Doug Messier has a scoop on the latest cost cutting efforts at NASA. One small step for a dummy, one giant leap for dummykind.
Category Archives: Humor
In Memorium
Neil Armstrong’s sherpa has died. It’s a shame he didn’t live long enough to see the fortieth anniversary this July.
The First Reviews Are In
Star Trek fans think the movie sux.
A Che Teeshirt
…that I would love to wear, say, in Ann Arbor. I wonder if they sell it at Che Mart?
Heh.
The New Red Scare
BOBBY
Look, Johnny… we saw what happened in History this morning. Maybe you got off to a rough start, but you’ve still got a chance to fit in. Why don’t you join one of the after-school clubs? There’s the Diversity Club, the Peace-a-longs, The Diversitarians, Feces Art Society, The Multidiversies…
DEBBIE
…don’t forget the Multiculturalettes!
BOBBY
And how, sis! What do you say, Johnny? It’ll be swell! And all our clubs have full federal funding. If you wash that greasy kid stuff out of your hair, I think you might even be FTCA material!
JOHNNY
No dice, Daddy-o! Taxes are for squares.
Bobby and Debbie look at each other quizzically
DEBBIE AND BOBBY
“Squares”?
JOHNNY
Yeah – L-7s. Cubes. Melvins. Nosebleeds.
DEBBIE
Bobby… I think he means he doesn’t like them!
BOBBY
Johnny! Keep it down! Do you want the Hate Speech monitors to hear you? That kind of language could be interpreted by as illegally offensive! They could send you off to Juvie for that!
JOHNNY
Ha! There ain’t no such thing as illegal speech.
BOBBY
What!? Says who?
JOHNNY
Sez dis.
Johnny whips out a laminated card from his dungaree pocket, close up of the Constitution
HORNS
bomp bomp BAAAAAAAAH!
NARRATOR
And so it begins. What Debbie and Bobby don’t know is that “John Smith” is actually Johnny “Snake” Republico, secret agitator for the forces of International Constitutionalism — the insidious extreme rightwing ideology that seeks to bring America to its knees by enslaving our helpless unsuspecting government, and stop it from giving you all the things that you want. It spreads like a cancer, slowly driving victims into violent, racist, anti-tax madness. It takes a strong will to resist the Consties’ hypnotic sales pitch — are Debbie and Bobby up to it?
Find out, after the commercial.
Low Self Esteem
Frank J. says that we should pity the pirates, and ask ourselves why they plunder us:
…for a change, let’s really look at pirates. You may just see how they are the victims in all of this. That may seem ridiculous to you. After all, aren’t they the ones taking hostages? But ransoming hostages is just how they make their living. Do you get angry at an IRS agent or a lawyer for just doing his job? The issue is why pirates find pillaging and plundering their only options.
It’s not going very far out on a limb to say that pirates suffer from low self-esteem. They often have inferior prosthetics, such as hooks and peg legs, and that alone makes them feel disconnected from “normal” people. Then there is the scurvy and the inevitable depression that comes with it. Throw in the addiction to rum, and it’s obvious to anyone that we have individuals in severe need of help. Just look at a pirate’s choice of a pet: the parrot. It’s an aloof animal that does nothing but repeat the pirate’s own words in a mocking tone. If that were not enough of a cry for help, there is also their habit of burying treasure. It’s like they don’t even feel they are worthy of the fruits of their plundering and murder and thus deny it for themselves.
We have to help them. Do it for the children. As one commenter notes, pirates are people, too.
Lileks Went To Disney World
Again. Here’s an amusing Retweet Theatre on the subject. More extensive coverage of the expedition can be found here and here.
The Latest Stop On The Apology Tour
You may or may not be shocked to learn that, after hours at the Space Access conference, discussions took place, often with alcohol involved. One of the results is my latest piece at PJM, in which I report on the president’s attempt to repair our relations with the solar system.
Which One Are You?
Michael Malone has a commenter bestiary. Some of my commenters are combinations of his descriptions.
Cage Match
Who is the greater world leader, President Obama, or Dear Leader?
They describe Kim Jong Il as a “peerlessly great man” who is said to have the “organizing ability of leading millions of people” and is “the greatest of great men produced by heaven.” Similarly, Obama has been described in American media as “the agent of transformation in an age of revolution” and as “a lightworker — an attuned being.” CNN’s Jack Cafferty said, “It’s almost as though our president was born to do exactly what he’s doing.” Songs are written throughout North Korea to proclaim Kim Jong Il’s greatness, but there are also songs written to praise Obama, such as “Yes We Can” by will.i.am and “Personal Jesus” by Depeche Mode. Throughout North Korea, there are paintings of Kim so all can admire his poofy hair and leadership, and here in America there are posters of Obama and many paintings of him (often with him naked and riding a unicorn) so we can see his smile and be assured that everything will be alright. Furthermore, it appears that Kim has supernatural powers, as it is said that when he was born “frost exploded with the sound of firecrackers” and “lakes thawed with such a noise that it caused mountains to shake.” Not to be outdone, Obama said that when he was elected would be “when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal.”
So both Barack Obama and Kim Jong Il are greatly admired by their people and are possibly magical demigods who exist for no other purpose but to lead us, but who is the better of the two?
It is a tough choice.