Category Archives: Humor

Meeting The Unmet Need

An atheist adoption service for pets abandoned by their raptured owners:

Whatever motivates Centre, he has tapped into a source of genuine unease. Todd Strandberg, who founded a biblical prophecy Web site called raptureready.com that draws 250,000 unique visitors a month, agrees that Fido and Mittens are doomed. “Pets don’t have souls, so they’ll remain on Earth. I don’t see how they can be taken with you,” he says. “A lot of persons are concerned about their pets, but I don’t know if they should necessarily trust atheists to take care of them.”

This paradox poses a challenge for Centre. He must reassure the Rapture crowd that his pet rescuers are wicked enough to be left behind but good enough to take proper care of the abandoned pets. Rescuers must sign an affidavit to affirm their disbelief in God—and they must also clear a criminal background check. “We want people who have pets and are animal lovers,” Centre says. They also must have the means to rescue and transport the animals in their charge. His network consists of 26 rescuers covering 22 states. “They take this very seriously,” Centre says.

It’s a serious issue, previously unaddressed. Isn’t America great? I should sign up as a rescuer.

You Knew This Was Coming

Hitler is told that Constellation has been cancelled.

Of course, whoever made it falls into the common trap of equating Constellation with the human spaceflight program. I really don’t understand the thinking of people who complain that we will have to pay private industry to get to the ISS, as though Ares/Orion wouldn’t be much more expensive. I guess it’s OK to pay government employees, though, and cost-plus contractors.

[Update a few minutes later]

Alan Boyle has a roundup of reactions from…other people.

Engagement

The Saints and Colts are still hoping to avoid having to play a football game:

“Playing this Super Bowl is our last resort,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, who was flanked by the coaches and quarterbacks for the opposing teams. “Yes, there are some difficult issues that need to be hashed out, such as who will be the game’s MVP, the number of total passing yards for each quarterback, and which team will be named Super Bowl champion, but I think we made progress today.”

“The Colts and the Saints are unwavering in their commitment to avoid any violence and wish to resolve the Super Bowl peacefully, without a single football being thrown,” Goodell added.

I think that they should meet without preconditions.

Drinking Game Suggestions

Jonah has some in preparation for the latest Obama borefest.

I’m not sure there’s room to be too original here. His usual phrases are familiar enough: “Let me be clear,” “make no mistake,” “this will not be easy” etc. There’s nothing wrong with that sort of thing. One different way to go is conceptual or thematic. Every time Obama suggests there’s a consensus among experts about a proposal when there isn’t, drink. Every time he claims to be aligned with the populist backlash he created, drink. Every time he suggests that History with a capital H demands that we do whatever it is he’s talking about, drink. Every time he says that he’s being “pragmatic” or “bipartisan” when he’s actually being wildly ideological or partisan, drink. And so on.

My own preference is to drink every time he says something that will obviously cost me money. If that seems like an invitation to alcohol poisoning, you could narrow it down slightly by drinking only when something will cost you money and make the economy worse at the same time.

I don’t think it would narrow it down much.

Anyway, I’ll miss it, or rather, I won’t watch it (I won’t miss it at all). I’m going to a book party for Amy Alkon in Santa Monica.

[Update a while later]

Sarah Elizabeth has some predictions:

If the past two weeks are any indication, the President’s State of the Union address tonight will be hilarious.

I don’t say that to be flippant or snarky, as I am admittedly wont to do. I say that genuinely and from a place of what I consider to be astute analysis.

Case in point: After Scott Brown’s stunning Senate victory in Massachusetts and what was the political equivalent of the Boston Massacre, the story line that immediately emerged out of the White House’s Play-Doh spin factory was that Barack Obama – the Harvard-educated, memoir-penning intellectual and oratorical genius – is now a populist!

If that didn’t generate a chuckle, you’d better get your funny bone examined. To put a finer point on it, the Obama administration now wants you to believe that the same guy who criticized the heartland for clinging to guns and religion, who told Cambridge, Mass., police that they behaved “stupidly,” who made fun of Scott Brown for driving a pickup truck, is now a bona fide man of the people.

I told you: hilarious.

The guy we knew from the past year and from the campaign trail – lofty rhetoric, elitist pontificating from on high – was “Obama: Live at the Acropolis.” The State of the Union will mark a new beginning. Call it the debut of “Obama: Live at Folsom Prison.”

So as we gear up for the speech, may I suggest that you include in your survival kit a six-pack of your favorite adult beverage so we can play a little drinking game called “Barack the Plumber.”

I’m still not going to listen.

[Update early afternoon]

Here are the talking points for the speech. As noted, they’re full of whoppers.

The Half-Wit

I don’t normally pass along emailed jokes, but I thought this one too good to pass up:

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied he said, “there’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

“The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

“Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to … the half-wit,” says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied the rancher.

I think that Tuesday’s results show that the half-wits are coming to their senses.

Why Coakley Lost

Iowahawk has the scoop, from deep within the campaign:

When I move to the Massachusetts Senora Coakley is first a very good lady. She no make me do the windows, only to bring the grocery and the morning tracking polls. She is very happy with the 30% lead and she is always the phone with Senor Reid and the real eastate brokers in Washington. But one morning I am bring her the tracking poll and she is now only up 15% and she is very angry. “Rosa! Why are you to bring me this! Throw this bad poll away and bring me the grapefruit.”

Then, Dio mio, every day the poll is more bad, and she keep yelling louder. She stop asking for the grapefruit and ask for the Ben and Jerry ice cream. She say, “Rosa, why do the stupid voter people fall for the stupid Senor Brown and his stupid truck?” I say, I do no know Senora, maybe because he is the very handsome and against the health care taxes. This is make her very angry and to throw her Ben and Jerry across the kitchen.

When I am clean up the mess Senora Coakley say, “You are the Mexicana, yes Rosa? You must have the old pickup truck I can borrow for the campaign.”

I say, “no Senora, I am from Guatemala. My cousin Estaban has the pickup, but it is need the new transmission.”

Every day it is getting worse with yelling and the polls. Senora Coakley is on the phone with the Senator peoples and the White House peoples, especially after she say the bad things about the Red Sox man. “Why do I have to know all this things about the beisbol players?” she is yelling on the phone. “Nobody at the Harvard cares!”

Then she looks at me and she say, “Rosa! You are the Hispanic like the many beisbol players. Why can no you get me the endorsement from the Pedro Gomez or Lopez or what is his name? You are not being very good to help me!”

I am say, “I am sorry Senora, I know Pedro Gomez but he is not this beisbol player. Maybe you talk to Senor Steinbrenner. Do you want me to go to the Stop and Shop for more Ben and Jerry?”

Well, it has to be someone‘s fault.