MOVABLE TYPE : TEMPLATE

October 29, 2008
What Does Barack Obama Have Against Nazis?

In the furor (well, at least as much furor as could be expected, given how in the tank the mainstream media has been for Senator Obama) over his comments about the deficiencies of the Constitution (in regard for its lack of "positive rights") and the frustrating (at least to him) inability of the courts to deal with it, many have missed another snippet of that radio interview from seven years ago. In it, he also said, "There's a lot of change going on outside of the court. The judges have to essentially take judicial notice up, I mean you've got WW II, the doctrines of Nazism that we are fighting against that started looking uncomfortably similar to what's going on back here at home."

"...similar to what's going on back here at home."

What did he mean by that?

Well, most people know the characteristics of the Nazi regime (or at least imagine they do), so it's hard to imagine what he's talking about here, since he gives no specifics.

Was he referring to the fact that it was led by a charismatic man who gave speeches to mesmerized, adoring throngs in front of Teutonic war memorials?

Or is he talking about the Nazi policy of first registering, then confiscating weapons from private citizens, one of its first acts upon taking power?

Perhaps he was referring to the notion that work exhorted by the leader would set us free? That we need to have national service for all? And that the nation will be inspired by youth singing in patriotic uniforms?

Or was it demanding to see the papers of critics of the leader, and using the state apparatus to discover information that might expose him to ridicule?

No?

Well, was it the nationalistic racism? Or the plans to exterminate a large percentage of the citizenry after taking power?

OK, maybe I'm on the wrong track. Was he talking about the Nazi health care system, that so many here want to emulate? Or the need to spread the wealth around? I mean, isn't that what socialism is all about?

I just can't figure it out.

OK, maybe I'm just confused. Maybe this latest slur against Senator Obama of being a "socialist" is wrong. Maybe Senator Obama is something else.

Take away the genocide, and militaristic conquest of neighboring countries. Just what is it about Nazis that Barack Obama doesn't like?

It would certainly be nice if the Obama campaign would expand and elaborate upon his brief comments about Nazism in America a few years ago to the American people. He has another few days to do so before they have to decide who their next president will be.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:03 AM

October 26, 2008
Solidarity

I am Bill.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:43 PM

October 21, 2008
Tanned, Rested And Ready

Iowahawk says that Barack Obama is totally ready for his foreign-policy challenge:

"Mark my words," Biden promised at the Seattle fundraiser Sunday. "There will be an international crisis. The world will be looking. They'll say, hey, here is this handsome, clean, ar-ti-cu-late young president, not unlike a very, very tanned John Fitzgerald Kennedy, dancing at his inaugural ball with his beautiful wife who is not unlike a very very very extremely tanned Jackie. And our enemies will think, 'ba ha ha, look at how thees seely new Amerikanski preseedent dances so! Such skeels can only be from many years in zee dancing school, where theys do not teaching the toughness! Launch zee meesiles!' But these enemies are in for a big surprise. America's foes must never confuse Barack Obama's terrific dance floor moves with weakness -- because as an Afro-American African, Barack is a natural dancer."

..."Ching chow pow!" added Biden, demonstrating his point with several pantomime karate chops. He also issued a pointed warning to the government of Spain.

"Let me be blunt: if you think we will sit idly by while you land your mighty galleons at Boca Raton, and unleash your gleaming-helmeted conqustadores to enslave and convert our whiny retired Jewish-Florida-Americans - well, think again, Cortes. Hey mang, say helloo to my leetle fren'!" said Biden, spraying the room with pantomime machine gun fire.

As a current resident of Rat Mouth of Jewish ancestry, I'll be ever confident with him holding the nucular football.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:56 PM

October 18, 2008
False Claims By Defeated Slaves Undermine Their Campaign

71 BC*

ROME (Routers) Diligent investigative reporters were shocked to learn today that many, indeed most of the captured slaves in yesterday's battle in Lucania who proclaimed "I am Spartacus" were actually misleading military authorities, and not the famous rebel leader at all.

One of the investigators, Probius Ani, lead chiseler at the Tempora Romae, shared the details. "We looked into their backgrounds, and while they were all slaves at one time or another, few of them had formal gladiator training, nor did they universally use the Thracian style of combat for which he was well known."

After the defeat, when authorities demanded to know which of the defeated was the leader, at first one of them jumped up and declared himself Spartacus**. But the situation quickly grew confused as another, and then another, and then dozens and hundreds of the defeated curs shouted out the same claim. Legitimate demands of proof of identity, gladiators' licenses, and tax and divorce records from them were met with a sullen resistance, making it impossible to tell which to properly punish.

"These slaves have no credibility," noted a proconsul on the scene. "Why should we grant any respect to a campaign based on false pretenses? Why should we not just spread their wealth around, and crucify them all?"

Given their duplicity against the news media and other legitimate authorities, it is increasingly difficult to argue otherwise.

[Hat tip to Mark Hemingway]

*Yes, before you comment to correct me, I know they didn't really have datelines dated BC)
**Yes, before you comment to correct me, I know it was only a movie.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:08 PM

The Crucial Scrappleface Endorsement

Scott Ott comes out for Barack Obama. I completely concur.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:52 AM

October 15, 2008
A Vote For Civility

Winning over the undecideds:

Think about it. With Barack Obama in office, assholes like us will fade into a distant unpleasant memory. Don't get us wrong, we'll still be hanging around, probably as junior staffers in some federal arts agency. But you have our word on it -- we'll be practically invisible. No more C-word t shirts, no more intersection blockades, no more vandalism until the next election cycle. Nosirree, we'll be timid and well-behaved and quiet as church mice, working away on grant proposals. We think you will also be pleased to know that under Obama, negative news stories and the steady flow of shitty anti-American war movies will virtually disappear overnight.

We know what you're thinking -- "that sounds awesome, but what about the angry right wingers? Won't they suddenly start storming congressional hearings and vandalizing military recruiting stations? Won't they start producing Obama assassination fantasy plays at the local college?" Don't worry, as members of the incoming Administration, we will identify any potential troublemakers and prosecute them to the full extent of President Obama's new civility laws. And with the re-establishment of the Fairness Doctrine, you won't have to worry about accidentally tuning into right wing hate radio.

I can't wait.

Plus, true Grit.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:04 AM

October 12, 2008
The Hate And Rage From The McCain Campaign

...continues:

John McCain's bid for the Oval Office suffered another stunning blow yesterday when the Arizona senator referred to Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States, as "my opponent." The campaign-shattering remark came during a vicious, Hitlerian speech before an audience of drooling right-wing drones in one of those states in the middle, possibly rectangular.

"I believe that we should do things one way," McSame sneered, his shrunken, twisted body and hideous visage producing overwhelming revulsion in all sane people who beheld him. "But my opponent feels we should do things a different way."

Yes, Treacher's ahead of the curve. My hat is off to him, because these people continue to get ever harder to satirize.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:37 PM

October 05, 2008
Dear Leader

There's a new Obama music video up.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:10 PM

October 04, 2008
The Chinese Space Program Has Come A Long Way

Heh.

[From Bruce Webster, via email]

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:56 AM

October 02, 2008
Sarah Biden's Gaffes

McCain should have dropped this idiot from the ticket weeks ago.

By the way, sorry for the light live blogging of the workshop, but I had some side meetings this afternoon. More in the morning.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:04 PM

September 24, 2008
Getting To The Real Bailout Issues

Iowahawk has an interview with some of the key players.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:12 PM

September 11, 2008
Pigs

Pork maven Iowahawk has some fun facts. Be sure to follow the links.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:35 AM

September 04, 2008
A Roundup Of Palin Reax

From Iowahawk.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:03 PM

August 30, 2008
The Idiossey

Iowahawk has dredged up a previously unfound work of Homer:

Speak to me, O Muse, of this resourceful man
who strides so boldly upon the golden shrine at Invescos,
Between Ionic plywood columns, to the kleig light altar.
Fair Obamacles, favored of the gods, ascends to Olympus
Amidst lusty tributes and the strumming lyres of Media;
Their mounted skyboxes echo with the singing of his name
While Olbermos and Mattheus in their greasy togas wrassle
For first honor of basking in their hero's reflected glory.
Who is this man, so bronzed in countenance,
So skilled of TelePropter, clean and articulate
whose ears like a stately urn's protrude?
So now, daughter of Zeus, tell us his story.
And just the Cliff Notes if you don't mind,
We don't have all day.

Read all.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:50 AM

August 23, 2008
Persuasion

Iowahawk has an in-depth report on the Obama campaign's new winning tactics.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:12 AM

July 30, 2008
Speaking Of General Zod

At least one will be saved from the coming carbon apocalypse:

Al Gore--or, as he is known in his own language, Gore-Al--placed his son, Kal-Al, gently in the one-passenger rocket ship, his brow furrowed by the great weight he carried in preserving the sole survivor of humanity's hubristic folly.

"There is nothing left now but to ensure that my infant son does not meet the same fate as the rest of my doomed race," Gore said. "I will send him to a new planet, where he will, I hope, be raised by simple but kindly country folk and grow up to be a hero and protector to his adopted home."

Hope the poles aren't so warm there that he can't build an arctic fortress of pomposity.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:17 PM

July 25, 2008
He Brought Light Unto The World

Gerard Baker finally sees the light himself:

As word spread throughout the land about the Child's wondrous works, peoples from all over flocked to hear him; Hittites and Abbasids; Obamacons and McCainiacs; Cameroonians and Blairites.

And they told of strange and wondrous things that greeted the news of the Child's journey. Around the world, global temperatures began to decline, and the ocean levels fell and the great warming was over.

The Great Prophet Algore of Nobel and Oscar, who many had believed was the anointed one, smiled and told his followers that the Child was the one generations had been waiting for.

And the polar bears rejoiced.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:39 AM

July 17, 2008
Change!

Who said he wasn't funny? Here are a bunch of Obama light-bulb jokes.

[Update a while later]

And now, knock-knock jokes.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:32 AM

July 11, 2008
Al Qality

Iowahawk has gotten a hold of the latest hirabi recruitment brochure:

As you have possibly heard by now, Team Satan and their subsidiary Iraqi Security Forces have made several key market acquisitions in the last few months. In order to meet Q3 Return-on-Mayhem targets and maximize stakeholder value, we need to refocus our client-facing resource model. As we are currently seeking a 17th round of venture funding, budgets are extremely tight, and this will require reducing our internal work team payroll load through adaptive right-sizing on a go-forward basis. Accounting estimates indicate that much of this will be achieved via natural attrition and Apache Hellfire missiles. Still, in order to achieve costing targets, we will need to engage in involuntary outboarding.

The Communications department will be most directly effected by this initiative, as we continue transitioning of our day-to-day public relations efforts to low-cost offshore service providers like Huffington Post, DailyKos, and Democratic Underground.

Hey, you get what you pay for.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:01 PM

July 08, 2008
Clarification

Iowahawk has found a draft of an Obama speech explaining the refinement of his positions:

Let me be crystal clear: if elected president, my first act will be to call for the immediate withdrawal of all American troops from Iraq. I have always been consistent and forthright in this position, and I want to reassure my supporters that my recent statement backtracking from it was just some bullshit my staff came up with to tack to the center for the general election. To win this election, it will be critical to appeal to the dwindling but stubborn group of idiots who cling to fantasies of American "victory" in this tragic disaster. It's an unfortunate part of the complicated game of presidential politics, but let's face it: I can't stop this war if I'm not in the White House. However, you should know by now that whatever I may say from now until November, once elected I will immediately pull the rug from these gullible pro-war rubes.

Or will I? As is obvious to all but the most deluded HuffPo retard, the surge in Iraq has produced dramatic improvements in security throughout Iraq, and the roots of a stable pro-American democracy. We have the terrorists on the run, and it would obviously be crazy for us to pull our troops from the region just as we are on the verge of victory. And it is equally obvious that everything I said in the previous paragraph was designed to placate the naive hipster moonbats I brilliantly exploited to destroy the Clintons. (You're welcome.) Now that the nomination is in the bag, I am finally free to stake out my genuine pro-victory Iraq position, and have a good laugh while the dKos morons screech like a bunch of apoplectic howler monkeys. Let's face it: at the rate I'm heading right on national security, I'll be raining nukes on Tehran by February.

Well, that should settle the issue.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:15 AM

July 07, 2008
The Problem With A Story Like This

...is that too many people will think that it's true.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:41 AM

June 26, 2008
Comparing People To Hitler

It's just one of those things that white people like to do. This part is a little off, though:

It's also critical that you avoid the fatal mistake of getting creative and comparing people you don't like to other evil dictators, such as Joseph Stalin or Fidel Castro. With few exceptions, white people are actually fond of almost any dictator not named Hitler, and your remark that "this is just like something Mao Zedong would do" will be met with blank stares and possible social alienation. This is because, with the exception of Hitler, oppressive dictators share a passion for many of the things white people love- such as universal health care, conspiracy theories, caring about poor people while being filthy rich, and cool hats. Stick to the script and compare things you don't like to Hitler, and Hitler alone.

While it's good advice, actually, being the National Socialist Party, the Nazis did in fact have universal health care. Well, for the people they didn't exterminate, anyway. But that was true for Stalin, Castro and Mao as well. I think that the problem here is that the white people who like to do this don't really understand how much else Hitler had in common with their other socialist dictator heroes.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:56 PM

June 19, 2008
The Obama-Pooh Collection

Hilarious.

Or it would be, if there weren't a significant possibility of this guy actually getting into power.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:40 AM

June 03, 2008
The Next Star Chamber Defendant

Iowahawk has dug up an old Canadian radio program that is sure to be banned in the Great White North. Warman, of the Mounted:

From the Maritimes to the Yukon, the Great White North was once a lawless land where cruel and offensive opinions roamed free - until one man stood up and brought them to justice. One mighty masked man, clad in the scarlet breechcoat of the Royal Canadian Mounted Human Rights Police, astride a golden disabled lesbian steed, with his faithful transgender Indian scout at his side. Together they rode from Yellowknife to St. John's, keeping Canadians safe from the spectre of multicultural insensitivity.

The Canadian Broadcast Corporation invites you to return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear as we tell the tales of that legendary singing Human Rights Mountie. It's time for excitement - it's time for lawsuits - It's time for... Warman of the Mounted!

It's a particularly exciting episode. I expect we'll see him in the HRC docket presently.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:24 AM

June 02, 2008
Breakfast Cereals and Garrison Keillor

Don't miss today's Bleat, over at Lileks place. He has a proper fisking of his fellow Minnesotan scribe.

[Late morning update]

As Jay Manifold points out, the permalink is wrong--it's pointing to Friday's Bleat. For now, until it's fixed, just go to today's Bleat.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:42 AM

May 24, 2008
More Relationship Advice

It's round two of Ask Barry!, over at Iowahawk's place.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:48 AM

May 17, 2008
"Growing" In Office

Iowahawk has a trip through time for one Republican Congressman. Too bad it isn't only one.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:18 PM

May 14, 2008
Time To Give It Up

So sayeth Hillary:

Frankly, there's just no way around the stark mathematics of the situation: Inconvenience(Me) = 1.0 * Accident(You). It is an inescapable statistical fact, as proven over and over again by my loyal team of Karma accountants -- including Sid Blumenthal, Howard Wolfson, and Harold Ickes. Contrary to what some people say, my boys did not learn untraceable poisoning techniques from the Russians. In fact, it was the other way around. And let's face it: even if Senator Obama receives prompt medical attention for his eventual post-nomination accident, voters in the general election will be repulsed by his grotesque and permanent Dioxin scarring. Once again, Hillary Time.

So today Senator Obama faces a clear choice: (a) stay in the campaign through the convention, wasting millions of dollars on primary advertising and expensive food tasters, or (b) withdraw immediately and graciously transfer his war chest to the only remaining Democratic candidate capable of appealing to hard-working white voters, such as Hillary Rodham Clinton. Same outcome either way, with the possible exception of body count.

I don't know how Burge finds these scoops.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:49 AM

May 07, 2008
Still Singing To The Horse

Hillary is going to stay in all the way to the convention--why should she quit? That horse might still learn to sing, or there could be more bad news for Obama. And here's one of the more unsavory reasons that she stays in:

"I can't stand him," the man said. "He's a Muslim. He's not even pro-American as far as I'm concerned."

Such feelings leave Clinton and the Democratic Party in a tough spot. With the largest number of remaining delegates nowbeing party insiders, they have to decide if Obama can overcome enough of that antipathy - essentially deciding if enough working-class whites will back away from the black candidate, whether because of the false Muslim rumors, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright flap or old-fashioned racism.

I think, though, that this is delusional:

A top Democratic source with insight into Bill's and Hillary's states of mind says the Clintons are convinced that a Democratic presidency is all but certain no matter how messy the fight for the nomination.

In that scenario - which the Obama side and some Democratic elders worry is wishful thinking at best, delusional at worst - there's no downside for Hillary doing whatever it takes for as long as it takes.

How does anyone know what "the Clintons are convinced" of? On what basis? Because they say so? I'd say that if you want to know what the Clintons are really thinking, the least reliable method is to take them at their word. This "top Democratic source" makes the mistake of thinking that the Clintons care about the fate of the Democrat Party, despite their devastation of it in the nineties. He (or she) is the one who is being delusional, but about the Clintons, not the Clintons about the party's chances in November.

In fact, as I've said before, I assume that if she doesn't get the nomination, she'll do what she has to in order to ensure Obama's defeat. She doesn't want to have to run against a Democrat incumbent in 2012. So they're right that there's no down side for her to stay in. They're just confused about the reason.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:31 AM

May 06, 2008
Movie Review Time

Over at Lileks' place:

Their logo looks like a deformed octopus. We get the picture, though. It's the Klan. This was still a touchy thing in '36; this must have irritated the people who thought the film ignored all the good things the Klan did, like community outreach and neighborhood suppers and the occasional potluck where a fella could get together with like-minded Americans and talk freely about the Catholics.

Gee, to what or whom could he possibly be referring?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:03 AM

May 01, 2008
State Department Issues New Language Guidelines

December 15th, 1941

WASHINGTON (Routers) In an effort to drive a wedge between moderate Germans and those more extreme, the State Department issued new rules today, stipulating that the word "Nazi" was not to be used by department employees to describe the enemy. Germany recently declared war on our country, as part of its alliance with Imperial Japan, which itself attacked us at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii a little over a week ago, and with which we are now at war.

"Nazism has a great many admirable features," said a department spokesman at Foggy Bottom, "and we want to make clear that despite the fact that the Nazi Party rules Germany, we have no quarrel with the vast majority of Nazis with peaceful intent."

She went on to describe the National Socialist universal health care plan, its youth programs that inculcate loyalty to the government, its strict and necessary control over unbridled private industry, its wage and price controls, its strict separation of church and state, its progressive views on food purity and safety, and other beneficial features of the fascist system.

"Many of the Nazi programs have their counterparts here in President Roosevelt's own New Deal, such as the NRA, the CCC, our price monitoring boards, and so on. In fact, many of the ideas of National Socialism were first developed in our own progressive country, and we in turn might want to consider examining their policies for more ways to improve our own."

She went on, "...if we call Hitler and his staff, who lack moral legitimacy, 'Nazis,' we may unintentionally legitimize their rule, and end up offending many of the peaceful National Socialist Germans with whom we can develop a productive relationship after the defeat of the extremist Hitler regime. We don't want to tar all Nazis with the racism and war mongering of the more fanatical members of the party."

"We are concerned that use of the term "Nazi" to refer to the murderous extremists may glamorize their racism, give them undeserved moral authority with the German people, and undermine our ultimate war strategy of winning their hearts and minds. We want them to understand that we recognize Nazism as an ideology of peace, and welfare for the common good and betterment of all Germans. Not to mention their understandable desire for lebensraum."

When asked what term employees were to use to refer to the enemy, she replied, "We haven't quite worked that out yet. We're considering 'the Hitler gang' for now."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:26 PM

April 30, 2008
Is There Anything He Can't Do?

Advice for the lovelorn, from Senator Barack Obama. Well, who would know better than him?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:27 AM

April 21, 2008
End Zoophobia

The Great White North, where boys will be boys, and the sheep are nervous.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:33 AM

April 18, 2008
A Modest Proposal

Jules Crittenden says let the left have their draft.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:04 PM

April 16, 2008
Missing Rush Limbaugh

Robert Ferrigno imagines a future both frightening and amusing, in which Bill Clinton pines for the past. The only part that doesn't ring true is Bill and Hillary divorcing. If they divorced, they could be compelled to testify against each other, and neither of them would want to give up spousal immunity.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:53 AM

April 13, 2008
More Obamarama

OK, Friday night's post was getting way too long with all the updates, but Obama's latest faux pas (i.e., letting slip how he really feels about the rubes) is the gift that just keeps giving. Ace has a plea for help from the hinterlands ("Halp Us Brak, We Are Stuk In Small Town"), and a link to the latest non-apology apology: "I'm sorry you're too stupid to understand what I meant."

And Iowahawk has managed to milk it for another golden oldie: "The Heart of Redness."

I should note that much of the media and the Democrats remain clueless as to why this was so offensive. First of all, few people, even bitter people, like being told that they're "bitter," though of course there are exceptions (no surprise that it's a Democrat). They especially don't like it when they don't feel bitter at all, as is the case for most people, even most Reagan Democrats (which comprise many of the people who he was insulting). Of course, even if Keystone State Democrats are bitter, that's not going to help him in the fall with the vast majority of Pennsylvanians who are not.

But beyond that, as I mentioned in comments yesterday:

He conflated being anti-trade, pro-gun, religious, and bigoted. Now that implies that these things are all similar in some way. They are either good traits, or bad traits, but the implication (and what it is clear that Obama, and much of the Democrat elite believe, based not just on this one foot-in-mouth incident, but many over the years) is that these are bad things. Now I happen to believe that bigotry and opposition to trade are wrong, but I don't think that there's anything wrong with gun ownership (and use) or being religious.

But now we know what the Democrats think of ordinary people in this country. The notion that these double-plus ungood thoughts are caused by economic deprivation are entirely beside the point. It was the bigotry of the elitist Democrats on display, and it wasn't pretty. Now as it happens, Hillary believes this, too, but at least she's savvy enough to lie about it, so she'll be able to take big-time advantage of it.

Commenter "Bob"'s amusing response to this was:

Obama never said or even implied that being anti-trade, pro-gun, religious, and/or being bigoted is bad (although of course everyone says that being bigoted is bad). He was saying that what those four traits have in common is that the Republicans have a lock on them! Now, lets pause, because saying that Republicans or their party has a lock on bigotry is controversial and argumentative (and untrue, in my opinion), but he was speaking to a partisan crowd.

In any case, Rand, I believe you misunderstood. Obama was making an argument for why people vote Republican. He was talking about the Democrat-Republican axis, not the Good-Bad axis.

Well, this might be salient if so many Democrats didn't equate "Republican" with "bad." But there's a lot of truth to the old cliche, Republicans think that Democrats are foolish, and Democrats think that Republicans are evil. If "Bob" doesn't think that there aren't many elitist Democrats (and you can bet that that room to which Obama was speaking last Friday was chock full of them) who think that guns and gun owners are bad, and that religiosity (at least "right-wing conservative" religiosity) is "bad" (and "Republican") then he must not get out much, and hasn't been listening to very many speeches by them.

In fact, Iowahawk hilariously captured this kind of bewilderment with homo red-status and condescension in a spoof on a speech by Howard Dean a year and a half ago. Believe me, satire like this doesn't work without an underlying truth. And it works brilliantly.

[Update a couple minutes later]

Barack Obama, you're no Ronald Reagan.

