-eight-year-old man. Usually I’d consider something like that official enough, but evidence has mounted that’s made me doubt it. First it was his weakness on foreign policy. Then there were his complaints about Republican opposition. Next was just how easy he is to push around. Finally, there is his whimpering about Fox News. Now, I think we owe it to the Constitution and the Founding Fathers to analyze Obama and ask ourselves: Are these the actions of an adult male or a whiny, sissy little girl?

This is an important question, and we should treat it seriously. Now I know partisan hacks are going to scream, “He’s not a little girl! Shut up shut up shut up!” But the evidence is devastating. Just look at Obama’s foreign policy since taking office. As enemies like Iran oppress their people and move towards obtaining nuclear weapons, does he strike back against them forcefully like any real man would? No, that’s too scary for him. Tough talk like that would make him hug his dolly. He just wants to talk and be nice so no one yells at him.

He even tried inviting Iran to a barbecue. That sounds a lot like a sissy little girl too afraid to stand up to people. Any day now, he might invite Ahmadinejad over to play house with him. Obama even took missile defense out of Eastern Europe because he didn’t want people getting all angry — just the sort of thing a little girl would worry about. For wimpy actions like this, Norway awarded him the Nobel Peace Prize, which is basically a prize awarded to people in recognition of them being dainty little girls.

Tut, tut, tut. Such disrespect of the Commandress-in-Chief.

I have to agree with many of the commenters, though. This is insulting to little girls everywhere.

Humor, Philosophy, Political Commentary, Popular Culture, Weird

Focusing On The Important Issues

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Thoughts on the utility of international cooperation and law in the event of a transnational zombie uprising. This will be important once they start crossing borders.

[Update a few minutes later]

I’m compelled to believe that the first thing that this president would do is ask, “Why do they want to eat our brains?” and apologize to all of zombiedom for our previous imperialistic aggression against the undead.