The head of the UK "Lap Dancer's Association" says that lap dances are not s3xually stimulating. Well, all right then.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:59 AMBlock grants.
It's time for the Federal Government to pass the baton. California's current GDP is approaching the GDP of the US in 1958 of a bit more than $2 trillion in current dollars. All NASA money should be distributed to States according to Congress's favorite formula for use "To provide for research into problems of flight within and outside the [E]arth's atmosphere, and for other purposes." The States would then have a chance to further freedom as a laboratory of aeronautics and space policy just as they have been a laboratory of democracy.
Posted by Sam Dinkin at 10:10 AMIowahawk has discovered the most exciting new car model to be premiered by Congressional Motors. Behold, the Pelosi:
Sporty mag-style hubcaps and an all-new aggressive wedge shape designed by CM's Chief Stylist Ted Kennedy slices through the wind like an omnibus spending bill. It even features an airtight undercarriage to keep you and a passenger afloat up to 15 minutes -- even in the choppy waters of a Cape Cod inlet. Available a rainbow of color choices to match any wardrobe, from Harvest Avocado to French Mustard.
Inside, a luxurious all-velour interior designed by Barney Frank features thoughtful appointments like in-dash condom dispenser and detachable vibrating shift knob. A special high capacity hatchback holds up to 300 aluminum cans, meaning fewer trips to the redemption center. And the standard 3 speaker Fairness ActoPhonic FM low-band sound system means you'll never miss a segment of NPR again.
I'm sure there will be a long waiting list.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:03 AMIowahawk has become Internationalhawk, perturbing Anglo-American relations with a new column on a British web site:
In the matter of politics you have "Tories" and "Labour" where we have "Republicans" and "Democrats"; just as our "lawyers" must pass the "bar exam," I'm sure your "barristers" must pass some sort of "pub quiz." In America we call our stupid white racists "crackers," where I believe you refer to them as "scones" or "crisps" or something. But these minor language quirks are nothing compared to the many things we have in common. For example, did you know we also have a new Stalinist dictator, and he also turns out to be Brown?
Politically incorrect, as always.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:45 AMDon't hang curtains while nude, with an upright potato sitting on the kitchen table:
The vicar had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the vegetable, one of a range of odd items medics in Sheffield have had to remove from people's backsides or genitals.
Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll - and a carnation.
I really hate it when you accidentally fall bare-assed on a carnation.
[Update a while later]
This raised my eyebrows:
A hospital trust spokeswoman in Sheffield said: "Like all busy hospitals we do see some unusual accidents.
"But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way."
Yes, because there's nothing more discreet than talking to a reporter for the Telegraph, and making it national (and on the web, therefore international) news.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:35 AMLileks has been musing on why the Three Musketeers never had muskets:
Where are their guns? They never have guns. They must have been a grave disappointment when they showed up. We are here, my liege! The Musketeers! Fine, fine, take up position on the parapet, and aim down at - say, where are your muskets? We have them not, my liege! We live life at swordpoint! All for one, and one for - Fine, you have a motto, I know, but I wanted guns. Why do you call yourselves musketeers if you don't have any bloody muskets? Tres simplisme, monsieur! We must see the whites of our foes' eyes, wide with fright! We must - Oh shut up and take these muskets and start shooting at something, for God's sake.
Other amusing pop-cultural observations as well (and as usual).
Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:22 AMFrom Iowahawk:
Less than fifty years ago, African-Americans were barred from public universities, restaurants, and even drinking fountains in many parts of the country. On Tuesday we came together and transcended that shameful legacy, electing an African-American to the country's top job -- which, in fact, appears to be his first actual job. Certainly, it doesn't mean that racism has disappeared in America, but it is an undeniable mark of progress that a majority of voters no longer consider skin color nor a dangerously gullible naivete as a barrier to the presidency.
It's also heartening to realize that as president Mr. Obama will soon be working hand-in-hand with a former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard like Senator Robert Byrd to craft the incoherent and destructive programs that will plunge the American economy into a nightmare of full-blown sustained depression. As Vice President-Elect Joe Biden has repeatedly warned, there will be difficult times ahead and the programs will not always be popular, or even sane. But as we look out over the wreckage of bankrupt coal companies, nationalized banks, and hyperinflation, we can always look back with sustained pride on the great National Reconciliation of 2008. Call me an optimist, but I like to think when America's breadlines erupt into riots it will be because of our shared starvation, not the differences in our color.
Barack will bring us together.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:32 PMIowahawk says that Barack Obama is totally ready for his foreign-policy challenge:
"Mark my words," Biden promised at the Seattle fundraiser Sunday. "There will be an international crisis. The world will be looking. They'll say, hey, here is this handsome, clean, ar-ti-cu-late young president, not unlike a very, very tanned John Fitzgerald Kennedy, dancing at his inaugural ball with his beautiful wife who is not unlike a very very very extremely tanned Jackie. And our enemies will think, 'ba ha ha, look at how thees seely new Amerikanski preseedent dances so! Such skeels can only be from many years in zee dancing school, where theys do not teaching the toughness! Launch zee meesiles!' But these enemies are in for a big surprise. America's foes must never confuse Barack Obama's terrific dance floor moves with weakness -- because as an Afro-American African, Barack is a natural dancer."
..."Ching chow pow!" added Biden, demonstrating his point with several pantomime karate chops. He also issued a pointed warning to the government of Spain."Let me be blunt: if you think we will sit idly by while you land your mighty galleons at Boca Raton, and unleash your gleaming-helmeted conqustadores to enslave and convert our whiny retired Jewish-Florida-Americans - well, think again, Cortes. Hey mang, say helloo to my leetle fren'!" said Biden, spraying the room with pantomime machine gun fire.
As a current resident of Rat Mouth of Jewish ancestry, I'll be ever confident with him holding the nucular football.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:56 PMIn a comment over at Free Republic: "Joe The Plumber is the only undocumented worker in America that the Democrats dislike."
Of course, you could say the same thing about John McCain, except he likes him. So at least he's consistent.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:14 PMJeff Patterson conquers the solar system.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:50 PMIt's that time of year again, for the (Ig)nobel prizes.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:20 AMHeh.
[From Bruce Webster, via email]
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:56 AMBarack's teleprompter is very demanding
Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:36 AMAnd live a thousand years.
Only P.J. O'Rourke could write an hilarious column about his cancer diagnosis:
Why can't death -- if we must have it -- be always glorious, as in "The Iliad"? Of course death continues to be so, sometimes, with heroes in Fallouja and Kandahar. But nowadays, death more often comes drooling on the toilet seat in the nursing home, or bleeding under the crushed roof of a teen-driven SUV, or breathless in a deluxe hotel suite filled with empty drug bottles and a minor public figure whose celebrity expiration date has passed.
I have, of all the inglorious things, a malignant hemorrhoid. What color bracelet does one wear for that? And where does one wear it? And what slogan is apropos? Perhaps that slogan can be sewn in needlepoint around the ruffle on a cover for my embarrassing little doughnut buttocks pillow.Furthermore, I am a logical, sensible, pragmatic Republican, and my diagnosis came just weeks after Teddy Kennedy's. That he should have cancer of the brain, and I should have cancer of the ass ... well, I'll say a rosary for him and hope he has a laugh at me. After all, what would I do, ask God for a more dignified cancer? Pancreatic? Liver? Lung?
I don't believe in God, but it he's there, please bless him.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:49 PMIowahawk has an interview with some of the key players.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:12 PMI just noted something amusing when I was reading this post about how maybe George Bush really is a fascist (they make a good case), though not Hitler reincarnate.
Just a coincidence, I'm sure.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:47 AMThis is great. I love the accents, but I think they're Minnesota, not Alaska (though they're closely related).
Of course, the anonymous wanker in comments who is always crying "Pants On Fire" will take it seriously.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:10 PMThe McCain campaign should get with some of the Abe's List folks in Hollywood (like Dennis Miller) and work up some material. Then get SNL to have Palin as a guest where she can do impressions of Tina Fey.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:39 AMThat was the essence of an inadvertently hilarious (anonymous, natch) comment about Obama in this post.
To me, that's like Helen Thomas saying "don't hate me because I'm beautiful."
Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:06 AMBut I'm reminded that Jesus was a preacher. Barabbas was the community organizer. And a freedom fighter, like Bill Ayers. Also like Ayers, he got off on a technicality.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:29 AMYou know that Tina Fey has to be hoping for a Republican victory. It's a guaranteed gig for at least four, and maybe a dozen years.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:33 AMDid Mark Murray think about what he was writing?
Palin could be heard nearly squealing with delight in the front of the plane at the sight of three of her children at the foot of the stairs, and according to several aides, refused to stay inside the plane.
Emphasis mine.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:57 AMIowahawk is on the job.
By the way, I'm about to get on an airplane to go back to get blown away by a hurricane, so no posting until this evening, if then.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:58 AMHeh.
Some Sarah Palin facts. With all the lies and misconceptions out there, somebody had to pull this together. I particularly liked this one:
Death once had a near-Sarah-Palin experience.
and
Jesus wears a bracelet that says WWSPD?Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:20 PM
Iowahawk has dredged up a previously unfound work of Homer:
Speak to me, O Muse, of this resourceful man
who strides so boldly upon the golden shrine at Invescos,
Between Ionic plywood columns, to the kleig light altar.
Fair Obamacles, favored of the gods, ascends to Olympus
Amidst lusty tributes and the strumming lyres of Media;
Their mounted skyboxes echo with the singing of his name
While Olbermos and Mattheus in their greasy togas wrassle
For first honor of basking in their hero's reflected glory.
Who is this man, so bronzed in countenance,
So skilled of TelePropter, clean and articulate
whose ears like a stately urn's protrude?
So now, daughter of Zeus, tell us his story.
And just the Cliff Notes if you don't mind,
We don't have all day.
Read all.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:50 AMHeh.
It's Sarah and John!New campaign motto: "Come with us, if you want to live."
This just keeps getting better.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:25 PMIt's Batboy! Hey, we could do worse, and probably will.
The comments are great.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:09 PM...I really appreciate reading about the seven most retardedmentally-challenged ways that celebrities attempt to go green.
These were all funny at the time, but it's nice to see a well-annotated compendium.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:34 PM...that the LA Times can't get any worse. Or funnier.
I have to say that I particularly enjoyed the comment by "Dick Stroker." I'm sure he's just a naif.
Speaking of LA, I'm flying out there tomorrow for almost two weeks. Blogging may be lightened somewhat--I'm supposed to be working. Or so the folks who are paying me tell me.
[Monday afternoon update]
Arrived safely, with luggage, even with a change in Dallas.
Unfortunately, just as I leave, it looks like Patricia is home alone to shutter up for Gustav next weekend.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 04:37 PMIowahawk has an in-depth report on the Obama campaign's new winning tactics.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:12 AM...they almost write themselves. The headline itself is wonderful:
Giant inflatable turd escapes moorings and brings down electricity line
Read the last line, too.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:56 AM...at the world's oldest jokes.
Well, OK, not so much. It says they're old jokes, not good jokes.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:34 AMAt least one will be saved from the coming carbon apocalypse:
Al Gore--or, as he is known in his own language, Gore-Al--placed his son, Kal-Al, gently in the one-passenger rocket ship, his brow furrowed by the great weight he carried in preserving the sole survivor of humanity's hubristic folly.
"There is nothing left now but to ensure that my infant son does not meet the same fate as the rest of my doomed race," Gore said. "I will send him to a new planet, where he will, I hope, be raised by simple but kindly country folk and grow up to be a hero and protector to his adopted home."
Hope the poles aren't so warm there that he can't build an arctic fortress of pomposity.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:17 PM...have spoken.
I particularly liked the Che comparison, and the hope that the messiah will make Americans less "superficial."
[Update a few minutes later]
Is Obama channelling General Zod?
I am General Zod! Listen to me, people of the Earth! Today I bring a New Order to your planet! One which shall last until the end of time!
Each of you... each man, each woman, each child - all will march proudly together in this New Order! Your lands, your homes, your possessions, your very lives... All of this and more you will gladly give to me!There is no longer a need for separate nations in this world, no need for petty squabbles between one group and another. All of you will work together, strive, produce, and sacrifice together - and all for a common goal!
Michelle and Barack will make the humans of planet Earth work, and shed their cynicism.
Actually, Michelle can have my cynicism when she pries it from my cold, dead cynical typing fingers.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:56 PM...with women.
Somehow, it reminds me of this classic Martin Mull (and Steve Martin) sea shanty.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 04:45 PMA few horrifyingly hilarious tales. Don't miss the exploding whales.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:51 AMThe (modern) difference between science and the humanities.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:25 AMWho said he wasn't funny? Here are a bunch of Obama light-bulb jokes.
[Update a while later]
And now, knock-knock jokes.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:32 AMI know what you're saying -- "who invited the fat chick to the Twister party?" Certainly, all of us (with the possible exception of Randy) wish she wasn't here. But it's important to remember that fat chicks are often an important source of party supplies, and we must take the good with the bad. In the same way, Fannie Mae supplies the critical financial weed and beer to keep our national economic party going.