I'm most of the way through Jonah's book, and it really is an eye opener. While I was somewhat aware of the history that he describes, he ties things together in a very compelling way, and it's quite clear that we have had a number of fascist presidents, going back to the prototype, Woodrow Wilson, who inspired both Mussolini and Hitler, and many of whose staff ended up in the Roosevelt administration. Interestingly, the president who was one of the least fascist of the twentieth century was probably the one at whom that epithet was hurled the most by the mindless left (at least until George W. Bush came along)--Ronald Reagan. I remember as a kid visiting California, back in 1967, and seeing bumper stickers out there saying "Hitler Is Alive And Living In Sacramento."

But as JPod points out, it is the Obamites who are creating the personality cult, and it is Michelle Obama who is making demands of the citizens, something that Reagan never did, and would never have done.

[Update a couple minutes]

Here's a comment from JPod's post that I think is quite insightful:

Obama said that bitter middle Americans cling to guns or religion. What that actually means is that most Americans erroneously rely on themselves or their God to provide and protect them and not the collective state. And they do so not out of bitterness, but from a foundational belief that "We the People" form a more perfect union, not "We the State" form a more perfect people.

It's not middle America that's bitter but Obama. And since he clings to the power of the state to provide and protect him and wants middle America to do so as well. That's the cynicism that Barak and Michelle Obama wants us to shed, our cynicism of the state as our protector and provider. And that's why Michelle Obama is, for the first time in a long time, proud of America, because she stands at threshold of not only scolding Obama for not putting his socks in the hamper and the butter in the cupboard, but the rest of America as well.

Indeed.

[OK, (at least) one more]

Over at Reason, Michael Young nails it:

Obama's approach betrays a very suffocating vision of the state as the be-all and end-all of political-cultural behavior. Outside the confines of the state there is no salvation, only resentment. This is nonsense, but it also partly explains why Obama is so admired among educated liberals, who still view the state as the main medium of American providence.

For those who haven't read Jonah's book, I think that I can concisely summarize his (more benign) definition of fascism as a religion of, and worship of, the state.

[Yet another update]

Obviously, satire aside, I find this an important topic. Donald Sensing gets right to the nub of it as well, and why I could never vote for Barack Obama:

Let's look at Obama's laundry list of Pennsylvanians' dysfunctions again:
bitterness
"Clinging to"
guns
religion
racism
chauvinism
anti-trade sentiment

Reading the full context of Obama's remarks, it strikes me that he believes that all of these (presumed) symptoms spring from the fact that there is too little control of the economy by the federal government. Obama said that all of these dysfunctions began when the government let their jobs go away and then, through both Republican and Democrat administrations, did nothing to "regenerate" them.

It is the lack of regulation of the economy, Obama believes, that makes people bitter, racist, religious, hunters, patriotic or protectionist. All these things are bad, and they all result from free-market, democratic capitalism. I know that many of you reading this will think I'm over-reaching here, but I stand my ground: Obama's remarks are in fact as clear a declaration of cleaving to socialism as almost anything he could have said.

...what I find especially disturbing in Obama's remarks, that I have not seen in Mrs. Clinton's ever, is the ideal of the "perfectibility of man." This is the hoariest socialist doctrine of all, explicit in Marxism and later, Marxism-Leninism. This is an idea so utterly vacuous and foolish that not even the Euro socialist governments cleave to it, if they ever did, except in Eastern Europe, and then only when they were communist. Clearly implicit on Obama's remarks is the idea that since racism, religion et. al., arise from the lack of government regulation, they can be expunged by more of it.

You see, we can all become virtuous if only the government controlled our lives.

Not only are Obama's remarks a clarion call to socialism, they also objectify the people he refers to. He dismissed them as free, moral agents in their own right. Gosh, it's no wonder those white people hate blacks and Hispanics, go to church and buy guns and feel angry - they can't help it. The government has let them down. But with proper government regulation, intervention, activism (oh, just pick your own name), then they won't be racists, religious, xenophobic, or own guns.

Emphasis mine. "Perfectibility of man" isn't just a Marxist concept: it's a fascist one as well.

[Early evening update]

The Obama prayer:

O Bama, who art on the campaign trail,
hallowed be thy name;
thy election come;
thy will be done,
in the US as it is in Europe.
Give us this day our daily entitlements.
And forgive us our political incorrectness,
as we forgive those bible-thumping gun-toting hicks
that trespass against us.
And lead us not into capitalism;
but deliver us from patriotism.
For thine is the STATE,
the power, and the glory,
For ever and ever (and ever).

Amen.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:59 AM

April 11, 2008
The Slow Descent Into Hell

Barack Obama showed his deft political touch today, and demonstrated his keen insight into the lives of the little people in this country, with a speech that is sure to be worth at least thirty points in Pennsylvania in the upcoming primary:

You go into these small towns in Pennsylvania and, like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing's replaced them... And it's not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.

I asked around the area, to see how his obvious compassion for Pennsylvanians was viewed. This is just one story, from one man in West Deer Township, but I'm sure that it's typical.

"By cracky, it's like the man sees into my very soul!

"Thirty years ago, I had a good job in the mill in Pittsburgh. I was bringing in a good income, going to jazz clubs, discussing Proust over white wine and brie, with my gay friends of all colors. I was all for free trade, so that we could sell the steel overseas, and I never bothered to go to church, let alone actually believe in God.

"But then, the plant closed down, and I couldn't get another job. I went on unemployment, and found odd jobs here and there, but they barely paid the rent on the loft, and the payment on the Bimmer. I couldn't afford the wine and brie any more, and had to shift over to beer and brats.

"Of course, as a result, I started hanging out with the wrong crowd--the beer drinkers.

"And it wasn't just the beer. Some of them actually went out in the woods in the fall, and shot animals. And kilt 'em. With real guns!

"I was shocked, of course. For all their diversity, none of my gay friends would have ever thought of doing anything like that. But with my job loss, and lack of money for pedicures and pommade, they didn't want to hang with me any more. So I borried a twelve gauge over'n'under, and went out with my new beer-drinking animal-killing friends in the woods. And I'll tell you what, when I shot down that eight-pointer, I felt a sense of power over the helpless in a way that I hadn't since I'd been looking down on the rednecks when I had that good job in Pittsburgh, driving around town in my 528i.

"But somehow the killing, and hating those two-timing nancy boys wasn't enough. I was still in despair. I started to search for answers, and I thought that I found them in Jesus. It started small, just church on Sunday, with prayers and a lecture from the preacher.

"But it didn't stop there. Soon I was attending Wednesday night revivals, and huzzahing and hossanahing, and babbling with the best of them. After a few months I'd graduated to juggling garter snakes, then rattlers.

"But it wasn't enough. Despite all the gun caressing, and animal killing, and hatred of people who weren't like me, and anger at the Colombians who were...doing something to me--I'm not entirely sure what, and the tongue speaking and snake handling, I still couldn't find a job.

"My social life continued to deteriorate. Not only was I no longer interested in those sensitive swishes, or literature, but I was starting to look with lust at my sister. And not just look, I'll tell you what. She'd been out of work, too, and was getting mighty interested, if you know what I mean.

"I have hit rock bottom.

"Please, help me, O Bama. Forgive me, O Bama. O Bama, my Bama, rescue me from this living hell in which Reagan, and Bush, and Clinton, and Bush, have consigned me. Restore unto me my loft and my teutonic status symbol. Give me back my poofter friends, and my pinot grigio and my baked gruyere, and lattes. Save me from the killing and the beer, and most of all, from Jesus. Save me, O my Bama, and I will commit my vote unto you.

This is just one story of the many lives that Barack Obama has touched, and blessed, this day in the benighted Keystone State. But with his obvious compassion, and ability to feel the pain of others so unlike him, he is sure to carry the state in a couple weeks.

[Late evening update]

Ace has more:

Obama To Rural Pennsylvanians: Vote For Me, You Corncob-Smokin', Banjo-Strokin' Chicken-Chokin' Cousin-Pokin' Inbred Hillbilly Racist Morons

Yeah, that's about it.

[Saturday morning update]

More from Mickey Kaus:

Excuse me? Hunting is part of working-class American culture. Does Obama really think that working-class whites in Pennsylvania were gun control liberals until their industries were downsized, whereas they all rushed to join the NRA ...

I used to think working class voters had conservative values because they were bitter about their economic circumstances--welfare and immigrants were "scapegoats," part of the false consciousness that would disappear when everyone was guaranteed a good job at good wages. Then I left college. ...

...Rather than trying to spin his way out, wouldn't it be better for Obama to forthrightly admit his identity? Let's have a national dialogue about egghead condescension!

[Mid-Saturday morning update]

This is turning out to be the Blazing Saddles election:

It's amazing how many lines from that movie work for this campaign.
The first question Obama got in Iowa

What's a dazzling urbanite like you doing in a rustic setting like this?

Explaining the Iowa caucus to newcomers

Now, I suppose you're all wondering just what in the heck you're doing out here in the middle of a prairie in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night.
Crowd: You bet your ass.

Despite setbacks, Mike Gravel stays in the race

no sidewindin bushwackin, hornswaglin, cracker croaker is gonna rouin me bishen cutter.

Obama's campaign theme

He conquered fear and he conquered hate He turned dark night into day.

Hillary rounds up her operatives

I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.

Ezra Klein hears a speech

God darnit...you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.

Obama after every press appearance

Ooh, baby, you are so talented! And they are so DUMB!

Obama explaining his post-racial appeal

Well, to tell the family secret, my grandmother was Dutch.

But Hispanics are skeptical of Obama and his supporters

Hast du gesehen in deine Leben? They're darker than us!

The party's new reaction to Hillary

Shut up, you Teutonic tw@t!

The anguish of the superdelegates

We've gotta protect our phoney baloney jobs, gentlemen!

and of course for the current situation

You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons.

[Update a couple minutes later]

Oooh, oooohhh, there's more! I found Obama's Facebook page. Note that one of his favorite books is one about an obsessive hatred of a white whale.

So, is a cigar just a cigar? I report, you decide.

[Update a few minutes later]

One more (more serious) thought. When Obama talks about "clinging to religion," is he saying that his religious belief is founded in something other than economic hardship? Or is he implying that, despite his words and church attendance for the past twenty years, that he's at heart an agnostic, if not an atheist? Was the church thing all for political show (as it was with at least Bill, if not both Clintons)? And of course, if these are his true feelings (and I suspect that one is more likely to hear what he really thinks when he perceives himself to be among a friendly audience), then it's not surprising that he could sit through twenty years of Pastor Wright bigotry and hatred and find nothing exceptional or objectionable about it. He's smart enough to know that others will find it so, so he pretends to be outraged when called on it, but he wasn't smart enough to see how his remarks in this case would be viewed by those to whom he unconsciously condescends.

I think that this could be a campaign killer in the fall. That sound bite will be shown over and over again. I just regret that it came out this soon. Unfortunately, the Democrats still have a chance to eject him before he gets the nomination. But even if they do, it will still be an electoral disaster for them. The problem is that it isn't just Obama. Most of them are just smart enough not to voice their bigotry publicly, but this is how much of the party itself views rural and middle America, and it's going to hurt them all through the fall. And justly so.

[Late morning update]

Mark Steyn has further thoughts:

I had a ton of fun covering Kerry's awkwardness with Americans but, in fairness, it was essentially a consumerist snobbery: he preferred the Newburgh Yacht Club for lunch over the local Wendy's, he'd rather be windsurfing off Nantucket than rednecking at Nascar, etc. Obama's snobbery seems more culturally profound, and unlike Kerry he can't plead the crippling disadvantage of a privileged childhood. Rather, Barack's condescension reveals a man out of touch with the rhythms of American life to a degree that's hard to fathom. As Michelle says, they "chose" to "leave corporate America", and Barack became a "community organizer" and she wound up a 350-grand-a-year "diversity outreach coordinator". I've no idea what either of those careers involve, and most of us seem able to get along without them. But their remoteness from the American mainstream perhaps explains why the Obamas seem to have no clue how Americans live their lives.

And yes, I'm a foreigner. But it takes one to know one, and this guy seems weirdly disconnected from everything except neo-segregationist Afrocentric grievance politics and upscale white liberal condescension. Not much of a coalition.

But that's the modern Democrat Party. Without the media (which is as elitist as they are) in their pocket, they'd never stand a chance.

[Early afternoon update]

Was Obama's faux pas the sound of the horse beginning to clear its throat for its aria? This kind of thing is what keeps Hillary from dropping out.

[Another update a few minutes later]

And of course, Iowahawk has to pile on, with a golden oldie about rebellious youth:

Like most of their classmates, these North Shore Neckies were once bound for some of the top universities in America -- Yale, Duke, Stanford, Northwestern -- until they succumbed to the allure of the Downhome slacker lifestyle. Now some openly talk of dropping out, learning TIG welding, waiting tables at Waffle House or draining oil at Jiffy Lube; some even hint of enrolling at Iowa State. What drives privileged teens to such seemingly self-destructive behavior?

"I guess you might could say we're rebels," says Rachel 'Tyffanie' Stern, 17, lighting a Merit Menthol 100. Once destined for Vassar, Stern is now living with friends after her parents kicked her out of the house for spending her bat mitzvah money on a bass boat. Last month she became the youngest Jewish female to win an event on the Bassmasters Pro Tour.

Pausing for furtive glances, several of the teens share sniffs from a bottle of Harmon Triple Heat deer scent.

"Wooo-eee, shit howdy, that's gonna bring a mess of them whitetail bucks," says 19-year old Wei-Li 'Lamar' Cheung. A former Westinghouse Science Award winner, Cheung has devoted his chemistry and biology skill to building a fledgling hunting supply business.

A first generation Asian-American, Cheung says he was drawn to the group by their acceptance of minorities. "Hell, I kept tellin' all my family and teachers I wanna play fiddle, not violin," he explains. "The 'Necks accept me the way I am."

African-American Kwame 'Joe Don' Harris agrees. "Just because I'm black, teachers were always pushing me to go to Spellman to study Langston Hughes and Thelonius Monk," says the 17 year old. "These ol' boys here never laugh at my dream to be a crew chief for the Craftsman Truck Series."

If there is one aspiration that unites them all, it is the dream of moving to Branson, Missouri. Long famed for its laid-back attitude toward religion, country music and the military, Branson has become a Mecca for radical young Neckies seeking an escape from the stultifying conformity of their coastal hometowns.

Only Barack can save us from this ongoing tragedy.

[Late afternoon update]

Obama is doing damage control with some of the ~~yoke~~locals. I'm sure that Miss Hathaway will be able to smooth things over, except maybe with Grannie.

[Update on Sunday evening]

I've quit updating have some follow-up thoughts on Obama, and what this means about his attitudes toward individualism, here.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:06 PM

March 22, 2008
War Critics Decry Interminable And Unwinnable Conflict

January 15th, 1945

WASHINGTON (Routers) With the "Allied" forces continuing to be bogged down in the Ardennes Forest, many are questioning Roosevelt administration war policies, the unreasonable length of the war, and even whether or not it can be won.

The 7th Army's VI Corps is waging a desperate, and perhaps futile battle with German troops, surrounded on three sides in the Alsace region. A whole month after the beginning of the renewed German offensive, with almost twenty-thousand American troops dead in this battle alone, there remains no clear end in sight, or hope that the American lines can be closed.

There are serious questions about the competence of Generals Bradley and Patton, concerns that were only heightened shortly after the beginning of the battle, when two armies from Bradley's army group were removed from his command and placed under that of the British General Montgomery. General Montgomery's comments in a press conference a week ago have served only to buttress such legitimate doubts. He didn't even mention their names in describing the limited efforts to recapture lost ground, that remains unsuccessful, with the Germans continuing to take the initiative.

Many point out that these lengthy battles, and lengthy wars, are somehow indicative of a fundamental failure of American policy, not just in waging the war, but in the very decision to enter into it.

"It's not just that we're a whole month into this battle with no clear resolution or exit strategy. In a few more months, this war will have gone on as long as the Civil War," said one Republican critic of the administration. "And that one was Americans against Americans. We should have expected to do much better against Germans. After all, this war has now gone on twice as long as World War I, when we mopped up the Kaiser in a year and a half." He went on, "It's clearly the fault of this Roosevelt administration, that lied us into war, and then botched it. I'll bet that had Tom Dewey won the election a couple months ago, he would have exercised his judgment by immediately implementing his policy of not having entered the war."

Others disagree. One administration spokesman has said on background that this seems like flawed logic.

"One can't judge war progress by a calendar. Wars aren't run on a schedule, and every one is different," he pointed out. "And neither can one judge the progress of a battle that way, or by the casualty count. Often the heaviest fighting occurs just before victory. Our heaviest losses at Normandy were just before we took the beach and the cliffs."

"Yes, the fighting is fierce in the Ardennes now, but Hitler is waging a war on two fronts, and he's down to young boys and old men as soldiers. We will simply have to outlast him, and I'm confident that we will start making serious progress into Germany in a month."

But war opponents will have none of it.

"This administration has been telling us we've been winning for two and a half years, ever since Midway," said the leader of one of the prominent anti-war groups. After over three years of killing and terror, it's time to stop the lies, and the war."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:52 PM

March 12, 2008
Apres Spitzer, The Deluge

Iowahawk is on the case. First, he talks about the damage to the brand of high-priced courtesans, and then, to commemorate, he has a new song: Love Client #9 (warning, strong content).

And just for the record, he takes a little poetic license. I won't say how I know, but what he says about Jewish girls isn't necessarily true.

I mean, hey, the Happy Hooker is Jewish...

Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:57 PM

February 27, 2008
Guess He Is The Messiah

Just call Barack Mr. Potato Head:

So when Jamie Lynn Dixon looked down at the potato she noticed that staring back at her was the visage of a man. And not just any man.

"Is it Jesus?" Earl Sr. asked.

"No," replied his son. "Better. It's Obama."

Right off, three of the waitresses up and fainted at the mere mention of Obama's name.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:07 AM

February 12, 2008
No Thynge Coold Plese Me Moore

...than a blogge by Sir Iowahawke on that ArchBisheoppe Of Canterbeerry:

25 Sayeth the pilgryms to Bishop Rowan,
26 "Father, we do not like howe thynges are goin'.

27 You know we are as Lefte as thee,

28 But of layte have beyn chaunced to see

29 From Edinburgh to London-towne

30 The Musslemans in burnoose gowne

31 Who beat theyr ownselfs with theyr knyves

32 Than goon home and beat theyr wyves

33 And slaye theyr daughtyrs in honour killlynge

34 Howe do we stoppe the bloode fromme spillynge?"

35 The Bishop sipped upon hys tea

36 And sayed, "an open mind must we

37 Keep, for know thee well the Mussel-man

38 Has hys own laws for hys own clan

39 So question not hys Muslim reason

40 And presaerve ye well social cohesion."

Reade, thee, the reste.

It cood be only the product of an undhimmified English major.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:16 PM

January 30, 2008
Another Seventies Teevee Classic

I don't know where Iowahawk finds these things. I barely remember Makaniak myself.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:26 AM

December 14, 2007
Church Massacre Spurs Calls For Effective Gun Control

December 14th, 2007

COLORADO SPRINGS (APUPI) As a mass memorial service was held today for the seventy-three victims of the massacre at the New Life Church, one of the largest such grim tolls in the nations' history, gun-control advocates pointed out the continuing folly of allowing civilians access to pistols and assault weapons.

"This never would have happened had Matthew Murray not been able to get his hands on those weapons, " said Sarah Brady, head of Handgun Control, Incorporated. "He had two handguns, an assault rifle, and a thousand rounds of ammunition. Seventy-three people are dead now, and thousands more wounded, because the NRA continues to block reasonable gun-control measures."

With Sunday's slaughter still fresh in the minds of many, she pointed out that now was the time to end such incidents once and for all, with effective laws against both handguns and assault weapons.

The toll was horrific for the church, which lost not only many parishioners, but its senior pastor, Brady Boyd. Also killed was Jeanne Assam, one of the church's security guards. She had bravely stood up and warned the gunman as he entered the building after killing two girls in the parking lot, and pointed out the "gun-free zone" sign at the church entrance. However, she herself was unarmed, per church policy, and was shot down before Murray went on to shoot numerous others behind her.

While the police are to be commended on their fast response of twelve minutes from the time someone had the presence of mind to call 911 on their cell phone, by the time they could bring in someone to take out the shooter, he had had time to kill sixty nine others, and wound another hundred and twenty one.

Some have made the controversial suggestion that the death toll might have been lower had Ms. Assam been allowed to carry a firearm herself, something which, as a former police officer, she was well trained to do. In addition, she held a permit to legally carry a concealed weapon in Colorado. But the church rules, for obvious safety reasons, didn't allow weapons on the premises.

Mrs. Brady finds such suggestions dangerous and ludicrous. "What is a woman going to do with a handgun against a man with two pistols and an assault rifle?" she asked. "Adding more weapons to the mix would only have increased the carnage. What they needed was bigger letters on the sign."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:57 AM

November 27, 2007
More Trouble For Hollywood

As is the case with their war against the war, their war against Christmas isn't going so well, either:

Despite the disappointing weekend showing, MPAA spokesman Bell said that industry still has high hopes for 17 more anti-Santa films that will open nationwide this weekend, including "The Reindeer Hunter," "Shop Loss," and Quentin Tarantino's much anticipated "Workshop of Blood."

[Hint for the humor impaired--it's Iowahawk, on a roll]

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:04 PM

November 19, 2007
Network Experts Cast Doubt on Alleged Hirohito Recording

Senate Leaders Warn: Administration May Try to Spin Victory Claim

Aug. 16th, 1945.

WASHINGTON, DC (Routers) Network experts today cast doubt on the authenticity of the enigmatic recording released by the Administration yesterday, and alleged to be a radio address by Emperor Hirohito. Some Administration figures have begun to spin the alleged recording as a "surrender" speech broadcast by Hirohito on Japanese radio, although objective experts have pointed out that, as Hirohito's voice has never been heard in public before, there is no way to guarantee that the voice was actually his, or even that it had been actually broadcast on Japanese radio.

"We have only the recording made by a military monitoring station on occupied Okinawa. Obviously the Truman Administration and the OSS could have fabricated the recording as a part of the campaign to spin the administration's war as a 'victory'," said one expert, speaking on background.

Objective experts also pointed out that the alleged speech was made in an obscure form of Japanese purported to be the "court dialect," which was scarcely intelligible to normal Japanese speakers. All of the translations have been made by linguists in government employ, another suspicious circumstance. Administration spokesmen, when questioned on this point, objected that virtually every American able to translate Japanese is currently on government payroll. When asked to comment on this statement, the expert smiled and said "That's convenient, isn't it?"

Due to the use of the alleged court dialect, translations have differed widely. The administration claims, for example, that the Emperor's words could be translated as having "accepted the Four Power Declaration." Other linguists objected, stating that the words actually translated more accurately as "have heard the Four Power Declaration," a reading that does not imply that Japan has agreed to its terms, or will cease fighting. "It's ambiguous," said one.

They also pointed out that the emperor's call for the Japanese to "endure the unendurable" could equally be interpreted as a call for the Japanese to endure yet more combat and bombing.

Anti-war leaders in the Senate were adamant in warning the American public not to fall for Administration spin. They claim that they are not going to back down from their demands for an end to the war. One Senate staffer was vehement:

"This is yet one more attempt by the administration to rally public support for a pointless, costly war that America has already lost. We have supposedly had victory in Europe for months now, yet the troops still remain, facing the dread Werewolf insurgency. Thousands of American casualties show up in the sick call every morning, incapacitated by venereal disease and alcohol poisoning from the "victory celebrations" staged by the administration. Tens of thousands of Germans are emigrating to Brazil and Argentina, deprived of their homes and livelihoods by the administration's "denazification" process," and hundreds of thousands of Jews have left Europe for America and Palestine. No matter what kind of shine the administration wants to put on this, this war will never be over until they return."

