This exercise in political correctness is hilarious. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Category Archives: Humor
The Seven Types Of Employees
…that you meet at Best Buy. Well, we don’t have Circuit City to kick around any more…
Virgin-Americans, United
The Democrats have really awakened a sleeping giant (so to speak) with the energy bill:
In order to secure the votes of wavering Democrats, House leaders Nancy Pelosi and Henry Waxman inserted several last minute amendments to the legislation, including provisions for national oxygen rationing, witch burnings, dousings, and phrenology research. But the one that has seemingly stoked a grassroots backlash is the controversial Sexually Inexperienced Citizen Environmental Volunteer Amendment. The wording of the amendment calls for all American virgins over the age of 21 to register with the Selective Sacrifice Board, for possible use as victims in nationally televised vivisections intended to “supplicate the Earth-Spirits.”
Reaction, in some quarters, was swift and harsh. Robert ‘Shadowfyre’ Jardocki of the Wizard and Warlocks Guild called it “an affront to all Virtual America, from Second Life to World of Warcraft,” and vowed his group would cast the “most powerful lobbying spell the country has ever seen.” Denise ‘Lady Gwynnethynn’ Kelly of the American Society of Renaissance Faire Royalty decried it as “a unconstitutional attack on our members and their ladies in-waiting.” The National Association of Space Fantasists made an impassioned “call to light sabers,” while the Brotherhood of Sports Bar Regulars vowed a “million replica jersey march” on Washington to stop its passage. Other groups uniting to oppose the bill include MENSA, the Society for the Identification of Motion Picture Continuity Problems, and the American Association of Anonymous Comment Thread Trolls.
“Congress and the Administration really stirred up a hornet’s nest of virgins with this bill,” said longtime Washington-watcher Michael Barone. “The response really caught them flat-footed. I don’t think they realized just how adept the virgin community is at computers, and how much time they have between ComiCons or SpaceCons or whatever-cons. Instead of calling into sports radio shows, now they’re calling the capitol switchboard.”
Who knows how many other easter eggs like this are in the bill? No one knows, because we’re not allowed to read it.
Back To The Stone Age
A thirteen-year-old boy goes retro:
My friends couldn’t imagine their parents using this monstrous box, but there was interest in what the thing was and how it worked.
In some classes in school they let me listen to music and one teacher recognised it and got nostalgic.
It took me three days to figure out that there was another side to the tape. That was not the only naive mistake that I made; I mistook the metal/normal switch on the Walkman for a genre-specific equaliser, but later I discovered that it was in fact used to switch between two different types of cassette.
Another notable feature that the iPod has and the Walkman doesn’t is “shuffle”, where the player selects random tracks to play. Its a function that, on the face of it, the Walkman lacks. But I managed to create an impromptu shuffle feature simply by holding down “rewind” and releasing it randomly – effective, if a little laboured.
I told my dad about my clever idea. His words of warning brought home the difference between the portable music players of today, which don’t have moving parts, and the mechanical playback of old. In his words, “Walkmans eat tapes”. So my clumsy clicking could have ended up ruining my favourite tape, leaving me music-less for the rest of the day.
How did we survive?
A Victim Of Obama’s Heavy Hand
The widow of the assassinated fly is suing the president:
“Bob was a wonderful husband and provider,” said the widow, Mrs. Vivian Vvzzvzwwzzz, wiping tears from her compound eyes. “Even though he was always busy at the Rose Garden turd pile, he always flew home in time to tuck in our maggots.”
The 17-day old widow said the grieving process since the murder has taken its toll.
“Although it’s been nearly 48 hours, I still get an empty feeling in my thorax everytime I think about it,” she said. “I feel like I’ve aged an entire week. Mating season is over, and here I am, stuck trying to raise 532 larvae on my own.”
Let’s just hope that the president doesn’t try to intimidate any witnesses this time.
Fish. Barrel.
A blog about interns in DC:
(Talking about the recent pirate troubles off the coast of Africa)
Intern #1 So do these pirates look like pirates?
Intern #2: What do you mean?
Intern #1: Well, what do they look like?
Intern #2: They’re people with normal clothes . . .and guns.
Intern #1 So they’re not like real pirates?
Intern #2: ?
Intern #1: When I think of pirates I think of Pirates of Caribbean. Do they look like that?
Intern #2: Pirates back then dressed like that because that was the clothes of the day. Pirates today dress in today’s clothes.
Intern #1: Well they should at least still have eye patches.
And then there’s this:
Four interns sit down in my section and order four Bud Lights.
Me: I’m sorry, fellas, we don’t have Bud Light. We have PBR on draft, though.
Intern #1: (sighs) Fine, four of those.
Me: No problem. I just need to see your ID’s.
Intern #2: You don’t need to see our ID’s. We work for Congressman _______ from ________. (Flashes his red badge)
Me: Sorry, dude, but unless the Distinguished Gentleman from _______ is willing to use his oversight authority to make the $10,000 fine that we’d get slapped with for serving you without ID’s go away, and give me a paying job when I get fired anyway, I’m still going to have to see them.
Intern #1: Wow, “oversight authority.” That’s more knowledge than I’d expect from someone with your job.
