Lileks (who has started actually blogging, with multiple updates per day and stuff) has a good one.
Category Archives: Humor
Just Arrived In Big Hollywood
Cold Humpcrack Creekwater: Two retarded gay cowgirl sisters (Rene Zellweger, Traci Lords) defy a fundamentalist sherriff (Chris Cooper) and discover love in this 1930’s period piece set in the Appalachian outback of Nebraskansaw.
Angel Soft This: In a shocking and sometimes humorous indictment of the toilet paper industry, filmmaker Morgan Spurlock documents the ravages he suffers after 30 straight days of non-stop butt-wiping.
Snow Fuji Mountain: Mothra (Toby Damon) and Gamera (Orlando Law) discover forbidden love while destroying Tokyo in this story of nuclear-triggered sexual awakening.
I would actually pay to see some of these.
Kermit Feels Their Pain
It’s not easy being green:
The unexpected discovery of a nest of red-cheeked squirrels amidst the huge, partially constructed MegaPyre Solar Power plant has halted construction, casting doubt on the viability of what has been considered to be the environmentalist’s crown jewel of renewable power facilities.
The 20 gigawatt plant was expected to provide electricity to much of southern California, and was only 6 months away from completion when the nest of squirrels, which are on the endangered species list, was found. Due to federal regulations regarding endangered species, moving the nest to another location is not permitted.
The situation has confounded local environmentalists, who are now evenly divided on whether the solar power plant or the nest of squirrels is more important to their cause.
Hear that little sound? That’s the sound of the world’s tiniest violin.
[Yes, I know it’s a joke. The twenty gigawatts, if nothing else, is a dead giveaway.]
Iowahawk’s Crystal Ball
He has his 2009 wrap-up early this year:
MARCH
Controversy erupts over new David Beckham ad for Calvin Klein underwear after embarrassed football star admits “accidentally” stuffing briefs with a potato; “I didn’t know it was supposed to go in the front,” says Becks
Stocks cautiously rebound on strong earning reports from Sterno, GunMart, American Hobo Supply
I liked the Superbowl prediction as well.
Blazing Saddles
As one commenter asks, is Nancy Pelosi the Botox Kid?
He Would Know
Leon Panetta gets a critical endorsement for taking over the CIA:
President Clinton called him “a trustworthy public servant who knows how to keep his mouth shut.”
“Leon was by my side for two and half years,” said Mr. Clinton. “About 14 months of his service came during the time that I was not having sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky, in the White House. During all those months, no one ever knew what my chief of staff knew or didn’t know, nor do they know it now.”
Mr. Panetta has also been a vocal opponent of the use of torture, but Mr. Clinton said “that’s likely just a lasting effect of his close contact with the former First Lady.”
The funniest thing is that I won’t be very surprised if Bill actually says something like this, given his foot-in-mouth behavior during the campaign.
This Should Put Her Over The Top
Caroline Kennedy has gotten the coveted Rosa Ortiz endorsement:
Senora Kennedy she is always know the issues. Every morning she always tell me, “Rosa, where is my New York Time paper?” Then she read it before she go to Fifth Avenue for the shopping. When she get back she tell me to put it in the recycle because to save the planet.
Senora Kennedy is the good boss for the people. She treat everybody on the staff very nice and no yell. We all get one day off in the week and she give the $200 bonus this Christmas. Except Maria because she broke the crystal bowl in the office when she dusting.
Senora Kennedy knows how to call the taxi. Senora Kennedy say to tell you she sometime call taxi by herself.
We’re so fortunate to have investigative reporter David Burge to ferret these things out. But Camelot Barbie shouldn’t feel too bad — Extreme Mortman has come up with a list of ten marketing flops that are bigger than her Senate bid. I think that Waterworld
is worse, too.
On Shaving
Meditations from Lileks:
I’m just tired of making the sink look like a scene from Hellraiser.
I know it’s my fault; I should prep the beard, swaddle my puss with scalding towels, use better cream, better razors. I was perfectly happy with the multi-blade razor that vibrated like it was full of bees; either on or off it did the trick, more or less, but I began to balk at laying out a double sawbuck for four refills, and slunk back to disposables. Didn’t get the store brands, because those things are like shaving with a garden rake. I wasn’t going to go for the two-blades; no man likes to think his beard can be tamed with a mere two blades, not when science is working as we speak on a razor with more blades than a Chinese acrobat pyramid has levels. Three blades seemed right, with a “lubricating strip” that deposited a stratum of imaginary soothing-agents on your face. The first shave was always good, unless you cut yourself making a turn on the jaw, in which case you had to have the razor put down immediately. Once they go rogue, taste blood, they’re useless. I usually managed to cut myself once a week, though – the side of the lip, or one of those absolutely unstanchable disasters on the top of the philtrum, or around the chin-dimple hillocks. Once you’ve opened a new account, so to speak, you’ve no choice but to scrape it open the next day, unless you shave around it and cultivate a small plot of beard to go with the conspicuous blot of clotted blood. If you have two going at once, well, you look like you shaved by dragging an angry parakeet over your face.
One of the reasons I have a mustache is to avoid the philtrum.
As an added bonus, Jack The Ripper.
Don’t Blame Us
If you don’t want people to use your music to torment terrorists, then quit making such awful music.
Dave Barry
Is not making this up this time.