The numbers are complex, but let me boil it down for the economic layperson. Fannie Mae is a government company type thing that has a large pile of money, which I will call "A". The first thing it does is create $20 million bonuses for high performance executives like Franklin Raines, James Johnson and Jamie Gorelick, which I will call "B." Next, it allocates an amount "C" to lobbyists to make sure important Congressmen always get a thoughtful holiday card from Fannie Mae. After subtracting B and C from A, they are left with D, which is lent to homebuyers. These homebuyers then pay back the amount E, which, when subtracted from D, leaves F, the amount Congress has to come up with. In order to keep this important financial system humming along at peak efficiency, it is necessary that you, the taxpayer, are F'ed.
RTWT, and save the Dave!
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:37 AMIowahawk has gotten a hold of the latest hirabi recruitment brochure:
As you have possibly heard by now, Team Satan and their subsidiary Iraqi Security Forces have made several key market acquisitions in the last few months. In order to meet Q3 Return-on-Mayhem targets and maximize stakeholder value, we need to refocus our client-facing resource model. As we are currently seeking a 17th round of venture funding, budgets are extremely tight, and this will require reducing our internal work team payroll load through adaptive right-sizing on a go-forward basis. Accounting estimates indicate that much of this will be achieved via natural attrition and Apache Hellfire missiles. Still, in order to achieve costing targets, we will need to engage in involuntary outboarding.
The Communications department will be most directly effected by this initiative, as we continue transitioning of our day-to-day public relations efforts to low-cost offshore service providers like Huffington Post, DailyKos, and Democratic Underground.
Hey, you get what you pay for.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:01 PMCan we do word substitutions in php by passing a variable to the URL?
This works, too, and it even fits within the box.
Have fun in comments.
[Via the non-liberal non-fascist]
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:53 AMIt's a wondrous age in which we live in (to paraphrase Paul McCartney), that has underpants for squirrels.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:16 AMIowahawk has found a draft of an Obama speech explaining the refinement of his positions:
Let me be crystal clear: if elected president, my first act will be to call for the immediate withdrawal of all American troops from Iraq. I have always been consistent and forthright in this position, and I want to reassure my supporters that my recent statement backtracking from it was just some bullshit my staff came up with to tack to the center for the general election. To win this election, it will be critical to appeal to the dwindling but stubborn group of idiots who cling to fantasies of American "victory" in this tragic disaster. It's an unfortunate part of the complicated game of presidential politics, but let's face it: I can't stop this war if I'm not in the White House. However, you should know by now that whatever I may say from now until November, once elected I will immediately pull the rug from these gullible pro-war rubes.
Or will I? As is obvious to all but the most deluded HuffPo retard, the surge in Iraq has produced dramatic improvements in security throughout Iraq, and the roots of a stable pro-American democracy. We have the terrorists on the run, and it would obviously be crazy for us to pull our troops from the region just as we are on the verge of victory. And it is equally obvious that everything I said in the previous paragraph was designed to placate the naive hipster moonbats I brilliantly exploited to destroy the Clintons. (You're welcome.) Now that the nomination is in the bag, I am finally free to stake out my genuine pro-victory Iraq position, and have a good laugh while the dKos morons screech like a bunch of apoplectic howler monkeys. Let's face it: at the rate I'm heading right on national security, I'll be raining nukes on Tehran by February.
Well, that should settle the issue.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:15 AMFrank J. has a plan to deal with the asteroids. Sort of.
Here's what we'll do: We'll paint Mars blue. The asteroids will see Mars, think it's us, and hit it instead. It's simple and it will work. So you're asking, "Why not paint Venus? It's the same size and should make a more convincing Earth." That's idiotic. For one thing, it's super-hot there, so how the hell do you plan on painting it? Also, it's further away from the asteroid belt than us, so the asteroids will see the real Earth before seeing the decoy Earth. Painting Venus is a truly idiotic plan. You're disgustingly stupid for even suggesting it. This is why I sometimes think of just giving up blogging because I just can't deal with people as stupid as you are.
I know how he feels. Sort of.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:31 AMOr it would be, if there weren't a significant possibility of this guy actually getting into power.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:40 AMFor that kind of money, I'd expect Cat 8, at least.
An audiophile and his money are soon parted.
[Update a few minutes later]
As noted, the Amazon customer reviews are hilarious.
[Update in the evening]
Stephen Dawson (from Down Under) has a defense (albeit pretty flimsy. as he admits) of Denon.
I have to admit my disappointment as well. I'd always respected Denon up until this. As someone in comments said, one hopes that the marketing person responsible will have a few of these cables run through them from one end to the other. Or be keelhauled with them.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:29 PMIowahawk remains in the race. I have to say, there are certainly some aspects of his platform that are not without appeal.
Drilling and exploration are important, but this only addresses the "supply" side of the equation. We must also tackle our insatiable "demand" for energy. Thanks to my Piranha Doctrine foreign policy, America's military will be freed up to go after America's worst energy demand scofflaws -- the celebrity asshole community. Under my administration the Joint Chiefs of Staff will be directed to treat as hostile all private jets flying into Los Angeles airspace, backed up with coordinated pinpoint bombing of mansions and Priuses within the Malibu triangle. Not only will this reduce prices at the pump, it will increase the supply of much needed scrap metal and lumber.
I like the Piranha Doctrine as well. Though Park Slope may not have enough open territory for the cougar reserve.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:10 AMIowahawk has dug up an old Canadian radio program that is sure to be banned in the Great White North. Warman, of the Mounted:
From the Maritimes to the Yukon, the Great White North was once a lawless land where cruel and offensive opinions roamed free - until one man stood up and brought them to justice. One mighty masked man, clad in the scarlet breechcoat of the Royal Canadian Mounted Human Rights Police, astride a golden disabled lesbian steed, with his faithful transgender Indian scout at his side. Together they rode from Yellowknife to St. John's, keeping Canadians safe from the spectre of multicultural insensitivity.
The Canadian Broadcast Corporation invites you to return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear as we tell the tales of that legendary singing Human Rights Mountie. It's time for excitement - it's time for lawsuits - It's time for... Warman of the Mounted!
It's a particularly exciting episode. I expect we'll see him in the HRC docket presently.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:24 AMHere's one for the stupid criminal files. We've all heard of putting nylons over your head to conceal your face, but here are a couple mental defectives who robbed a gas station wearing thongs on their heads.
[Via Jonah's Odd Link Gal, who should just get her own blog]
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:27 AMEight annoying types of people you'll run into at Starbucks.
I don't frequent Starbucks, because, not being a coffee drinker, or consumer of high-glycemic carbs, they have absolutely no items that appeal to me. But those who do may find this amusing. I particularly liked the Starbucks hater. I might be him if, you know, I ever went to Starbucks. But unlike him, I practice what I preach.
[Via Geek Press]
Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:55 AMIt's round two of Ask Barry!, over at Iowahawk's place.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:48 AMHey, Father's Day is coming up, too. This isn't new, but it's the first time I'd come across it. Behold, the complete ACME catalog. Considering the election coming up, I could use the anti-nightmare machine. And the atom re-arranger sounds like a proto-form of nanotech and molecular assemblers.
I wonder if they have a gift registry?
Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:13 PMSo sayeth Hillary:
Frankly, there's just no way around the stark mathematics of the situation: Inconvenience(Me) = 1.0 * Accident(You). It is an inescapable statistical fact, as proven over and over again by my loyal team of Karma accountants -- including Sid Blumenthal, Howard Wolfson, and Harold Ickes. Contrary to what some people say, my boys did not learn untraceable poisoning techniques from the Russians. In fact, it was the other way around. And let's face it: even if Senator Obama receives prompt medical attention for his eventual post-nomination accident, voters in the general election will be repulsed by his grotesque and permanent Dioxin scarring. Once again, Hillary Time.
So today Senator Obama faces a clear choice: (a) stay in the campaign through the convention, wasting millions of dollars on primary advertising and expensive food tasters, or (b) withdraw immediately and graciously transfer his war chest to the only remaining Democratic candidate capable of appealing to hard-working white voters, such as Hillary Rodham Clinton. Same outcome either way, with the possible exception of body count.
I don't know how Burge finds these scoops.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:49 AMA blog devoted to things younger than John McCain.
[Via Geek Press]
Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:34 AMFrom P. J. O'Rourke:
Don't moan. I'm not going to "pass the wisdom of one generation down to the next." I'm a member of the 1960s generation. We didn't have any wisdom.
We were the moron generation. We were the generation that believed we could stop the Vietnam War by growing our hair long and dressing like circus clowns. We believed drugs would change everything -- which they did, for John Belushi. We believed in free love. Yes, the love was free, but we paid a high price for the sex.My generation spoiled everything for you. It has always been the special prerogative of young people to look and act weird and shock grown-ups. But my generation exhausted the Earth's resources of the weird. Weird clothes -- we wore them. Weird beards -- we grew them. Weird words and phrases -- we said them. So, when it came your turn to be original and look and act weird, all you had left was to tattoo your faces and pierce your tongues. Ouch. That must have hurt. I apologize.
So now, it's my job to give you advice. But I'm thinking: You're finishing 16 years of education, and you've heard all the conventional good advice you can stand. So, let me offer some relief.
Read on. Some of it actually is good advice.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:24 AM"Obama: Not As Elitist As John Kerry"
Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:20 AMDecember 15th, 1941
WASHINGTON (Routers) In an effort to drive a wedge between moderate Germans and those more extreme, the State Department issued new rules today, stipulating that the word "Nazi" was not to be used by department employees to describe the enemy. Germany recently declared war on our country, as part of its alliance with Imperial Japan, which itself attacked us at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii a little over a week ago, and with which we are now at war.
"Nazism has a great many admirable features," said a department spokesman at Foggy Bottom, "and we want to make clear that despite the fact that the Nazi Party rules Germany, we have no quarrel with the vast majority of Nazis with peaceful intent."
She went on to describe the National Socialist universal health care plan, its youth programs that inculcate loyalty to the government, its strict and necessary control over unbridled private industry, its wage and price controls, its strict separation of church and state, its progressive views on food purity and safety, and other beneficial features of the fascist system.
"Many of the Nazi programs have their counterparts here in President Roosevelt's own New Deal, such as the NRA, the CCC, our price monitoring boards, and so on. In fact, many of the ideas of National Socialism were first developed in our own progressive country, and we in turn might want to consider examining their policies for more ways to improve our own."
She went on, "...if we call Hitler and his staff, who lack moral legitimacy, 'Nazis,' we may unintentionally legitimize their rule, and end up offending many of the peaceful National Socialist Germans with whom we can develop a productive relationship after the defeat of the extremist Hitler regime. We don't want to tar all Nazis with the racism and war mongering of the more fanatical members of the party."
"We are concerned that use of the term "Nazi" to refer to the murderous extremists may glamorize their racism, give them undeserved moral authority with the German people, and undermine our ultimate war strategy of winning their hearts and minds. We want them to understand that we recognize Nazism as an ideology of peace, and welfare for the common good and betterment of all Germans. Not to mention their understandable desire for lebensraum."
When asked what term employees were to use to refer to the enemy, she replied, "We haven't quite worked that out yet. We're considering 'the Hitler gang' for now."
Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:26 PMAdvice for the lovelorn, from Senator Barack Obama. Well, who would know better than him?
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:27 AM...that all comic books turned into movies must follow.
[Via Geek Press]
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:10 AMFrank J. says that too much is expected of us. I liked this comment:
Hell yea! Why do we always have to be the "reasonable" ones; for once I just want to forget about the real issues, the constitution, and logic, and just vote for someone who looks like me, or has the same plumbing.
Hey, you can do it. Just become a Democrat.
This one, too, from a "Peg C.":
Let's see: Blacks vote 95% - 5% for Obama, women must be voting something like 60 - 40 for Hillary (not sure but every idiot female I work with is for Hillary), white Dem men (yes, I know - oxymoron) are voting 45 - 55 for Obama...and white men are the racists and sexists?? Only in Nora Ephron's fantasy world...
Unfortunately, a lot of people reside in Nora Ephron's fantasy world.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:05 AMRobert Ferrigno imagines a future both frightening and amusing, in which Bill Clinton pines for the past. The only part that doesn't ring true is Bill and Hillary divorcing. If they divorced, they could be compelled to testify against each other, and neither of them would want to give up spousal immunity.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:53 AMIf you type in "HALP US BRAK WE R STUK IN SMALL TOWN," it will respond: "Did you mean: HALP US BREAK WE R STUCK IN SMALL TOWN?"
Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:34 PMBarack Obama showed his deft political touch today, and demonstrated his keen insight into the lives of the little people in this country, with a speech that is sure to be worth at least thirty points in Pennsylvania in the upcoming primary:
You go into these small towns in Pennsylvania and, like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing's replaced them... And it's not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.
I asked around the area, to see how his obvious compassion for Pennsylvanians was viewed. This is just one story, from one man in West Deer Township, but I'm sure that it's typical.
"By cracky, it's like the man sees into my very soul!
"Thirty years ago, I had a good job in the mill in Pittsburgh. I was bringing in a good income, going to jazz clubs, discussing Proust over white wine and brie, with my gay friends of all colors. I was all for free trade, so that we could sell the steel overseas, and I never bothered to go to church, let alone actually believe in God.
"But then, the plant closed down, and I couldn't get another job. I went on unemployment, and found odd jobs here and there, but they barely paid the rent on the loft, and the payment on the Bimmer. I couldn't afford the wine and brie any more, and had to shift over to beer and brats.
"Of course, as a result, I started hanging out with the wrong crowd--the beer drinkers.
"And it wasn't just the beer. Some of them actually went out in the woods in the fall, and shot animals. And kilt 'em. With real guns!