Me: And that’s about as much ignorance as I’d expect from someone who agreed to lick envelopes for free.
Every customer within earshot starts laughing. The interns pitch a royal fit, call my manager over, and get kicked out anyway. The best part? Not only did I get a $20 bonus from my manager for doing my job right, all of my other customers tipped me at least double.
Thanks for buying me a the new iPhone, boys. Y’all come back anytime.
[Via Jonah]
Another Unprovoked Interplanetary Attack
This is like Pearl Harbor all over again:
It is set to impact in the lower-right section of the moon’s near side (see image). Coming in at a very shallow angle – nearly parallel to the ground – the probe has a high chance of skipping across the surface, like a stone across a pond.
It’s all right, though, I’m sure that another presidential apology will be forthcoming directly.
A Warning To Republican Conservatives
Beware of extremists! And principles:
The moderate is the lifeblood of any viable political party. There is no winning without attracting their capricious support. The moderate, though, is a delicate flower that must be cultivated carefully. Its one goal in life is to appear reasonable, but there is no reasonableness that accompanies the adamant demands of conservatives. The conservatives keep asking that the Republican Party abide by its own ideals, but nothing — nothing — scares away moderates like steadfast principles.
Luckily, the Republicans have a friend like Colin Powell to prevent the destructive influence of conservatives and their beliefs. Powell is the ultimate moderate. When his party nominated a squishy moderate for president last year that the base had to hold its nose to vote for, he still voted for the other party. Now that is a moderate we can all learn from. He knows exactly what the American people want: two parties virtually indistinguishable from each other. That way if people ever begin to dislike one party, they can just vote for the other as a protest without having to worry about it differing from their values.
Eventually, people are going to dislike the Democrats — maybe thinking they’re going too far on spending (or not far enough) — and then Powell’s Republican Party will be waiting there as a completely innocuous alternative.
Conservatives could not see this simple wisdom, though. Rush Limbaugh (or “Fatty Fat Fat Stupid Druggy Fat Fat,” as I like to call him) had to pick a fight with Powell. His firm stances on issues scare away moderates like light startles cockroaches (cockroaches who often vote, mind you). All Rush did was point out the differences conservatives have with Powell — like how he supported Obama, is pro-choice, and is for bigger government. If Rush (who is fat and does drugs) had any actual concern for the party, he’d focus on what Powell and conservatives have in common like … uh … um … how they both don’t wear pants on their heads. Can’t we build a party around commonalities like that?
I think that Ross Perot tried it. Except toward the end, he was almost to the point of wearing his pants on his head.
For You Kollecters Of Kitsch
Behold: the Hummel Space Telescope.
The New Funemployed
Iowahawk does investigative journalism as only he can:
Melissa Browning, 34, is another funemployed L.A. single who has found new meaning in prostitution. After losing her job as a program coordinator for a non-profit Feng Shui education group in late March, Browning decided to go on a three-week interstate highway trek through the truckstops of central Arkansas with two friends, earning up to $30 per night while sleeping in tent-like yurts.
“I used to be so absorbed in the details of work, but prostitution has allowed me to come out of my shell,” Browning said. “Now it’s just so much easier for me approach new people, in idling semis, at 2 am. It’s just gives you such a positive pro-active outlook. I guess that’s why it’s called pro-stitution.”
Joining the world’s oldest profession has also given Browning the chance to reflect and contemplate. “Do we work to live or do we live to work? Do I have life goals that are not work goals?” asks Browning. “I guess what I’d really like to know is, who bogarted my meth?”
Both Martinez and Browning discovered that they like themselves better when they’re being consumed by hunger rather than their jobs.
“This is the best version of me,” Martinez said, adding that despite a distended belly and massive hair and tooth loss, she feels “completely healthy,” relaxed and focused.
“I used to talk a lot about living a ‘greener lifestyle,’ and now I’m finally doing it,” she said. “I’ve given up my car and I’m spending almost all of my time outdoors, surrounded by the beauty and insects of nature. And when I haven’t eaten in 4 or 5 days, I can look up into the sun and see angels. It’s very spiritual.”…
…After losing his job as ObamaSticker.com’s director of halo design, Smalley said he purchased a laptop and began gambling his 401k on internet poker from his parent’s couch, “which my dad doesn’t understand.”
“Everytime I lose a hand, my dad looks at me nervously and asks how much money I have left, or if I’m planning to eat him,” said Smalley. “I mean, come on, it’ll be at least 4 or 5 weeks before I get that desperate.”
And of course, they should be grateful to The One for their new opportunities:
“Recession is a great opportuning for people to get outside, enjoy a sunny park bench, and have fun,” said Robert Lester, a professor at UCLA’s Anderson School of Business. “And President Obama is making that kind of fun possible for more and more people every day.”…
…For many younger people, Dwight said, work is less central to their lives. According to her surveys, more and more young people are saying they are willing to trade off a high pay, high pressure job for one with flexible schedules and a lot of vacation time. “The new Admistration has been very responsive to that — just look at all the millions of new jobs with zero salaries and 52 week vacations,” said Dwight, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Colorado.
Happy days are here again.