Category Archives: Humor

Humor, Political Commentary

He Would Know

Leon Panetta gets a critical endorsement for taking over the CIA:

President Clinton called him “a trustworthy public servant who knows how to keep his mouth shut.”

“Leon was by my side for two and half years,” said Mr. Clinton. “About 14 months of his service came during the time that I was not having sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky, in the White House. During all those months, no one ever knew what my chief of staff knew or didn’t know, nor do they know it now.”

Mr. Panetta has also been a vocal opponent of the use of torture, but Mr. Clinton said “that’s likely just a lasting effect of his close contact with the former First Lady.”

The funniest thing is that I won’t be very surprised if Bill actually says something like this, given his foot-in-mouth behavior during the campaign.

Humor, Media Criticism, Political Commentary

This Should Put Her Over The Top

3 Comments

Caroline Kennedy has gotten the coveted Rosa Ortiz endorsement:

Senora Kennedy she is always know the issues. Every morning she always tell me, “Rosa, where is my New York Time paper?” Then she read it before she go to Fifth Avenue for the shopping. When she get back she tell me to put it in the recycle because to save the planet.

Senora Kennedy is the good boss for the people. She treat everybody on the staff very nice and no yell. We all get one day off in the week and she give the $200 bonus this Christmas. Except Maria because she broke the crystal bowl in the office when she dusting.

Senora Kennedy knows how to call the taxi. Senora Kennedy say to tell you she sometime call taxi by herself.

We’re so fortunate to have investigative reporter David Burge to ferret these things out. But Camelot Barbie shouldn’t feel too bad — Extreme Mortman has come up with a list of ten marketing flops that are bigger than her Senate bid. I think that Waterworld
is worse, too.

Humor, Popular Culture, Social Commentary

On Shaving

4 Comments

Meditations from Lileks:

I’m just tired of making the sink look like a scene from Hellraiser.

I know it’s my fault; I should prep the beard, swaddle my puss with scalding towels, use better cream, better razors. I was perfectly happy with the multi-blade razor that vibrated like it was full of bees; either on or off it did the trick, more or less, but I began to balk at laying out a double sawbuck for four refills, and slunk back to disposables. Didn’t get the store brands, because those things are like shaving with a garden rake. I wasn’t going to go for the two-blades; no man likes to think his beard can be tamed with a mere two blades, not when science is working as we speak on a razor with more blades than a Chinese acrobat pyramid has levels. Three blades seemed right, with a “lubricating strip” that deposited a stratum of imaginary soothing-agents on your face. The first shave was always good, unless you cut yourself making a turn on the jaw, in which case you had to have the razor put down immediately. Once they go rogue, taste blood, they’re useless. I usually managed to cut myself once a week, though – the side of the lip, or one of those absolutely unstanchable disasters on the top of the philtrum, or around the chin-dimple hillocks. Once you’ve opened a new account, so to speak, you’ve no choice but to scrape it open the next day, unless you shave around it and cultivate a small plot of beard to go with the conspicuous blot of clotted blood. If you have two going at once, well, you look like you shaved by dragging an angry parakeet over your face.

One of the reasons I have a mustache is to avoid the philtrum.

As an added bonus, Jack The Ripper.

General Science, Humor, Weird

First A Purple Cow

6 Comments

…and now this:

Dr Mike Edwards, an English teacher at Meoncross School in Stubbington, Hants, first spotted the squirrel outside his classroom window.

He said: ‘I was sitting in my classroom and looked out the window and saw it sitting on the fence. I had to do a double take.

‘Since then it’s been a bit of a regular at the school – everyone’s seen it.

‘We thought it might have been paint or something but then when you look at it up close, it’s an all-over coat, not in patches like you’d expect if it had been near some paint.

‘Its fur actually looks purple all the way through. It’s an absolute mystery.’

But I can tell you any how, I’d rather see than be one.

Humor, Media Criticism, Political Commentary, Popular Culture

The Latest Bailout

3 Comments

Just in time for the holidays. Congress has to step in to keep the North Pole from going under:

“These are grim economic times for everyone, but even more so for non-profit toy manufacturers in the Snow Belt,” said Kringle. “Our accountants have indicated that we are on track to exhaust our reserves of cash and magical pixie fairydust by December 23. Oh deary me.”

Kringle and UET union president Binky McGiggles presented a draft emergency bailout plan to the committee calling for US $18 trillion in federal grants, loan guarantees, and sugarplum gumdrops that they said would keep the company solvent through December 26.

“We believe this proposal shows that management and labor can work together to craft a reasonable, financially responsible short-term survival plan,” said McGiggles. “After the new Congress is seated in January, we would be happy to return to present a long-term package to get us through April.”

Kringle warned that failure to approve the plan would have dire global economic consequences.

“Oh goodness,” said an emotional Kringle, fumbling with his glasses, “think of all the children who will wake up sad and angry and confused on Christmas morning, with nothing in their stockings. Let’s just say I wouldn’t want to be their parents. Or a someone answering your switchboards on December 26.”

Where will the madness end?

Of course, if Santa isn’t too big to fail, who is?