…has a new site. Blame Tucker Carlson.
Category Archives: Humor
Some New Year’s Resolutions
…from Frank J.:
While continuing to trust science, let’s make sure the scientists we’re getting it from aren’t douche nozzles.
I like science — we all like science — but if we’re going to throw a huge wrench into our economy, let’s make sure it’s not on the advice of scientists who treat data like a used-car salesman treats an old Chevy.
Next time we pick a leader, let’s make sure he has more qualifications than a bunch of empty slogans of the sort you’d use to sell carbonated beverages.
Yeah, we won’t get a chance in the next year, but let’s try and do that at least once this next decade. It’s hard, but we can do it. Yes we can.
If we have another economic crisis, let’s not hand a blank checkbook to a bunch of Democrats.
Politicians love spending money — Democrats especially. If we had a problem of having way too much money and needed to get rid of it quickly, you’d be a fool to elect anyone other than Democrats. But if the problem is that we’re running out of money, it may be a bad idea to put Democrats in charge, because their solution to having too little money will inevitably be to spend more money.
He has more.
New Year’s Predictions
From Alan K. Henderson (I’ve always wondered what the “K” is for…):
A band of Somali pirates will relocate from the Indian Ocean to the Caribbean, in a plot to hijack the cruise ship Oasis of the Seas. In a case of bad timing, Chuck Norris and Steven Segal will be among the passengers when the strike occurs. Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Nordegren will also be on board; she will incapacitate one of the pirates with a sand wedge.
During the Daytona 500 trials, Michaele and Tareq Salahi will mysteriously emerge from Mark Martin’s car.
Dan Brown of will release yet another Da Vinci Code sequel, in which symbologist Robert Langdon discovers clues in the CRU climate data that ultimately lead to the Bavarian Illuminati.
There are more.
Man, I Hate Holiday Travel
Iowahawk has an exclusive: a guest editorial by the skivvie bomber:
…the whole in-flight terror experience has gone completely downhill since the jet set golden years of the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s. What happened to all those pretty stewardesses and polite, well dressed infidels, screaming as the plane plummeted to the ground? Time was, a suicide mission to explode an international jumbo jet was an event full of glamor and excitement; but now it seems to be a endless series of delays, hassles, pushy jerks and third-degree testicular chemical burns. And don’t even get me started on the crappy airline food.
…So I’m like, “honey, do I look like I’m a US military veteran?”
“No.”
“Do I look like I’m some sort of right wing anti-tax teabagger?”
“No.”
“Do I look like anybody else on the DHS terrorism danger list?”
“No, but…”
“Then I suggest that unless you want a nasty anti-discrimination lawsuit on your hands, you’d best give me an aisle seat. With extended legroom.”
I don’t know how he gets these things….
Laugh
…so you don’t cry. Dave Barry reviews the year:
It was a year of Hope — at first in the sense of “I feel hopeful!” and later in the sense of “I hope this year ends soon!”
It was also a year of Change, especially in Washington, where the tired old hacks of yesteryear finally yielded the reins of power to a group of fresh, young, idealistic, new-idea outsiders such as Nancy Pelosi. As a result Washington, rejecting “business as usual,” finally stopped trying to solve every problem by throwing billions of taxpayer dollars at it and instead started trying to solve every problem by throwing trillions of taxpayer dollars at it.
He goes through it month by month.
“It’s A Wonderful Bill”
As an early Christmas gift to his readers, Iowahawk revives a holiday classic. Here’s the trailer:
GEORGE BAILEY
Well, now now now, Clem, sure a few kids drowned. But look at all the jobs it created down at the Potter Retractable Basketball Floor factory. And that’s my point. Now, see, down in Washington there’s a whole Senate full of regular guys like you and you, and me, and we represent thousands of places just like Bedford Falls. And all of those places want their own jobs and healthcare and retractable basketball courts. And it turns out all of this costs money, so we have to get, well, revenues…WOMAN #3
You mean taxes?GEORGE BAILEY
Well, yeah, Helen, if that’s how you want to put it. See, we put all those revenues in a, a, a, big pile there in Washington, and then we start making deals and such, to make sure we can all bring some home. Sometimes we run out, and have to make up for it with other fees…MAN #2
You mean taxes? Why don’t you get it from Old Man Potter?WOMAN #2
Yeah! Get it from Potter!GEORGE BAILEY
Now, now, I hate old man Potter just as much as the rest of you. Maybe more. He lives in that cold old mansion up there on Beacon Hill, while you’re getting laid off and trying to make ends meet. It just isn’t right, and that’s why I organized the big ACORN march against him last year. But I’m telling you, even if we confiscated every penny he has, we couldn’t pay for your free universal health care. That’s why we have to charge you for some of it, and make sure you don’t use too much. But don’t worry, I sent my top trade representative Uncle Billy over to China to get a payday loan for the rest.WOMAN #5
But won’t we have to pay them back?GEORGE BAILEY
Well, Marge, yeah, technically, but only until you’re all dead. After that it’ll just be your kids.MAN #4
Stop your malarkey, Bailey! Keep your ridiculous health care bill. We want our money back!
Potterville is looking better and better.
Let It Snow
…let it snow, let it snow.
Joe Lieberman went home to Connecticut for the last day of Chanukkah, and he’s snowed in, which means no cloture vote until he gets back. I’m seeing messages from DC Facebook friends that they’ve had to shovel two feet of global warming off their sidewalks already.
This Story Is Worthless
The controversial Christmas display shows Jesus pointing a double-barrel shotgun at Santa’s dead body as Rudolph lays sprawled across the hood of a pickup truck nearby, WNCT reported.
Neighbors in Nipomo, Calif., called for the display to be removed, but its maker Ron Lake called it a work of art — in which Santa represents the commercialization of Christmas, the station reported.
“It’s an expression of my repressed creativity,” Lake told WNCT.
Uh huh.
[Update a few minutes later]
Here it is. Pic is kind of small, though.
Better Than Vegas
Lileks: “I still think Pottersville would have been a great place to visit if you had a three-day pass from the Army.”
First The Peace Prize
Will a Nobel for Literature be next? And an Emmy for the reading?
I mean, this is must-see teevee.
Plus, it’s a gift that keeps on giving, in its inspiration of other timeless poetry.