"I was shocked, of course. For all their diversity, none of my gay friends would have ever thought of doing anything like that. But with my job loss, and lack of money for pedicures and pommade, they didn't want to hang with me any more. So I borried a twelve gauge over'n'under, and went out with my new beer-drinking animal-killing friends in the woods. And I'll tell you what, when I shot down that eight-pointer, I felt a sense of power over the helpless in a way that I hadn't since I'd been looking down on the rednecks when I had that good job in Pittsburgh, driving around town in my 528i.
"But somehow the killing, and hating those two-timing nancy boys wasn't enough. I was still in despair. I started to search for answers, and I thought that I found them in Jesus. It started small, just church on Sunday, with prayers and a lecture from the preacher.
"But it didn't stop there. Soon I was attending Wednesday night revivals, and huzzahing and hossanahing, and babbling with the best of them. After a few months I'd graduated to juggling garter snakes, then rattlers.
"But it wasn't enough. Despite all the gun caressing, and animal killing, and hatred of people who weren't like me, and anger at the Colombians who were...doing something to me--I'm not entirely sure what, and the tongue speaking and snake handling, I still couldn't find a job.
"My social life continued to deteriorate. Not only was I no longer interested in those sensitive swishes, or literature, but I was starting to look with lust at my sister. And not just look, I'll tell you what. She'd been out of work, too, and was getting mighty interested, if you know what I mean.
"I have hit rock bottom.
"Please, help me, O Bama. Forgive me, O Bama. O Bama, my Bama, rescue me from this living hell in which Reagan, and Bush, and Clinton, and Bush, have consigned me. Restore unto me my loft and my teutonic status symbol. Give me back my poofter friends, and my pinot grigio and my baked gruyere, and lattes. Save me from the killing and the beer, and most of all, from Jesus. Save me, O my Bama, and I will commit my vote unto you.
This is just one story of the many lives that Barack Obama has touched, and blessed, this day in the benighted Keystone State. But with his obvious compassion, and ability to feel the pain of others so unlike him, he is sure to carry the state in a couple weeks.
[Late evening update]
Ace has more:
Obama To Rural Pennsylvanians: Vote For Me, You Corncob-Smokin', Banjo-Strokin' Chicken-Chokin' Cousin-Pokin' Inbred Hillbilly Racist Morons
Yeah, that's about it.
[Saturday morning update]
More from Mickey Kaus:
Excuse me? Hunting is part of working-class American culture. Does Obama really think that working-class whites in Pennsylvania were gun control liberals until their industries were downsized, whereas they all rushed to join the NRA ...
I used to think working class voters had conservative values because they were bitter about their economic circumstances--welfare and immigrants were "scapegoats," part of the false consciousness that would disappear when everyone was guaranteed a good job at good wages. Then I left college. ......Rather than trying to spin his way out, wouldn't it be better for Obama to forthrightly admit his identity? Let's have a national dialogue about egghead condescension!
[Mid-Saturday morning update]
This is turning out to be the Blazing Saddles election:
It's amazing how many lines from that movie work for this campaign.The first question Obama got in Iowa
What's a dazzling urbanite like you doing in a rustic setting like this?
Explaining the Iowa caucus to newcomers
Now, I suppose you're all wondering just what in the heck you're doing out here in the middle of a prairie in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night.
Crowd: You bet your ass.Despite setbacks, Mike Gravel stays in the race
no sidewindin bushwackin, hornswaglin, cracker croaker is gonna rouin me bishen cutter.
Obama's campaign theme
He conquered fear and he conquered hate He turned dark night into day.
Hillary rounds up her operatives
I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.
Ezra Klein hears a speech
God darnit...you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.
Obama after every press appearance
Ooh, baby, you are so talented! And they are so DUMB!
Obama explaining his post-racial appeal
Well, to tell the family secret, my grandmother was Dutch.
But Hispanics are skeptical of Obama and his supporters
Hast du gesehen in deine Leben? They're darker than us!
The party's new reaction to Hillary
Shut up, you Teutonic tw@t!
The anguish of the superdelegates
We've gotta protect our phoney baloney jobs, gentlemen!
and of course for the current situation
You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons.
[Update a couple minutes later]
Oooh, oooohhh, there's more! I found Obama's Facebook page. Note that one of his favorite books is one about an obsessive hatred of a white whale.
So, is a cigar just a cigar? I report, you decide.
[Update a few minutes later]
One more (more serious) thought. When Obama talks about "clinging to religion," is he saying that his religious belief is founded in something other than economic hardship? Or is he implying that, despite his words and church attendance for the past twenty years, that he's at heart an agnostic, if not an atheist? Was the church thing all for political show (as it was with at least Bill, if not both Clintons)? And of course, if these are his true feelings (and I suspect that one is more likely to hear what he really thinks when he perceives himself to be among a friendly audience), then it's not surprising that he could sit through twenty years of Pastor Wright bigotry and hatred and find nothing exceptional or objectionable about it. He's smart enough to know that others will find it so, so he pretends to be outraged when called on it, but he wasn't smart enough to see how his remarks in this case would be viewed by those to whom he unconsciously condescends.
I think that this could be a campaign killer in the fall. That sound bite will be shown over and over again. I just regret that it came out this soon. Unfortunately, the Democrats still have a chance to eject him before he gets the nomination. But even if they do, it will still be an electoral disaster for them. The problem is that it isn't just Obama. Most of them are just smart enough not to voice their bigotry publicly, but this is how much of the party itself views rural and middle America, and it's going to hurt them all through the fall. And justly so.
[Late morning update]
Mark Steyn has further thoughts:
I had a ton of fun covering Kerry's awkwardness with Americans but, in fairness, it was essentially a consumerist snobbery: he preferred the Newburgh Yacht Club for lunch over the local Wendy's, he'd rather be windsurfing off Nantucket than rednecking at Nascar, etc. Obama's snobbery seems more culturally profound, and unlike Kerry he can't plead the crippling disadvantage of a privileged childhood. Rather, Barack's condescension reveals a man out of touch with the rhythms of American life to a degree that's hard to fathom. As Michelle says, they "chose" to "leave corporate America", and Barack became a "community organizer" and she wound up a 350-grand-a-year "diversity outreach coordinator". I've no idea what either of those careers involve, and most of us seem able to get along without them. But their remoteness from the American mainstream perhaps explains why the Obamas seem to have no clue how Americans live their lives.
And yes, I'm a foreigner. But it takes one to know one, and this guy seems weirdly disconnected from everything except neo-segregationist Afrocentric grievance politics and upscale white liberal condescension. Not much of a coalition.
But that's the modern Democrat Party. Without the media (which is as elitist as they are) in their pocket, they'd never stand a chance.
[Early afternoon update]
Was Obama's faux pas the sound of the horse beginning to clear its throat for its aria? This kind of thing is what keeps Hillary from dropping out.
[Another update a few minutes later]
And of course, Iowahawk has to pile on, with a golden oldie about rebellious youth:
Like most of their classmates, these North Shore Neckies were once bound for some of the top universities in America -- Yale, Duke, Stanford, Northwestern -- until they succumbed to the allure of the Downhome slacker lifestyle. Now some openly talk of dropping out, learning TIG welding, waiting tables at Waffle House or draining oil at Jiffy Lube; some even hint of enrolling at Iowa State. What drives privileged teens to such seemingly self-destructive behavior?
"I guess you might could say we're rebels," says Rachel 'Tyffanie' Stern, 17, lighting a Merit Menthol 100. Once destined for Vassar, Stern is now living with friends after her parents kicked her out of the house for spending her bat mitzvah money on a bass boat. Last month she became the youngest Jewish female to win an event on the Bassmasters Pro Tour.Pausing for furtive glances, several of the teens share sniffs from a bottle of Harmon Triple Heat deer scent.
"Wooo-eee, shit howdy, that's gonna bring a mess of them whitetail bucks," says 19-year old Wei-Li 'Lamar' Cheung. A former Westinghouse Science Award winner, Cheung has devoted his chemistry and biology skill to building a fledgling hunting supply business.
A first generation Asian-American, Cheung says he was drawn to the group by their acceptance of minorities. "Hell, I kept tellin' all my family and teachers I wanna play fiddle, not violin," he explains. "The 'Necks accept me the way I am."
African-American Kwame 'Joe Don' Harris agrees. "Just because I'm black, teachers were always pushing me to go to Spellman to study Langston Hughes and Thelonius Monk," says the 17 year old. "These ol' boys here never laugh at my dream to be a crew chief for the Craftsman Truck Series."
If there is one aspiration that unites them all, it is the dream of moving to Branson, Missouri. Long famed for its laid-back attitude toward religion, country music and the military, Branson has become a Mecca for radical young Neckies seeking an escape from the stultifying conformity of their coastal hometowns.
Only Barack can save us from this ongoing tragedy.
[Late afternoon update]
Obama is doing damage control with some of the yokelocals. I'm sure that Miss Hathaway will be able to smooth things over, except maybe with Grannie.
[Update on Sunday evening]
I've quit updating have some follow-up thoughts on Obama, and what this means about his attitudes toward individualism, here.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:06 PMI think that this is just...wrong.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:07 PM...as things stand, Obama is damaged. If, as some folks are arguing, hanging with Uncle Jeremiah is simply the price of doing politics in black Chicago, that makes the Senator not the change you can believe in but just the same-old-same-old. And at least a sliver of the electorate will find it hard to accept that even the political realities of Illinois require a man to raise his daughters in a church led by a vulgar kook who makes humping motions from the pulpit when he discusses Bill and Monica. Jeremiah Wright is not most Americans' idea of a pastor, and the longer he's in the spotlight the more he distances Obama from the electorate. Accepting (as everyone assures us) that the candidate himself is not an Afrocentric liberation theologist who believes every crackpot conspiracy of the last 70 years, every other explanation as to why Barack Obama spent two decades in the company of a profane race-baiter leaves the Senator looking either weak or weird. If he can wriggle out of this tonight, he's some kind of genius.
We'll find out. This may be a bridge too far.
[Update a few minutes later]
Despite his track record of controversy, Obama appointed Sanford as a member of his Hope and Unity central advisory committee. He dismissed complaints about Sanford's earlier statements, calling them "isolated comments of an elderly man with a heart condition who likes to speak his mind."
Harder to dismiss were Sanford's increasingly controversial statements directed toward Hillary Clinton, Obama's rival for the Democratic nomination, which were caught on video and spread throughout the internet. In one speech, Sanford says "I'm gonna push her face in some dough and make some gorilla cookies," and later says "that woman look like a fish head sandwich." In another, Sanford holds up a clear sheet of plastic and taunts Mrs. Clinton to "wear it fo' a Godzilla mask."At first Mrs.Clinton laughed off Sanford's remarks, and even said she would "welcome Mr. Sanford's help after I am nominated." Mr. Sanford replied that "I'm a junkman, not a plastic surgeon." As the campaign wore on and her lead disappeared, she began responding testily, issuing statements that "God's gonna strike you down Fred Sanford," and "shut up foo'."
Will the controversy never end?
[Update late morning]
Well, if these two snippets are any indication, the speech is less than genius level, at least to me:
For some, nagging questions remain. Did I know him to be an occasionally fierce critic of American domestic and foreign policy? Of course. Did I ever hear him make remarks that could be considered controversial while I sat in church? Yes. Did I strongly disagree with many of his political views? Absolutely - just as I'm sure many of you have heard remarks from your pastors, priests, or rabbis with which you strongly disagreed.
...Given my background, my politics, and my professed values and ideals, there will no doubt be those for whom my statements of condemnation are not enough. Why associate myself with Reverend Wright in the first place, they may ask? Why not join another church? And I confess that if all that I knew of Reverend Wright were the snippets of those sermons that have run in an endless loop on the television and You Tube, or if Trinity United Church of Christ conformed to the caricatures being peddled by some commentators, there is no doubt that I would react in much the same way.But the truth is, that isn't all that I know of the man. The man I met more than twenty years ago is a man who helped introduce me to my Christian faith, a man who spoke to me about our obligations to love one another; to care for the sick and lift up the poor. He is a man who served his country as a U.S. Marine; who has studied and lectured at some of the finest universities and seminaries in the country, and who for over thirty years led a church that serves the community by doing God's work here on Earth - by housing the homeless, ministering to the needy, providing day care services and scholarships and prison ministries, and reaching out to those suffering from HIV/AIDS.
The nagging questions remain. He's not merely "an occasionally fierce critic of US foreign policy." He's a man who believes that the US government was behind 911. He didn't merely say things that were "controversial." He accused the US government of deliberately creating AIDS and importing cocaine, in order to kill and injure black people. He didn't merely have political views with which one might "disagree." He held (and as far as we know, continues to hold) views that are vile, hateful, and by most lights, insane. I find this minimization and mischaracterization of the remarks to be utterly disingenuous.
As to the last graf, so what if he was a Marine? So was Lee Harvey Oswald. Who cares what other universities and seminaries he lectured at? They are no doubt the same ones that welcome Ward Churchill and Noam Chomsky. And Ahmadinejad.
As I said previously, even if I were a church goer, there are no amounts of good works that would allow me to hold down a pew in the presence of someone who spewed such lunacy from the pulpit. There is simply some bad that cannot be balanced against the good, when it comes to being a member of and donor to a church, and exposing children (of all ages, apparently, to judge by audience reaction) to such bigotry, hatred and idiocy. It's like praising Castro because Cuba has universal health care (ignoring the issue of how good the health care actually is in Cuba--I don't see many people flocking down there for the clinics). But then, many of the people who get funny feelings up their legs listening to Obama are exactly the sort of people who do that, so maybe I'm not the target audience here.
