Then read Megan McArdle’s advice. It will be helpful. And hilarious.

You’ll never find things like this reported anywhere except at The Onion.

“The evidence introduced in this trial has convinced me that the deity known as God has willfully and actively thwarted competition from other deities and demigods, promoting His worship with such unfair scare tactics as threatening non-believers with eternal damnation,” wrote District Judge Charles Elliot Schofield in his decision. “In the process, He has carved out for Himself an illegal monotheopoly.”

Also, there’s a great discussion over at Free Republic on this topic, e.g.:

Q: So re-incarnation is like those long return lines at Fry’s Electronics?

Actually, reincarnation is nothing more than instantiating a new instance of a Soul Object. It’s transparent. Most afterlives automatically handle Soul collection and recreation if that feature is enabled. You shouldn’t have to programmatically call a delete(Soul mySoul) through incantation or sorcery in afterlives employing modern architectures.

and

I believe one of the main criticisms was God’s strategy of “bundling” Salvation with the Dogma package. This definitely stifles competition. For instance, suppose I want an open-source Salvation solution — I can’t get that if I also want Dogma because most all vendors (Catholic and Protestant) have very strict licensing agreements that require them to only ship the standard Salvation product.

This makes it very difficult on third-party Paradise vendors. I applaud the ruling.

I am wounded to the core of my fragile being that Professor Reynolds would accuse me of sending him “off-color” jokes via email about the recent ceramic-penis-napping caper in Colorado. He must have somehow simply mistaken my genuine curiousity for something much more crude and nefarious.

I simply asked him if, in their fervent desire to find the culprit, he thought that the Boulder librarians might hire a private dick. You know, one possessing the most straight and upright character…

You, the gentle reader, may now judge for yourself.

[Update] At the risk of destroying the pristine value of a potential Iowahawk classic, I’ve come up with a new verse, and invite readers to contribute more…

Convoy!

[Ah, breaker one-nine, this here’s the Fatwa Duck. You got a copy on me, Goatpen? C’mon. Ah, yeah, ten-four, Goatpen, for sure, for sure. By golly, it’s clean clear to Kabultown. C’mon. Yeah, that’s a big ten-four there, Goatpen. Yeah, we definitely got the tent door, good buddy. Allah Akbar alive, looks like we got us a convoy.]

It was the dark of the moon on an old sand dune

And a camel pullin’ logs

Cab-over Pete with some poppies on

And a Jimmy haulin’ wogs

We’s headin’ for death on the Old Silk Road

‘Bout a mile outta Shakeytown

I says ‘Goatpen, this here’s Fatwa Duck’

‘And I’m about to put the jihad down’

{chorus}
‘Cause we got a big old convoy rockin’ thru the night

Yeah, we got a big old convoy, martyrs packed in tight

Come on and join our convoy, six dozen virgins await

Gonna roll this truckin’ convoy, to Allah’s pearly gate

Convoy!

We got Saudis, Egyptions, Lebanese and Yemenese, and

Folks down from Gaza Strip.

We’ve even got an idiot from Oregon

All eager for the trip

If our stingers don’t work, and the gunships home in

And they blow us all to Kingdom Come

We’ll send up a prayer to keep the virgins in stock

With an extra ration of rum

{chorus}

‘Cause we got a big old convoy rockin’ thru the night

Yeah, we got a big old convoy, martyrs packed in tight

Come on and join our convoy, six dozen virgins await

Gonna roll this truckin’ convoy, to Allah’s pearly gate

Convoy!

[Ah, breaker, Pigpen, this here’s Fatwa Duck ‘n’ you wanna back off them hogs? Ah, ten-four. About 5 mile or so. Ten roger. Them infidels is gettin’ INtense up here. Aaaagghhhh!!!]

Sing it with your friends tonight…