He went on: "Now our occupation of the portion of the Japanese homeland in Okinawa is driving the Japanese to fiercer resistance. Millions of Japanese troops remain undefeated on the Japanese mainland, and in the home islands themselves. It defies logic that the Emperor would surrender while these forces remain undefeated, or even tested. How many more American lives will be lost in this senseless war? The only sensible policy, which we believe the American people endorsed in the 1944 elections, is to withdraw all troops from the Atlantic and Pacific theaters immediately, release Admiral Doenitz, and his ministers from the OSS prison where they were brought through illegal rendition, along with the rightful President of France, Marshall Petain, and to bring US forces home immediately from Okinawa and other occupied Japanese territories. We should also look into what happened to the Fuerher, who may come out of hiding, wherever he is, if he realizes that we're now ready to be reasonable and end this war. Peace can be pursued by requesting that the Spanish Caudillo, General Franco, and the Emperor of Manchuria, who have an interest in regional peace, mediate with the German and Japanese governments."

"It's too bad that 600,000 American casualties were squandered by the Roosevelt and Truman administrations in their pointless war on questionable grounds, sparked by the suspect and disputed 'Pearl Harbor' incident. However, their blood is on the administration's hands. We are only trying to save further American lives by recognizing reality and rejecting false claims that 'victory' is near."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:41 AM

October 24, 2007
It's Not Global Warming

The California fires were started by those wascally Jews, and here's the proof.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:33 PM

October 19, 2007
A Pleasant Dream

The Nobel Peace Prize committee disbands.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:48 PM

October 11, 2007
That Darn Sandy

Iowahawk has dug up another teevee classic from our childhoods.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:31 AM

October 04, 2007
The Scourge Of Academia

Lee Bollinger's Disease.

Maybe we need a telethon.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:38 AM

August 23, 2007
Now This Is Just Cruel

Wooing the Bloomberg base.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:42 PM

August 03, 2007
The Bridge Collapse

You'll be as shocked as I was to learn that for once, it wasn't Bush's fault. It was Kevin Bacon's fault. But then, it's probably Kevin Bacon's fault that Bush is president...

Posted by Rand Simberg at 04:00 PM

July 06, 2007
Warning Upgrade From The UK

Iowahawk has the scoop for those on the home front: look out for people doing things:

“We ask the public to report any behaviors by various people that may or may not be of a suspicious nature,” said Lt. Clive Jameson of the Metropolitan Police Service. “We further ask the public to be especially vigilant for activities of broad stratas of people who may be from countries of some sort, especially those within the eastern and/or western hemisphere.”
The elevated alert levels come on the heels of a week when London and Glasgow narrowly escaped potential events that intelligence experts say may have been related to diverse groups of people doing things. Initially police had specifically asked the public for information relating to doctors driving automobiles, but that initial warning brought angry denunciations from the British Medical Association and the UK Automobile Association.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:27 AM

June 20, 2007
The Case Of The Missing Ratings

Inspector Dan Rather returns, and is on the case.

Transterrestrial's lawyers recommend that I warn you to put down all beverages while reading, in the interest of not being sued for keyboard and monitor replacement.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:04 PM

May 24, 2007
Assimilated

Iowahawk has another report from the strife-torn Midwest, and it's encouraging--only a minority of Lutherans are in favor of decapitating Presbyterians and other infidels:

"The only demographic cohort we saw where murderous random violence had a majority support was among 18-35 year old male followers of the Wisconsin Synod," said Kohut. "And that was barely above the margin of error. Even then, fewer than half (41% to 46%) said they would personally volunteer to carry out the violence themselves."
Further bolstering the findings, Kohut noted that fewer than 6% of respondents physically attacked field interviewers during the survey.

Although a majority 87% of respondents agreed that "The world should be brought to submission under global Lutheran conquest and eternal perfect rule," there was a great deal of disagreement on the means to accomplish it. More than 95% supported "pancake breakfasts" and "popcorn fundraisers," but support dropped to less than 80% for "cow tipping" and "T-P'ing infidel houses." Support dropped even more dramatically for more violent means of conquest, such as "suicide bombing" (28%), "decapitation" (24%), and "running over Presbyterians with my Ski-Doo" (23%).

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:37 AM

May 22, 2007
The Hokey Pokey

Lileks (among other things) summarizes the immigration bill:

6 (1) (D) Undocumented Xenonationals who have been in the country since noon March 16, 2004 (this language reflects a compromise between the hardline “AM” faction and moderates who wanted to extend the deadline to 4:57 PM) will have to report to a government office to announce they are departing. This is the HIMBG Provision, or the “Hello, I Must Be Going” provision. Immigrants will have to return to the Mexican border, put their left foot in, put their left foot out, put their left foot in and shake it all about. (Language requiring that the applicant then “do the hokey pokey was removed over an inability to define the exact nature of said action.) The immigrant is then required to return to the place where he announced he was leaving, present a notarized photograph of himself sticking a portion of his body into Mexican airspace; at that point, he will be eligible to receive a “Q” visa, which enables him to start the process towards a "Z" visa, which estabishes a legal framework towards a “path towards citizenship,” although applicants who have paid 67% of their adjusted tax burden over the last 14 years, minus inflation, will be put on a “jogging path” towards citizenship.

He also has words for Richard Schickel and his contempt of blogger critics.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:56 AM

April 28, 2007
Is That A Gun In Your Pocket?

Iowahawk has been dumpster diving again, and come up with the first draft of Dan Simpson's modest proposal:

The disarmament process would begin after the initial three-month amnesty. Then, special squads of police would be somehow formed and trained to carry out the work. Then, on a random basis to permit no advance warning, BLAMMO! city blocks and stretches of suburban and rural areas would be cordoned off and searches carried out in every business, dwelling, and empty building, bedside drawer, farm field, tree, culvert, bush, stalagtyte cave, water tower, and body cavity. The special squads would receive special training in scuba, spelunking and interrogation techniques. All firearms would be seized. The owners of weapons found in the searches would be prosecuted: $1,000 and one year in prison for each firearm. The gun owner prison should probably be put between the museum and the arsenal for efficiency, such as for guard training and so forth.
Clearly, since such sweeps could not take place all across the country at the same time. But fairly quickly there would begin to be gun-swept, gun-free areas where there should be no firearms. After the sweeps are done, the special squads would put big signs all over the swept area that said "NO GUNS HERE" in order to restore public calm. For signs, maybe the special squads could use something like the big inflatable gorilla like the one I saw atop Lakeside Subaru last week, when I was getting the oil changed on my Impreza.

But, just in case any wiseacres in the swept areas somehow figured out how to avoid seizure, anybody carrying guns would be subject to quick confiscation and prosecution. On the streets it would be a question of stop-and-search of anyone, even grandma with her walker, with the same penalties for "packing." The roaming squads of special police have a question for Grandma: do you feel lucky, you depends-wearing punk?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:09 AM

April 10, 2007
Democrats Announce New Diplomatic Policy

WASHINGTON (APUPI) In a new attempt to finally bring a rogue regime to heel, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced today that they plan to diplomatically isolate the White House.

In response to an invitation from the president to come to the White House and discuss a troop funding bill, Senator Reid rejected it, saying "We won't meet with preconditions. We hope that the road to peace lies down Pennsylvania Avenue, but we can't trust this administration, and they don't seem willing to negotiate on our obvious need to get the troops out of Iraq as soon as possible, and to lard the funding bill with things like spinach subsidies, despite the fact that we obviously couldn't have passed it in the form we wanted without them."

Speaker Pelosi agreed. "It's one thing to meet with a peace-loving world leader like Bashar al-Assad, or President Ahmadinejad," she said. "It's another to meet with a theocratic warmonger like George Bush. If we dignify his illegitimate regime with a negotiation, how will we ever build international pressure against him, and end his imperialistic ambitions?"

Upon receiving the rejection of its invitation, the White House expressed its disappointment. "We are saddened by the decision of the Congressional majority to refuse to discuss this important issue," said the White House Press Secretary. "The troops should be above politics like this."

The leadership on the Hill was having none of it, however.

"We know from long experience that we can't trust this lying government," said Senator Reid. "The next step, if this doesn't force them to recognize reality, will be economic sanctions. We'll move to cut off funds to Halliburton, open up the Strategic Petroleum Reserve to plunge oil prices, and cut off mountain bike exports to Crawford, Texas."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 04:51 PM

April 05, 2007
414Truth.Org

Finally, someone is digging into what really happened to the Titanic and (you know) who was responsible. As Jonah notes, expect Rosie to declare that ice has never harmed metal.

Oh, and here's a reminder that we still haven't gotten the truth out about 127.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:40 AM

March 20, 2007
Stop The Madness

All of this good news on the Second Amendment front made me decide to dredge up a golden oldie and republish it, since I don't have a lot of time write now for original material. Many new readers will probably be unfamiliar with it.

I often disagree with Bill O'Reilly, but I want to defend him.

A lot of smart people are bashing him on line, particularly in the blogosphere, but I think that this just proves his point. I think that he's spot on with this erudite and well-reasoned editorial. This "Internet" is just too powerful.

When the Founders wrote the First Amendment, they could never have conceived a technology that would allow anyone to publish anything at any time, at almost no cost, and have it readable by millions instantaneously.

In fact, inspired by this work, I'm working on a book, tentatively titled "Publishing America: Origins Of The Free-Speech Myth," in which my thesis is that very few people had access to printing presses in colonial times, and this notion of a long American tradition of a free press and individual freedom of expression is simply propaganda of First Amendment extremists. I've painstakingly gone over old probate inventories, and can show statistically that very few homes traditionally had means of printing and, such few as there were, they had mostly fallen into such a state of disrepair as to be useless.

Unfortunately, my pet iguana ate all of my notes, so you'll just have to take my word for it. I'm sure the print nuts will employ their usual ad hominem tactics, and call me a fraud.

Anyway, it's one thing to have free speech when the most effective means of communicating ideas is with a printing press that few can afford, and has to have the type carefully set by hand, and they have to be printed on expensive paper, and transported no faster than a horse can run, and distributed by walking door to door.

Such a laborious and expensive process as colonial-era printing ensured that potentially dangerous ideas were more thought out, and well edited, and could usually be easily traced to their author. So, given that the investment in publishing was so high, it made it much more likely that only responsible people would be publishing things, and that you wouldn't have wackos running around spewing crazy or confused, even false or misinformed notions at innocent and naive passers by.

In that environment, it made perfect sense to grant an individual right to print things (to bear presses, as it were), because there was little danger of it getting out of hand.

But surely the Founders never intended for every single citizen to be able to exercise such a right--in their wisdom, they would have known it would lead to chaos and unfettered thought. They couldn't possibly have imagined the rapid-fire distribution of dangerous ideas made possible by twenty-first-century technology. Why, some people might have even put forth the absurd notion that free speech is the right of everyone.

Had they actually anticipated the possibility that the cost of publishing could drop so dramatically, they would surely have made the First Amendment a much more explicitly collective right (like the Second), in which people would only have a right to free speech in a well-regulated state newspaper.

Let's be reasonable--of course it's fine to let people have typewriters, and copiers, as long as they don't have a paper magazine of more than a quarter-ream capacity, and can't print more than two pages per minute in high-density color. There are legitimate uses for such things--printing up book reports for school, making PTA meeting notices and party invitations, and the like. We respect the rights of those who wish to indulge in such innocuous, if pointless activities, long a part of the American cultural tradition (though it would certainly make sense to register such equipment, in case it's stolen, or lest they're used to express some untoward or scandalous thought).

Of course, we do need to outlaw the cheap Sunday-night specials, old manual machines still available in pawn shops, with sticky keys, that cause ink stains, and from which a large number of late term papers are produced by the criminal procrastinating class during the witching hours. But really, folks, chill--no one wants to take away your typewriters.

But the Founders would realize also, just as Bill O'Reilly and I do today, that no one, other than the police and politicians, needs the kind of "idea assault" publishing capability offered by word processors, blogging software, and even fifteen-page-per-minute ink-jet printers, which really have no legitimate use--they only propagate calumny and wrong-headed notions, tragically damaging innocent celebrities' egos, sometimes permanently.

This past weekend, just to demonstrate how easy it is to lay hands on such dangerous equipment, I exploited the notorious "computer show loophole," and went out to the big show in Pomona, California. There, I saw entire halls filled with purveyors of high-speed idea processors, rapid-fire printers, and even modems capable of transmitting thoughts at frightening rates, up to gigabytes per second. For only $4.99, with not so much as an ID requirement, let alone a background check, I was able to purchase an "assault keyboard," with several internet hotkeys. It was fully automatic--holding down any key would result in a torrent of characters being spit out, hundreds per minute. I even saw teenaged children buying them.

Yet, when people propose sensible regulations over this, we hear hysterical cries about "freedom of expression," and "from my cold, dead fingers." But surely the far-fringe First Amendment absolutists are misreading it--there is a hint of a shadow of an umbra of a penumbra in there, easily accessed by referencing the Second Amendment. Bearing this in mind, it is more properly read with the following implicit preface: "A well-regulated press being necessary for the security of the State and self-important talk-show hosts, Congress shall make no law...abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble..."

Clearly, viewed in the light of that implicit purpose clause, these were not intended to be individual rights, any more than they were in the Second Amendment, because obviously, the Founders wouldn't have meant one thing by the words "the right of the people" in the one case, and a different thing in the other, particularly in two adjacent amendments.

Accordingly it is equally clear that we need to implement what would obviously have been the Founders' intent had they foreseen the Internet, and immediately pass some laws to get this thing under control. Let's do it for the children.

Particularly Bill O'Reilly.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:42 AM

February 17, 2007
My Fair Blogger

Iowahawk has penned a new musical. A comedy, natch, but not one for the kids.

[Evening update]

The 'Hawk just can't leave Amanda alone. Now he has her updated resume. Not to mention a photo essay of a frigid Wisconsin road trip and a rave review (presumably with tongue firmly planted in cheek) of the new Fox News comedy show.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:24 AM

January 31, 2007
Another First Draft

Iowahawk found an early copy of David Bell's essay, before the spoilsport editors got hold of it.

So why has there been such an overreaction? Unfortunately, the commentators who detect one have generally explained it in a tired, predictably ideological way: calling the United States a uniquely paranoid aggressor that always overreacts to provocation.
In a recent book, for instance, political scientist John Mueller evaluated the threat that terrorists pose to the United States and convincingly concluded that it has been, to quote his title, "Overblown." But then he screws up his whole awesome argument by adding that the United States has overreacted to every threat in its recent history, including even Pearl Harbor. Rather than trying to defeat Japan, he argued – get this -- we should have tried containment! Can you believe that guy?? For crying out loud, almost 3000 people died in those attacks! Any country would have naturally retaliated, with all guns blazing, and…

Um, okay, bad example. But Mueller forgets the three critical differences between the experiences of Pearl Harbor and 9-11: (a) we limited our retaliation to the actual Japanese, Germans, and Italians who performed the attack; (b) we had permission from France; and (c) in Pearl Harbor, we were probably the good guys.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:36 AM

December 22, 2006
Nuts

It was sixty two years ago that General McAuliffe gave his legendary response to the German surrender demands during the Battle of the Bulge. On the sixtieth anniversary, I described how today's media would have treated the matter.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:25 AM

December 13, 2006
Kofi Talk

Iowahawk has dredged up the first draft of Kofi Annan's deranged US-bashing speech.

First, in today's world we are all responsible for each other's security. Against such threats as nuclear proliferation, climate change, global pandemics or terrorist accountants plotting UN audits from their safe havens in failed superpowers, no nation can make itself secure by seeking supremacy over others, and their private financial records. Only by working together can we hope to achieve lasting security for ourselves, and perhaps a nice comfortable villa in Switzerland. Let’s just say that “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.”
But when we look at the murder, rape and starvation still being inflicted on the people of Darfur, we realize that our teams of fun-loving security back-scratchers can sometimes be a PR headache. That’s why we must also summon the political, economic and marketing muscle to keep ahead of the news cycle. Boys will be boys, and in the grand scheme of things, do a few rambunctious UN troops really matter when all the planet’s children are under the looming threat of climate change? I mean, what's with that? Do you people hate the planet’s children or something?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:57 AM

December 06, 2006
Bipartisan Commission Hailed For New Mathematical Achievement

WASHINGTON (APUPI) The media and political pundits lauded the preliminary results of the months-long commission to determine the true ratio of the circumference to the diameter of a circle today.

"This has been a troubling national issue, since the nation's founding. Several legislatures have attempted to proclaim the value of pi, in order to simplify mathematics for our students, but the effort has always been viewed as partisan and controversial," stated the introduction to the initial report, released today.

It was a long-standing controversy, viewed by many as a policy quagmire, that has been finally almost been laid to rest by a compromise report from a panel of distinguished experts from all sides of the political spectrum. The goal was to inject some "realism" into the debate, and because the blue-ribbon commission had equal numbers of Republicans and Democrats, no one can any longer claim that the recommendations provided are partisan in any way.

"Obviously, there has been a lot of dispute over this issue over the years," said the commission leader, Lincoln Chafee. "We wanted to ensure that we could generate a report and recommendations that most could accept, regardless of their self-contradictory, and trivial pabulatory nature."

Many had argued for a value of 3, claiming that this was the simplest number to use in calculations, and one that most students would have a prayer of remembering. Others thought that this was a laudatory goal, but that it would be too incongruent with the actual ratio to be useful, arguing instead that the number should be determined to be 3.142, which would be close enough to usually generate actual useful results, but not too difficult to recall. Another group thought that the value should be 4, to ensure that the number would not suffer from self-esteem issues by being too low.

One extremist radical contingent, dismissed by the mainstream members of the panel, insisted that it was an irrational number, computable only by adding an infinite series, and unable to be completely memorized by any human being. This was obviously an unacceptable solution, politically, since given its infinite nature, it wouldn't have been able to even be printed in the report in its entirety, let alone made statutory law.

Everyone was pleased when the determination was made to take an average of all of the members' positions, arriving at the value 3.45 (after throwing out the suggestions of those favoring the irrational solution, since adding it in would have made the final solution unprintable and unmemorizable as well).

"We expect that the president and Congress will quickly act on our recommendation once we finalize it, since it was made on a bipartisan basis, and based on months of discussion between washed-up diplomats, spongy former Supreme Court justices, and also-ran wishy-washy politicians," said a spokesman for the group.

"Of course, there is one more key step to determining the final number," she added.

"We have to ensure that this will be an acceptable decision to the world community. Therefore, before we finalize our report, we want to sit down and get the opinions of Iran and Syria, and incorporate their thoughts into the results. We'd like to include Israel as well, but we fear that, like those on the panel familiar with actual mathematics, they'll be too unrealistic. And irrational."

And thanks to Andy McCarthy for the inspiration.

[Thursday morning update]

Lileks isn't kind to the commission recommendations:

Imagine a government report on organized crime, demanding the following:
* The Mafia’s full adherance to the RICO and IRS statutes concerning independent contractors, including but not limited to Social Security contributions, FICA regulations, as well as compliance with state and federal laws concerning murder, extortion and kidnapping

* The Mafia’s full cooperation with all investigations into the deaths of Artie “Two Sheds” Palini, Ricky “The Squid” Piscatori, Jackie the Gaspipe, Tommy Shoes, and 16,302 others

* A verifiable cessation of Mafia contributions to local law enforcement officials

* The Mafia should use its influence with the Russian and Irish mobs to find out what the hell happened to that poor guy who wandered into the back room when they were all having a sit-down

* A verifiable cessation of Mafia efforts to undermine and circumvent the laws in the states of New Jersey, New York, Ohio and Chicago, as well as Nevada and portions of Kansas City which Johnny Mook swears he has no control over, but some of those hits just have his style written all over them

If those things are done, well, the price of garbage hauling in selected municipalities might decrease. But I wouldn’t count on them happening, and I certainly wouldn’t argue that we should give the Mafia Staten Island in the hopes some age-old territorial grievance will be settled for good.

For a "realist," James Baker seems to be living in some kind of alternate reality.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:20 PM

Five Years On, Unanswered Questions About December Seventh Remain

In honor of tomorrow's sixty-fifth anniversary of Pearl Harbor, I've dredged up a sixty-year-old Routers piece on who was really behind it...

December 7, 1946

HONOLULU (Routers) Five years after the sinking of the battleships in Pearl Harbor, many still question the official government story of what happened on that fateful day, and who was responsible. Some believe that the Roosevelt administration did it themselves, deliberately, making it look like Japanese religious fanatics were responsible, in order to drag the country into a war that they could get by no other means, to benefit arms merchants and the Jews.

The controversy has been renewed by a recently released film documentary, titled "Loose Ships." It makes a compelling case against the Shinto extremist theory, citing inconsistent eyewitness reports, mistaken radar readings, and structural analysis of the sunken battleships.

"It makes no sense to think that Japanese Shintoists could have done this," explains one of the film's producers. "Shinto is a deeply spiritual religion, derived from Buddhism, worshiping nature. A Shintoist would never have desecrated Pearl Harbor with all of that leaking and burning diesel fuel and oil. It is fundamentally a religion of peace."

He points out that many eyewitnesses saw American planes in the air that day, and that the radar images that many claim, preposterously in his view, were of the attacking Japanese aircraft, were actually a squadron of American B-17s on its way to Hickam Air Force Base, perhaps to take part in the plot. The Truman administration itself has admitted that there was a group of bombers in the area that morning, on its way from the mainland, though a War Department spokesman claimed that it was too far away and in the wrong direction to appear on radar at that point in time.

The documentarian went on to expand on his theory. "We don't think that Japanese aircraft would have the range to get here all the way from Japan, but if by some miracle they did, it was probably to protect Honolulu, in which many Japanese live, from the administration plot. That's probably what people were seeing."

Some have examined the wreckage of the Arizona, and claim that it wasn't brought down by aerial bombs, but by charges planted on the ship beforehand.

"Look at those two huge circular holes in the front and rear of the sunken ship," he said. "No bomb is big enough to make a hole that size, and do it so cleanly. It was obviously a shaped charge of some kind. It's just not possible to take down ships that big with the little bombs that are carried in those little Japanese airplanes."

"They killed thousands of sailors for their filthy war, and many of them died a long and horrible death in air pockets. And take a look at the roster of the people who died on the Arizona. How many Jewish names do you see there? I think they were warned ahead of time. And how do they explain the radio transmissions that were picked up with cries of 'Torah, Torah, Torah'?"

"It was all part of the Zionist neo-liberal conspiracy to drag America into a needless war of choice."

In response to suggestions that the Japanese used aircraft carriers, and that many of the Japanese planes were torpedo bombers, and that the large holes were the empty sockets for the gun turrets, that were removed afterward, he scoffed. "That's all just Franklin Delano Rosenfeld administration propaganda," he sneered knowingly.

Some enterprising and innovative people have carried the analysis further. In one sequence shown in the documentary, a man built a wooden model of the ship in his pond, and filmed himself dropping lit firecrackers on it from above, to demonstrate how preposterous was the notion that ships could be sunk by bombs. They seemed to have no effect other than a slight scorching of the deck, and the sturdy little toy remained afloat.

He was proud of his own small part in uncovering the cover up. "Other than the fact that the ship is wood, which is much weaker than steel, and I used firecrackers instead of iron bombs, and that there was no ammunition magazine aboard to explode, this is a perfect simulation of what the Roosevelt administration claims happened to the Arizona. But there the ship floats, to show to one and all the administration's lie. And how convenient of Roosevelt to die a year and a half ago, so he can avoid having to answer these questions."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 04:10 PM

No Blood For Cheese

Smash has the story on the latest outburst of Amerikkkan imperialism.

