January 6, 2008

MANCHESTER (APUPI)

In the days leading up to the crucial primary in this crucial state, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney put his money where his mouth is today in the hard-fought race for the Republican nomination.

“I am the candidate of change!,” he declared.

“To prove it,” he went on, “I am going to use my millions to provide every New Hampshire voter who shows up at the polls on Tuesday with a huge bag of nickels, to spend on whatever you wish, whether it be a down payment on your five thousand dollar fee for John McCain’s scamnesty program, or your first month’s payment on my mandatory health-insurance plan. We’ll even provide a truck to help you carry the loot home.”

In related news in the Democrat primary, Senator Hillary Clinton, who used the word “change” at least three hundred and forty times in last night’s debate, before transcribers got tired of counting, reiterated her commitment to it in a town hall meeting here today. “I promise that if I don’t win this nomination I will really be making change, even more than I have for the last thirty-five years. And in addition, I’ll be asking many of you in this audience, ‘would you like fries with that’?”

In unrelated news, several Clinton campaign advisors were admitted to the local emergency room with mysterious head injuries that had the appearance of blows from high-velocity table lamps.

[Update after watching the Republican “forum” which is a much better term than “debate’]

Rudy points out that “change” is less important, much less important, than what kind of change we get. I’m not in general a Rudy fan, but kudos. I wish that Fred, who spoke before him on the subject, had made at least that brief point.

…and filmed our cat.

Well, except for the very last. She hasn’t done that.

Yet.

[Via Geek Press]

From presidential candidate Iowahawk. I think I should start measuring the draperies for my office as Space Czar.

Milk prices hit $3.84/gallon in September which was about a buck more than gasoline. My solution: put ice in milk glasses, then add 15% ethanol to the milk to be required by law. The solution’s also known as (White) Russian.

— Update 12/21, 9:00 PM CST —

Ethanol should be mandated for 15% of the rocket fuel used in US rockets. That might get ADM to stump for more launches.

Fred has won another key endorsement, from Frank J.

Somehow, I don’t think that this was one of the surprises that Thompson told us to keep an eye out for.

Some encomia to his fellow hog wranglers and soy growers, from Iowahawk, who recently suffered a fourth-year bloggiversary:

As a native of the Hawkeye State, with family roots stretching five generations deep into the fertile black topsoil of America’s heartland pork basket, I have to roll my eyes when I hear these ignorant, envious complaints, which sometimes shows up in cruel jokes like “do you know what ‘Iowa’ stands for? Idiots Out Walking Around!” Hardy har har. Well guess what? You never hear Iowans joking about “Nerds Eating Weak Yellowy Overcooked Rubbery Kernels” or “Corn Appears Like It’s For Old Rats, Not Iowa Animals.” We could, but we don’t, because we’re not a bunch of jealous, insecure people with inferiority complexes about our corn production, and ear length and girth, like some ‘Super Tuesday’ states I could name.

Unfortunately, the jealous resentment of non-Iowa states sometimes takes a more pernicious form, such as trying to “leapfrog” Iowa by scheduling their primaries earlier and earlier. Nice try, non-Iowa states. You want to move to January 20th? Fine, we’ll reschedule to the 14th. January 7, you say? We’ll take Christmas Eve. No matter how early you set your political alarm clocks, Iowa will already be down in the electoral kitchen, waiting to serve you a couple of delicious sizzling strips of candidate bacon from our caucus frying pan. It’s our job, and it’s not like we’ve got anything better to do.

If you are a political activist from one of the various non-Iowa states, let me first say I understand the hurt and frustration and resentment you probably feel toward my state, and the overwhelming attention it gets during the campaign season. But I will also tell you that the most important step toward healing is acceptance: acceptance of your own natural insignificance, and the fact that Iowa will always be first because it is the one state uniquely qualified to be America’s official Presidential Sniff Tester.

Aren’t you glad we have Iowans to pick our presidents for us? Let us give thanks.

A “How To Spot A Cylon” poster.

A “How To Spot A Cylon” poster.

A “How To Spot A Cylon” poster.