…they almost write themselves. The headline itself is wonderful:
Giant inflatable turd escapes moorings and brings down electricity line
Read the last line, too.
Category Archives: Humor
Get Ready To Split A Gut
…at the world’s oldest jokes.
Well, OK, not so much. It says they’re old jokes, not good jokes.
Speaking Of General Zod
At least one will be saved from the coming carbon apocalypse:
Al Gore–or, as he is known in his own language, Gore-Al–placed his son, Kal-Al, gently in the one-passenger rocket ship, his brow furrowed by the great weight he carried in preserving the sole survivor of humanity’s hubristic folly.
“There is nothing left now but to ensure that my infant son does not meet the same fate as the rest of my doomed race,” Gore said. “I will send him to a new planet, where he will, I hope, be raised by simple but kindly country folk and grow up to be a hero and protector to his adopted home.”
Hope the poles aren’t so warm there that he can’t build an arctic fortress of pomposity.
The People Of Berlin
…have spoken.
I particularly liked the Che comparison, and the hope that the messiah will make Americans less “superficial.”
[Update a few minutes later]
Is Obama channelling General Zod?
I am General Zod! Listen to me, people of the Earth! Today I bring a New Order to your planet! One which shall last until the end of time!
Each of you… each man, each woman, each child – all will march proudly together in this New Order! Your lands, your homes, your possessions, your very lives… All of this and more you will gladly give to me!
There is no longer a need for separate nations in this world, no need for petty squabbles between one group and another. All of you will work together, strive, produce, and sacrifice together – and all for a common goal!
Michelle and Barack will make the humans of planet Earth work, and shed their cynicism.
Actually, Michelle can have my cynicism when she pries it from my cold, dead cynical typing fingers.
Manning Submarines
…with women.
Somehow, it reminds me of this classic Martin Mull (and Steve Martin) sea shanty.
Man Versus Nature
A few horrifyingly hilarious tales. Don’t miss the exploding whales.
Fraud Detection
The (modern) difference between science and the humanities.
Change!
Who said he wasn’t funny? Here are a bunch of Obama light-bulb jokes.
[Update a while later]
And now, knock-knock jokes.
The Finance Crisis
I know what you’re saying — “who invited the fat chick to the Twister party?” Certainly, all of us (with the possible exception of Randy) wish she wasn’t here. But it’s important to remember that fat chicks are often an important source of party supplies, and we must take the good with the bad. In the same way, Fannie Mae supplies the critical financial weed and beer to keep our national economic party going.
The numbers are complex, but let me boil it down for the economic layperson. Fannie Mae is a government company type thing that has a large pile of money, which I will call “A”. The first thing it does is create $20 million bonuses for high performance executives like Franklin Raines, James Johnson and Jamie Gorelick, which I will call “B.” Next, it allocates an amount “C” to lobbyists to make sure important Congressmen always get a thoughtful holiday card from Fannie Mae. After subtracting B and C from A, they are left with D, which is lent to homebuyers. These homebuyers then pay back the amount E, which, when subtracted from D, leaves F, the amount Congress has to come up with. In order to keep this important financial system humming along at peak efficiency, it is necessary that you, the taxpayer, are F’ed.
RTWT, and save the Dave!
Al Qality
Iowahawk has gotten a hold of the latest hirabi recruitment brochure:
As you have possibly heard by now, Team Satan and their subsidiary Iraqi Security Forces have made several key market acquisitions in the last few months. In order to meet Q3 Return-on-Mayhem targets and maximize stakeholder value, we need to refocus our client-facing resource model. As we are currently seeking a 17th round of venture funding, budgets are extremely tight, and this will require reducing our internal work team payroll load through adaptive right-sizing on a go-forward basis. Accounting estimates indicate that much of this will be achieved via natural attrition and Apache Hellfire missiles. Still, in order to achieve costing targets, we will need to engage in involuntary outboarding.
The Communications department will be most directly effected by this initiative, as we continue transitioning of our day-to-day public relations efforts to low-cost offshore service providers like Huffington Post, DailyKos, and Democratic Underground.
Hey, you get what you pay for.