“Bush is wagging the dog,” complained Justin Pritchard, an electrician and union organizer. “He’s trying to distract attention from his dismal poll numbers.”
In Lafayette Park, a college professor was organizing a dozen friends and students to protest the policy. “Bush’s lunar ambitions are nothing less than a return to colonialism,” said Lester Candless, who teaches political science at George Washington University. “The administration assures us that they will form an international coalition to explore the moon, but we all know that is a smokescreen.”

Terrance Resnik, holding a handmade sign that read “Stop U.S. Lunar Imperialism,” agreed with his companion. “Who profits?” asked Resnik, before answering his own question. The corporations, that’s who!”

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:51 AM

December 01, 2006
A Modest Proposal

Frank J. says that the military needs to get back to basics:

I, for one, know the military - and especially my brother - would like this policy a lot better. Actually, if the people shouting "Chickenhawk!" all the time got their way and only people in the military made decisions on wars, that's exactly what would happen. My brother, like many Marines, joined the military to kill evil foreigners, not to build schools. Do you have any idea how few casualties we'd take if our sole goal was to go into a country, kill all the readily available targets, and leave? Do you also know how much cheaper that would be? Plus, if we actually just left Iraq right after we had that infamous "Mission Accomplished" banner, the whole Middle East would be talking about that huge Iraq military win because we totally kicked the crap out of Iraq. The only reason the conflict doesn't look like a clear-cut victory is because we stayed after the crap-kicking to try and make friends.
America is big; we don’t need friends.

I now think liberals have had this issue right all along: We need to just go into countries, destroy them, and then leave them to rot. If you don't want your country destroyed, make sure it's only pestering France and not us.

[Late afternoon update]

Scott Ott has a scoop on Bush's new strategy, one that makes much more sense than "staying the course":

...Mr. Bush said the Iraq Study Group, Kofi Annan and other Democrats have convinced him that engagement with Iran and Syria is crucial to finding a “holistic solution” to the Iraq situation.
“At the very least,” said Mr. Bush, “Redeploying our troops to Iran should help Iranian weapons manufacturers save some money on shipping.”

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:24 PM

October 30, 2006
It Was Inevitable

Indiana Jones has been denied tenure.

It hardly surprises me. In fact, it reminds me of this lawsuit.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:28 PM

This Is Just...Wrong

But pretty funny. It's a Charlie Brown Jihad.

And Iowahawk got an audience with the rape condoner in Australia. Read, as he "asks the Aussie Iman"!

Imram M. of Jumbuck Springs, Victoria asks:
I am a taxi driver at the Melbourne Airport. The Taxi Directorate tells me I must give rides to blind kuffars and their filthy guide dogs, even when I tell him they are haram in the eyes of Allah! Even worse, I think the kuffars and their dogs have been drinking alcohol. Help me, I am at my wit's end.

Sadly the dog-alcohol cootie issue has been a sore point for the many believers who work at the airport. We have long asked the Airport authority to exempt Muslim baggage handlers from touching luggage containing alcohol, and protect Muslim passengers from having contact with unclean bomb-sniffing dogs. Until we can correct this blatant discrimination, politely tell any fares who are potentially carrying alcohol or dogs that you will rape them.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:41 AM

September 28, 2006
Meltdown With Keith Olbermann

Iowahawk, in the service of all of those of us still possessed of sanity, and doubtless under the influence of some fell combination of hallucinogens and household cleaning products of which one can only guess, and shudder in vague horror, has been dumpster diving over at MSNBC, and found a first draft of one of KO's deranged rants:

Thus and forthwith in his supposed emeritus years hath Mr. Clinton dispatched a forceful and triumphant action for honesty, and for us; in one virile act at once vital and as courageous as it was a brilliant tour de force of Churchillesquian statesmanship, Mr. Clinton assured his immortality as the sage of this dark time, the sexually electric love child begotten of a tryst between Voltaire, Thomas Moore, Gandhi and Ron Jeremy. Had He witnessed the selfless magnificence of the former president’s honesty, Christ Himself would have been inspired to rip His very hands free of their crucifixial spikes, switch the channel to ESPN-Palestine, and punch Himself in His nards out of unworthiness.
So thus let us therefore follow in the path of our blessed Saviour and Redeemer who suffered for us on the Fox. Let us reflect on His trying, how he tried, and His many trying trials. We must ask, “what would Clinton try?”

Careful. Hilariously dumb sports metaphors abound.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:57 AM

September 26, 2006
Losing World Sympathy

Iowahawk has found an early draft of the Arizona memorial design.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:22 AM

September 07, 2006
Time To Negotiate

Drinking From Home has miraculously managed to find some old screenshots of the BBC web site, circa 1943.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:25 AM

July 06, 2006
The Tubes Are Moving My Furniture

Iowahawk has found a copy of Ted Stevens' latest Internet tutorial.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:35 PM

June 24, 2006
The Grapes Of Ego

Byron York has some of Markos' modest little speech the other day, but I've found the rest that he decided not to use:

"Yeah, they can take me down, Ma, but I'll still be there, with Armstrong. I'm a part of something bigger--the way I figger it, I'm just a small part of one big netroots movement. I'll be all 'roun' in the dark. Stumblin' 'round in the dark. I'll be ever'where. Ever'where you look.

Whenever there's a brutally murdered American in Iraq to scorn, I'll be there.

Wherever there's a few loons milling around with misspelled protes' signs saying 'Bush Lied! People Died!' and pictures of Che, and paper-mache puppets of Uncle Sam and Bushitlercheney McHalliburton, I'll be there.

Wherever there's a politician panderin' to the tiny anti-American, 'anti-war' constituency, I'll be there.

Wherever there's a politician who los' an election because he decided that he wasn't far enough to the lef', I'll be there.

Wherever there's a moonbat business associate whose political beliefs seem to shuttlecock with the financial winds, and who thinks that Osama attacked us because the Moon is in the Seventh House, and we were oppressing the Oort Cloud with our technoimperialism, I'll be there.

I'll be in the way that mindless minions compassionately tilt their heads in sorrow and regret over the fact that Saddam and the Taliban are no longer in power.

I'll be in the way that leftist blogs spew spittle and obscenities at whoever has the temerity to disagree with them, or acquaint them with facts, and logic, and then delete or modify their commen's.

I'll be in the way that any position other than extreme lef' is branded 'full of hate,' 'racis',' 'right-wing,' 'neocon,' 'fascis',' etc.

And wherever there's a buck to be made, and an ego to be gratified, off the 'progressive' suckers that are seemingly born much more frequently than P. T. Barnum could have ever imagined, I'll be there, too."

[Update on Saturday night]

What, now they're embarrassed to call Amstrong an astrologer? Why?

And doesn't Google cache just suck? Well, at least if you're the type who wants to toss things down the memory hole...

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:54 AM

June 20, 2006
Administration Immigration Policy Under Renewed Fire

BAGHDAD (APUPI) The Bush administration was reeling from renewed criticism of its immigration policy today, as many in Iraq demanded a wall across the Syrian, Jordanian, Iranian and Saudi Arabian borders to keep out a perceived flood of undocumented insurgents.

"The Bush administration seems indifferent to the number of problems being caused by these people, and its unwillingness to control the border," said an angry Iraqi official. "These illegals shoot men wearing shorts and women who show any skin at all, they plant roadside bombs, they send explosive-laden cars into crowded market places, they kidnap us and chop off our heads."

A visit to a random street corner in Ramadi displays the scope of the problem, and the demand for their services. A swarthy Al Qaeda commander drives up in a pickup with a load of bomb belts, and looks over a group of Syrians milling around. He casts an experienced eye over them, sizing them up, judging them for vapid yet maniacal expressions, willingness to abruptly disassemble themselves and their neighbors in the name of Allah. He points out to three of them. "You, you and you. I'm paying forty virgins today." The desperate young men get in the truck, to go off to their day's task.

Most upsetting to many is the unwillingness of the administration to deport the miscreants. "They arrest them, they kill them, but they refuse to return them to their native country," he continued. "They won't even allow us to report them to the INS."

The administration claims that it's not practical to talk of deporting all of these people.

Some people, normally at odds with the administration, defend the administration policy. For instance, film maker Michael Moore made the case for open borders.

"These are desperate people, with few opportunities to kill infidels in their native lands," he explained. "If they're willing to brave many miles of brutal hot desert to seek a new life, and death, it would be cruel to turn them back."

"Besides," he went on, "they are doing the jobs that Iraqis won't do. No Iraqi is willing to brutally murder Iraqis, to chop off their heads, to perforate their bodies with nail bombs. It's hard to find Iraqis willing to murder young women for wearing nail polish, for any amount of money or virgins. Most of all, few Iraqis are nuts enough to strap bombs to their own chests and detonate them. These are the Minutemen of the insurgency. Without these hardworking immigrants, creating mayhem that the media can use to show how we're losing the war, the Iraqi insurgency could completely collapse, and all hopes for ending the occupation evaporate."

Many analysts claim that this is really part of a larger regional problem--a symptom of the failure of the neighboring governments.

"The Saudis, Jordanians and Syrians don't allow sufficient freedom of Islamic extremism in their own countries," explained one expert. "The governments in some of those states cynically look the other way, and even encourage and aid those desperate Jihadis emigrating from their countries, in order to export the problem, and avoid having to deal with the pressure cooker of their own home-grown issues."

Some think that personal relationships between the president and the leaders of the neighboring countries are influencing the policy.

"George Bush is still good buds with Prince Bandar," said one critic. "They go mountain biking when he visits the ranch in Crawford. I think that goes a long way toward explaining this strange attitude. Besides, maybe he and Karl Rove imagine that if they're nice to these people, they'll eventually become Republicans."

In an attempt to assuage the angry Iraqis, the administration is working with the Senate on a bill to grant amnesty to the new immigrants, making them Iraqi citizens.

"We're sure that once they are offered a path to legitimacy, they'll quickly assimilate and restrict their murders to American soldiers," explained an administration spokesman.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:03 PM

June 15, 2006
Ouch

The Onion's take on the recent Kos Konvention. I particularly like the "Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi Memorial Service."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:46 AM

June 13, 2006
OK, Folks, What's The Consensus?

Was the Kos poster serious, or an amusing troll?

[Update at 5:50 PM EDT]

Here's a credible theory as to who has been pulling the Kossacks' chain. Yeah, it certainly has his fingerprints. At least as far as the hilarity part...

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:43 PM

June 07, 2006
Fertilizer Bombs

I don't know how Greg Gutfeld perseveres at the HuffPo, but I'm glad he does. It surely stirs up the moonbat belfry over there.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:44 AM

June 02, 2006
The Two-Minute Snark

You need to read this (and, of course, follow the link), to understand this. But if you do (and you've read Orwell), it's funny as hell.

And of course, it will drive them up the wall. I can't wait to see the foam-flecked Kommentary at Kos.

If you look up the phrase "vicious satire," you should see a picture of David Burge.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 04:32 PM

May 26, 2006
Iowahawk

...has been on a roll lately. First, he has the true-lie confessions of a special forces impersonator. And now, he provides us with the inevitable response of the "reality-based community" (I can never type that phrase without cracking up) to the fact that "Hot-Air America" (to use Ralph Nader's wonderful phrase) is swirling down the bowl. Go read about 1-900-REALITY:

BREATHY FEMALE ANNOUNCER 1-900-REALITY…
ANNOUNCER
Call now and join our reality-based party! Provocative leakers are standing by to give you an earful of shocking facts, just the way you like them… hot, heavy, and weeks ahead of the news cycle!

BREATHY FEMALE ANNOUNCER
1-900-REALITY…

ANNOUNCER
For just $5.95 and $1.95 per minute, you’ll be connected with one of our information insiders who is aching to fulfill your every fantasy of governmental overthrow!

MARY
Hi, I’m Mary. Dial extension CBS and let me show you my private collection of shocking Texas Air National Guard documents. Stay on the line and I’ll show you how I can do things with Microsoft Word that Bill Gates never dreamed of!

ANNOUNCER
Aww yeah fellas, Mary can get her kern on – all night long!

EASON
I’m Eason and I can’t wait to tell you the dirty, dirty things I saw American soldiers do to innocent journalists. Call me at extension CNN and I’ll stimulate your outrage to a boil!

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:12 AM

April 24, 2006
"I Hate Email"

al Zarqawi is guest blogging at Iowahawk's place again, and as usual, he's not happy.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:18 PM

We Need A Real War For Oil

That's what Frank J. says, anyway.

Would it just be easier to drive a hybrid instead of having all this killing? No, it wouldn't, because hybrids are gay. If our military can't keep us from being forced to drive gay little cars, then what exactly are all these gasoline taxes going towards? You better not tell me poor people, because I did not get an SUV to help the poor. It should be obvious that our military must be deployed with the sole purpose of stealing all the oil worth getting our hands on. It is a risk of lives, but I risk lives everyday I drive my SUV anyway.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:11 AM

April 22, 2006
No Rush

The Sanity Inspector says that we don't have to worry about the offensive buildup--we have plenty of time:

Former French prime minister Pierre Laval said Monday that Germany is a least five years away from developing an offensive military capability, leaving time to peacefully negotiate a settlement.
"But there is a chance that the Western powers will use bombs or artillery against several sites in Germany," he was quoted as saying. "Then, the reactions would be strong, and would contribute to increased war fever."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:53 AM

April 18, 2006
We've Lost The War

So says Ned Rice.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:09 AM

January 16, 2006
Preemptive Victimhood

Rather than digging up old Reuters pieces about past events, the Sanity Inspector seems to have found one about future events. In the future. Or something like that:

The D.C. Islamic Eternal Justice Endeavor against War and Stereotyping (DIEJEWS) yesterday issued a strongly worded statement condemning a rising backlash against Muslims following next month's nuclear bombing of Tel Aviv, Israel by Iran. The press release warned against an increase in anti-Muslim discrimination, hate crimes, and government harassment following the destruction of the unofficial Israeli capital city next month, as announced by the Iranian government.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:48 PM

January 06, 2006
More On The Moron

Yup, it's God's wrath:

"If Christians would read the Bible, instead of just watching TV, they would understand that people who claim to know exactly why God does what He does are usually false teachers,” said Mr. Robertson. “God disciplines American Christians for their willful ignorance of the Scriptures by having me embarrass them every 60 days or so with another ridiculous remark.”

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:42 AM

December 16, 2005
Another Unwinnable War

Today is the sixty-first anniversary of the beginning of the Battle of the Bulge. Last year, on the sixtieth, I noted how today's press would have covered it.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:13 AM

December 07, 2005
The World's Greatest Tee-Shirt Salesman

This ~~Christmas~~holiday season, do your shopping at Che-Mart.

Heh.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:25 AM

December 06, 2005
I Call For A Boycott

This has simply gone too far. Even though I'd look forward to seeing Oregon walloping Oklahoma, I will refuse to watch the Holiday Bowl, until they call it what we all know it is--the Christmas Bowl.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:18 AM

November 29, 2005
Lincoln Lied, People Died

What if Michael Moore (and Ken Burns) had been living in the 1860s, with modern video technology...?

[via Spleenville]

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:17 PM

November 12, 2005
A New Opera

Iowahawk first toyed with the opera form during the Clinton administration, resulting in the now-classic Il Scumbaggio (though it hasn't been performed recently). He has recently penned another masterpiece, this time in French--Le Risibles.

You'll particularly enjoy the finale grande--"The Age Of Eurabia":

When Mahmooooud is in the Notre Dame
And prayer rugs line Versailles
Then this will please the Prophet
We'll get hot chicks in Paradise!

This is the dawning of the Age of Eurabia!
Age of Eurabiaaaaa!
Eu-ra-bi-AH! Eu-RA-bi-ah!
Harmony and peace abounding
all the Jews we will be hounding
No more blaspheme or derision
Imams making all decisions
Mystic Qu’ran revelations
No more homo celebrations
Eu-ra-bi-AH! Eu-RA-bi-ah!

Briiiing the Imams, bring the Imams in, the Imams in… (repeat chorus)

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:04 PM

November 07, 2005
Prescient

Sadly, the current misbehavior in Europe reminds me of this post from last summer:

Sixty years after Paris was seized by the "Allies," and the beginning of the American occupation, France remains a failed nation, mired in political corruption and beset by vast pockets of Muslim extremism and anti-semitism, into which the gendarmerie fear to tread...
...The growing Islamic insurgency in the suburbs of the capital and other cities is particularly troubling, and even after six decades of training, it's not clear that the native security forces are up to the job, with many of them refusing to even enter disputed areas.

Advantage, Transterrestrial!

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:12 PM

October 28, 2005
Grim Milestone Approaches In Unending War

October 28th, 1944

WASHINGTON (Routers) As this bloody and futile war enters its fourth year, the casualties continue to rise, and while it's hard to know how many American soldiers have been lost, due to a secretive Roosevelt administration, many analysts think that the number of deaths in brutal battle is now approaching a quarter of a million, with many more millions of civilian casualties in Europe and Asia. Even ignoring all of the innocent loss of life, the loss of American soldiers alone is now almost equivalent to that of the entire population of a medium-sized American city.

This mark is being reached amid growing doubts among the American public about the seemingly endless European and Pacific conflicts, hastily and, some say, thoughtlessly launched in December 1941 to avenge the attack on Pearl Harbor by radical Japanese Shintoists.

Here in the nation's capital, many urged the U.S. Senate to observe a moment of silence in honor of the fallen 250,000.

"We owe them a deep debt of gratitude for their courage, for their valor, for their strength, for their commitment to our country," said a prominent Democrat leader.

Critics of the war also acknowledged the sacrifice, even as they questioned the policies of those who lead it.

"Our armed forces are serving ably in Europe and the Pacific under enormously difficult circumstances, and the policy of our government must be worthy of their sacrifice. Unfortunately, it is not, and the American people know it," said a well-known Republican Senator on background.

Another veteran Republican Senator said today that Americans should expect "many more losses to come."

"Millions of U.S. troops remain overseas. They did not ask to be sent to war, but each day, they carry out their duty while risking their lives. It is only reasonable that the American people, and their elected representatives, ask more questions about what the future holds in Europe, Asia and the Pacific, and how we got into this situation," he said.

"Anyone who examines the record can see that this president has lied his way into this war. Over the two years before December 7th, while he was telling the nation that we'd never send these boys into a foreign war, he was making backroom deals with the bellicose British government, holding secret talks with them without informing the Congress, supporting them with war material, which could be considered an act of war in itself, providing naval patrols in the north Atlantic and giving orders to fire on German submarines, occupying Iceland, freezing Japanese assets...the list goes on."

"He knew that the Japanese extremists were going to attack us, and let it happen to get us into his illegal war. It's time for us to ask why the world hates us, and why they continue to fight against us and kill hundreds of thousands of our soldiers."

It should be noted that while he disagrees with the characterization of his actions prior to December 7th, President Roosevelt has also warned in one of his fireside chats last year that "...the war is going to last a lot longer than you think. The plans we made for the knocking out of Mussolini and his gang have largely succeeded. But we still have to knock out Hitler and his gang, and Tojo and his gang. No one of us pretends that this will be an easy matter."

This past summer, he said that we "...shall have to push through a long period of greater effort and fiercer fighting before we get into Germany itself. The Germans have retreated thousands of miles, all the way from the gates of Cairo, through Libya and Tunisia and Sicily and Southern Italy. They have suffered heavy losses, but not great enough yet to cause collapse."

Unfortunately, the message was lost in the understandable furor over his crude language, referring to the Japanese and German governments as "gangs" and, even more appalling, his unapologetic use of racist language in the same speech, in which he repeatedly referred to the Japanese people and troops as "Japs."

In cities across the country, anti-war protesters and others concerned about the mounting death toll created tiny, glimmering cemeteries in public places. The anti-war group People for Peace And Justice organized many solemn candlelight ceremonies.

The anti-war movement has rallied around Etta Mae Hanberg, whose son was killed in Italy early this year. She gave a speech prior to the ceremony here last night:

"It is insane that there are so many people living and working in the White House that are responsible for war crimes, high crimes and misdemeanors and other crimes against humanity and they are wandering free to enjoy their lives and live fat off of their war profits. We will probably be arrested for exercising our rights to freedom of speech and freedom to peaceably assemble."

"Besides asking him for What Noble Cause did he kill 250,000 of our wonderful and brave young people, I would also like to ask Franklin Delanodamngood Roosevelt what he is sacrificing. Is he even sacrificing a good night's sleep? Is he sacrificing his future with his child? He is not sacrificing anything. He and his cabal of warmongering crooks are asking us Americans to give up our lives and our children's lives for his lies and mistakes and I am sure the grim milestone is barely causing a blip in their souls. Franklin Delano Rosenfeld, the syphillitic Dutch Jew, and his wealthy buddies don't even have to pay more taxes for the horror in Europe or to rebuild Houston and Galveston [referring to last year's devastating hurricane, about which the White House and the War Department have suppressed almost all news], which is another Rosenfeld horror."

Former military personnel are involved in the protests as well.

"We wanted to show people the immensity of the 250,000 people dead," said Harvey Whitmeyer, a veteran of the first world war who has spent the past several months with a handful of other veterans making the quarter of a million candles that people have been arranging in a vast circle over the past few weeks on the mall, 200 rows deep. "The Roosevelt administration has done everything in its power not to connect this war with death," Whitmeyer said. "We will rectify that with this peace display."

Joe Ferguson, a wounded veteran of the military disaster at Kasserine Pass a couple years ago, told the small, quiet crowd he had trouble looking at the shining monument. "These are my people," he said, shielding his eyes from the quarter of a million candlepower of intense light.

Anti-war activists, many of them wearing elaborate costumes and giant papier-mache heads fashioned in the likenesses of President Roosevelt and Secretary of War Stimson, danced around the peace inferno and chanted slogans such as, "Hey, hey, FDR, how many kids have you killed so far?"

Sadly, grief and mourning turned to tragedy anew as the radiance of the heat caused the wings of one of the giant Birds Of Peace to catch fire. Its wearer ran around in a panic, ablaze and screaming. The horror was increased as other protestors attempted to help by beating the fires out with cardboard plowshares, further spreading the flames and torment. The grim event seemed a living symbol, a flaming metaphor of what is apparent to many--the heartless callousness and indifference of this administration to human life and dignity.

In unrelated news in the past month, General MacArthur has retaken the Phillippines, many atolls continue to fall to American forces in the Pacific, and General Patton continues to roll through France on to Germany.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:45 PM

October 27, 2005
It Ate The MSM

It's almost Halloween, and Iowahawk is celebrating with a repeat of that scary horror classic, The Blog. Here a trailer:

"I'll teach that thing to target journalists! This is Jordan Eason, signing off!" The television reporter suddenly dropped his microphone and hurtled down the street screaming, headlong into the Blog, which was now over 20 feet tall.
"No... Jordan, you suicidal fool, you can't stop it!" cried Professor Von Kleinstein, but it was too late... the reporter was quickly swept up into the pulsating plasmoid mass. Suddenly, instinctively, it began heading for the Eastvale movie theater...

..."It's got to have some sort of central nervous system," said Biff. "Jeepers, if we could just find its brain, maybe we could kill it."

"That's just it, Biff -- it doesn't seem to have any head whatsoever! It seems to be some sort of pure unedited energy, and any attack only seems to make it stronger!"

Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:06 PM

October 16, 2005
Press Outraged Over Staged Flagraising

March 3rd, 1945

IWO JIMA (Routers) Controversy has erupted among the press corps in the last few days as news has spread that the now-famous picture of the "victorious" flag raising over Iwo Jima a couple weeks ago was staged. Many believe that, as the huge number of casualties mounted in the ill-fated and pointless invasion of this tiny island, the Roosevelt administration, desperate for a bit of pro-war propaganda, arranged to have the photo taken for dissemination to the world's news services.

It has been revealed that the picture was actually of a "recreation" of an earlier flag raising of a much smaller flag, though even that event has now been cast into doubt by the apparent attempt to mislead the press.

There is abundant evidence that the picture was not only unspontaneous, but orchestrated on orders from higher ups.

"None of the men in the picture actually carried the flag to the top," one reporter noted. "It was brought up by a lieutenant in charge, probably at White House orders." In addition, none of the men in the picture had even been injured in the fighting to that point.

The latest propaganda ploy from the administration comes in the midst of doubts about the war strategy, with many thinking this latest bloody adventure particularly misguided. Several thousand Marines have died already in the invasion, and many more have been injured, many losing limbs. Moreover, despite the "victory" implied by the "flag raising," the brave Japanese continue to resist in caves dug deep into the volcanic rock of the doughty little island, with continuing "Allied" casualties. One Republican staffer on the Hill declared that it was Roosevelt's attempt to prematurely declare "major combat operations over," when it was clear that the Japanese were going to continue to fight on to the last man.

Beyond the distaste at what now seems an obvious public-relations ploy, some military strategists argue that the Iwo Jima invasion wasn't worth the cost in resources and blood, or even necessary at all, since the only reason the island is desired is as an auxiliary air base for emergency landings of "Allied" bombers attacking the Japanese homeland.

Some of the anti-war groups are particularly outraged. "We've killed tens of thousands of Japanese soldiers, and several thousand of our own, just so we can save the lives of a few American air crews while they kill hundreds of thousands of helpless Japanese civilians," read a press release from one of the more prominent groups. It continued, "Now we find the Roosevelt administration attempting to cover up its criminal actions by staging events meant to hide the fact that we're losing this cruel war, with massive casualties on all sides."

The White House, of course, attempts to defend its actions. A spokesman points out that no claims have been made that fighting was over, and that the photo was a depiction of a real event that had occurred shortly before, but not been captured by the cameras. He also noted that Mount Suribachi was in fact taken that day, and had not been relinquished since.

This does not satisfy critics in the press or the anti-war movement, however.

"It's important to demonstrate the perfidy and mendacity of this administration now," said one leading spokesman, "before it becomes fixed in the mind of the public as an American 'victory,' or something to be admired and emulated in the future. If we don't set the record straight now, who knows how history will record it? For all we know, they'll decide to put up a bronze statue in Arlington to commemorate it, or something."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:05 AM

September 21, 2005
War Takes Priority Over Texans

August 2, 1943

HOUSTON (Routers) In this hurricane-ravaged city, a large number of Houstonians are now questioning the misplaced priorities of the Roosevelt administration, an administration that many increasingly see as valuing war mongering over the actual safety of the American people.

Last Tuesday's storm, which killed almost two dozen people and injured dozens more, with property damage in the millions of dollars, was the worst to strike the area since 1915, when hundreds were killed in Galveston.

"This hurricane completely blindsided us," said one resident. "The first we heard about it before it hit was when one measly airplane flew out over Galveston Bay to see how big the storm was."

Many find it shocking to consider how much more warning these stalwart southeast Texans could have had, had the hundreds of B-17 bombers sent to England in order to attack Germany, that had never been a direct threat to us, been instead pressed into service closer to home to look for storms in the Gulf of Mexico.

In addition, supposedly as a result of "threats" from German U-boats, ships were under orders of radio silence from the administration, further preventing warning of the storm from reaching the unaware Houston-area residents.

Another consequence of the administration's focus on the war could be seen at Ellington Field. Many Army Air Corps personnel were diverted to the task of physically holding down warplanes to keep them from blowing away, instead of being freed up to help maintain order in the wake of the disaster.

Many think that this is a sign of prejudice on the part of a haughty, patrician president from the northeast.

"It's very clear that Franklin "Delanodamngood" Roosevelt doesn't give a damn about ordinary folk down here in Texas," said one local man. "It's been almost a week now since the storm, many of us don't have water, and he hasn't even come down here to see how we're doing. All he can think about is his pointless war."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:15 AM

August 19, 2005
Grieving Mother Demands Answers From President

March 12, 1944

WARM SPRINGS (Routers) A Minnesota woman whose son was killed in the recent Anzio offensive has demanded a private audience with President Roosevelt, and has taken up residence outside his Georgia retreat until she gets one.

Mrs. Etta Mae Hanberg, of Fergus Falls, had a son, Lawrence, who died after stepping on a land mine near the Italian village of Aprilia on January 25th. Overcome with grief, she now questions the war, and laments the apparent purposelessness of her son's sacrifice. She has set up camp outside the president's vacation retreat here, and refuses to leave until the president agrees to meet with her. Her plight has attracted many who are equally unhappy with the war, and they've established a tent city nearby.

Following a rousing speech to the assembled by Father Coughlin, in his first public appearance in many months, she was interviewed.

"I just want answers," she says, in her soft-spoken, upper Midwest manner. "Why are our helpless babies dying in Italy when it was Japan that attacked us? And I think that the president knew that the Japanese were going to attack, but let it happen so he could get rich off this war in Europe."

She is just warming up.

"The president says that Germany declared war on us, but I haven't seen any declaration of war, and I don't believe that there are any Germans in Italy. And even if there were any Germans there, who can blame them, with all of our support for Britain? If it weren't for that nasty little island, always interfering with the rights of German lebensraum and Vichy self determination, and their desire to get rid of all those Jews that are occupying their land and stealing all their money, there wouldn't be any trouble in Europe. And the way we treat our war prisoners is just a disgrace."

"I don't blame whoever planted that land mine. This president is the murderer of my son. With all due respect to the office, I think that this is all just an imperialist grab for olive oil to benefit him and the rest of his crooked business cronies. I think that Franklin Delanodamngood Roosevelt and everyone in his corrupt and bloodthirsty administration ought to be impeached, all the way down to his little dog Fala."

Sympathetic demonstrators who have gathered from all around to support her cheer at the words, with shouts of "Roosevelt lied, Larry died!" and "No blood for pesto!"

When it was pointed out that she was just one mother of many, and asked how the president could possibly meet with all of the mothers of the hundreds of thousands of American men killed in this war to date, she replied, "My child died. I'll never see him again. I have absolute moral authority here. And anyway, it's not hundreds of thousands. I think that there have been hundreds of millions of our children killed and that this lying administration is just covering it all up."

Roosevelt administration officials have pointed out that the president regrets the loss of Mrs. Hanberg's son, as he does the losses of all of the families of casualties of this war, but that he can't meet with just one mother without slighting the thousands of others who are in similar pain. But this, appropriately, doesn't assuage the grief-stricken woman.

"I have a right to see the president," she responded. "Are they trying to silence me? Are you? I have a right to be heard. I have a right to have my words broadcast across this nation, and printed in every newspaper. I have a right to this press attention. Why are you trying to deny me my rights?"

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:10 PM

August 16, 2005
It's A Quagmire!

In Crawford.

[Update early Wednesday morning]

Thomas James advances Scrappleface's ball further down the field in comments:

Mother Sheehan's war is just a distraction from the Global Whinge on Bush. The left was arguably justified in going into the Plame/Rove scandal (remember that?) after the catastrophic 11/2 attacks which damaged Ohio's electoral system and brought down the Twin Johns. But since then, they have squandered the unprecedented and heartfelt outpouring of support they once received from George Soros. The left went into this war on the basis of fraudulent estimates of Mother Sheehan's capabilities as a weapon of mass media destruction, an "imminent threat" which has since been proved bogus, and their appalling conduct in this "illegal" ditch-occupation is serving as a recruitment tool for anti-idiotarian insurgents.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:19 PM

July 22, 2005
The Wrong Man Or Woman For The Job

Iowahawk has found the liberal-group talking points against ___JOHN ROBERTS___.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:00 AM

July 14, 2005
Anger At Government Grows In Bombings' Wake

September 8, 1940

LONDON (Routers) The new government of Winston Churchill, only in office for a scant few months, came under fire today, after the seemingly senseless destruction of property and lives in the city by German bombers yesterday. Many are blaming the new Prime Minister for the bombings, which they view as a result of his stubborn support of an illegal war against Vichy France, and inappropriately aggressive policies against the misunderstood Germans.

"Under Chamberlain," said one Labour backbencher, "we had peace for our time."

"Now," he went on, "under this new brutal and dictatorial Tory rule, Churchill, along with his poodle Franklin "Delanodamngood" Roosevelt, has brought this wretched war home to Whitehall itself, and ordinary Londoners."

The bombing began around four o'clock yesterday afternoon, with squadrons of German bombers blackening the skies over London, dropping many thousands of pounds of bombs on the city for two hours. A couple hours later, a second wave of bombings commenced, with the bombers' navigators guided by the fires from the first attack, with no cessation until early this morning. The fires still burn, and the total casualties have yet to be properly assessed.

It is widely believed that the lamentable attacks have their root cause in the government's unwillingness to recognize the new Pétain government in Paris, established over two months ago, following the liberation of France by German troops in late June, or to even negotiate respectfully with the German leadership. It is all the more puzzling that the government takes this line despite the past noble and sincere efforts of Lord Halifax to reach a settlement with the German government.

Instead, it has been undermining the fledgling French government, and its German ally, with supplies and moral support for its enemies, despite the "withdrawal" of British forces at Dunkirk three months ago. Churchill has in fact defiantly supported the illegitimate "Free" French government established by "General" Charles de Gaulle, while making blustery and bellicose speeches, filled with obvious disdain and hatred for the Germans and their elected leader and head of the Nazi Party, Mr. Adolf Hitler.

The German's understandable sense of beleaguerment is further reinforced by the British alliance with Roosevelt's America, via the Lend-Lease program among other things, creating a spectre of an Anglo-American conspiracy against them. The aggressive actions of the US warship "Greer" only a few days ago, in which its sailors lobbed depth charges at a German submarine (though fortunately with no casualties), has only fed such concerns.

A former ambassador to Germany, off the record, pointed out that, after all, it is Britain and the former Third French Republic who are the aggressors, having declared war on Germany last September.

Some scholars of Northern European studies think that in fact, ultimately, these acts of violence have a deeper cause--the years of poverty brought on by imperialistic policies against Germany. The tragic Treaty of Versailles after the Great War kept Germany on its economic back for years, and the resulting deprivation has fueled the anger of young bomber crews who were raised in squalor, amidst the depths of the long depression.

Under these circumstances, most think it little wonder that the Germans have been driven to such desperate measures as bombing innocents, in the wake of such unremitting animosity and economic scarcity. It no doubt adds to their fury that many of their bombers were shot down in the raid by British anti-aircraft fire and RAF aircraft (weapons that many think should be outlawed, or at least renounced, in the interest of international stability), at the cost of probably hundreds, perhaps thousands, of brave German lives.

More shockingly, many even believe, with some justification, that the German bombers were deliberately targeted, while the gunners attempted to miss British aircraft, a government policy that some properly view as a particularly cruel form of ethnic profiling.

Given such policies, they say, Britain should prepare for more such attacks in the future, until the government can understand why the Germans hate us, and act on that understanding with more rational and humane policies.

The government, of course, attempts to claim that this is nonsense.

"The Nazis have declared their intention and right to conquer and rule the world--it's right there in Hitler's own book, Mein Kampf," said one outraged assistant in the Defense ministry. "One doesn't have to indulge in sociological analyses to know why they bomb us--they do so because we are now the bulwark for the still-free world against Hitler's totalitarian ambitions. Why not simply take them at their word?"

"They've violated the Munich agreement, and the von Ribbentropp Pact is unlikely to hold up for long. They cannot be trusted or negotiated with. They've invaded our allies Poland, France, the Netherlands, Belgium and other places. The notion that, if we would simply listen to them and hear out their grievances and give them what they want, they'll leave us alone, is infantile."

Of course, it seems common sentiment now that, sadly, such simple-minded analyses are the problem, not the solution--that an entire people should not be judged by selected words from a single book. The German information minister himself, Mr. Goebbels, has said that Nazism is a peaceful belief, and that the Germans seek only justice and lebensraum.

But sadly, few in the government listen, and in the wake of such unyielding, and futile albeit brutal policies, the British people are now settling in for a long, bloody and hopeless reign of carnage, that no one can hope to win.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:34 AM

July 11, 2005
Corporate Memory Loss

Andy Borowitz has a scoop on the latest NASA screwup:

At the Johnson Space Center, spokesperson Harrison Froling said that NASA scientists were "working overtime" to try to remember why the space agency launched the Explorer 17b on May 17, 1995.
"We are confident that the Explorer 17b will expand our understanding of the solar system and the universe," Mr. Froling said. "We're just not sure how."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:15 AM

July 10, 2005
About Time

Harry "Galloway" Potter is finally asking the right question: "Why does he hate us?"

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:48 AM

July 06, 2005
Blowback

Still not much time to post, but I have to note that David Burge, Evil Comedy Genius, has been having fun with the Kos Kidz.

I don't know why they don't just concede the field. Oh, yeah, that's right--they're too clueless.

Hint, guys. Next time Iowahawk beats up on you, just take it. If you try to fight back, it only gets worse. It's like one of those monsters that, the harder you fight it, the stronger it gets, because it actually feeds on your pathetic swats. Just stop giving him ammo, and maybe he'll leave you alone for a day or two.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:22 PM

July 04, 2005
Seeking Justice

[Note the following was posted at sci.space.policy this morning by sci.space.* moderator George William Herbert]

-----------------------------------)
The People of Ziquikcikty )
(also known as Comet Tempel-1); )
A class, seeking )
certification as such; )
Plaintiffs )
)
v. )
)
Michael A'Hearn, )
Rick Grammier, )
Alphonso Diaz, )
Michael Griffin, )
Karl Rove, )
Andrew Card, )
Richard Cheney, )
George W. Bush, )
Does 1-100, )
and Does 101-600,000, )
1 et Prcpui 50 n 1 abrat 05135, )
Government of Bars and Stripes; )
Defendants ) FILED:
-----------------------------------) Minxktaquicky 43, Year Nipathatep
(July 3, 2005)

STATEMENT OF FACTS

1. The matter before the court regards loss of life and limb, injuries, mental anguish, and property damage suffered on the early morning of Minxktaquicky 43, Year Nipathatep (July 3, 2005) at or around Mong 54 (10:52 PM PST).

2. At or around that time, inhabitants of Ziquikcikty (Comet Tempel-1) were awoken by a large explosion. They awoke to find that a large segment of the surface of Ziquikcity had been destroyed by an unknown agent, leaving a large crater in the surface. Ejected debris caused serious damage to approximately half the surface of Ziquikcity, and minor damage to all remaining areas of the comet.

3. A veritable flood of injured sentients reached medical attention after the explosion, and preliminary estimates are that 105,000 sentients were treated for injuries of some sort. Hospitals report over 2800 cessations of sentient function, with another more than 5,200 sentients undergoing major medial care with significant ongoing risk of cessation of sentient function.

4. Rescue parties are still combing through the debris as of this filing, but 1,952 formerly sentient organisms have been recovered as of this filing, and at least 4,700 remain unaccounted for.

5. Initial estimates of property damage (still preliminary at this time) indicate that in excess of 58,000 residences were destroyed or rendered uninhabitable, in excess of 7,500 places of business were destroyed or rendered uninhabitable, and at least 125,000 other buldings suffered serious damage including at least a partial lsos of pressure. Purely cosmetic damage estimates have not been received to date, but are expected to be severe.

6. Special scientific teams investigating the source of this damage identified debris from a metallic object in the crater at the point of origin of the damage.

7. Subsequent analysis and recovery included large quantities of Element 29.

8. Smaller fragments recovered included a small, square metal plate bearing inscribed text, and many pieces of a micro-representational disc structure.

9. Upon closer inspection, the small, square metal plate was found to have a manufacturers mark ("1 et Prcpui 50 n 1 abrat 05135") and unit designation ("D33p 1 mpact").

10. Upon closer inspection, the fragments of a micro-representational disc contained squiggly lines which are associated with pre-infoputational civilization identification rituals.

11. Upon information and belief, based upon Galactic Registrar data and other sources, we believe that defendant
"1 et Prcpui 50 n 1 abrat 05135"
(hereinafter referred to as "1 ET") is an organization subservient to the defendant "Government of Bars and Stripes".

12. Upon information and belief, we believe that defendant 1 ET is engaged in interplanetary warfare. Its electronic presences contain information regarding a number of interplanetary weapons systems and military reconnaissance systems which it has employed in past military campaigns against other planetary bodies within the Sol Solar System and nearby interplanetary space.

13. Upon information and belief, we believe that defendants A'Hearn and Grammier were employed by defendant 1 ET as primary assault managers for the D33p system deployment.

14. Upon information and belief, we believe that defendants Diaz and Griffin are direct supervisors within the Government of Bars and Stripes department charged with waging interplanetary warfare.

15. Upon information and belief, we believe that defendants Rove, Card, Cheney, and Bush are senior war-leaders of the Government of Bars and Stripes.

16. Upon information and belief, we believe that defendants Does 1-100 inclusive are members of the strike team which operated the D33p unit which struck Ziquikcikty.

17. Upon information and belief, we believe that defendants Does 101-600,000 are members of the support units which helped assemble and launch the D33p unit which struck Ziquikcikty.

CLAIMS

18. Claim 1:
Plaintiffs claim that Defendants intentionally launched a Weapon of Mass Destruction, D33p unit "1 mpact", towards Ziquikcikty, causing loss of life, limb, sentience, and property, in contravention of the Galactic Environmental Modification Convention, and Defendants own collaborative agreement contravening the use of environment altering space objects and weapons.

19. Claim 2:
Plaintiffs claim that Defendants launched unprovoked military action without proper notifications or warnings of threat or exclusion zone.

20. Claim 3:
Plaintiffs claim that Defendants neglegently utilized a Weapon of Mass Destruction in proximity to civilian habitation areas without a valid military target within the targeted area.

21. Claim 4:
Plaintiffs claim that Defendants have caused great mental anguish to the peoples of Ziquikcikty, including loss of sleep, disruption of marital congress, premature larval stage spawning, and subversion of extrapotentiary quik.

22. Claim 5:
Plaintiffs claim that Defendants failed to register D33p unit "1 mpact" properly as an exported weapons system under their own legal system.

23. Plaintiffs reserve the right to file ammended compaint as further iformation becomes available to us.

DEMANDS

24. Plaintiffs demand that Defendants be enjoined from further unprovoked military action against spatial bodies.

25. Plaintiffs demand that suitable disaster aid be made available to the beings of Ziquikcikty.

26. Plaintiffs demand monetary damages for loss of sentience, mental anguish, injury, property damage, and the plague of premature larval stage spawning, in an amount to be determined.

27. Plaintiffs demand urgent assistance with approximately one million prematurely spawned larvae who are rapidly denuding all plant life in the affected areas.

28. Failing the above, Plaintiffs demand the right to send the approximately one million prematurely spawned larvae to the vicintity of defendant 1 ET under the doctorine of transferred headache.

29. Plaintiffs demand all movie, television, internet, mind-send and telesmell broadcast rights to all images resulting from the deployment of D33p unit "1 mpact", under the doctorine of confiscatus felonuis copyrightus.

30. Plaintiffs demand an Intergalactic War Crimes Tribunal for all Defendants for Great Assault and Grand Felony Littering.

SO MOVED

/s/ #@23842*)*dsfe#@dsf#}#@

Illeb Nivlem, JD
Counsel for the Plaintiffs
Minxktaquicky 43, Year Nipathatep (July 3, 2005)

CERTIFICATE OF SERVICE

I, the undersigned, delivered a true and accurate copy of this document to the defendants by: [check one]
[ ] certified mail
[ ] precision planetary delivery probe
[*] class V mindsend

/s/ {}{{{{{}}}{{}}}
Ima Lifpy

On a less light note, I think (but am not entirely sure--(s)he may be trolling) that this nutcase is serious.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:36 PM

July 01, 2005
Take That, Spielberg

If you're not familiar with the original War of the Worlds radio broadcast, you'll merely find this amusing, albeit a little puzzling. If you are, you'll find it hilarious. (It also helps if you know enough rudimentary Spanish to get the jokes in the song titles.)

I've written about how today's media would report WW II. Now we know how they'd handle an interplanetary invasion:

CARL PHILLIPS: Professor, as we look out and see the Martian mechano-men smashing and blowing up the countryside, I think all America wants to know: why do they hate us?
PROF. PIERSON: That’s a very good question Mr. Phillips, and I’m sure the mechano-men have a number of good reasons. Maybe it is our militarism, our alignment with their Venusian oppressors, or it could be the luxurious liqui-cushioned ride of our Kokomo Mogul 8s. Whatever their reasons, it is important that we get beyond the violence and begin a dialog with the mechano-men...

"Roosevelt Lied! Martian Robots Died!"

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:05 AM

June 17, 2005
Par For The Course

Apparently this isn't the first time that Senator Durbin got a little hyperbolic. He's apparently a serial offender--it's just that no one noticed before. Iowahawk took some time off from his recent problems to dig up prior examples hitherto unknown:

Mr. Hector Gutierrez Gutierrez Bros. Landscaping Arlington, VA
Dear Mr. Gutierrez:

Nothing could have prepared me for the shock that awaited as I exited the front door of my home early Wednesday morning, where I discovered that your lawn crew had cut a swath of environmental destruction across my yard so horrifying that it only can be compared to the Rape of Nanking. I can scarcely bring myself to describe the killing fields that are my North azalea beds and the brutal degradation and torture suffered by the bluegrass around the locust tree by the rear patio.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:50 PM

Under Fire, Durbin Issues Belated Apology

June 17th, 2005

WASHINGTON (APUPI) Amidst growing outrage at his comparisons of US troops to Pol Pot's regime, Nazis and Stalin's gulag, Illinois Senator Richard Durbin backed off from his earlier comments today, reading from a prepared statement outside his office that he hadn't meant to directly compare the situations:

"I now realize that my comments unjustly slandered many people in southeast Asia and other places who were, like the Democratic Party, simply trying to create a better and more equitable society, and did not intend to compare what they did to the horrific atrocities that were occurring, and continue to occur, in Guantanamo. I wish to deeply apologize to those, like International A.N.S.W.E.R, who properly took umbrage at such an odious equivalence. I hope that this apology will finally lay this issue to rest."

He refused to take any further questions.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:17 AM

June 16, 2005
For Howard Dean (Non) Fans

Here's a great roundup of cartoons.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:42 AM

June 14, 2005
World Outraged At Brutal Minnesota Death Camps

January 13, 1945

MINNEAPOLIS (Routers) The Roosevelt administration reeled today from new revelations of atrocities at POW camps in America's heartland, where German and Italian prisoners have been worked to exhaustion, and many have died. Amid rising calls to shut the camps down, the international community has expressed shock at news of the harsh treatment of the Axis prisoners, eliminating any pretense at moral underpinnings for our war efforts in the Pacific and western Europe.

Produce Farms of Death

For many, the lachrymose ordeal begins when the prisoners first arrive, as they are housed in an onion-drying shed on the Odegard Farm in Isanti County. Many deaths have been reported, as some of the new arrivals are killed by the veteran prisoners, perhaps while camp guards simply look the other way.

