Category Archives: Humor

Humor, Political Commentary, Satire

Comply With Me

35 Comments

…Before you fly away.

[Update a while later]

Following the lead of CAIR, as head of the Council of American-Simbergic Relations (CASR), I have just issued myself the following memo:

Special recommendations for Simbergic men who, as part of their quaint and colorful cultural tradition, are required to wear pants in public:

* If you are selected for secondary screening after you go through the metal detector and it does not go off, and “sss” is not written on your boarding pass, ask the TSA officer if the reason you are being selected is because of your trousers, and specifically your skivvies.
* In this situation, you may be asked to submit to a pat-down or to go through a full body scanner. If you are selected for the scanner, you may ask to go through a pat-down instead.
* Before you are patted down, you should remind the TSA officer that they are only supposed to pat down the area in question, in this scenario, the groinal region. They SHOULD NOT subject you to a full-body or partial-body pat-down.
* You may ask to be taken to a private room for the pat-down procedure of said trouser snake, and have it performed by a smokin’ hot woman. You may also ask for extra time, and cigarettes afterwards, if you smoke.
* If there is no woman available, or if she is insufficiently pulchritudinous and compliant with your special pat-down needs, instead of the pat-down, you can always request to pat down yourself, particularly the pelvic area, and have the officers perform a chemical swipe of your hands.

The latter won’t be a major imposition on me, because I already pat down my junkawesome and monstrous instrument of female pleasurin’ several times a day (only in the interests of security, of course), though I usually don’t have anyone to perform the requisite chemical swipe afterwards, so that will be a government-subsidized bonus for me. I am a vaguely semitic appearing person, and I am always very suspicious of me, as are most people who meet me, with good reason. I never know what I may have in my pants.

[Update mid afternoon]

General Science, Humor, Philosophy, Popular Culture

Cosmological Thoughts

4 Comments

From Lileks:

Says io9: “Two enormous, gamma-ray-emitting structures are bubbling out of the center of our galaxy. And astronomers have no idea what caused them.” That’s comforting. They do have an explanation for the enormous white brackets and letters and numbers, each of which is several hundred light-years across, but about the bubbles they got bupkis. That’s not what gets me, though: it’s the Milky Way. Suddenly it seems as if we really should have a better name for the galaxy. You meet some aliens, work out the language issues, and find out they call the Galaxy “The Hand of God Prime” or “The Torch of the Void” or “The Cradle of Light,” and then they ask us, and then they look at us with their eyes on stalks moving quizzically up and down and say, in their grating metallic voices, “The Fluid of Mammary Glands Road? Seriously?” And one of them spies a Milky Way candy bar – actually, he heard its distinct chemical signature as it underwent a chemical change when the wrapper opened, and this produced a rather dissonant change in the infra-red spectrum, which they usually reserve for tragedy and dark comedy – and he asks why that is named after the galaxy. Or if it’s named for breast milk. “It’s all about tits with you people, isn’t it?” And then we sort of nod and say, well, you got us there, what can we say. But what did you say you called Andromeda, the Comely Buttock? To each his own, then.

Also thoughts on colliding galaxies, and failure to us a turn signal.

Humor, Media Criticism, Political Commentary

Update: The Free Speech Crisis At Iowahawk Blog

8 Comments

Worsens:

During the ongoing Iowahawk suspension / unsuspension / disunsuspension / strike crisis, I suspected that I and the other corporate “suits” at Iowahawk would pull out all stops to discredit me. But I never thought that I would stoop as low as to engage in a whispering campaign accusing me of treason against the United States of America. Sadly, this now appears to be the case. As we all know by now, a mysterious rocket powered missile was spotted over California today. Just as mysteriously, a new meme is appearing on Twitter, somehow linking this event with my recent alleged trip to California and subsequent suspension of myself.

Let me be clear. Yes, I was in California recently. And yes, during my visit I did spend last Thursday at XCOR Aerospace, a manufacturer of suborbital rocket vehicles in Mojave, at the invitation of renowned controversial science space blogger Rand Simberg.