I understand that it's not the whole speech, and I understand that I'm only reacting to the actual words, and not his golden delivery with the halo above his head. (This latter "argument," such as it is, reminds me of people who, to my great amusement, told me that I couldn't and shouldn't judge or criticize Michael Moore's "masterpiece," Farenheit 911 by the screenplay that I read, but that I should instead watch it, as though that would somehow render nonsense sane.)
I doubt it would make a difference. The question for me remains: what was he thinking? And if this is a reliable guide to his judgment, then my judgment is that he would be a disastrous president, probably Carter-like, and an eager coddler and appeaser of dictators.
[Update a few minutes later]
Some Cornerites find some things to like about the speech:
...here was Obama praising the Founders for their ideals. Here he was noting the stain of slavery, but not letting it become THE story of the Founders, but only a part of the story, not letting it press out the reverence the Founders are due.
That might be the lasting legacy of this speech. The Jeremiah Wright controversy will eventually become a footnote in American political history. But the moment of the first serious black contender for the Oval Office speaking with reverence and admiration for slave-owning Founding Fathers, and dismissing explicitly the idea that the United States is, by virtue of the nation's Original Sin of slavery, a fundamentally racist nation, has the potential to become a turning point.
And "he's so clever":
By framing his Rev. Wright problem as part of the unfinished business of America's founding principles, he makes it unpatriotic to turn away from him now. This isn't a Barack Obama problem; it's an American problem that only he can help solve.
Well, no one has accused him of not being a talented orator or politician. But sorry, I'm still more inclined to see it as Obama's problem rather than America's.
Jonah writes:
I thought it was a much better speech than I thought it would be. It had some lovely movements and he came across as a remarkably classy and decent guy. But I think there were some serious logical, philosophical and political flaws to it.
Yup.
Charlotte Hays shares my opinion about his minimization of the remarks:
Obama is no longer a post-racial candidate. In his speech (it's still going on, but I've heard enough) today, he has embraced the politics of grievance. He says that the Rev. Wright has "elevated what is wrong" with America -- elevated?
Not fabricated but elevated. Does that mean the Rev. Wright is correct about America's deserving the attacks of Sept. 11 -- but he just elevates it to undue prominence? Obama says that we shouldn't "condemn without understanding the roots" of remarks like those Wright made. Whatever the roots, these remarks are to be condemned. Within what context is it correct for the Rev. Wright to say "God damn America?"
Or does it mean that he's correct about the US government deliberately creating AIDS? And he just "elevated" that "issue"?
Sorry, just doesn't wash, no matter in what dulcet tones it's spoken. And it's a good point, as Mark Hemingway expands on, that the real problem is that, no matter how good the speech, the days of Obama as a "post-racial candidate" are over.
[Update in the early afternoon]
Here's the full text. I'm not sure I'm interested or unbusy enough to read the whole thing, but if I get around to it, I may have further comments.
[Update at 3 PM EDT]
The speech is slippery, evasive, dishonest, and sometimes insulting.
Yes, it pays to actually read what he says, rather than just bask in the glow of the flowing oratory.
[Update a few minutes later]
Hmmmm...the Derbyshire post seems to have disappeared. Not sure why. Too bad I didn't grab the whole thing. He provided several examples.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:41 AMIowahawk is on the case. First, he talks about the damage to the brand of high-priced courtesans, and then, to commemorate, he has a new song: Love Client #9 (warning, strong content).
And just for the record, he takes a little poetic license. I won't say how I know, but what he says about Jewish girls isn't necessarily true.
I mean, hey, the Happy Hooker is Jewish...
Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:57 PMFirst, amazing chemistry videos, and then check out the worst captchas.
Both via Geekpress.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:58 AMActually, it sounds like something I would do, if I had nothing better (or more entertaining) to do:
I just had a young lady, age 22, call me up from the Clinton campaign to see if I had voted yet. I said no, but it was raining, and I wasn't sure I was going to get out and vote. She wanted to know who I was supporting, Hillary or Obama? I said it was difficult to choose between the two of them, and asked for her opinion. I kept that poor girl on the line for about a half hour (work-wise, I was having a slow day). I had her jumping through hoops on NAFTA, health care, the war in Afghanistan, etc. No matter what we talked about, I would get squishy and head off in a different direction (that's my usual impersonation of a lib). I started expressing my concern that "the minority community" would feel betrayed if Obama doesn't get the nomination. "What will this do to future of the Party?"
But at least he's not as rough on telemarketers as this guy.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:35 PMOver at Reason, the sad tale of a free-loader wannabe:
The group was now "out of food, hadn't slept in days and were really cold," and decided, in a grubby version of Dunkirk, to abandon the mission and head back to England. Boyles is disappointed-but not deterred. He is, the BBC reports, planning "to walk around the coast of Britain instead, learning French as he goes, so he can try again next year." At which point the cycle begins anew, when, upon reaching Baden-Baden, the poor lad will realize that he should have also studied German.
As Wilde said in another context, one would have to have a heart of stone to read this and not laugh out loud.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:22 AMIowahawk provides a glimpse of Hillary!'s future in the restaurant business.
Describe Incident(s) (be specific, including time)
At initial clock-in at 3:55 4/21/08, Sharon says Hillary refused to change into uniform skirt, which she said was demeaning, unflattering to legs. Hillary agreed to wear skirt only after lengthy argument between Sharon and Hillary's attorneys. After numeorous complaints from customers, Hillary allowed to wear pants.On 4/22/08, Sharon arrived for dinner shift, found restaurant unstaffed. Entire crew was in breakroom, where they said Hillary forced them to attend something called "Sausage Pricing Taskforce."
Disciplinary Action:
Verbal reprimand; ordered new pantsuit uniform from District 6 Supply (size 18 short)
It gets better, naturally.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:56 AMJust call Barack Mr. Potato Head:
So when Jamie Lynn Dixon looked down at the potato she noticed that staring back at her was the visage of a man. And not just any man.Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:07 AM
"Is it Jesus?" Earl Sr. asked."No," replied his son. "Better. It's Obama."
Right off, three of the waitresses up and fainted at the mere mention of Obama's name.
Michael Kinsley has the best take so far on McCain and the New York Times:
I have come under some criticism for my criticism of the New York Times for its criticism of Sen. John McCain. Many readers of last week's New York Times article about McCain, including me, read that article as suggesting that McCain may have had an affair with a lobbyist eight years ago. The Times, however, has made clear that its story was not about an affair with a lobbyist. Its story was about the possibility that eight years ago, aides to McCain had held meetings with McCain to warn him about the appearance that he might be having an affair with the lobbyist. This is obviously a much more important question. To be absolutely clear: The Times itself was not suggesting that there had been an affair or even that there had been the appearance of an affair. The Times was reporting that there was a time eight years ago when some people felt there might be the appearance of an affair, although others, apparently including McCain himself, apparently felt that there was no such appearance.
Read all.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:58 PMOver at Free Republic, "lowbridge" has been checking out what's going on with the candidates in Second Life.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 04:04 PMAlan K. Henderson has found the reason for McCain's support of amnesty for aliens.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:45 AMLileks sets an alarm clock:
First you push the ALARM SET button, and you should get our old friend, Mr. Blinking Twelve. But no. You press SOURCE to select iPod or FM tuner. Repeatedly pressing this button just makes the iPod option flash on the display, though, and you figure you've done something wrong. So you turn the device OFF.
And the display face lights up. This is the first indication that the device was designed by the American Union of Nonintuitive Interfaces. These guys get a lot of work nowadays. You start again. SOURCE. You get the flashing iPod option. Ah hah: here's another on/off button; let's try that. It turns everything off and powers down the unit. That's an option you've never had on an alarm clock before; if we had world enough and time, we could consider the possible scenarios in which one would want to power down the alarm clock. None come to mind.
Speaking of roosters, having spent some time in tropical climes where they run around wild, I can attest that the notion that they crow at dawn is a myth that has been foisted on city slickers like me. Or rather, that they only crow at dawn. I hear them crowing at dawn, at sunset, at lunchtime, at 2 AM. They may be good at waking you up, but not at any particularly useful time.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:55 AMWell, probably not quite this desperate (be sure to read the PS). At least not yet.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:59 PM...than a blogge by Sir Iowahawke on that ArchBisheoppe Of Canterbeerry:
25 Sayeth the pilgryms to Bishop Rowan,26 "Father, we do not like howe thynges are goin'.
27 You know we are as Lefte as thee,
28 But of layte have beyn chaunced to see
29 From Edinburgh to London-towne
30 The Musslemans in burnoose gowne
31 Who beat theyr ownselfs with theyr knyves
32 Than goon home and beat theyr wyves
33 And slaye theyr daughtyrs in honour killlynge
34 Howe do we stoppe the bloode fromme spillynge?"
35 The Bishop sipped upon hys tea
36 And sayed, "an open mind must we
37 Keep, for know thee well the Mussel-man
38 Has hys own laws for hys own clan
39 So question not hys Muslim reason
40 And presaerve ye well social cohesion."
Reade, thee, the reste.
It cood be only the product of an undhimmified English major.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:16 PMIf they weren't, this joke wouldn't be funny.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:29 AMTest your knowledge of collectivists.
It's just as much of a challenge as trying to distinguish between passages of the Unibomber's manifesto and Earth In The Balance
That's really the headline. Wonder how hard they had to look to find it.
Should that copy editor be fired, or promoted?
Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:20 AMGlobal warming will lead to an increase in zombie attacks.
I blame George Bush.
Fortunately, some of us have been prepared for a while.
[Mid-afternoon update]
Saved by the sun:
The Canadian Space Agency's radio telescope has been reporting Flux Density Values so low they will mean a mini ice age if they continue.Like the number of sunspots, the Flux Density Values reflect the Sun's magnetic activity, which affects the rate at which the Sun radiates energy and warmth. CSA project director Ken Tapping calls the radio telescope that supplies NASA and the rest of the world with daily values of the Sun's magnetic activity a "stethoscope on the Sun." In this case, however, it is the "doctor" whose health is directly affected by the readings.
This is because when the magnetic activity is low, the Sun is dimmer, and puts out less radiant warmth. If the Sun goes into dim mode, as it has in the past, the Earth gets much colder.
Take that, undead!
Zombies and vampires. Is there any problem the sun can't fix?
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:10 AMApparently, women have thicker skulls than men.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:57 PMOK, amidst my ongoing MT template woes, I want to bring your attention to the nine manliest names in the world. Well, the English-speaking world, anyway. Though some of them are Germanic.
Anyway. I know a man who works (or worked) for British Aerospace named Roger Longstaff. I think that beats most on the list, myself. And it's Anglo-Saxon as all get out.
The post title, of course, is the name that Homer Simpson picked for himself when he decided that he was ashamed of his name (not for anything that he did, though he should have been multiple times over) but when it was used for an embarrassing television character. As he notes, he saw it on a hair dryer.
And yes, I know you're dying to comment on this. I'm working on it.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:50 PMWith Jonah Goldberg, about his new book
January 6, 2008
MANCHESTER (APUPI)
In the days leading up to the crucial primary in this crucial state, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney put his money where his mouth is today in the hard-fought race for the Republican nomination.
"I am the candidate of change!," he declared.
"To prove it," he went on, "I am going to use my millions to provide every New Hampshire voter who shows up at the polls on Tuesday with a huge bag of nickels, to spend on whatever you wish, whether it be a down payment on your five thousand dollar fee for John McCain's scamnesty program, or your first month's payment on my mandatory health-insurance plan. We'll even provide a truck to help you carry the loot home."
In related news in the Democrat primary, Senator Hillary Clinton, who used the word "change" at least three hundred and forty times in last night's debate, before transcribers got tired of counting, reiterated her commitment to it in a town hall meeting here today. "I promise that if I don't win this nomination I will really be making change, even more than I have for the last thirty-five years. And in addition, I'll be asking many of you in this audience, 'would you like fries with that'?"
In unrelated news, several Clinton campaign advisors were admitted to the local emergency room with mysterious head injuries that had the appearance of blows from high-velocity table lamps.
[Update after watching the Republican "forum" which is a much better term than "debate']
Rudy points out that "change" is less important, much less important, than what kind of change we get. I'm not in general a Rudy fan, but kudos. I wish that Fred, who spoke before him on the subject, had made at least that brief point.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:52 PM...and filmed our cat.
Well, except for the very last. She hasn't done that.
Yet.
[Via Geek Press]
Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:13 AMFrom presidential candidate Iowahawk. I think I should start measuring the draperies for my office as Space Czar.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:25 AMMilk prices hit $3.84/gallon in September which was about a buck more than gasoline. My solution: put ice in milk glasses, then add 15% ethanol to the milk to be required by law. The solution's also known as (White) Russian.
--- Update 12/21, 9:00 PM CST ---
Ethanol should be mandated for 15% of the rocket fuel used in US rockets. That might get ADM to stump for more launches.
Posted by Sam Dinkin at 04:03 PMFred has won another key endorsement, from Frank J.