But if they survive the first few days, new horrors are in store for them. There have been reports that prisoners were forced to toil in the fields for eleven-hour days, from seven in the early morning, until the late evening at 6 PM. For this, they get only three dollars a day, with no overtime pay. Thus, the local farmers are benefiting in this cruel war from what many say is tantamount to slave labor. Harvesting potatoes and onions in the fields of despair, they come back to their harsh camps each evening, in tears from the onion fumes (a chemical weapon precursor), dirt and "tater" skins under their fingernails, their lives an unending slog of spud-infested misery.

An Archipelago Of Torture

There is no relief for the POWs when they return to barracks. In the long hot, muggy summer twilight, the mosquitos come. Dubbed "swamp eagles" by the locals, they feast like locusts on the flesh and blood of the brutalized men who dare to venture out beyond the safety of screens in their rough-hewn cabins.

There have been claims, so far unsubstantiated, that some prisoners have been cruelly tortured, often kept awake at night by camp guards playing the Andrews Sisters on the radio. Some of them were made the butt of jokes, and forced to put womens' nylons on their heads. One poor wretch was reportedly given repeated wedgies by the camp staff until he would reveal the words to all of the verses of "Lili Marlene."

But sadly, this goes beyond physical deprivation and hardship--the prisoners' spirituality has often been attacked as well. In many cases, the Germans' beliefs have been ridiculed by their unfeeling captors, with one man's copy of "Mein Kampf" reportedly torn up by an angry prison guard. Some claim that Adolf Hitler's picture is used as a dart board at some of the camps, in plain view of the prisoners. There have also been failed attempts to deprive them of their own cultural traditions, forcing them to conform to midwestern mores, with severe punishments for using the word "scheisse," instead of "uff da."

The situation at the Odegard "Death Farm" isn't unique--such conditions reputedly apply across many camps throughout the upper midwest. Olivia, Owatonna, Montgomery, all the way out to Algona, Iowa--like Manzanar, the formerly bucolic names may now go down in history as a vast network of brutal work camps that will shame America for the rest of its existence.

Good Hamburgers

The administration, of course, attempts to defend the camps.

The commanding officer claimed that "...the Italian POWs in Princeton drew illustrations, carved wood and played sports, including baseball and soccer. The POWs cooked their own meals and some visitors sampling the POWs’ hamburger patties pronounced them the 'best hamburger sandwiches they had ever eaten.'"

"Some of them even were allowed to occasionally sneak out to a county fair, and even mix with some of the local women. And a little more than hugging was going on, if you know what I mean," he said.

But even if true, some say that this just raises even more the issue of cultural sensitivity, with Italian mens' aversion to buxom, blonde Nordic women being well established.

"Besides," said the head of the ICRC, which has been investigating the situation, "many of these men were irresponsibly allowed access to alcohol and cigarettes with their earnings. Who will take responsibility for the long-term effects on their health?"

Some defenders of the administration claim that the POWs in the US are treated better than any in the world, citing death marches and beheadings in the Pacific, and poor conditions in German camps, in which Jewish prisoners are separated out and shipped off to work camps or worse. But critics say that this is no excuse for our own behavior, and that we must set the highest possible standard.

A World Aghast

The German government expressed outrage at the reported treatment of its prisoners, and their beliefs. "National Socialism is an ideology of peace, regardless of all of the warfare and murder perpetrated in its name," sputtered the German ambassador. "We demand that our prisoners be treated in full compliance with the Geneva Conventions, and that the Fuehrer's book be given the appropriate respect." There have been rumors, unsubtantiated so far, that when news of the book desecration reached Berlin and Dusseldorf, there were massive riots, with many deaths.

Senior staffers at the State Department, on background, said that this couldn't help in our efforts to maintain our vital alliances, or in the effort to gain new ones. "This is the kind of thing that makes it necessary for us to go it alone against Germany and Japan, with no allies except for second-rate countries like England, Australia, and Canada," he said. "No decent country, like Soviet Russia, will want to stay on the same side as us when we behave like this."

"We're losing the hearts and minds of the Axis countries, and the war effort is doomed to failure unless we can reverse this."

[Update at 6 PM EDT]

I should add, with apologies to Iowahawk. This is one that he should have written, and would have done it much better if he had, but he's otherwise occupied. Send him your best wishes.

[Wednesday morning update]

Joe Katzman has a couple more serious, but related posts.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:00 AM

June 09, 2005
Well That's An Earth-Shattering Breakthrough

The Israelis have discovered sarcasm.

I guess I need a "Sarcasm" category.

Actually, this part puzzled me a little:

However, she noted that the research threw little light on the popular national stereotypes of the English as highly sarcastic and the Americans as totally lacking in irony.

I recall a survey in the Economist several years ago, when they had a little vignette of a description by a member of the foreign service about a certain African (or some other Third-World) country. He apparently said, with face straight, that the problem with the place was that the people there "lacked a sense of irony."

But I didn't know they thought that was the case here, or that such a stereotype exists. I do think that Brits tend to have a more ironic, drier sense of humor (droll, if you will), but that doesn't mean that we don't do it in America. If she thinks that Americans aren't sarcastic, she's never been to New York. Or Boston.

[An update]

It reminds me of the old joke about the Soviet Russian, the American, the Ethiopian, and an Israeli (don't ask me why). A reporter runs up to them, and asks, "Excuse me, what 's your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Ethiopian asks "What's meat"?

The American asks, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian asks, "What's an opinion?"

The Israeli asks, "What's this 'Excuse me'?"

Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:38 PM

May 17, 2005
Culture Of Death And Violence

In the midst of all the foofaraw over Newsweek's eagerness to libel the Bush administration, Iowahawk has a story that's been much less reported:

The debris-strewn streets of this remote Midwestern hamlet remain under a tense 24-hour curfew tonight, following weekend demonstrations by rock- and figurine-throwing Lutheran farm wives that left over 200 people injured and leveled the Whippy Dip dairy freeze. The rioting appeared to be prompted, in part, by a report in Newsweek magazine claiming military guards at Spirit Lake’s notorious Okoboji internment center had flushed lutefisk down prison toilets. Newsweek’s late announcement of a retraction seems to have done little to quell the inflamed passions of Lutheran insurgents in the region, as outbreaks of violent mailbox bashings and cow tippings have been reported from Bowbells, North Dakota to Pekin, Illinois...
...News of the desecration spread quickly from Iowa to the Dakotas to Minnesota and Wisconsin, fanned by radio soybean reports and Lutheran clerics in fiery pancake breakfast sermons. Soon, enraged farm wives, clad in their traditional sweater vests and Disney jackets, had taken to the streets and begun a wild spree of destruction, overturning hundreds of rusty Blazers and Pontiac Grand Ams and hurling flaming Lladro porcelain figurines. Decorah was particularly hard-hit, as a frenzied throng of ululating Iowa women were seen looting needlepoint geese and rabbit tchotchkes from a Victorian craft shop. In a chilling moment caught on Army night vision cameras, their plus-size leader urges the mob to attack the near-by Pamida.

“Ya, you betcha!” came the chant of her enraged coreligionist...

...“It is important that we remember that Lutheranism is a religion of peace,” said Army spokesman Maj. Richard Lehrman. “And we need to remember to avoid insensitive behavior and remarks that will cause these peaceful Lutherans to go on another bloody killing rampage.”

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:00 AM

May 06, 2005
Why I'm Not On Television

Real experts are too boring.

Sadly, there's a lot of truth to it.

Via Alan Boyle]

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:38 AM

April 13, 2005
New Witnesses Recount Bolton Reign Of Terror

Questions about John Bolton's fitness for representing the US at the United Nations were heightened today as more staffers came forward to describe his chronic abuse of his subordinates and volatile, unpredictable temper, as demonstrated in this Senate testimony:

Q: Frank, could we go back? Could you characterize your meeting with Bolton? Was he calm?
MR. FINGAR: No, he was angry. He was standing up.

Q: Did he raise his voice to you? Did he point his finger in your face?

MR. FINGAR: I don't remember if he pointed. John speaks in such a low voice normally. Was it louder than normal? Probably. I wouldn't characterize it as screaming at me or anything like that. It was more, hands on hips, the body language as I recall it, I knew he was mad.

Well, you can imagine that when I read this, I was simply shocked at the thought of such a monster representing us at Turtle Bay, reinforcing our international image as an out-of-control cowboy, hands on hips, fingers just centimeters from holsters. I decided to interview some other former staffers to see if this frightening incident was just the tip of an iceberg of hot fury. I got a few leads from the DNC, and came up with some pretty juicy stuff.

First, a "Nita Valium" recounted a fearful encounter with the fiend:

TM: So, what prompted the out-of-control incident that you experienced with Mr. Bolton?
NV: I brought some coffee in to him one morning, and accidentally spilled it on his lap, severely scalding his private parts.

TM: And how did he react?

NV: It was just horrible. He stood up, got a napkin to dry off, wiped off his trousers as best he could, and told me in a tone slightly louder than normal, that I should be more careful. I could tell he was on the very verge of shaking his finger at me. He seems like the quiet type at first, but you can tell that under that mustache, he's always smoldering, just like Hitler. You never know when he's going to explode.

TM: Was that the end of it?

NV: Later on, I heard that he had requested that someone else bring him coffee after that. He got his wish--I've never been able to do that again. My promising career as a coffee-bringer-to-John-Bolton has been ruined, and I had to settle for a promotion to a different department.

Another former staffer, "A. Peazement," related the nominee's response upon being informed that the State Department intended to recommend that North Korea be made permanent head of the UN Committee on Human Rights. He still shuddered in fear at the recollection of the incident, though it was years ago:

TM: So, he didn't take it well?
AP: No, not at all. He raised his voice almost a half a decibel, and asked me why.

TM: Did your explanation satisfy him?

AP: Well, he said it did, but you could tell he was seething. His voice had the reasonable, calm sound of someone about to explode with fury and fling sharp and heavy items off the top of the desk at you. He was starting to almost frown at me, and I could tell that he was going to put his hands on his hips any minute, but I managed to get out of the room before he could do it.

This correspondent has to ask: How did this brute manage to work in a federal bureaucracy for so many years, with no apparent consequences? How has this kind of behavior gone so unnoticed for so long? How many more sadistic fiends like this are there out there, waiting to be nominated to some sensitive diplomatic post by this bloodthirsty administration? When can we once again be led by people who have the proper temper, and temperament for power?

Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:26 PM

April 01, 2005
Someone Has Waaaayyyy Too Much Time On His Hands

Heh. Indeed.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:33 PM

March 02, 2005
Finally, Uniformity

Iowahawk has the scoop on the latest judicial implications of the Supreme Court's new legal theories:

"The decision underscores the principle of Federalism by creating uniformity in our notoriously inconsistent state dowry laws," noted Harvard Law professor Lawrence Tribe. "For example, Iowa grooms are entitled to $300 and a two-night honeymoon trip to the Wisconsin Dells, while just across the border in Missouri, grooms only get $200 and a set of air shocks for their TransAm. Thankfully, the Court has brought some sanity to the situation."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:50 AM

January 31, 2005
"Get Out The Non-Vote" Campaign Fails

January 31, 2005

Baghdad (APUPI) For the second time in less than three months, a popular media campaign designed to influence voting patterns has proven impotent, as millions of Iraqis refused to heed heart-felt calls to avoid exercising their franchise this past weekend.

Roughly modeled after the "Vote Or Die!" campaign of hip-hop empresario P. Diddy last fall, like that effort, Musab al "DeCapitan" Zarqawi's campaign to suppress the vote in Iraq seems to have had little effect on voter turnout.

With the thrilling and enervating slogan "Vote And Die!," "DeCapitan" hoped that he could arouse the incipient Iraqi voters, most of whom had never voted before, from their pro-democracy lethargy, and get them out to support his insurgency by continuing to not vote. He was relying on his popularity among former regime supporters and enthusiasts of Al Qaeda, the most recent fad among the young, to keep people of all ages from the polls.

"Our theory was that there was nothing being wrong with P. Diddy's campaign, except that he didn't explain the process, and wasn't graphic enough in the descriptions of exactly how the dying was to be occurring," explained Qarbom al Qarblewi, an al Zarqawi spokesman. "They weren't learning until after the election how fatal this non-voting could be, when it was too late."

He went on to describe the differences between the two campaigns: "In infidel America, you had 'Rock the Vote.' In Iraq we had a campaign called 'Stone the Voter,' in which we promised every infidel with a blue finger who was supporting an unIslamic democracy that they would be buried up to their necks and have stones hurled at their heads until they were dead."

Other ads sponsored by the campaign described beheadings, car bombings, and shootings of anyone who attempted to go out to a voting location. There were even warnings about the deadly nature of blue ink.

But it was all for naught, as the voters turned out in droves, in apparent indifference to the imploring from the charismatic murderer.

Perhaps the most puzzling feature of the failure was that it occurred in the face of so much publicity. The campaign was heavily covered not just by the local media, such as Al Jazeera and the Arab press, but also by the mainstream media of the US, including CNN, Fox and the major networks. They broadcast the al Zarqawi threats on an almost nightly basis, with interviews of enthusiastic non-voters, who swore that they would not be going to the polls out of fear for their lives.

"Unlike P. Diddy, we could not get the support of Senator Clinton for our campaign, but we did get much support from other famous and popular American celebrities, like Michael Moore, as well as locals like Osama bin Laden," explained al Qarblewi. "We're very disappointed, and just can't understand why we couldn't get the message out."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:30 PM

January 25, 2005
The Revolution Continues

Well, at least Iowahawk says that they are still revolting:

We are still revolting because someone needs to be the voice of sanity in AmeriKKKa.
It's time someone else on this campus besides the faculty learns the ugly truth: with every passing day under BushCo, this country creeps farther and farther beyond the ragged edge of mass political madness, into a sickening extremist mobius strip Texas twilight zone of fat, hydra-headed oilmen electrocuting the innocent while money-green puke gushes from their eye sockets across a basketball court covered in Eggo toaster waffles. Until the rest of you awake from your sheeple dream to the reality of this nightmare, we in the campus reality-based resistance will be like the courageous European boy Hans Brinker -- putting our finger in the eroding dyke of Human Rights and shouting out to the world that the Chimperor has no clothes.

Actually, I think that one of his commenters is right. The 'Hawk is slacking off--he probably just cut'n'pasted this from Democratic Underground. It is a gut buster nonetheless.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:45 PM

January 18, 2005
Red Staters In The Mist

Iowahawk has a new, thrilling adventure story about a frightening journey deep into the heart of Jesusland:

After crossing the muddy mud-colored mud of the Missouri river we had finally arrived in Omaha, the last stop before our maps became strictly conjectural. From here on out, until we reached Austin, we would have to rely on our wits and our training in journalism to navigate through hostile red enclaves.
Luckily we stumbled upon a primitive university in Lincoln. We were surprised to encounter a native maiden, Heather, who had taken graduate studies in Lacan and Franz Fanon. She directed us to the cinderblock hut of a kindly Semiotics missionary, Professor Mintz.

"We may be doing the Lord's work here, gentlemen, but the local tribes do not always look kindly on it," he warned. "Last month one of our tenured friars merely told his students that Bush was the anti-Christ, and he was viciously attacked by counterarguments. He was so traumatized he had to report the student to the disciplinary committee."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:05 AM

January 16, 2005
In Midst Of Quagmire, Many Urge Election Delay

October 12, 1864

WASHINGTON (Routers) Amidst continuing insurgent action, and fearing disenfranchisement of a large part of the population and the almost certainty of even greater violence in the months ahead, many are now recommending that next month's Presidential election be delayed until the broken nation can be pacified.

"It's absurd to hold an election when so much of the country is in rebellion, and won't accept its results," said a spokesman for General McClellan's campaign. "This election will be properly viewed as a farce, and simply provide an excuse for the insurgents in the southern and western regions of the country to continue to fight."

Many Democrats are frustrated because they fear that with recent Union atrocities resulting from General Sherman's brutal Atlanta campaign, the voters in the south of the country, which should be largely sympathetic to them and their candidate, will be demoralized and unable to show up at the polls. Moreover, even the "liberated" slaves will continue to support the insurgency in the face of such depravity on the part of the occupiers. To justify their position, they point out that, in fact, the insurgents continue to fight on, making the war seem inevitably unwinnable. Just last week, at Alatoona Pass, they inflicted over 700 Union casualties on General Sherman's troops.

Even parts of the country that the Unionists claim have been pacified remain under threat. Armed insurgents, often inflamed by the ruthless persecution of southern sympathizers, have taken Union men from their homes, whipped them, and on some occasions, shot them. Thousands have been terrorized even in central and southern Illinois. Gangs of rebel sympathizers from Missouri, opportunistic horse thieves and other criminals, and deserters have joined with the Illinois guerillas to threaten entire towns.

In response, both the War Department and the State Department have released a joint statement, claiming that postponing the fall election would only grant an unearned victory to the rebels, and show them that their terroristic tactics can be successful.

"While we understand General McClellan's concern that this election is unwinnable for him in light of recent Union victories--victories, we should add, to which he contributed nothing--delaying the election would be a tragic mistake. For three score and fifteen years, this nation has regularly held elections per the Constitution, in war and in peace. We stand unique in the world in our ongoing commitment to free elections, and letting the people speak. It is all the more important to maintain that unsullied record in the face of the greatest crisis to face our young nation. In fact, we quote the president with an excerpt from an upcoming speech: 'We can not have free government without elections; and if the rebellion could force us to forego, or postpone a national election it might fairly claim to have already conquered and ruined us.'"

This statement has failed to satisfy administration critics. "It's clear that Secretary Stanton never had a plan for the pacification of this region after Sherman's brutal invasion," grumbled an undersecretary at the War Department, who wished to remain nameless.

Others note that it just shows the continuing mistake of going to war on false pretenses. "The president said that this was about keeping the Union together, but with the Emancipation Declaration two years ago, we can now all see that this was a lie, and that it was only an excuse to free slaves, and destroy the southern economy for the benefit of rich northern industrialists," a Copperhead campaign staffer said. "It's unreasonable to think that we will ever be able to defeat this enemy, fighting on their home ground against foreign occupation."

He continued, "...how can we have an election in which large numbers of the electorate are effectively cut off from the political process? All it will do is prolong the day until the nation can coalesce, if that's even ever possible. It would probably be better to simply admit right now that trying to build a country out of so many fractious viewpoints, cultures and religions was a mistake born of ignorance of history."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:48 AM

January 14, 2005
Report Vindicates CBS Reporting

NEW YORK (APUPI) After several months, many thousands of legal hours billed, and several barrels of latte consumed, the independent report on CBS' flawed reporting of the Emperor's new clothes has been released, to the relief of network executives who feared much worse. While several producers have been asked to resign, Dan Rather will continue to report on Imperial fashion, and the report verified that the story may still have been fake, but accurate.

The network had previously reported that the Emperor had a new wardrobe, and provided footage of him walking down the street in it, waving to the crowds. But after a little boy at the anti-Imperial Free Republic website pointed out that the Emperor was, in fact, dressed only in his birthday suit, a media storm broke out over the apparent controversy, putting Dan Rather and his network on the defensive, and resulting in the appointment of an independent commission to discover how such apparent misreporting had happened.

The commission got quickly to work, and investigated the situation in great depth, carefully examining the footage themselves, and visited web sites in which several bloggers had taken pictures of themselves with and without clothing, to demonstrate the difference. They also spent many exhaustive hours viewing and documenting scholarly sites on the internet, as other potential examples of clothesless individuals for comparison.

In addition, they interviewed several clothing experts, one of whom demonstrated himself in a full flesh-colored body suit to show how one could appear to be naked while fully clothed. A self-proclaimed professor of Nude Queer Theory at Berkeley even wrote a dissertation on how it was possible, and even likely, for homophobic audiences to fantasize a nude Emperor out of subliminal fear of the power of the nude male body. This study was roundly criticized by numerous bloggers, particularly when it was revealed that he had no actual credentials other than occasional weekends at nude beaches in Santa Cruz. In any event, it should be noted that no one so far has been able to produce a body suit that exactly replicates the nude look in the same manner as simply taking off one's clothes.

According to the report "...after a thorough scrutiny of the footage of the Emperor's march down the street, it's impossible to find the slightest shred of clothing on him. Closeups show every pore and wrinkle on his body. Moles and other imperfections displayed on the Imperial body during the parade appear to match exactly royal medical records reluctantly supplied to this commission by the palace physician."

The report continues, "...nonetheless, some experts claim that it's possible to be fully garbed and yet appear to be naked, and in the face of conflicting data, we will probably never be able to know for certain whether or not he indeed was wearing any clothes."

The report added, as additional and similar examples of the evidentiary state, that it is similarly impossible to authenticate with certainty whether or not O. J. Simpson murdered his wife, or Americans walked on the moon in 1969, or even whether or not the sun will rise tomorrow.

In addition, despite the fact that the producer of the program coordinated closely with the Imperial clothing industry in the production of the story, including breathless emails that said "I'd give anything to show how fabulous these new clothes are, and show up those skinflints who think that an Imperial wardrobe is a waste of taxpayer funds," and a bumper sticker on her car saying "End Second-Class Royal Threads!," there was no obvious political motivation for the rush to air of the parade.

Beleaguered CBS anchorman Dan Rather took the report as vindication as well. "If it ever, improbably, turns out that the Emperor really wasn't wearing any clothes, I want to be the one to break that story," he exclaimed. "I'd be as anxious as an armadillo in a flak-jacket factory to get that story out."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:59 AM

January 03, 2005
Happy New Year

With the appropriate qualifications, of course.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:58 AM

December 22, 2004
World Outraged By Crude Surrender Response

December 22, 1944

BASTOGNE (Routers) A generous German offer of surrender terms was crudely rebuffed by an American general in this besieged Belgian town today, reinforcing the growing image of America as a brutish cowboy in the OK Corral, and almost certainly dooming it and its inhabitants.

The town has been under attack by German artillery almost since the beginning of the latest successful German offensive six days ago, and has been surrounded by German troops for the past two days. Its only defense has been the US 101st Airborn Division, under the command of General Anthony C. McAuliffe.

At 11:30 AM this morning, the German commander, General Heinrich von Luettwitz of the XLVIIth Armored Corps, sent negotiators in to arrange for the peaceful handover of the town. There are varying stories about what occurred next.

Some say that General McAuliffe's response was a single word--"Nuts!"--a word that the German officer sent to negotiate had trouble translating back to his superiors. Other firsthand reports suggest, however, that the General actually issued a two-word reply, one in the imperative case suggesting that the unfortunate officer have someone engage him unwillingly in activity of a sexual nature, but one that was also more readily and universally understood.

In either case, the negotiations were ended, and with them any prospects for saving the town. As a result of the general's needlessly insulting recalcitrance, the destruction of the town is now all but certain, and the lives of its terrified residents and defenders likely forfeit.

Surprisingly, some have defended the general, pointing out that the value of German surrender offers had been severely debased after the "massacre" of American POWs at Malmedy just five days earlier.

However, back in Washington, many were privately appalled. One State Department official noted that this could only diminish Americans in the eyes of the world as a heartless and base people, who don't understand the exigencies and nuance of war. "General von Luettwitz is a noble aristocrat--not the SS troops at Malmedy, and anyway, we still don't have all the facts on that. That town could have been spared," he went on, "but General McAuliffe put his own ego and stubbornness ahead of the lives of the townspeople and his own men. But then, what do you expect from a hick who went to the University of West Virginia?"

Some at the Pentagon were dismayed as well. "Now we're going to have to risk many more men to go in and save his sorry ass," groaned an undersecretary. "Maybe Patton can do it, in between slapping enlisted men."