And yes, okay, I sometimes enjoy playing with and/or driving rocket-propelled items. What of it? I have never sought to hide any of this from the public. But for anyone to somehow string these completely unrelated “facts” as evidence of some sort of bizarre master plan on my part to steal a rocket from XCOR and use it in a botched hold up of a Malibu liquor store, well, I mean, come on. That’s just crazy talk. The so-called “facts” being shopped around by Iowahawk’s corporate goons are as coincidental as the unexplained weekend break in and missing equipment at XCOR. If you ask me, the so-called “mystery rocket” was almost certainly fired by UN ships, seeking to enforce war crime sanctions against California for “The Kardashians,” “The Hills,” and “Real Housewives of Orange County.”

I am shocked that myself would suggest that I would be involved in a brazen military attack on what is arguably still part of the United States. At long last, me, have I no shame?

Not that I’ve ever noticed. Neither he nor him would last two minutes if either of them had any shame. And now he’s dragging me in as an accessory. At this point, a suspension without pay is far too lenient. He should be forced to start blogging again without pay.

Humor, Political Commentary

Alvin Greene

5 Comments

The gift that keeps on giving:

South Carolina’s Democratic Party spokeswoman Keiana Page confirmed that on Tuesday an unidentified caller asked about the presidential filing fee and Mr. Greene confirmed to the political website Politico that he had made that call. When asked if he was considering a presidential campaign his response was, “Maybe, I’ll have to see.”

Well, that would boost sales of the action figures.

Humor, Media Criticism, Political Commentary

Another Media Suspension Over Ethics

6 Comments

Who knew that Iowahawk had ethics?

Dear Me:

Effective 8 am this morning, you have been relieved from your duties as Chief Executive Senior Anchor at Iowahawk. The Iowahawk Code of Ethics clearly states (Section 3c[11.05]) that:

Employees of Iowahawk shall, during critical election seasons, remain at their assigned posts and think of cheap blog stunts to suck in the big internet traffic. During the seven days immediately preceding and seven days immediately following a national election, prohibited employee activities include, but are not limited to:

1. Partying with Tim Blair.
2. Driving about aimlessly in a hot rod.
3. Flying to the coast and getting drunk.
4. Moonlighting as a fire insurance ‘consultant’

It has been brought to my attention that during the recent election season you were engaged in at least three of these prohibited activities. Therefore I have no other recourse but to suspend me indefinitely pending my thorough investigation and review into this matter.

As someone partially involved in one of his recent ethical breaches on the coast, I feel some responsibility for this horrific turn in his fate, though I think that Blair should bear the brunt of it. He needs to find a more reasonable employer. And a smarter one. What kind of idiot would suspend Iowahawk? We should start a protest, and a legal defense fund.

Humor, Media Criticism, Political Commentary, Satire

Man, Hitler Is Having A Really Bad Week

13 Comments

First the Dems losing the House big time, and now this.

I have to say, though, that the substitution of “Olbermann” for “Steiner” is a little jarring, given that they’re both German names (hey, I never thought how appropriate his name was until now…). I’m sure that people fluent in German have to find these quite annoying. But for the rest of us, they’re the gift that keeps on giving.

Humor, Political Commentary, Popular Culture, War Commentary, Weird

First It’s Cartoons

30 Comments

And now this:

Prominent Muslim religious heads have expressed anger and dismay on the information of a US dog being named ‘Khan.’ Maulana Syed Athar Ali said that it is a known fact that Muslims detest pigs and dogs.

“To name a dog a Muslim name by US security agencies is to deliberately incite the Muslim community. We would be meeting soon and devise a strategy to protest and seek apology from the US,” said Maulana Athar Ali.

Yes, of course. It was a deliberate act of provocation. And just how angry are they? This angry.

Hey, it’s a religion of peace. Or so they say.