…signs.
[Update a few minutes later]
Someone had too much time on their hands: the physics of Superman.
Category Archives: Humor
Down With The Tau Deniers
The Derb reports on a serious controversy in the world of mathematics.
He’s Always The Last To Know
Hitler has found out about Carmageddon.
For once, I feel his pain. Fortunately, I don’t have any reason to go to the Valley this weekend.
The Country’s In The Very Best Of Hands
“Eric, don’t call my bluff.”
Somehow, I think that he doesn’t quite get the concept of bluffing.
I’d love to play poker with him. Does he know that it’s played with cards?
Yes, I categorized this as humor. So I don’t cry.
I have to say, I see a big future in tee shirts and bumper stickers from this. Not to mention campaign ads.
[Update a few minutes later]
How Al Gore Ruined My Marriage
This is a pretty funny anti-CFL rant.
So Many Questions
Iowahawk has the ones that didn’t make it past the Town Hall Twitter filter:
Subtract Malia’s age from the number of states. Multiply the result by the number of jobs saved or created.
Math wasn’t your strong suit, was it?
I let my Mexican drug lord license expire. Am I still eligible for the free machine gun program?
When you’re visiting his volcano lair, does George Soros let you feed the laser sharks?
The staffer who suggested this Twitter Town Hall is fired, isn’t he?
Are you smart enough to create a problem so big that even you could not solve it?
Why isn’t your cabinet unionized?
If Joe Biden has a massive stroke, (a) do you have a replacement in mind, and (b) how would you tell?
There are a lot more.
A Solution To Global Warming
Why didn’t I think of this?
[Via Paul Hsieh, on Facebook]
The President’s Foreign Policy
[Attacking Libya is] consistent with the War Powers Act, which is constitutional on the third Tuesday of every month but not when applied to kinetic military actions that look a lot like wars, especially when you’re leading from behind against Muammar Qaddafi, who’s a tyrant responsible for a number of man-caused disasters, unlike the ophthalmologist who’s reforming Syria with tanks and flamethrowers that don’t destroy nearly as many jobs as the ATMs located in Las Vegas, where nobody should go to blow a bunch of cash when saving for college, except Joe Biden, who nobody messes with and is a big f*****g deal because he liberated Auschwitz with Patton during an overseas contingency operation that was the boldest decision by any president who hasn’t healed the planet or lowered the missile-defense shields in Eastern Europe so that the Russians will pressure the Iranians to hit the reset button on their nuclear-weapons program and make peace with the Israelis, since no one else will as long as they unreasonably insist on maintaining their existence and building shovel-ready projects in Jerusalem without the use of stimulus money that has proven time and again to keep unemployment rates below 8 percent whenever a Republican drives his car into a ditch while sitting in the back seat sipping a Slurpee and working on his tan like a typical white person whose house is surrounded by a moat with alligators to keep out people who do the jobs Americans won’t do because at some point they’ve made enough money to act as stupidly as the Cambridge police or someone who smuggles AK-47s to Mexican drug cartels in an effort to win the future, just like MacArthur did when Emperor Hirohito came down and surrendered to him at the end of World Time-Limited Scope-Limited Military Action II — which everybody agrees was George Bush’s fault.
Only another year and a half. I hope we survive it.
A Silent Crisis
Jonah Goldberg raises the alarm:
The conviction of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich coincided with the release of a new study that finds that, since the 1970s, a current or former Illinois governor is more likely to be in the criminal justice system than out. This is a shocking state of affairs that deserves more public attention and more dedication from the governor community. If only someone had reached out to these Illinois governors earlier. If only they had more positive role models. Perhaps if video games and TV weren’t full of images of politicians ripping off their states. Who knows what causes this epidemic? What we do know is that something must be done to stop this crisis in the heartland, to halt this inter-generational pattern of gubernatorial criminal pathology.
It’s only a matter of time until the pathology extends to other Chicago-based politicians, all the way to Washington, DC.
Space Alien Invasions And Hollywood
if you’re going to cross vast distances to conquer humanity for the usual reasons, I doubt they would use guns and bombs. An EMP for starters, then gas. But it’s never gas. No, they walk around with guns and shoot, and in the case of “Fallen Skies,” they have stormtrooper aim half the time. In last night’s episode the aliens set a trap in a food warehouse, where they suspected the humans might go. Let’s imagine that conversation in the war room:
“Corporal Xxrtg, send a Mechabot 3bV to the trap, and wait for the humans to come for food.”
“Okay, but -”
“But what?”
“If they’re coming for food, they’re probably attached to a larger group. Why not just call in their appearance, and have the huntercraft look for their heat signature and vaporize them all at once?”
“Don’t ask me. Ask Commander Plrgb. It’s his call.”
“As long as we’re at it, why not just send in hush-snakes with the gas? They’d -”
“Again with the gas! It’s always the gas with you.”
“It’s just easier, that’s all I’m saying. Have you seen the reports? We have a 37% kill ratio because someone upstairs says we have to shoot them one at a time. And forget about the wide-radius heat ray, apparently.”
“I don’t make the rules of engagement. Now get on it.”
“Sure. And tell whoever assigned us the Mechabot 3bV that the men call it Old Stompy. It can’t take two steps without giving away its position.”
“Get moving.”
“Yes sir.”
There are two ways the series can end: humans win, or humans lose. “Win” is nice, rah us, but I have a hard time believing that the time-honored Ragtag Band of Scrappy Fighters can defeat a culture capable of space travel. It even makes “War of the Worlds” seem silly, because you have to imagine this conversation at HQ: did you remind the contractors to refit the ships with biofilters?”
(Panicked expression) “I thought that was your job.”
“Hell no. I TOLD you.”
“No you didn’t.”
Remind me to hire him for my next SF flick (which will also be my first).
[Update a while later]
This seems related, somehow: s3x with creatures from the future can be bad for your offspring’s health.