The White House had no official comment, but staffers indicated that the general was perfectly justified in light of the Malmedy incident. It was clear that despite his incompetence and rashness, the general continues to have the president's full support, and that the war effort would continue, despite its seeming hopelessness, as the tide of world opinion continues to turn against the nation.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:19 AM

December 17, 2004
War Unwinnable In Face Of Renewed German Offensive

December 17th, 1944

PARIS (Routers) Long-time critics of the Roosevelt administration declared themselves vindicated today, as the Germans began a renewed offensive yesterday in the Ardennes Forest in Belgium, opening a huge hole in the "Allied" lines and throwing back troops for miles, with previously unimaginable US casualties.

Early yesterday morning, eight German armored divisions and thirteen German infantry divisions launched an all-out attack on five divisions of the United States 1st Army. Hundreds of heavy guns, howitzers and multiple-rocket launchers were fired on American positions.

The 5th and 6th Panzer armies, consisting of some eleven divisions, broke through the Loshein Gap against the American divisions protecting the region. The 6th Panzer Army then headed north while the Fifth Panzer Army went south. The latter army attacked the U. S. VIII Corps some 100 miles to the south, which was quickly surrounded, resulting in mass surrenders of unprepared American soldiers. By any reasonable and objective standard, it was an utter military disaster for the "Allied" forces.

It all came as a complete shock to the Roosevelt administration who, rumor has it, had been informed by the head of OSS that the imminent collapse of the German army was a "lead-pipe cinch." This only confirmed reasonable pre-election suspicions that the administration and General Eisenhower were operating on flawed intelligence, and led the nation into an invasion of Europe on clearly false pretenses.

This new setback came amidst continuing problems with the new government in France, installed by the "Allies." Many consider it a puppet, lacking legitimacy, and it has proven itself inept. The situation is chaotic, and "President" De Gaulle has shown himself to be unable to control food riots, or prevent the commission of massacres of former regime loyalists and the German troops who had supported the overthrown legitimate Vichy government. Though elections are promised sometime in the future, there is widespread doubt, given the infighting between FRLs, communists, and Gaullists, that peaceful and orderly elections can be held any time soon or that civil war can be prevented.

Many have pointed out that the troop strength on the continent has been inadequate since the invasion at Normandy last June, and that this only confirmed that. In addition, they say, it didn't help that, due to incompetence at the highest levels, up to the newly installed Secretary of War Hull, many troops died as a result of our own bombs.

"They ignored our warnings about getting embroiled in a quagmire here, and this campaign has been a disaster, from the hundreds killed in training, to the thousands who died on the beaches in France," said an anonymous State Department source. He continued, "We've also shamed ourselves before the world with our reckless policies and atrocities." In the wake of all this, some, off the record, are suggesting that it's time to consider impeachment of the recently reelected president.

Back in Washington, despite lofty rhetoric from the White House about the "liberation" of Europe, many had always been skeptical about the prospects for defeating Germany. As they correctly point out, the Germans are after all defending their homeland, and no matter how bad the alleged depravations of the Nazi regime, all familiar with the German character know that they can be depended on to fight to the death against any foreign invader, no matter how well intentioned. Many of the German dead or captured for the past few weeks have been adolescents, some only fourteen or fifteen years old, with dead, untrained yet willing hands clinging to their rifles. Seeing such images of dedication to the cause, it's difficult for many to believe that victory is possible.

As a result, the new setback has renewed rumbling among some that the time has come to seek an accord with the Nazi regime that could allow a withdrawal from Europe with honor, and not lose any more American troops in a hopeless cause, let alone bog them down for an unforeseeable period of time. "It was Japan that attacked us, not Germany," pointed out a Senate staffer. "We need to focus our resources on the true enemy in the Pacific."

Some staffers on Capitol Hill implied that the timing itself of the offensive was suspicious. "Hitler wanted Roosevelt to be reelected, so that he could continue to fight a war against a sick, senile incompetent. Had he started this offensive before the election back on November 7th, everyone would have seen what a disaster this president has been on foreign policy, and Hitler would have had to confront a young, vibrant Tom Dewey."

Others, representing moderate Democrats, seemed resigned. "We're stuck with a stubborn megalomaniac who's eventually going to have us at war with the rest of the world. How long will our Russian allies put up with this kind of behavior? How can we found or host a 'United Nations' when we ourselves are the author of so much aggression?"

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:00 AM

November 24, 2004
You Don't Want To Be Dan Rather

...when Iowahawk goes after you.

On this Thanksgiving Eve, it is indeed a wonderful life.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:36 PM

November 03, 2004
A Generation Decimated As Non-Voting Youth Die Off In Droves

ANN ARBOR (APUPI) In a catastrophe certain to reverberate throughout American society for decades, millions of the MTV generation have succumbed suddenly in the past twenty-four hours, after ignoring rapper P. Diddy's and Senator Hillary Clinton's frantic warnings over the past weeks.

"I feel like I failed," said the morose musician. "I called millions of young people in the hopes that we could avoid this, but somehow the message just didn't get through."

The unprecedented die-off has resulted in horrific scenes all across the nation. Bodies are stacking up on college campuses, in pizza parlors, malls, and bars, and the older survivors have their hands full keeping up with it. Cruelly, the affliction doesn't always kill. There are many who live, but in a zombie-like state--those who made it to the polling place, but couldn't quite figure out how to work the machines.

Elderly workers, seemingly immune to whatever is causing this, are performing triage and trying to sort those who have been felled by their failure to vote, those who are merely injured but can survive with a rapid administration of provisional ballots, and those Bush supporters who are just sleeping off a bender after celebrating the night before.

Authorities have been unable to estimate the total number of casualties, which continues to grow hourly, but the few survivors are envying the dead. Upon seeing the carnage and contemplating life without their cohorts, many now regret their own votes yesterday, particularly with the loss of their candidate, Senator Kerry.

One young woman stared across a sunny quad full of her former classmates, limbs askew as they fell where they stood, many still clutching their color-coordinated cell phones. There was a dazed look of disbelief in her eyes. "I warned my roommate about what P. Diddy said," she sobbed. "But she wouldn't listen. She said she was too busy, and she didn't know anything about the issues."

"I told her that wasn't important, that what was important was to make her voice heard, no matter how uninformed and incapable of critical thinking she was, but I couldn't get her there, and now it's too late."

"My boyfriend is gone, my candidate lost. Why did I vote? What is there left to live for?"

It's too early to know the full sociological impact of this new holocaust, but it may be similar to Europe in the early twentieth century, when millions of young men were slaughtered in the flower of their youth in the Great War. Except this time, the culling had no gender bias--both young men and young women have been cut down in equal numbers, at least relieving any potential imbalance. Some have even pointed out that there's a silver lining to the dark cloud. The average IQ of the nation is expected to skyrocket almost overnight.

Young Bush voters are saddened, but stoic.

"We have to go on," said one young couple. "We're now the hope of our generation."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:18 PM

October 29, 2004
FEC Launches Investigation Into Al Qaeda

WASHINGTON (APUPI) In response to complaints from the Bush campaign today, the Federal Election Commission has decided to look into the sources of financing for Al Qaeda, to determine if any election laws were broken by the recent video released featuring its leader, Osama bin Laden.

A campaign spokesman claimed that, with all of his harsh criticism of the president, the terrorist leader was clearly supporting the Kerry campaign.

"He may not have explicitly endorsed Senator Kerry, but he clearly skirted the edges of the McCain-Feingold law. Anyone can look at that tape and tell that Osama wants our opponent to win this election," claimed a campaign spokesman.

He went on, "This new Kerry endorsement by yet another world leader is just their latest October surprise, coming just four days before the election. 'Bush lied, we made the terrorists mad, he sat there reading to kids instead of evacuating the trade center,' yada yada yada. They can deny it all they want, but Osama's clearly illegally coordinating with Moveon.org and Michael Moore."

Arousing further suspicion were rumors of cutting-room floor portions of the video that showed bin Laden mocking Bush by accusing him of "outsourcing" his capture to Afghans.

The commission will be investigating whether or not Al Qaeda has properly registered as a 527 corporation, and looking into all potential sources for its funding. It's of particular concern that foreign funds may have poured into this newest anti-Bush group. They will also be following any potential money trails that could lead back to George Soros.

A subpoena will be going out this weekend to an undisclosed location in northeast Pakistan, bin Laden's last known whereabouts, requiring him to provide cancelled checks, bank receipts, email and postal communications between his and other anti-Bush advocacy organizations, cell phone records and other documents that might shed light on potential violations of the campaign finance laws.

A senior Al Qaeda spokesman said in a phone call that they wouldn't accept such a subpoena, though he didn't say whether or not they would simply refuse it, or decapitate the servicer.

"Sheik Osama is very ill and tired, and has no time for such nonsense from The Great Satan," he complained. "We have had no contact with any of the infidels for either campaign," he angrily claimed, to the sounds of Farenheit 911 playing in the background.

Coming so late in the campaign, the investigation is not expected to bear fruit before the election is over (the end of which is now projected by Kerry campaign lawyers to occur sometime in late May, 2006, once all the appeals have been exhausted), but if convicted, bin Laden's organization could be fined up to half a million dollars, and he could serve up to six months in federal prison.

Questions to the Justice Department as to the probability of his serving time with Martha Stewart were unanswered as of this report.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:06 PM

October 27, 2004
Who Will Ask The Last Goose?

Here is the most heart-rending and effective anti-Kerry ad I've seen yet, from a new 527--Swift Geese Veterans For Truth.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:50 AM

October 10, 2004
A Postmodern Eulogy

The contemporary elitist capitalistic racist sexist Francophobic narrative is that Jacques Derrida has undergone the ultimate deconstruction.

But if, as he once suggested, we use postcultural structuralist theory to deconstruct hierarchy, then it could be said that the characteristic theme of this pseudo event is in reality the rubicon of neodialectic bioidentity. In fact, consider this in the context of the fact that he actively promoted the use of predialectic narrative to challenge society, thus contextualising the subject into a neodialectic deconstruction that includes reality as a totality. By this reasoning (bearing in mind that reason is not a road to truth), it could be said that death itself is dead.

Just as Foucault's model of postmaterial patriarchialist theory states that language serves to exploit minorities (and thus serve majorities, such as the dead), so will the inevitability of the ultimate choice, between neodialectic deconstruction and posttextual nihilism.

If one examines predialectic narrative, one is faced with another choice: either accept cultural demodernism or conclude that the significance of the participant, dead or alive, is social comment, given that reality is equal to consciousness, and death is equal to the ultimate unconsciousness. The premise of the capitalist paradigm of discourse suggests that culture is used to entrench outdated, lifeist perceptions of class, including the ultimate oppressed, those no longer even with us, as the current narrative suggests that Derrida is.

Ultimately, that will be his legacy--the destruction of communication, and the decimation of clear thinking in many university English departments.

Here is a memorial website to him and his works.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:20 PM

October 02, 2004
So That's What He Meant

It seems to be a work in progress--the HTML is crude, and the scoring isn't working correctly on the "Coalition" question yet (what do you expect from a UN project?), but I think I've found the Global Test that John Kerry was talking about the other night.

[Update at 5:30 PM EDT]

For those into sixties nostalgia, Iowahawk has dredged up a long-lost script of that old western, Johnny Nuance. I'll bet that guy could have passed the Global Test blindfolded, and with one treaty tied behind his back.

[Sunday afternoon update]

The scoring seems to be working properly on the coalition-building portion of the test now.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:37 AM

September 24, 2004
A Lofty Goal

Andy Borowitz has one for CBS News. It's probably an unfulfillable dream, though.

"After a full investigation of the events leading up to the broadcast of this story, we have concluded that idiots were responsible," said network spokesman Palmer Gravinese. "Consequently, under a new policy of CBS News, idiots will no longer be permitted to participate in the gathering or production of news at CBS."
Adding that the network appeared to be "riddled with idiots," Mr. Gravinese said that CBS had set 2006 as a target for the broadcast giant to be completely idiot-free, but cautioned, "We realize that's an ambitious goal."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:16 AM

September 23, 2004
"My Teleprompter Is Deadly"

Iowahawk has fictionalized (a little) Dan's Unexcellent Adventure. Inspector Rather meets the bloggers.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:46 AM

September 15, 2004
CBS Stands By Imperial Wardrobe Claims

NEW YORK (APUPI) In the face of rising, even overwhelming skepticism, Dan Rather and CBS News refuse to back down from his blockbuster story that the Emperor wore a new set of clothes in last week's parade. His network remains one of the last holdouts from the growing consensus that His Highness was, in fact, ambulating down the street completely naked.

"We choose to believe the numerous eyewitnesses who saw the Emperor's new clothes before they changed their story," explained a CBS spokeswoman.

The imbroglio started last week when Sixty Minutes did a hard-hitting piece on the latest imperial fashion, with extensive footage of the Emperor as he strode down the street, waving to his subjects. Shortly after the piece aired (though NPR, pointing to a plot on the part of the nudity lobby, and being unable to distinguish between time zones, claims that it actually occurred prior to airtime), a small boy put up a post at the anti-imperial Free Republic website claiming that the Emperor was actually not wearing any clothes at all.

"I've been examining the footage of the parade," he wrote, "and if you look carefully, you'll see that almost every square inch of his skin is exposed. It looks to me as though he's not even wearing any underwear, either boxers or briefs. I think that in a couple shots you can actually see his doodle."

It was apparently a thought that hadn't occurred to anyone else, at least at first, and this post didn't receive much attention initially, but a few people started emailing it to some bloggers, who on the next day noted the potential sartorial discrepancy and invited comments from their readership. As others went back to reexamine the CBS footage, the web sites started to become deluged by emails from fashion experts all over the country.

Heated arguments took place on line, with sites like The Daily Kos arguing that the clothes were simply so fine that that they just appeared to be transparent. One commenter at that site named "Joe the Fashion Guy," who claimed to have worked with famous Parisian designer Foofoo LaDerriere, pointed out that it was quite common for celebrities' clothes to present the illusion of nudity. Subsequent investigation, however, determined that he was simply a night watchman in the LA Fashion District.

Some bloggers and other web site owners did their own experiments, taking pictures of themselves with and without clothing, and posting the results to demonstrate the difference. Many of them used animated gifs to offer instant A/B comparisons.

The results ranged from fascinating to frightening, resulting, in some of the latter cases, in charges of grotesque internet obscenity. For additional contrast, some of them demonstrated a state in between, by donning pajamas. The other networks and newspapers started to pick up the story. As a result, over the course of a couple days, it became clear to most non-imperial partisans that His Majesty had suffered a major-league wardrobe malfunction, and that CBS had been snookered.

Despite this, the network and Rather stuck to their guns. They dragged out other footage of prior clothed instances of His Majesty, and noted that even if that particular footage displayed a naked emperor, it didn't matter, since the general story was true. Flanked by the imperial tailors, they also attacked critics as partisan, and opposed to the vital, albeit expensive, imperial clothing budget.

One of the few publications to stand by the network, the Boston Globe, ran a story in which it quoted Mr. Blackwell as saying, "The Emperor was clearly completely and resplendently clothed during the entire event." The famous clothes critic later complained that he was misquoted.

"If by 'completely and resplendently clothed,' they meant 'naked as a jaybird,' then I guess they got the quote correct," he told this correspondent.

"In fact, after examining the footage to be used in the piece, I actually warned CBS that the Emperor wasn't wearing any clothes before it aired, but they didn't pay any attention to me. I told them that I couldn't verify the authenticity or fashionability of clothes that didn't exist, but they chose to go ahead anyway."

Columnist Maureen Dowd at the New York Times tried to help out as well, quoting one of the critics as saying, "I...think...the Emperor was not...naked."

But by the end of the week, the strain was clearly getting to the CBS staff. "Who are you going to believe, me, or your lying eyes?" snarled the veteran anchorman in a brief press conference last week in front of CBS headquarters.

"We don't have to prove that the Emperor was wearing any clothes. It's up to our critics to prove that he wasn't."

Recently, though, there have been some signs that the network may be preparing to back down from some of its more extreme clothing claims. A spokesperson said today that "...we stand by the general theme of our story, and we certainly believed at the time that the Emperor was finely garbed. We believed that the clothes were authentic, and it remains inconclusive whether or not he was actually dressed at that particular point in time."

In related news, the FCC is investigating the long display of nudity during prime time, and is expected to levy fines that make the half-million paid by CBS for the Janet Jackson Superbowl incident look like couch-cushion change.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 04:51 AM

September 12, 2004
Not Quite In Time For The DNC

And Dan Rather.

Microsoft Forger. A product no "ends justify the means" demagogue can do without.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:30 PM

September 10, 2004
The Best Clippie Yet

Can be found here.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:04 PM

Help For Dems From Redmond

"N. TheKnow" at Free Republic has discovered a previously undocumented feature of Microsoft Word (scroll down to the seventh posting).

[Update at 11:21 AM EDT]

Here's another version.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:42 AM

August 24, 2004
After Six Decades, No End To The Quagmire

PARIS (Routers) August 25, 2004

Sixty years after Paris was seized by the "Allies," and the beginning of the American occupation, France remains a failed nation, mired in political corruption and beset by vast pockets of Muslim extremism and anti-semitism, into which the gendarmerie fear to tread. The economy continues to struggle under economic policies driven by failed ideologies, and many of its best and brightest continue to flow out of the country, with only ex-dictators and their families, and hysterical movie stars willing to move there.

Sadly, history has born out the predictions of those who, in the spring of 1944, warned against invading. Many had pointed out what a poor prospect the region was for any kind of democracy, with its long history of belligerence and arrogance, and failed republics.

Noted WW II historian Robert Winthrop pointed out that the occupation got off on the wrong foot from the beginning, when the Americans freely allowed atrocities in the fall of Paris. "In the wake of all the violence and sex that the brutal 'Allies' condoned, it's not surprising that the resentment lives on six decades later."

The corruption of the French government is legendary, with its current president likely avoiding jail only because he's president. The economy continues to limp along, with high unemployment rates, exacerbated by primitive socialistic policies.

The growing Islamic insurgency in the suburbs of the capital and other cities is particularly troubling, and even after six decades of training, it's not clear that the native security forces are up to the job, with many of them refusing to even enter disputed areas.

Many say that, as the US has done with France's similarly failed neighbor Germany, in which many desire a return to communism, it's time to give up and wash our hands of the region.

"Nation building is clearly a failed policy, and we'll have a much more effective foreign policy when we recognize that," said one U.S. State Department official. "At some point one has to realize that there are some places that are simply hopeless, and all we can do is manage them as best we can."

Regardless of the future, in the wake of all their current problems, it is little surprise that the French street views the sixtieth anniversary of the fall of their beautiful capital to western forces as a day of sadness, and hardly one to celebrate.

[Anniversary day update]

Not all have forgotten:

The day was charged with symbolism as France remembered its liberators, from American soldiers who backed a French division, clinching victory, to communist Resistance members in the vanguard of the underground fight.

And there's this:

President Jacques Chirac, in an address at Paris City Hall, urged "vigilance" by younger generations in dealing with present-day manifestations of "this hate of the other, still at work, the most somber face of the human soul."
The president was referring to racist-inspired acts plaguing today's France, including anti-Semitic attacks.

Good for him.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 04:22 PM

July 23, 2004
New Bush Scandal

Iowahawk has the scoop:

Daschle also called for immediate Senate hearings into the deepening Timingate affair, chaired by Massachusetts Senator John Kerry. The proposal brought a tepid response from Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN), prompting many to suspect that congressional Republicans were coordinating a 'stonewall' campaign to contain further scandal damage to Bush.
It is unclear how long such stonewalling efforts will succeed, as press interest in the scandal has picked up momentum over the past 48 hours. On Thursday, the CBS Evening News reported over 20 separate allegations of suspicious GOP behavior, while the New York Times is set to release a 20,000 word piece on Sunday detailing recent cases of suspicious GOP timing, with timelines showing a suspicious pattern of suspected charges of suspiciously timed alleged charging.

While space constraints limited coverage of the actual charges, Times editor Bill Keller promised the report will be "Pulitzer bait."

"The article is important because it illustrates how the Republican smear machine uses dubiously timed charges to manipute a gullible press in order to further its political agenda," said Keller. "It also importantly illustrates how the Kerry campaign is reached at 1-866-455-3779, and also gives vivid details how [a] contribution to it will be highly appreciated, and provides readers with insight about how their donation can be charged to Master Card, Visa or American Express."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:28 PM

July 19, 2004
We Didn't Really Go To The Moon

In honor of tomorrow's anniversary, former (and hopefully, future) space historian Dwayne Day, looking quite jaunty in his newly made Reynolds-Wrap yarmulke, has dredged up the proof, and the truth.

He left out the key elements, though--the Freemasons and Illuminati.

Bare headed, he also has the interesting and relatively unknown story of Jim Webb's phantom rocket.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:28 PM

July 02, 2004
Saddam Gets New Attorney, Seeks Change Of Venue

July 7, 2004

BAGHDAD (APUPI) Accused mass murderer and tyrant Saddam Hussein has hired Mark "Attorney-to-the-Extremely-Guilty" Geragos to defend him in his upcoming trial. As his first act, Mr. Geragos immediately filed with the court for a change of venue, on the grounds that it would be impossible for Mr. Hussein to get a fair trial in Iraq, a place in which he is widely known, and has been for decades.

"Go out in the street, and try to find someone who hasn't heard of Saddam Hussein, or who is unfamiliar with this case," he demanded. "Every family in Baghdad claims to be able to recount some horror story of a friend or relative who was supposedly imprisoned and tortured or murdered, ostensibly at the orders of my client. How are we supposed to find an impartial jury here?"

When asked if he had any suggestions for a new location, he replied, "It's pretty tough, given all the bad press Mr. Hussein has received all over the world, for years. I guess my preference would be to move the trial to Redwood City to reduce my commute time. It would also provide a useful contrast with my other clients, Scott Peterson and Michael Jackson. I mean, compared to Saddam, a child molestor and uxoricidal sociopath don't look all that bad."

"But if we can't move it to California, then perhaps we could get a better hearing in France."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:57 PM

June 20, 2004
President Announces Controversial New Educational Initiative

LOS ANGELES (APUPI) June 20, 2004

Standing in front of the Los Angeles Times building on Spring Street and surrounded by aides, President Bush put forth a new and long-overdue proposal today, to the cheers of thousands of long-suffering readers of that paper, to start to repair the tragic situation with the American journalism system. He called it "No Reporter Left Behind."

"For too many years have we seen the sad evidence accumulating that our nation's media outlets and journalism schools simply aren't achieving what they must for our nation to maintain its first-place ranking in freedom of speech and a properly informed public," he declared. "Compared to journalists of a few decades ago, today's reporters show an increasing inability to comprehend simple English or basic statistics, to exercise logic, or to even recognize that they're Americans."

"Now, many accuse the media of bias against my administration, but I don't believe that. I'm here to change the tone in Washington and the nation, and I refuse to engage in such accusations. I'm sure that journalists are well meaning. As a compassionate conservative, it's clear to me that they simply haven't been given the education and training that they so desperately need, and we need to help them and their hardworking editors."

The president went on to illustrate the growing problem.

"Certainly, we're all familiar with the examples of journalistic incompetence that seem to be increasing almost daily."

"Even after a great number of speeches and explanations, many reporters still don't seem to understand why we are at war, or are able to even comprehend the fact that we are at war. There's a concept in logical argument, called a 'straw man,' in which the debater sets up a weak argument that was never made, but pretends that his opponent did, and then knocks it down, pretending to have somehow won the argument."

"The press, many of whom seem to suffer from attention-deficit disorder, seem to have trouble focusing on my stated reasons for this war, instead being easily distracted by these kinds of strawman arguments."