Somehow, I don't think that this was one of the surprises that Thompson told us to keep an eye out for.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:03 PMSome encomia to his fellow hog wranglers and soy growers, from Iowahawk, who recently suffered a fourth-year bloggiversary:
As a native of the Hawkeye State, with family roots stretching five generations deep into the fertile black topsoil of America's heartland pork basket, I have to roll my eyes when I hear these ignorant, envious complaints, which sometimes shows up in cruel jokes like "do you know what 'Iowa' stands for? Idiots Out Walking Around!" Hardy har har. Well guess what? You never hear Iowans joking about "Nerds Eating Weak Yellowy Overcooked Rubbery Kernels" or "Corn Appears Like It's For Old Rats, Not Iowa Animals." We could, but we don't, because we're not a bunch of jealous, insecure people with inferiority complexes about our corn production, and ear length and girth, like some 'Super Tuesday' states I could name.Unfortunately, the jealous resentment of non-Iowa states sometimes takes a more pernicious form, such as trying to "leapfrog" Iowa by scheduling their primaries earlier and earlier. Nice try, non-Iowa states. You want to move to January 20th? Fine, we'll reschedule to the 14th. January 7, you say? We'll take Christmas Eve. No matter how early you set your political alarm clocks, Iowa will already be down in the electoral kitchen, waiting to serve you a couple of delicious sizzling strips of candidate bacon from our caucus frying pan. It's our job, and it's not like we've got anything better to do.
If you are a political activist from one of the various non-Iowa states, let me first say I understand the hurt and frustration and resentment you probably feel toward my state, and the overwhelming attention it gets during the campaign season. But I will also tell you that the most important step toward healing is acceptance: acceptance of your own natural insignificance, and the fact that Iowa will always be first because it is the one state uniquely qualified to be America's official Presidential Sniff Tester.
Aren't you glad we have Iowans to pick our presidents for us? Let us give thanks.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:36 PMA "How To Spot A Cylon" poster.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:45 PMIsn't this a little premature? There are still a couple weeks left in the year. One or two of them could still get edged out.
Of course, I'm not sure that any of them top this guy:
Earl Mott: Did you just shoot at me?Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:10 PMKen Kessler: No, there's police men everywhere.
Earl Mott: Do you think that I look that stupid?
Ken Kessler: Yes, you do!
Lt. Bender: GIVE THE BAG TO BOZO, DROP THE GUN, AND PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR.
Earl Mott: Who said that?
Lt. Walters: This could very well be the stupidest person on the face of the earth. Perhaps we should shoot him.
Lt. Bender: IT'S THE POLICE DEPARTMENT.
Earl Mott: Really?
Lt. Bender: NO! WE'RE THE NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION!
Please don't destroy my American dream.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:46 AMFirst draft. This is pretty funny. I particularly like the "Pentecostals" options.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:00 AMAll week so far. Here's Monday's installment, yesterday's and today's.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:04 AMHere's my favorite.
[via Geek Press]
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:06 AMI wish that George Bush would actually do this:
The day’s events began when the White House sent an ox cart to pick up Mr. Gore at his hotel, where he had arrived by S.U.V. motorcade last night following a charter jet flight to Washington D.C.All lights had been extinguished at the White House, and the thermostats set to zero, in preparation for the former vice president’s arrival. The fireplaces were cool and devoid of logs. A Bush aide gave Mr. Gore a pair of official White House ear muffs, and guided him to the Oval Office, through the darkened hallways, with the help of a hand-cranked flashlight.
It might prove once and for all that he's not snippy.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:00 PMSomeone has intercepted the IMs between Giuliani and Pat Robertson.
It's still not as funny as this one, though.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:02 PMI mean, what could be scarier than a conspiracy of law professors?
Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:37 AMA tale of true horror: Night of the Living Democrats. Of course, Bob Hope beat them to it, by decades.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:24 AMMinesweeper, the movie.
[Via Geekpress]
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:21 AMAs a former Michiganian (not "Michigander," which is an atrocity on the language) now living in the Sunshine State, I laughed out loud at this exchange over at Free Republic (in response to the embarrassing disquisition on American map-reading ability by the unfortunate beauty pageant contestant):
Just be glad she wasn’t asked to explain why we Michiganders show our location in the state by pointing to a spot on our hand.I'm sure glad you're not from Florida.
Of course, it would make it tough for the distaff Floridians to describe the location of their abode. I mean, almost all of us have hands. Also, even for the guys, it only works when we're detumesced. Which, come to think of it, would be the likely state if you were dropping trou to show people where you live.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:16 AMLileks is blogging, hilariously, from the Minnesota State Fair.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:56 PM"Doug From Upland" has a request of Sandy Berger:
Do you think you could take the time to go to the Clinton Library to review all of the documents? If you are able to fit that into your schedule, we will trust your judgment in determining which are most important for the American people to see before the next presidential election.Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:20 AMBecause I doubt that the security will be as intense as at the National Archives, I am hoping that you will be able to stuff them into your pants, take them out of the building, and leave them under a travel trailer near the site. I will provide the location of the travel trailer when I hear from you that you will be able to perform this act of patriotism.
When I saw this headline, I wasn't sure whether or not it was a joke (I'm pretty sure it is).
It reminds me of the old joke about the farmer who had a mule. His barn door was a little short, and every time the mule went through it, his ears would brush against the upper frame. So he got out a saw and cut two notches for the ears to pass through. After his neighbor came over in response to the sound of the barn collapsing, he asked the farmer why he did it. After the explanation, he asked, "Well, why didn't you just dig a trench through the doorway?" The farmer replied, "It was his ears that were too long, not his legs."
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:30 AMIt's categorized under "Humor," but maybe I need a "Black Humor" category. Iowahawk has a special treat: a first-hand report of the British bombings, from one of the Dr. Evils:
So I said fine, let's draw straws again. Because, hey, what are the odds of me pulling martyrdom duty twice in a row? Guess I should have been a stat major, because there I was holding the short stick again. When Bilal pulled the other short stick, I just went ahead and volunteered my Jeep because I figured the way this day was going it was gonna get blown up one way or the other.When Bilal and I got back to my house Jumanah had just gotten back from Tesco and was unloading groceries. "I thought you were supposed to be in Paradise by now," she said, in that stupid irritating voice. "Change of plans," I said. "We need to head up to Glasgow to blow up the airport."
Here it came again. The Look.
"Um, and we need to use the Jeep."
The Look X 2.
"And our faces are all over the TV, so we need you to drive us."
I won't even bother trying to describe her face at that point. We loaded up the rest of the explosive cannisters in the back of the Jeep and headed north on the M1 in the middle of the out-of-town holiday rush traffic. Jumanah pretty much seethed the entire way, complaining about the traffic and the gasoline fumes. Needless to say when we finally got to Glasgow and dropped her off at a roadside cafe, I was pretty much geared up for the sweet release of death.
Okay, so Bilal and I get psyched up, check all the equipment to make sure it's ready for a big boom, point the Jeep at the terminal, and mash the throttle. I'm shouting "Allahu Akbar," and Bilal's shouting "Allahu Akbar" and "Go Martyrs" just like the old pep squad days at CJU. And I'm thinking, "oil up them virgins Allah, 'cause Dr. K's luck is about to change." BAAAAM! Right into the glass.
I was probably out for a two, three seconds. Bilal and I peeled our broken noses out of the airbags, which meant we were still alive, which meant the goddamn cannisters didn't explode, again. Maybe we went through into the terminal and killed some infidels, I thought, then I saw we hadn't made it in more than a couple inches into the terminal. I mean, WTF? The Jeep salesman kept going on about how the Jeep was this awesome unstoppable American SUV that crusader cowboys use to bulldoze their way through mountain forests, with an easy payment plan, and the damn thing can't make it through a bloody plate glass window. I restart the engine and now the piece of shit just sits there spinning the tyres. "All wheel traction," my arse.
...and it didn't take very long. Dogs against Romney.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:30 PMFor things like this:
The rain began. Ten, twenty tentative drops on the windshield, then whoa: angry pounding sheets. All over town, a million ant colonies suffered their own Johnstown flood. Imagine if they were capable of putting up small historical markers. There would be billions of them. They’d be so numerous as to be unremarkable, even though they were made by ants. Little kids would collect them, but they’d get bored after a while and move on to Yu-gi-Oh. Nothing ants do really impresses us, in the end; it's amazing, but they have no idea what they're doing. They're the million monkeys who typed Shakespeare, right under our feet.Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:26 AM
Treacher and Iowahawk debate how to make The View watchable. I have to go with the Hawk--can't be done.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:20 AMIn the war on colon cancer, we are all GIs.
Posted by Sam Dinkin at 12:16 PMThe Onion has broken the code for the New York Times' choice of story subjects.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:38 PM...or deliberate? You be the judge.
Oh, and if they decide to change it, here's what it is:
Royals To Get A Taste Of Angels' Colon
Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:22 PMFunny results of what happens when you don't study.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:10 AMHere is the one-size-fits-all story.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:04 AMBoy, when Rosie thinks you've gone over the line, you're pretty radical:
"One square! Has she seen my a**?"
And Don Surber has penned a song about it:
All I wanna do, is wipe my bum...
What a gift to the blogosphere.
[Evening update]
Instapundit has more. As I said, a gift.
[Update at 8:20]
Now she's saying that it was a joke.
Yeah.
Right.
A joke.
Just like John Kerry's.
[Update a couple minutes later]
Well, you know, I did go back and read the original blog post that set off the kerfuffle, and while I'm not familiar with her other writings or her general blogging style, I'm willing to believe that she was in fact being (or at least attempting to be) humorous (the bit that she added from her brother, about washing the single square, admittedly helped). I know that I've suffered in the past from people taking seriously posts meant to be satirical (though it does help to identify it in the post category). so I'm willing to cut her some slack.
But it seemed like an unusual source of satire on that subject.
So, what do my commenters think? Do we believe her?
Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:49 PMThis is pretty funny.
"Halp us, Jon Cary--We're Stuck In A Cave."
It's fascinating how an auto insurance ad campaign can so quickly become a cultural icon.
[Update]
OK, it's an oldie (a few months). But I missed it the first time around.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:36 PM...if he'd had a blog as a teenager. Unintentionally funny comic-book panels.
Why yes, there is a boring discussion on insurance for reusable launch vehicles going on. Why do you ask?
[Via Geek Press]
Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:28 PMI understand that parts of the transcript were redacted. What is the government hiding? I mean, if he was capable of all of the heinous things described, what else was he capable of?
My few of my guesses as to what else he confessed to:
Hey, you'll say anything under duress...
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:40 AMFinally, the Democrats have found a strategic redeployment that they can actually implement.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:16 AMPrior to the web, it would have been almost impossible to put together a collection of cats that look like Hitler. And just to keep it on topic, don't miss kitlers in space.
'Tis a wondrous age in which we are blessed to live.
[Update in the afternoon]
I know, I shouldn't let my mind wander down such dark paths, but will the ultimate result of this be these people getting their cats together to create a new goosestepping (but softly) and saluting breed? What would the ultimate kitler look like? Would personality traits be important, or merely physical resemblance? Perspiring minds want to know.
Some Freeper found this story, about the return of the beaver to New York City, after two hundred years. As one of the commenters notes, the jokes just tell themselves.
They named it "Jose." As another commenter notes, it must be building dams, and doing the work that American beavers just won't do.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:43 PMThis means war.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:06 PMFrank J. has a new book out
It's a compilation of many of his blog posts for the past few years. I guess I should finish mine.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:06 AMLileks is mercilessly mocking a haughty and pretentious French person.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:17 AM“Early birds have to eat worms.”“Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what your country can do for me.”
“Mr. Gorbachev, paint that wall!"
Terry Lane probably isn't amused, though.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:00 AM...on drugs. This is pretty funny.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:20 AMHere's a warm and bubbly Christmas story about a flatulent turtle. That would be a great band name.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:50 AMThis won't put an end to the humans versus robots debate, but it should.
Via emailer Jon Bossard, who notes:
The argument that robotic missions are far cheaper and more effective than human missions is belied by the fact that, even with more than half a dozen robotic missions to Mars, we still don’t have an unimpeachable answer as to whether or not there’s water there or not. I think this is one of the fundamental issues of telemetered data: the necessarily small number of measured parameters allows for too many possible plausible explanations, as opposed to a human explorer which would be using a much larger number of “meat sensors”, and can thus develop an interpretation in real time with better fidelity.Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:50 AM
On the Pillsbury Doughboy:
...a few weeks ago I made disparaging remarks about the Green Lantern; this was not meant to disparage his creator, who has died – but not before he hit 91. (via Boing.) He was part of an advertising team that birthed the Pillsbury Doughboy, an ingeniously conceived icon whose implications are best not considered. (What separates him from the other dough? Self-awareness, upright stance, a modicum of shame [he clothes his head and neck] and an easy, ingratiating rapport with the meat-giants who feast on his kin. What was his goal, exactly? Perhaps he wanted to shape our conceptions of dough – not what it was, but what it could be. Perhaps – and more likely, really – he had found himself come to life, realized that a horrible life of experimentation and confinement awaited, and deftly disarmed the Meat Giants by tempting them with delicious biscuits and sugar-drenched rolls. We can only imagine him alone at night, his day’s work done, trying to shape dough into the form of a companion, and breathing into its mouth. Failure; every time, failure. He wept small clear perfect tears, and they tasted like beer.)Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:39 AM
OK, so the Googlebombing campaign didn't work yet, but the Yahoo bombing seems to have. We're number one!
Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:00 PMThe Freepers have gotten a hold of the necrobestiality story:
This guy has already sold the movie rights to his story. It's gonna be called Brokebuck Mountain.Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:11 PM
How Dems really feel about the military.
Hey, next time, do a little research?
You know, in the future, when you look up the phrase "botched joke," there will be a picture of John Kerry.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:11 AMI don't usually do deep political analysis, particularly when it comes to getting down and dirty with demographics, but I'm fascinated by this story, and it seems particularly appropriate on Halloween:
An analysis of state-wide records by the Poughkeepsie Journal reveals that 77,000 dead people remain on election rolls in New York State, and some 2,600 may have managed to vote after they had died. The study also found that Democrats are more successful at voting after death than Republicans, by a margin of four-to-one, largely because so many dead people seem to vote in Democrat-dominated New York City.
In light of today's holiday, on which, like Kwanzaa for blacks and Cinco de Mayo for Mexicans, this demographic is particularly celebrated, I'm going to ask the question that nobody seems to ever ask, and one that the Republicans have to be asking themselves: how have they lost that key demographic, the metabolically challenged?
Admittedly, the Dems don't have the dead vote locked up in the same way that they do the black vote (only four to one, rather than the ten to one they traditionally get from the African American community), but that's still a huge "fog a mirror" gap. And the implications have to be frightening for the Republicans. After all, this is the largest demographic group of all--there are many times as many dead people as there are living ones, and that's likely to remain the case for some time to come, and probably forever, unless we develop radical life extension technologies.
So far, the GOP has been fortunate, because, whether due to apathy, or barriers thrown up at the polls, the dead don't tend to vote at all, by and large. But perhaps, if they could not only get many of them to switch party affiliation, but also mount a huge GOTDV drive, they could actually take advantage of this huge potential voting block, and take away a traditional Democrat advantage.
So what is it about the Dems that appeals to the non-living voters?
It really is a mystery, at least at first glance. You'd think that dead people would be naturally conservative. What more static, unchangeable state can there be, after all, but the grave? And after all, it isn't the Republicans who want to tax the dead. You'd think that these people would be voting their pocketbooks, even if the leather in them is rotting away. And yet they still continue to pull the donkey lever.
It can't be the entitlements: they're all at a stage of their life at which they don't really need the Social Security and Medicare any more.
Is it abortion on demand? That wouldn't seem to be a life-or-death issue (so to speak) for people well beyond their prime child-bearing years. And state of health.
Is it the war? The dead have little to fear from war. Their stuff's not going to get broken, because their descendants have it now, and what they didn't pass on, the Democrats taxed away. As for the last measure of devotion, how much worse can it get than being dead? That can't be it.
How about gun control? Well some, perhaps even many, of the dead may be dead as a result of guns. But given all of the other frailties and diseases that come with being human, it seems unlikely that this is a significant number of them. I can't imagine that this is what appeals to them about the gun-control party.
Support for the UN, and immigration? Well, here's a good possibility. After all, most of the dead aren't American citizens. Of course, the ones that aren't, aren't eligible to vote, either. But then, neither are dead people, so this hardly seems to be a major barrier.
You know, I think we may have it.
The key for Republicans is to really tighten up on the voting rolls, and only allow American dead to vote, and actually require, you know, IDs and stuff. Of course, we can expect the Dems to scream in outrage, about "voter intimidation," etc., to such a policy.
You know, on second thought, maybe we should just put up a fence around graveyards.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:06 PMSpirit is acting up, and acting out.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:55 AMHoward Dean is still struggling to modulate his message for the Red States:
Despite what you may have heard on Fox News, we Democrats know what issues are on the minds of heartland conservatives like you. We know that your number one concern of is the safety of your children -- whether they are plucking their banjos on the back porch, speaking tongues to snakes at Jesus Camp, or torching crosses at your local Nascar racing contest. We also know that the number one threat to your children's safety is the scourge of international homo-ism. That's why we at the DNC have created "The Contract With American Hillbillies," a new multipoint investigation program to identify and root out conservative stealth homoism before it threatens you or your precious little inbreeds.Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:24 AM...And if their rampant homoism weren't enough, the GOP has further betrayed traditional conservatives by secretly nominating negros in races across the country. Yes, you read that correctly: actual negros. No matter how many times they try to hide the genetic truth from conservatives like you, GOP nominees like Michael Steele, Lynn Swann and Ken Blackwell are black as the ace of spades. Imagine the devastating impact on US property values if the world learns that more of those types have moved into the Congressional neighborhood.
...Are you fed up with the GOP's miscegenation and gay bathhouse shenanigans? I know we've had our differences in the past, but maybe it's time for conservatives like you to give Democrats a fresh new look. The Republicans like to talk about having a "big tent," but we at the DNC are actually taking concrete steps to bring conservatives back in the fold. Just look at our innovative Iraq quagmire withdrawal plan, which has earned the praise and endorsement of rock-ribbed, traditional American conservatives like Pat Buchanan, Fred Phelps, and David Duke.
Can't get any more full, in fact, than Jane Galt does.
Full disclosure: I met Malcolm at Harvard, where I used to cheat off of him in calculus exams. Now I have to invite him to my annual Christmas party, have dinner with him and his appalling wife three times a year, and say nice things about all his books. Kids, let this be a lesson to you.Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:28 AM
I put up a post over on sci.space.history, in which I had complained about the ancient joke about the Poles sending an expedition to the sun, in which they'd go at night to avoid being burned up.
I pointed out that jokes about ethnic groups that just point out how stupid they are are pointless, since the groups themselves are interchangeable, and have nothing to do with any actual characteristics or history of that ethnic group. In that vein, I provided an example of an appropriate (and I think funny) ethnic joke. I figured that, since I spent the time typing it over on Usenet, I might as well post it here as well:
A guy is walking down the street in Gdansk, and he sees a lamp. He picks it up, brushes the dust off it, and of course, out pops a genie.Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:16 PM"In reward for releasing me from my bondage, I will grant you three wishes. What would you like?"
The guy thinks about it for a while, then he says, "I'd like the Chinese to pillage Warsaw."
The genie scratches his head at the strange request, then shrugs and says, "OK, here you go."
The Chinese march in and pillage the Polish capital.
The genie says, "OK, now what's your second wish? Make it a good one this time."
The guy thinks about it for a while again, and then he says, "I'd like the Chinese to pillage Warsaw."
The genie is wondering if he hears him right.
"What do you mean? That was your first wish. They've been there, done that. Don't you want something else?"
The guys says, "No, I want the Chinese to pillage Warsaw."
The genie throws up his hands, and has the Chinese pillage Warsaw again. This time no woman is left unraped, no one is left alive, many of the buildings have been leveled.
"OK. You get one more wish. Don't waste it, like you did the others."
The guy thinks for a long time, and finally, he says, "You know, what I'd really like, is for the Chinese to pillage Warsaw."
Now the genie is about to have a fit.
"What are you talking about?! There's nothing left to pillage!"
"I don't care. I want the Chinese to pillage it anyway."
Well, the genie has to honor the wish, and this time, when all the festivities are over, the former Polish capital is nothing but a smoldering crater.
The genie says, "You know, we aren't supposed to ask these things, but I've just got to know. Why? Why, three times, you have the Chinese pillage your own country's capital?"
The guy says, "Look, they did it three times, right?"
The genie says, "Right."
"So, every time they do that, they cross Russia twice.
Against the teenager borg.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:51 AMI'd enjoy this pre-flight announcement a lot more than the stuff they usually say. Speaking of which, I'm flying to San Jose this afternoon to attend Space 2006. Blogging may be light this week.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:29 AMAmerican's aren't ready for an apocalypse.
I blame George Bush.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:47 AMThe demotion of Pluto was seized on by the Democratic National Committee as another Bush Administration failure. “Not since the days of Herbert Hoover has our solar system had only eight planets,” said Howard Dean, DNC Chairman. “Bush has wrecked the economy, mismanaged the war on terror and, now, he’s lost an entire planet. Is there no end to the bungling of the worst president any country has ever had?”Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:26 PMSenator John Kerry (D-Mass.) asserted that the humiliation of the downgrading of the only planet discovered by an American was due to Bush’s diplomatic ineptitude. “I would have worked closely with our European allies to build the kind of international coalition necessary to avert tragedies like this,” Kerry proclaimed.
...from Chaucer. Figures.
Spoyler alert: If ye haue nat yet sene the performaunce of 'Serpentes on a Shippe,' rede nat of the romaunce, for it doth telle of the manye suprises and straunge eventes that happen in the course of the storye, and thus it mayhap shall lessen yower enjoiement of the performaunce yt self.
I just think that it's great that he finally got a blog after all these centuries.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:55 PMI haven't had much (anything, in fact) to say about the Pluto imbroglio. I do think a lot of the commentary about it is kind of silly, anthropomorphizing an icy rock with talk of "poor Pluto." Get over it, folks.
Here's what I would have written, if I'd had the time and more inspiration.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:18 AM
Can't wait to extrapolate to this decade (aka, "The Naughties"...
[Via an emailer--if anyone knows to whom to credit it, let me know]
Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:15 PMBut pretty amusing. Cliches from alt.s3x.stories.
Blond goddesses with gigantic breasts and gorgeous bodies are all secretly in love with nerdy computer geeks, and their ambition is to move into the apartment next door to a computer geek.The Superbowl is every wife's big chance to finally get to f**k 2-4 of her husband's closest friends, and these friends are always attractive.
There are several Trek-s3x-related ones as well:
Odo quite simply IS the best f**k in the galaxy (he's a shape shifter, do the math).Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:54 AM
Bridget Johnson has the most shallow analysis of the Mideast war ever.
I like it, though.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 04:27 PMScott Ott is asking the question that's surely on everyone's mind.
[Update in the evening]
Michael Clarke explains the weird fascination between Jihadis and aircraft.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:48 AMFrom that famous Jihadi love poet, Iowahawk.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:57 PMYou know, while Greg Gutfeld is pretty funny, the funniest thing about his pieces at the Huffpo are the outraged commenters. It's like poking a stick into a nest of angry hornets. Errr...except they aren't as smart.
And I have to admit that I do share their questions about why Arianna continues to allow him to post--he's so out of place over there.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:34 AMInstapinch has more on our daring experimenter, speaking truth to physics!
[Before bed update]
Here, courtesy of Football Fans For Truth, are the top ten Scholars for 911 Truth.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:04 PM...but still, I have to say, I like raw fish. Even if most folks I know think that it's just bait. Just call me a sucker.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:24 PMOK, so, I'm procrastinating from my CEV spec review.
But even though it's not the right time of the year, who can pass up a rampaging Easter Bunny.
Not me, apparently.
I really need a "Sick Humor" category...
Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:36 PMIowahawk features a return of the "rat pack." Or is it a weasel pack?
Also, don't miss the Hoosegow Honey beauty contest.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:21 AMI thought it was in fact pretty damned funny:
Rep. Steve King (news, bio, voting record), R-Iowa, was discussing the June 7 death of terrorist leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi on Saturday when he mentioned 85-year-old Helen Thomas, who has covered the White House for nearly 50 years and is a columnist for Hearst Newspapers."There probably are not 72 virgins in the hell he's at," King said about al-Zarqawi, in a recording transcribed by Radio Iowa. "And if there are, they probably all look like Helen Thomas."
But then, I'm not a politician. And would probably be an utter failure as one.
Oh, and here's a shocker:
Thomas did not immediately return calls seeking comment.Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:48 PM
Lileks, on the Dems sloganeering:
...the Dems needed something new to accompany their new vision for Western civilization. The winner was another phrase focus-tested into a thin smear of rhetorical mush: "A New Direction for America." Disaffected Republicans were heartened. You mean less spending, quicker confirmation of conservative judges, permanent tax cuts and increased military outlays? Well, no. Nancy Pelosi announced that should the Democrats retake the House, item No. 1 will be bold and sweeping: They will "give America a raise by increasing the minimum wage."Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:02 PMApparently Pelosi believes that America makes the minimum wage. The population consists of industrial workers who get a dime each day for the number of fingers they haven't lost to the machinery, a few million skinny Bob Cratchits shivering in underheated counting houses, and six plutocrats whose tight control over Consolidated Spats, Amalgamated Whalebone and other nefarious trusts keeps everyone poor and shoeless.
The minimum wage was indeed a New Direction -- last century, anyway. But when the unofficial GOP slogan is "Fight and win the War on Terror by blowing up more bad guys real good," a call for a wage boost is like running against FDR with a pledge to reduce postal rates.
Lileks has found some correspondence from the Al-Qaeda-in-Iraq numero uno du jour.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:08 AMIn his usual, understated way, Iowahawk has an exclusive--Zarqawi's last dispatch. No more guest commentaries from him. Even better, though, no more head chopping. Well, except for his...
Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:16 AMSafely in LA, enconsced in my hotel room, and I have to note that Geoffrey Chaucer has been running his blog for a year or so now, and he's getting spam. Hilarious spam. With equally hilarious advice in comments.
[Via Judith Weiss]
Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:38 PMI don't know if this is really the commencement address that Gene Weingarten delivered to the U of Maryland Journalism School grads, but if not, someone should. I'll have some advice for journalism grads, prospective journalism students, and journalism faculty, if I ever get around to finishing the essay (and related book) on which I'm working on that subject.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:18 PMThis is pretty funny (given the proselytizing I've had to recently endure in my Fedora upgrade thread). Be sure to take the poll, too:
What would you do if Macintosh's Witnesses came to your door?Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:16 AM
- Just hide and hope they go away.
