Don Surber has the latest roundup of good versus evil.
Category Archives: Humor
What If The Bear Had A Pointed Stick?
A Montana woman fought off a bear attack with a zucchini.
Guess there were no bananas handy.
Well, That Explains It
I’m from the Midwest:
According to a new survey from Men’s Health, the Midwest is best at having sex.
Of course, I’m from the upper Midwest, which just makes it that much better. And I think this explains the higher procurement of marital aids by those coasters. Not to mention that they’re mostly Democrats.
They Should Apologize
This is just wrong:
The Bobcat first went after Brutus as the OSU mascot led the Buckeyes onto the field for the game.
Moments later, the Bobcat mascot climbed on the back of Ohio State’s mascot and rode him to the ground. The two then tussled in the end zone while fans booed.
Two thoughts. No, three.
First, it’s amusing that the only way to instill any fear in the enemy of a team mascot that is basically a tree nut is to name it “Brutus.”
Second, it should be beneath the dignity of a carnivore like a bobcat to even bother with said tree nut, let alone wrestle with it.
Third, you’d never see a wolverine do anything like that.
I Have Been There
Watching someone use a computer. It takes the patience of Job sometimes.
The Delaware Primary
T. Coddington weighs in:
Who was this mysterious rival, I inquired – some heretofore unknown Machiavellian prodigy from Harvard poli sci? An old-money interloper from the Philadelphia Mainline? Neither, they said. The challenge, they explained, came in the form of one “Christine O’Donnell,” a financially destitute 37-year old Tea Party schoolgirl whose intellectual heft by comparison made even la Palin look Obamanesque. I then watched in abject horror as they played a video of her crusading against teenage onanism. I admit no great pride in my own occasional participation in that unseemly adolescent pastime, but what sort of person declaims it on MTV? And what sort of party allows her name to appear on an official primary ballot? And that is when it struck me: I was obviously now witnessing the premise of an elaborate practical joke. Delawareans have long been known as the irascible pranksters of East Coast Republicanism, and to be selected as the target of their good-natured japery is in some fashion an honor. Even though the stunt nearly led to his untimely demise, the very first T. Coddington Van Voorhees himself reportedly enjoyed a hearty laugh after his waggish Delaware friend E. I. du Pont replaced his trusty dueling pistol with a replica that egested a comical “BANG” flag. Not wanting to spoil their fun, I did not let on to the Delaware party officials that I was wise to their little joke. Instead, I played along and counseled them to run a last minute, no-holds-barred negative media blitz against their impossibly fictional “Tea Party candidate.”
And thus I awaited with wry anticipation as Farquhar slowly traversed the breakfast room with the cart bearing the punchline to the Delawareans’ clever prank. This was followed by gales of riotous laughter when I discovered the wags had printed an entire mock edition of the New York Times announcing their satirical “Miss O’Donnell” had actually won the race! I was so overcome with mirth that I kicked over the cart, spilling grapefruit across the marble. As Farquhar trembled back to the kitchens to retrieve the mop, I reached for the ringing telephone prepared to hear the voice of the Delaware GOP chairman crowing about his ingenious drollery. Instead I was greeted with the panicked entreaties of none other that Mr. Castle himself, joined by the Republican National Congressional Committee brain trust, insisting against all rational evidence that Miss O’Donnell was in fact real and that she had indeed won the contest. I conducted an incredulous review of the cable news channels, which confirmed their wild story. I called the kitchen intercom and bade Farquhar fetch me a stiff drink on his way back with the mop.
He’ll probably need to make it a double.
[Update a few minutes later]
A rare interview with the Hawk himself.
Breakin’ Up Is Hard To Do
Barack? Ummmm…can we talk?
I guess what I was trying to say is that those early days were magical. But, well, maybe magic isn’t the best basis for a… Shit. Look, maybe the best way to do this is just come out and say it. I think it’s best if we take a break.
There, I said it.
Come… come on Barack, please don’t be that way. And don’t act so surprised, I mean you must have at least seen some of the approval rating signs. Tea Party? No, Tea Party didn’t put me up to this. Yeah, sure I’ve see him around the neighborhood. I mean, what am I supposed to do while you’re off vacationing with your friends? Sit around this place without a job and watch MSNBC? No, it’s platonic. So far. And for your information, Tea isn’t the retarded Nazi racist loser your friends are always painting him to be. And guess what? He listens to me and seems to like me for what I am, and doesn’t expect me to wear that stupid complicated Scandinavian nurse outfit like you gave me for Christmas. By the way, the charge card bill from Frederick’s of Stockholm just arrived yesterday. $1 trillion, Barack? Really?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” Heh.
Anyway, we’ll always have Denver.
The Bad Guys Have Dr. Evil
…and all we have…
In Which
Famous Hollywood nit-twit John Cusak lets his nut flag fly. Iowahawk has some pitches for him.
Stand Up For Your Rights
I just don’t get all this hate on uncovered boobage and Alan Simpson. If rights to seeing and saying tits aren’t constitutionally protected, what are? The very word is enshrined and embedded right there in the middle of “consTITution.”
In fact, I think that this invention, while not the worst one in the world, is right up there, and clearly unconstitutional (audio may not be safe for work).
[Via Burge on Facebook]