"For instance, many of the slower journalists continue to mistakenly claim that, because we haven't yet found stockpiles of WMD in Iraq, the threat from Saddam wasn't imminent, and that the war therefore wasn't justified. This despite the fact that I never used imminence as a justification for the war, and in fact clearly said that the threat wasn't imminent, but that we couldn't wait until it was."

"They then claim that I somehow implied that the threat was imminent, even though I explicitly denied it. They clearly lack the ability to comprehend not just written English, but spoken English as well."

"Had these slow journalists been held back until they understood logic and basic reading and listening comprehension, instead of simply being promoted up to some other assignment, some of the mistakes of the past few days might have been avoided. For example, just last week, this newspaper and many others reported that the 911 Commission had shown that there were no ties between Saddam and Al Qaeda, and that, again, this had somehow taken away a justification for liberating the Iraqi people from Saddam's tyranny."

"The facts, of course, are that the 911 commission only stated that there was no involvement of Saddam with 911, and the commission members themselves have said that there's little distance between our position and theirs. This is, of course, irrelevant to justification for removing Saddam, since we have never claimed that Saddam was involved with 911, and in fact we've taken pains to make clear that we had no evidence to that effect, and we've never used that as a justification for removal."

"These are just a couple examples of a much larger and broader problem."

"We've all seen the damage that policies of social promotion do to promising young people like Jayson Blair, who was simply passed along from assignment to assignment without having to demonstrate the ability to meet the most basic standards of ethics."

"We've seen too, the damage caused to journalists by award inflation, in which they get gold stars, or Oscars, or Runyons and Pulitzers for sub-par work. It gives them a false sense of achievement, and inhibits their ability to truly progress. We do them no favors by falsely boosting their self esteem, to the point that they are given honors of which they can't even comprehend the significance."

"We can no longer afford to sweep such tragic incompetencies under the carpet. This ongoing deterioration of reportage is having seriously debilitating effects on our nation's health, on its economy, and its national security. In many important, and frightening, ways, our reporters are our future. If a foreign power had somehow foisted upon us such a system of news reporting, in the same way that we've somehow done it to ourselves voluntarily, we would justly consider it an act of war."

Turning around and pointing at the building behind him, he intoned, "On this day, I stand here in front of one of the foremost symbols of that failure, a poster child for shoddy journalism, to announce a major new federal program to start to address this looming crisis. For details, I'd like to introduce Rod Paige, my Secretary of Education."

Secretary Paige stepped up to the microphone, and after thanking the president, laid out a new proposal of federal assistance to journalism outlets and schools of journalism.

"The president's new program is two-pronged. We all recognize that early education is key so, modeling Head Start, we're developing a curriculum for the schools of journalism to emphasize the basics--math, science, logic. In order to encourage the use of our curriculum, we will be issuing federal grants to these institutions, up to ten percent of their annual budget, as long as the student's test scores show improvement."

"In addition, we are going to set up a mentoring program with local bloggers, so that these aspiring reporters can learn how to do research and fact check."

"The second prong of our proposal is to provide grants to media organizations as well. Like the grants for the journalism schools, this will be a ten percent solution, through which, in exchange for providing them with a trifling amount of money, we will dictate reporting standards from Washington. Some of this funding will be earmarked to provide adequate dosages of Ritalin in the water systems, to help the journalists stay focused on the actual justifications for the war, and minimize distractions by red herrings."

"We've had a pilot program for years with PBS and NPR, but it clearly needs to be restructured before we expand it to other press organizations. There have been no strings attached to the taxpayers' funds, or accountability. This appalling situation has to end."

In response to a question from the audience as to why a media organization or journalism school would be willing to sacrifice its autonomy for a small amount of its operating budget, he replied, "It's a mystery, but it seems to work quite well for the public school system, and many of these people are products of that system, so we expect to quickly get most of them on board."

Reaction to the proposal from the media itself was mixed.

Many members of the press in attendance seemed elated at the thought that their plight had been recognized, and that the government was finally going to help them. All had seen, and many had participated in the many documentaries about the growing problem. They, like much of the public, had viewed the sad images of rooms full of reporters scratching their heads over global warming theories, and the Bill of Rights, struggling to accomplish such seemingly simple tasks as distinguishing an automatic from a semi-automatic weapon.

Others, though, were skeptical. "It's not a problem that can be solved by just throwing money at it," said one editor. Another woman in attendance, a professor at the USC School of Journalism, expressed concern that budding reporters would be "taught to the test," and unable to properly focus on critical areas such as Lacanian metacontexts of transgressive gender oppression.

No reporters from the LA Times seemed to be present, having all been assigned to dig up fresh dirt on Governor Schwarzenegger. In response to a question from the LA Daily News as to whether he thought that this seeming attack on California's largest newspaper might cause them to further increase their support for Senator Kerry and damage his electoral prospects in the fall, the president replied, "I don't know. You might want to ask Governor Davis about that."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:22 AM

March 30, 2004
A Breath Of Fresh Air

March 31, 2004

MILWAUKEE (APUPI) Fresh from their victories over smoking in California, New York City, and Ireland, activists in the war for clean public air have opened up the next front, demanding that flatulence be outlawed in restaurants and bars.

"The research results are still coming in, but it's common sense that second-hand methane is a clear public health hazard," said Chastity Titeass, a spokeswoman for the most prominent anti-flatulence group.

"Odorless my ass," chimed in one of the other members of the group, holding her nose, under her breath.

"Despite the unscientific recommendations of the bean and broccoli lobby, it clearly wasn't sufficient to simply set up farting and no-farting sections in the restaurants. The oppressed waitpersons were almost unable to breath when they had to attend to the customers in the designated flatulence zones."

In response to this public pressure, the city council passed a new law last week, totally banning flatulence in all Milwaukee public eating and drinking establishments, including the restrooms.

The issue wasn't confined merely to air quality.

Other concerns were raised to the forefront a couple months ago, in the disastrous explosion at the Guaymas Mexican seafood restaurant on the west side of town, which injured dozens of people. A birthday party had been in progress for hours, with ample helpings of frijoles and Monterey Jack, in the hermetically sealed flatulence area.

When the waitress brought in an octogenarian birthday cake, with the requisite number of candles, it resulted in a sudden explosion. It blew out the walls, and expelled many of the diners out into the alley. Repairs are estimated to be in the tens of thousands of dollars.

As a result, the city council decided that a complete ban of enclosed-area emissions was the only solution that would ultimately satisfy public safety concerns.

In a town renowned for its beer and cheese, the new restrictions have hit the bars particularly hard.

"I don't care what those environmentalist wackos say," said Joe Peeusky, a local tavern owner for three decades. His business is down by two thirds since the new law has been passed.

"My customers come here to relax. They want to have a brewski, eat some pretzels, let it hang out, relax. Know what I mean? They're not going to want to go outside when...things happen."

A patron agrees.

"I know it's a disgusting habit, but what are you gonna do? I just can't go that long without it."

"I've been passing gas as long as I can remember. We all did it, ever since we were young. There was a lot of peer pressure when I was a kid--we used to have contests, for decibels and stench, and sometimes, flame length and duration. You get together after school, and the word is, you know, 'light 'em up.' Now I'm really hooked."

He continued, "I tried quitting once. I got really agitated. I was really hard to live with."

"I also gained a lot of weight. Yeah, I know, you can't see it on the scales, but I swelled up like the Goodyear blimp on steroids. I just couldn't kick the habit."

He's not alone.

It's a tragically pitiful and, at the same time, repugnant sight to see groups of customers huddled outside the doors of the city's bars and restaurants, indulging in their repellent and seemingly unnatural urges. The sounds of their gaseous expellations resonate across the ancient brick fronts of the buildings, and the pungent, almost suffocating aroma slowly drifts down the windless street, a testament to a vile and uncontrollable addiction.

"They don't have to go through this," says Ron Blowhardt, the local head of Flatulaholics Anonymous. "A combination of Beano and our twelve-step program can allow them to eat a full meal in a restaurant, without the need to duck outside. The important thing is to acknowledge that you have no power, to submit yourself to a higher authority, which is to say, eensy weensy bacteria in your guts, so small you can barely see them with a microscope."

In the meantime, Ms. Titeass is excited about the next battles in this new front in the war for public air quality.

"We're going after the airlines," she said. "People have to sit in a small confined volume for hours with this. They found out that no smoking sections didn't work there, and no farting sections won't either. In fact, I'll bet that once they see the reduction in maintenance costs on their air filters, they'll adopt it even without legislation. Sure, people might have to step outside occasionally at thirty-five thousand feet, but that's their choice. No one's holding a gun to their head to make them...do this."

Her ultimate goal?

"I think that it's outrageous that NASA thinks that astronauts on their way to Mars for many months should have to put up with such disgusting habits. We'll make sure that they won't go until they've solved the problem. Anyway, from what I hear, there's already enough methane up there."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:46 PM

March 10, 2004
Local Democrats Stunned By Buchanan Upset

Since I'm down here in Pompano Beach, and Glenn says we should do some local reporting, I thought I'd pass on the following.

March 10, 2004

BOCA RATON, FL (APUPI) Democrat officials in south Florida are still trying to understand the unexpected defeat of Democrat front-runner John Kerry by the former Republican and Reform Party candidate Patrick J. Buchanan in yesterday's Florida primary. Validating what some had seen as an early trend in the 2000 presidential election, Mr. Buchanan came in first in Palm Beach, Broward and Dade counties.

One Palm Beach County party official's perplexity was typical.

"At least the last time, the voters had the excuse that Pat was on that confusing butterfly ballot. But we got rid of that ballot design for this election, and he wasn't even on it for the primary. He's been a presidential candidate of lots of political parties, but I don't think he's ever been a Democrat. We're really scratching our heads till they're bloody and infected here."

Some, however, point out that, while the dislike of local Democrats for the president (the governor's brother) is even more visceral than in the rest of the country due to the controversy of the 2000 election, there is no fervor among Florida Democrats for John Kerry. "Anyone who looked more attractive than Kerry, but could still beat Bush had a good shot, even as a write-in," explained one analyst. "It doesn't surprise me at all."

"In fact," he continued, "if Buchanan can't beat Kerry, I think we ought to run a dead guy, like we did in Missouri for Senator. He'd be more exciting than Kerry, and his positions would be more consistent. Dead people of all parties have been voting Democrat for years--I say that it's about time that we made one president."

A more typical voter who apparently prefers his candidates above room temperature, Herb Flannery of Deerfield Beach enthused, "Buchanan was opposed to globalization before it was cool, he opposed the war in Iraq, he's always criticizing Bush. He stands up for the little guy, he's got charisma, and you know where he stands. He gives great speeches, too."

"He's kind of like Jesse Jackson, except not as black. Or as corrupt."

"Let's face it, once people start to really get to know John Effing Kerry, he's really charred toast. But Pat Buchanan is a dream nominee for Democrats this year."

According to Ellen Schmuel Levi at the B'Nai B'rith in Boynton Beach, there had been many support rallies outside synagogues up and down the coast. Many of the local residents had reportedly decided to show their support for "Pitchfork Pat" by driving their Cadillacs and Towncars up and down the A1A highway very slowly, with a single turn signal perpetually on, all through election day. It wasn't clear how effective the demonstration had been, however, because long-time residents were hard pressed to distinguish it from normal traffic.

The support from the local Jewish community seemed at first particularly shocking to many, given Buchanan's history of veiled anti-semitic comments, but the enthusiasm seemed just as high at Nate's, a busy deli in Lauderdale By The Sea.

"Israel, schmizrael," one patron exclaimed. "So he doesn't support Israel. Our party hasn't supported Israel in years--we're used to it. The important thing is, we're Democrats."

Questioned about Mr. Buchanan's hints about the Jewish cabal that secretly pulls the strings in the government, Hollywood and the media, local beach metal-detector prospector Saul Weinstein was nonchalant, between sips of his egg cream.

"At least he gives us our due. And since when has being anti-semitic been a problem for Democrats? I should laugh till I pee my pants."

"Remember Jesse 'Hymietown' Jackson? And how about that guy that Hillary screamed at and called 'a schtupping Jew bastard.' Well, she didn't say 'schtupping.' She used a shiksa word for it."

"Anyway, who's perfect? You want I should vote on such narrow issues when we have Hitler in the White House? Hey, pro-semitic, anti-semitic, it's all good."

In an interview by telephone, Mr. Buchanan was pleasantly surprised to hear the unexpected news.

"I am always prepared to serve when my nation calls," he said. "If we can sustain the excitement I sense in 'hanging chad country,' we can carry this insurgent campaign on to Texas and other states, and try to catch up with Mr. Kerry before it's too late."

"I have experience in being the nominee of a troubled, fractious and confused political party. Sadly, that party is no more, so I welcome the opportunity to do so again, in hopes of better results."

"I call on my newfound fellow Democrats to take up the pitchforks and torches, and lock and load for America."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:17 PM

March 05, 2004
Victims' Relatives Upset By Presidential Campaign Ad

July 8, 1944

WASHINGTON DC (Routers)

Several relatives of those lost in the tragic attack on Pearl Harbor, two and a half years ago, have expressed shock and outrage over use of attack footage in a presidential campaign newsreel.

Just released to movie theatres in the wake of the recent nomination of New York Governor Thomas Dewey to run against President Roosevelt this fall, the ads were clearly intended to have a "morning in America" theme, playing up the Roosevelt administration's accomplishments. These include ongoing success in the "war on Nazi terror" and against Shinto extremism.

The newsreels seemed designed to capitalize on the recent Normandy invasion, which has provided an allied foothold in France, and in the recent air/naval victory in the Phillippine Sea, which allowed the US to break the Japanese inner defenses with the capture of the Marianas. The administration believes that these events, along with the news that the Japanese are starting to retreat from Burma, provide an opportunity to frame a positive message before the Dewey campaign has time to define itself.

But not all view the newsreels positively.

"I lost a son on the Arizona," said Lucille Whinehardt, in town from Sioux Falls to protest. "I was sitting in the theatre, waiting to see 'The Song of Bernadette,' when the campaign reel came on, and I had to relive his loss."

"I go to the movies to escape, not to watch his ship sinking and burning over and over again."

"It's absolutely inappropriate," said Marian Davis, who lost her brother, Ned Flewelling, and leads Never Again, a group for victims' families. "There are certain memories and certain images that I consider sacred."

Doris Kelly, of Bakersfield, CA, whose husband, John, died in the attack, said Roosevelt should not use the tragedy as "political propaganda."

"Hundreds of innocent soldiers were murdered on President Roosevelt's watch," she said.

Media critics agree that the newsreel campaign is very insensitive to the feelings of the victims. In addition, the US Chamber of Commerce, which has endorsed Mr. Dewey, has passed a resolution demanding that the Roosevelt administration pull the newsreels immediately.

The Roosevelt campaign is defending the ads, however.

"December 7th changed the equation in our public policy. It forever changed the world," said the White House press secretary. "The president's steady leadership is vital to how we wage war on Japan and Germany."

Some of the victims' families agree.

"These images honor those whose lives were lost," said Mildred Farnsworth, whose brother, James, died on the battleship Oklahoma. Proudly wearing her "Remember Pearl Harbor" button, she continued, "I guess some people just don't want to be reminded that we are at war."

Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:06 AM

July 28, 2003
Administration In Crisis Over Burgeoning Quagmire

August 12, 1945

WASHINGTON DC (Routers) President Truman, just a few months into his young presidency, is coming under increasing fire from some Congressional Republicans for what appears to be a deteriorating security situation in occupied Germany, with some calling for his removal from office.

Over three months after a formal declaration of an end to hostilities, the occupation is bogged down. Fanatical elements of the former Nazi regime who, in their zeal to liberate their nation from the foreign occupiers, call themselves members of the Werwolf (werewolves) continue to commit almost-daily acts of sabotage against Germany's already-ravaged infrastructure, and attack American troops. They have been laying road mines, poisoning food and water supplies, and setting various traps, often lethal, for the occupying forces.

It's not difficult to find antagonism and anti-Americanism among the population--many complain of the deprivation and lack of security. There are thousands of homeless refugees, and humanitarian efforts seem confused and inadequate.

In the wake of the budding disaster, some have called for more international participation in peacekeeping.

A Red Cross official said that, "...the German people will be more comfortable if their conquerors weren't now their overlords. It makes it difficult to argue that this wasn't an imperialistic war when the occupying troops in the western sector are exclusively American, British and French."

The administration, of course, claims that, given the chaos of the recent war, such a situation is to be expected, and that things will improve with time. As to the suggestion to internationalize the occupying forces, the administration had no official comment, but an unofficial one was a repetition of the quote from General McAuliffe, when asked to surrender in last winter's Battle of the Bulge--"Nuts."

In an attempt to minimize the situation, a White House spokesman pointed out that the casualties were extremely light, and militarily inconsequential, particularly when compared to the loss rates prior to VE Day. Also, the attacks seem to be dying down with each passing month. But this statement was leaped upon by some as heartless, trivializing the deaths and injuries of young American men.

Many critics back in Washington seem now to be prescient, with their previous warnings of just such an outcome a little over a year ago.

One congressman said that "...it's time to ask whether the German people are better off now than they were a few months ago. Yes, a brutal dictator has been deposed, but at least the electricity and water supply were mostly working, and the trains running on time. After years of killing them and destroying their infrastructure with American bombs, it seems to me that the German people have suffered enough without the chaos that our occupation, with its inadequate policing, is bringing."

It's not clear how much support the Werwolf has among the populace, who may be afraid to speak their true minds, given the fearfully overwhelming "Allied" presence in the country. But it is possible that, like the guerilla forces themselves, the people have been inspired by Propaganda Minister Josef Goebbels' pre-victory broadcasts, and those of Radio Werwolf.

"God has given up the protection of the people . . . Satan has taken command." Goebbels broadcast last spring. "We Werewolves consider it our supreme duty to kill, to kill and to kill, employing every cunning and wile in the darkness of the night, crawling, groping through towns and villages, like wolves, noiselessly, mysteriously."

While no new broadcasts of Goebbels' voice have been heard since early May, no one can be certain as to whether he is alive or dead, and continuing to help orchestrate the attacks and boost morale among the forces for German liberation. As long as his fate, and more importantly, that of the former leader Adolf Hitler himself, remains unresolved, the prospects for pacifying the brutally conquered country may be dim.

Although Grand-Admiral Donitz made a radio announcement of Hitler's brave death in battle to the beleaguered German people on the evening of May 1, some doubt the veracity of that statement, and there has been no evidence to support it, or any body identified as the former Fuehrer's. Rumors of his whereabouts continue to abound, including reported sightings as far away as South America. Many still believe that he is hiding with the "Edelweiss" organization, with thousands of Wehrmacht troops, in a mountain stronghold near the Swiss border.

Many have criticized flawed intelligence for our failure to find him, causing some, in the runup to next year's congressional elections, to call for an investigation.

A staffer of one prominent Senator said, "For months, starting last fall, we were told by this administration that Hitler would make a last stand in a 'National Redoubt' in Bavaria. General Bradley diverted troops to the south and let the Russians take Berlin on the basis of this knowledge. But now we find out that there was no such place, and that Hitler was in Berlin all along. And now we're told that we can't even be sure of where he is, or whether he's alive or dead."

For many, marching in the streets with signs of "No Blood For Soviet Socialism," and "It's All About The Coal," this merely confirmed that the administration had other agendas than its stated one, and that the war was unjustified and unjustifiable.

General Bradley's staff has protested that this is an unfair criticism--that the strategic decision made by General Eisenhower was driven by many factors, of which Hitler's whereabouts was a minor one, but this hasn't silenced the critics, some of whom have bravely called for President Truman's impeachment, despite the fact that most of these decisions were made even before he became president in April.

But some have taken the criticism further, and say that failure to get Hitler means a failed war itself.

"Sure, it's nice to have released all those people from the concentration camps, but we were told we were going to war against Hitler, even though he'd done nothing to us," argued one concerned anti-war Senator. "Now they say that we have 'Victory in Europe,' but it seems to me that if they can't produce the man we supposedly went to war against, it's a pretty hollow victory. Without this man that they told us was such a great threat to America, how can even they claim that this war was justified?"

Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:31 PM

April 22, 2002
Dead Trees And Muscle Cars

The renowned satirist, Iowahawk (aka David Burge) emails:

To honor Earth Day and Al Gore's latest enviro-gibberish, I dusted off this moldy oldie for you...

Gore Attacked By Angry Muscle Cars

And he further threatens:

BTW, I'm gonna do the blog thing soon; more of an archive of old stuff like this. I'll let you know when it's up.

You don't scare us, Burge.

You will be assimilated. We told you that resistance was futile.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:28 PM

November 16, 2001
"Allies" Seize Paris--Mass Atrocities Occur

(PONN---Pessimistic Objective News Network) August 26, 1944

Risking civic anarchy and destruction of the ancient fabled and beautiful city by Hitler's rockets of vengeance, "Allied" forces recklessly entered Paris yesterday, while ravishing French women by the thousands, and slaughtering helpless Germans, often allowing the Parisians to hang or shoot them, without even the semblance of a fair trial.

Led by the Second Armored Division of the "French Army," commanded by "Major General" Lecleric, the troops marched up the Champs Elysee, reportedly to at least scattered cheers and throwing of flowers. Of course, the Paris natives have had a rough few years, and almost anyone, even the "Allies," might at first seem preferable to the Germans, against whom there are serious but unsubstantiated allegations of human rights abuses, including "genocide."

Editor's note: can we come up with a less judgmental word? One man's genocide is another's freedom fighting.

Though General Eisenhower's spokesmen would never confirm it, there had been much concern over the past few weeks that the "Allied" forces might be bogged down in a northern French quagmire, as the Germans seemed well dug in, and were bringing up reinforcements from their eastern front against the brave and stalwart Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, the main US ally. Thus, even if Paris cannot be ultimately held, its seizure represents at least a temporary appearance of an "Allied" "victory."

Over the past few weeks, as they marched through the French countryside from Normandy, often accompanied by great destruction and civilian casualties, "Allied" troops, particularly Americans, have been engaging in dangerous propaganda tactics. They have been distributing pamphlets urging the helpless French people to rise up against the much better-armed Germans. Also, in an attempt to show that this war is not against the people of Vichy France, they have been handing out chocolate to children, and nylon st0ckings to the women, though they lack enough to feed or clothe the entire French populace.

The "Allies" and the US had been warned that Mr. Hitler would not allow Paris to be taken, and that he would destroy it before he let it happen. However, at the urging of "General" de Gaulle, they decided to go for the quick propaganda victory, instead of waiting for a more orderly French government to form.

Official US government organs put out stories of a people happy to be liberated.

Pvt. Howard Katzander, a correspondent for Yank, the Army's weekly magazine, reported on the "hundreds of thousands of men, women and children who cheered them on their way."

"There was one GI on a truck who kept pointing toward Germany, and then lifting a finger and slashing his throat," Katzander wrote. "The crowd loved him."

Such stories, if true, indicate that the American soldiers were allowed to inflame the passions of the Parisian populace, which no doubt led to many of the atrocities and murders against the unarmed German officials, and also against French who had collaborated with them. Many Vichy French officials were summarily hung or shot with their German counterparts, and the heads of many of the poor French women who had slept with the "enemy" were shaved.

Also, it was reported that many German troops were unfairly shot and strafed by aircraft and French resistance fighters as they escaped the city, even though they were in full retreat, and not firing back.

When American and British troops entered the city today, there was reportedly a great deal of wild and uninhibited sex between them and the French women. It was not clear whether any of it was consensual, as these are a people who have been subjugated by armed troops for years, and may have simply resignedly accepted more rape by the troops as an inevitable part of this long and needless war, to which no end is in sight.

Posted by Rand Simberg at 04:39 PM