- Welcome them with open arms and an open node.
- Get down on my knees and praise Jobs!
- Join them in their crusade against those Redmond devils!
- Try to convert them to Linux.
- Nitpick about Macs being more expensive and how you think there's no software for them.
- Put them in the Trash.
With the upcoming onset of hurricane season in a few days, Dave Barry has some advice for residents (like him, and me) of the hurricane belt. I call this humor, because like most Dave Barry advice, it is, but it's also a public service (albeit a futile one) for the irremediably clueless:
As you know, Florida Power & Light had some problems last hurricane season, when it was discovered that, because of an error in the engineering specifications, thousands of the company's power poles were in fact really tall breadsticks. FPL has been working hard on this problem, and a company spokesperson states that this year, if we are struck by another Wilma-level hurricane, FPL personnel will immediately implement an action plan designed to provide all customers, as quickly and as safely as possible, with realistic-sounding excuses as to why their power will not be restored for an indeterminate period of time.Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:59 PM
...about the Ten Commandments. [Keyboard warning, and you need bandwidth]
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:48 PMI'm taking Patricia out to dinner tonight, then putting her on a red eye back to Florida, and I'm going up to Mojave tomorrow, so probably light posting for the next day or so. To hold you over, though, read about the latest ground-breaking research in fish f@rts. Let the japery in the comments section commence!
Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:42 PMFrom BBC World Service, "Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott has confessed to having had an affair with one of his secretaries. BBC British Affairs correspondent reports"
this story. A red letter day for affairs when they get their own correspondent.
...to destroy the earth. Just in case you want to...you know...destroy the earth.
For those who actually haven't given it that much thought, it turns out that it's not as easy as it sounds.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:30 PMDon't do these things in an interview.
[via Geek Press]
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:59 AMIowahawk has outsourced his blog to Bangalore.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:11 PM...proving she's not a nutcase, to Congressman Kingston:
I am not a nutcase and I am not an unpatriotic war criminal like you and others who still support the most failed presidency in the history of our country ...
See, right there, she says so herself!
You couldn't make this stuff up.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:11 PMHARRY: ...the first phase of our multi-faceted plan focuses on the number one key to restoring national security: getting Osama bin Laden. Even as we speak, this dangerous fugitive is still on the loose. As the leader of a Democratic majority in Congress, I will make sure that the head Army and Navy generals get a clear and unambiguous message: "Get Osama" is "Job One."NANCY: But it is important to do smart too!
HARRY: That's right, Nancy. That's why our tough, no-nonsense emails to the generals will include pictures of Osama bin Laden, so they will know who to get.
NANCY: But whats about disguises?
HARRY: Way ahead of you Nancy! Using state-of-the-art PhotoShop smart computers, we will create simulated pictures of Osama bin Laden wearing a mustache, soul patch, trucker hat, and so on, and these will also be included in our emails. Then, the generals will distribute the pictures to the soldiers, and they can then make a surprise attack at Pakistan and get Osama bin Laden, no matter his latest look. Imagine the looks on the terrorists' faces!
I can't wait until November, so I can vote for these people. They sound smart! And tough!
Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:36 PMA Japanese burglar picked the wrong place to burgle:
The burglar, who was unemployed, admitted he was baffled to find himself among sumo wrestlers."First I was caught by a massive man. When the lights turned on, I was surrounded by more than a dozen sumo wrestlers. I was surprised," Kawabata told police, as quoted by Jiji Press.
I'll bet he was.
This reminds me of the scene in "Tremors
I've been hearing about this card for years, but this is the first time I've ever actually seen one.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:58 PMSo I will, too. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...Geoffrey Chaucer's blog. The guy's a comedy genius, if you're into Middle English.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:35 AMNow here is one dumb cluck:
"Who gave you permission to invade my website and block me and anyone else from accessing it???," Taylor wrote to CentOS. "Please remove your software immediately before I report it to government officials!! I am the City Manager of Tuttle, Oklahoma."Few people would initiate a tech support query like this, but these are dangerous times, and Taylor suspected the worst. (Er, but only the world's most boring hacker would break into a site and then throw up a boilerplate about how to fix the hack.)
[Update a few minutes later]
And here's an amusing follow up:
Taylor declined to respond to this reporter's request for comment but did write to a member of El Reg's marketing team.I do not follow instructions that show up when a website that I am not familiar with appears on my computer and I do not think anyone with experience would do so either. Once the Centos site appeared on four computers at one site I contacted our web service provider. The web service provider did not know what could cause the problem and had never heard of "CentOS". I then contacted the internet provider's local office and was told that they did nothing to cause the problem. I checked the building's server and found nothing relating to CentOS on the server. I was then left with only the web page email address to contact. I asked for the strange website to be removed because it blocked my City web site and I could not post public information. I only got help after threatening to contact the FBI.Now I am being flooded with emails from CentOS users that after knowing the answer say the problem was simple. I think this is unjustified and would like for this to stop. Your website should provide useful information and be a credit to the IT world. I do not believe it should be used to incite the users. Your attention to this matter is greatly appreciated.
Welcome to the internet, moron.
My favorite:
If your girl seems to be tired of observing the ceiling pattern then ask her lie on the belly.
I would have never thought of that.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 04:38 AM...and an old one. With Iowahawk. I ran across it in the midst of other web searches.
I have to admit that I learned more from this than I ever knew about him, though none of it is suprising.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:11 PMRemember the shrink who claimed that Ronald Reagan had diminished mental capacity as early as 1980? Well, even at his worst, the former president never fell for a Nigerian email scam:
Guy Gottschalk is asking a judge to remove his father as administrator of the $8-million family partnership that was set up for tax purposes after the death of his mother in 1993. A hearing is set for March 14.Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:44 AMThe suit alleges that Louis Gottschalk destroyed bank records to cover up the amount of his losses.
"While it seems unlikely, even ludicrous, that a highly educated doctor like [Gottschalk] would fall prey to such an obvious con, that is exactly what happened," wrote Guy Gottschalk's attorney in court papers.
...of James Lileks:
And now, the usual relief: a mild and agreeable afternoon followed by choir practice, during which I’ll chat with the wives in the church basement, then go home to one of those Hatty-Green meals I make when I’m on my own. (Well, probably more elaborate; no doubt she just ate boiled dog-paw soup, or something equally cheap. Maybe a potato on a holiday. Speaking of which: why did Scrooge blame the appearance of Marley on some underdone potato? Doesn’t exactly seem like the sort of thing to encourage waking hallucinations, or kids everywhere would go to McDonald’s and ask that the fries be dipped in the fryer for only a second or two. “Marley style,” they’d say, although “a la mode de Ebenezer” would be more accurate.)
He also has more serious thoughts about the creative destruction of video stores.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:08 AM...and save yourself the money for the movie ticket. It's Lego Brokeback Mountain.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:36 AMHere's a pretty funny (and relatively unhomophobic) thread at Free Republic on the movie. I particularly enjoyed the picture of Roy Rogers, and the comment:
Gives a whole new meaning to Buck Rogers then, doesn't it?
See, I knew I could relate this subject to space.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:05 PMI also normally think that blonde jokes are pretty silly, but I have to admit that this is pretty funny.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:26 AMSave yourself the trip over to DU or Kos. Argue with your own automated holiday moonbat.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:18 AMI won the Space Show's first ever message to space competition. There are six this year. The rules of the contest allow a one-page message that takes no more than five minutes to read. My winning message in full:
We taste terrible.
Hear me say it for the aliens here.
At first, it would seem to explain much about Congress, but thinking about it a little more, where would they find brains? Delicious...brains?
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:39 AMIowahawk has the buzz on next year's Hollywood hits:
Cold Humpcrack Creekwater: Two retarded Gay cowgirl sisters (Rene Zellweger, Jenna Jameson) defy a fundamentalist sherriff (Hovercraft Phoenix) and discover love in this 1930's period piece set in the Appalachian outback of Nebraskansaw.Snow Fuji Mountain: Mothra (Toby Damon) and Gamera (Orlando Law) discover forbidden love while destroying Tokyo, in this story of nuclear-triggered sexual awakening.
Angel Soft This: In a shocking and sometimes humorous indictment of the toilet paper industry, filmmaker Morgan Spurlock documents the ravages he suffers after 30 straight days of non-stop buttwiping.
Go read it--there are more.
Also, if you missed it last week, Al Zarquawi was live blogging the Iraqi elections:
Okay, this is starting to suck bigtime. I finished writing thank-you notes to the donkey boys' families, so I switched on the tube to catch CNN. Mohammed H. Prophet, can't they run anything but bad news? "big turnout," "carnival atmosphere," "jubilation" ... I mean, WTF? So I Khalid switched the satellite to BBC, and it was even worse. For f**k sake, it's almost 5 hours 'til Keith Olbermann and I couldn't take that gloom and doom shit any longer, so I fired up the browser and checked some of the dhimmi sites.Holy dung, WTF? It's like a bizarro world where people - even chicks - are voting, and they completely freaking chose to ignore it! Helloooooo, dhimmis, isn't this is the same goddamn system that gave you George Bush?
Warning: wild donkey love involved.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:55 AMThis is a pretty funny satire, but what's even funnier are the clueless commenters.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:57 AMAs one commenter notes, if I ever end up in a firefight, I want it to be against these guys.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:34 AMAl-Zarqawi has been guest blogging at Iowahawk's place again.
Mr. Burge also has a little roundup of news stories that you may not have heard about.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:43 AM...and in the comments section of this blog, is described here.
Note, that in this description, I am the debatee, not (generally) the debater (though we're all occasionally guilty of these things).
Oh, and as you'd expect, the other items on Scott Adams' blog are amusing as well.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:40 PM...is anything like their aviation program, we have nothing to worry about.
Take that, runway! Who's your daddy now?
("Ladies and gentlemen, please keep your seatbelts on until we've finished bouncing to the gate...")
[From the Nav Log]
[Update at 2 PM EST[
A commenter says that it's a fake. It's still pretty funny, though.
By the way, perhaps Mark Whittington should apply for the job of running the Chinese Space Agency's equivalent of the Public Affairs Office. Given the apparent umbrage he takes when anyone disses their space program, he should at least be getting paid for it.
[Update a little while later]
Mark is apparently as unfamiliar with the meaning of the word "ire" as he is with that of "affront."
Hilarious.
Mark, the fact that you seem to have no sense of humor doesn't mean that my comment wasn't meant to be humorous. I have no "ire" toward the Chinese space program. In fact, that's why you always seem to be so upset with me--because I don't take it seriously enough to have "ire" toward it. I wish you'd make up your mind as to how I'm supposed to view it (or how you're supposed to, for that matter). I also wish you'd quit fantasizing my views on things, and feebly attempting to propagate them to the world. I know that's not going to happen, though.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:54 AM...a comments section gone to hilarious hell. Be sure to read the commenters' names.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:17 AM...an on-line gaming chat room:
Stalin: church help mePosted by Rand Simberg at 07:23 AM
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun ****socker
Stalin: rofl
This is pretty funny:
Windows Cluster Server?Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:10 AMAw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
I just got this email from a phisherman attempting to capture my Ebay information:
We recently have determined that different computers have logged onto your eBay account, and multiple password failures were present before the logons. We strongly advice [sic] CHANGE YOUR PASSWORD.If this is not completed by Octomber [sic] 20, 2005, we will be forced to suspend your account indefinitely, as it may have been used for fraudulent purposes. Thank you for your cooperation.
(By the way, the URL for the frauds is at the domain: http://dsl-chn-static-045.45.101.203.touchtelindia.net/ in case someone else wants to turn them in to Ebay and the FBI.)
Note also that I got this email on Novober...errr...November 11. But maybe Octomber comes after that. It's hard to know...
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:49 PM...nuts.
And I mean that in the best (and funniest, perhaps beyond genius) possible way.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:59 PMThe Onion on bird flu in February and Interactivist Info Exchange on hurricanes last September.
Posted by Sam Dinkin at 02:24 PMAt least not lately.
Do what Iowahawk says. If you want to be a good blogger, that is. It's the second in a (hopefully) series.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:22 PMLadies and gentleman, I give you Typhoon Longwang. It could pound Asia pretty hard. It may penetrate deep into the continent. Let's hope it doesn't result in another premature evacuation.
OK, so it's a little juvenile.
Actually, it would have been better if they'd hung that moniker on this storm.
[Update a couple minutes later]
A comment from "Psychobunny" at Free Republic:
If this thing makes landfall in Puntang, the Weather Channel's going to have to go Pay Per View.
[Update again]
And the hits keep coming:
Typhoon LONGWANG is still a small typhoon, but the clouds got more rounded and spiralled. It is forecast to keep intensification for the moment, and the typhoon gets more powerful if it starts to be bigger.Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:44 AM
Apparently Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi is now co-blogging with Iowahawk. He's disappointed in the weekend "morale booster" from Washington, DC:
I don't think I'll ever forget the look of horror in that poor Jordanian kid's eyes when the camera panned across that fugly forest of hairy vegan Heathers and uberbutch Andrea Dworkin manatees. And can you blame the poor trembling kid? Holy fargin' Prophet, sometimes I swear the only thing that keeps me motivated is knowing that a restored Caliphate means these hippie bowsers are gonna have their mugs and their bankles safely shielded under a burqqa.By then the damage was done. I must have spent fifteen minutes trying to calm the boys down, promising them that Paradise is not gonna be a menage-a-72 with a bunch of Unitarian NPR grannies. Luckily, the camera panned to some guy in who was wearing a dynamite belt, which kinda cheered them up momentarily. At that point I didn't have the heart to tell them it was probably fake.
He also thinks that the "peace protestors" are chickenhawks:
You really want to end the infidel occupation? Put down the ANSWER picket sign and book a group tour to Damascus. Flights leave daily, and Delta is Ready When You Are, Moby. We may be running short of martyrs, but we'll make sure to have an eastbound bus waiting for you at the airport.
Read the whole thing, though it has some non-family-friendly words in it. But then, consider the source...
Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:08 AM...who mispells a post title on Free Republic. Read the comments, which are, shall we say...metacomments.
Though the linked article is pretty good, too.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:46 PMFor those who need a little hurricane humor break, Andrew Sullivan has an interesting little Rorschach from the National Weather Service. It only works if you have a prurient mind, though. So despite the post title, I of course have no idea what the joke's all about.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:59 PMIt's that time of year again.
You know what I mean.
Avast, me hearties--it's the day to talk like a pirate.
[Update a couple minutes later]
Which reminds me of how much that recent commercial--you know, the one with the pirate?--irritates me. He has a parrot on his shoulder, and to make sure we know he's a pirate, he says "Arrrggghhh..."
Arrrgggghhh.
Pirates don't say "Arrrggghhh," unless they just sat on a belaying pin, or saw a stupid television commercial. They say "Arrrrrr..."
Stupid television commercial writers.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:18 AMThis Reuters story about a Hubble discovery of a "homeless black hole" provided a lot of grist for the freeper mill:
They realized it was homeless when they noticed a cardboard sign that read "Will suck light for food"...Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:16 AMGive it a government debit card loaded with two grand.
After the Tom Cruise thing, I don't know if this is true, but if it is (or even if it isn't) it's pretty funny.
[Update late Sunday evening]
It seems to be real. Here's another story with a picture of him bailing. It also has a moronic quote from Celine Dion (who despite this should be thanked for her generous contribution).
Posted by Rand Simberg at 04:05 PMLet's all have fun in the comments section planning Bill Clinton's funeral for him.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:55 AMI don't have the stomach to wade through Democratic Underground, or Kos, but I can't imagine that they ever have as funny a thread as this one at Free Republic.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:08 PMShubber Ali played this for me and a few others on his laptop when we were sitting around drinking margaritas out of the pistonless pump Friday night at the Space Access Conference in April.
It's about a ten-minute Ken-Burns-like documentary video, complete with mournful fiddle music and spirituals. You'll find it a gripping and poignant story. You'll also find it an extremely politically-incorrect hoot.
[Via Spacecraft, which has a new URL]
Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:41 AMListen to this when it gets posted tomorrow.
In the early morning the bodies of 14 men were discovered in a shallow mass grave in a rubbish dump in northeastern Baghdad. Some of the victims were blindfolded and appear to have been executed with a shot to the head. Now this news bulletin...BBC radio 15:00 GMT, Friday, May 6, 2005
This gives a new meaning to murderous competition for news delivery.
Posted by Sam Dinkin at 08:04 AMIowahawk is back (sans comments, apparently), from an alphabetical tour of our great land:
“Fire in the hole!” I was deep inside the West Virginia coal mine when I heard the bossman’s voice echo through its maze-like tunnels. I began scurrying for the entrance when suddenly the dynamite blast shook the walls, and I was buried under an avalanche of dirt and support timbers. I struggled and clawed my way toward a faint light, and after several hours I emerged from that tomb into the sweet fresh air of the valley, and hugged the bossman, grateful to be alive. “Um, I think you forgot your pickaxe,” he reminded me. As I headed back down the mineshaft, I heard the bossman calling the dynamite store for more dynamite.Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:08 AM
On NPR this morning I heard the following gem:
A member of Iraq's new parliament has been shot and killed outside her home in Baghdad. It was the first assassination of a member of the National Assembly since the body was elected in January.
I would want to be elected and remembered for my mind.
Posted by Sam Dinkin at 09:07 AMJonah helpfully points out (as do others) that today is not only Earth Day, but Lenin's Birthday.
Coincidence? Yeah, that's what those watermelons want you to think.
[Update at 12:45 PM EDT]
I just realized that it's actually worse than that. The original Earth Day, in 1970 was on the centenary anniversary of his birth.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:11 AMAmidst pathetic whines about plagiarism, Iowahawk has released some previously unseen redneck haiku.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:30 AMOr maybe, since the Oscar debacle, book and movie sales haven't been going too well? After all, Monroe's only a couple hours from his home town of Davison...
Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:49 AMThese images aren't the whole reason, but they sure didn't help. And they're pretty darned funny.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:17 AMEvil comic genius Iowahawk has managed to quit stuffing ham hocks, corn on the cob and strong Hawkeye beer in his face long enough to discover another old teevee script from the seventies featuring that renegade authentic native American, Chutch.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:36 PMIowahawk has a tribute to Dan Rather--the final chapter of the career of Inspector Dan:
Luckily, the tubby guard at Hinderaker's bank was asleep, and I was able to quietly duckwalk past him to the elevator bank. When I arrived at his penthouse offices, Hinderaker and Johnson were sharing a nasty chuckle, as they added another cup into their birdseye maple trophy case.Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:44 AM"I thought I smelled some fried MSM bacon," laughed Johnson. "Why don't you move along to to the Old Discredited Anchorman's Home, Rather? We've got a testimonial dinner tonight."
"Yeah, Danno, it's a little invite-only shindig called Blog of the Year," sneered Hinderaker. "Black tie, class all the way. Now scram, because we're due at Gingiss for a tux fitting."
"Why you filthy, non-journalism degreed..."
Something snapped, and I ran headlong across Hinderaker's sumptuous oriental rug, ready to unleash my fury on the two laughing blog thugs. I soon found out that the carpet was not fixed to the polished parquet underneath, and I went sliding across the room and slammed into a bookcase. I heard birds as a 16-pound volume of the U.S. Banking Code beaned me hard on the head. Momentarily dazed, I stumbled backward, flipping over Hinderaker's desk and lodging my head in his deadly trashcan.
"Ha ha! The funny man is funny."
I was blinded by the trashcan, but I knew that pipsqueak voice anywhere. It was Gnat, Fargo Jimmy's pintsized gun moll.
Breaking the Winds of Freedom. Iowahawk has the breaking details:
To be sure, the revival of People Power in the Middle East is not all due to MoveOn. We must give credit where credit is due. The people of the region have also drawn courage from other role models, like visionary filmmaker Michael Moore; respected intellectuals like Noam Chomsky and Ward Churchill; political trailblazer Dr. Howard Dean; and elected leaders like Ted Kennedy and Maurice Hinchey. These are just some of the fearless dreamers and tireless doers who show, by example, how ordinary folks can speak out up to corrupt fundamentalist dictators.
They're blowing you and blowing me. Heh.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:40 PMMarch 2, 2005
WASHINGTON DC (APUPI) Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) announced today that, as part of the ongoing modernization of Senate procedures, it will be instituting a new rule of debate, to be known as the Byrd Rule.
"Standards of debate have evolved rapidly in the Internet age, with the plethora of on-line discussion over the past couple decades," he explained. "On Usenet, there is a seemingly immutable law that any discussion that goes on sufficiently long will eventually introduce some reference or comparison to Adolf Hitler or his political party. Many newsgroups have an unwritten tradition that, at this point, the discussion can be considered to be over, with the person who made the introduction having lost the debate."
"Accordingly," he went on, "we are going to make such a rule explicit in the Senate, apply it retroactively to the recent peculiar remarks of the most distinguished and eloquent senior Senator from West Virginia, of whom my esteem is so high as to not be able to find the words to express it, and honor him in perpetuity by naming it after him."
It's believed to be the first time that this rule has been applied to a legislative body, though it has long been usefully applied in on-line discussion groups on topics as diverse as geology, meteorology, antique car collecting, and ferret breeding.
Not all were pleased with the new rule. Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) expressed great disappointment at the proposed change, and promised to filibuster against it.
"This is a destruction of the long Senatorial tradition of free expression, and give and take," he declared, angrily.
"The next thing you know, they'll be declaring the battle won when an aging and senile Senator rambles on about his little dog Billy. Put simply, it is a blatant attempt by these new Nazis, these little Goebbels, who have taken over our august body, to stifle debate," he proclaimed.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:04 AMI just got this as an email signature from an email correspondent who was sending me an attachment:
"Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: 'Mankind.' Basically, it's made up of two separate words - 'mank' and 'ind'. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind."
Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:44 AMWith another beloved American holiday coming up, there's a new terror threat.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:28 AMHere's an amusing response to the fake capture of the soldier in Iraq.
[Update a few minutes later]
Osama's been captured, too!
[Another update]
Team America to the rescue!
Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:27 PMNot quite as much fun as Debbie Does Dallas, but it's pretty amusing.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:00 AMIowahawk has some predictions for 2005. I hope that his football team does better than he expects.
He also managed to find what Nick Coleman wrote before those spoilsport editors got hold of it. Thank heaven for editors, even when they don't really exist.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:23 PMBursting bras.
Now these guys (and Glenn) will know what to get her for Christmas.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:01 AMIowahawk, fresh from his trip across the pond terrorizing London, is whining about voter fraud, and he's got the Reverend Jesse Jackson on his side.
I think it's time for him to Move On.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:05 PMASCII cows.
Someone had waaaay too much time on their hands.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:51 AMFrom my new home-town paper, PEST sufferers have formed support groups:
“The media outlets, especially Rush Limbaugh and his ilk on talk radio, scare our patients to death,” said Gordon, facilitator for the meetings. “More than anything else, people with PEST tremble physically.”Gordon said the Kerry supporters in therapy are predominantly Jewish and older than 50. Most are registered independents and all live in Palm Beach County.
“We mostly let them vent during the first session,” Gordon said. “By the third session, we’ll be doing some meditation exercises to aid some of their symptoms. We may use visualization and some techniques designed for bipolar disease and other mental disorders. That might help them adjust to reality.”
According to AHA officials, symptoms of PEST are similar to post-traumatic stress disorder. They include nightmares, sleeplessness, hostility, listlessness, and emotional outbursts including threats to leave the country.
“There’s an overall sense of emotional helplessness and abandonment,” said Sheila Cooperman, a licensed AHA psychotherapist from Delray Beach. In psychology, we call it ‘learned helplessness.’ After you zap a caged dog twice, he stops moving because he knows there is no place to go. That’s what
happened with these Kerry voters. They’ve been zapped so many times that they’re on the verge of giving up on politics.”Cooperman, also a practicing psychic, added, “One person today said he thinks the country is now run by fascists. Another felt personally threatened by the president’s love for big business. Many believe Bush is going to draft their grandchildren. The anxiety may not affect them every day, but it affects their energy level.”
Emphasis mine. I can't quite tell if the reporter here is being sympathetic, or slyly poking fun at them. Either way, this is just a sample. Read the whole delicious thing--The Onion would have a tough time doing any better.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:23 PMCheck it out.
Just in case the link doesn't work, the headline is "Hand Pulls Groin." It's about a football player with the last name "Hand."
Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:15 AM...if Glenn is a distant member of this tribe?
Oh, by the way, what ever happened to Batboy? He hasn't been heard from in almost two years.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:08 AMGerard Van Derleun has the scoop on the Canadian government's response to a potential influx of anti-Bush loons.
It's prutty funny, eh?
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:45 AMIn the last week of the campaign, they're coming fast and furious. Iowahawk has the latest roundup:
DRUNK BUSH DRAGGED JAMES BYRD BEHIND AWOL JETPosted by Rand Simberg at 06:14 AMThen-airman George W. Bush was reprimanded by superiors for a drunken 1972 AWOL incident in which he dragged a helpless James Byrd behind his F-101, according to a new Texas Air National Guard document found in an Abeline, Texas Kinkos restroom.
The newly unsealed document, which several experts have now verified as typewritten, resurrected nagging questions about Bush's disputed controversial "military service," his drug and alcohol abuse, and his role in the slaying of Byrd.
The document shows that Bush earned a stern reprimand from a commanding officer, 6-Star General Smith, who remarks that "Dude, that is so not cool."
Smith goes on to recommend that Bush "freeze the dude's body, so like later on you can be governor and blame it on some rednecks, and then have those guys executed."
Now we know how they do it. I knew they weren't smart enough to come up with these on their own.
My first attempt:
George W. Bush invaded Iraq so that oil companies and the Christian Coalition could kill Al Franken.
Try it, it's fun for the whole family! Well, at least if you're a member of the Kennedy or Moore family.
I'm not sure that it's possible to generate one that at least a few moonbats over at DU wouldn't buy.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 08:18 AMLast night, "Hindrocket" over at Powerline gave a heads up on a story potentially damaging to John Kerry's credibility on foreign policy, scheduled for a Monday morning release.
Jeff Goldstein has the first link to the scoop. (Note: like much of Jeff's stuff, while hilarious, it's not necessarily family friendly).
Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:35 PMHas a response to the Guardian, thanking them for their election advice:
Anyhoo, thanks alot for the election advice and stuff. Boy, you made some really good points (even tho I didn't understand all the confusing England-style words) but Reverend Falwell said on the Fox TV that G-d will punish us with commies and terrorist and negros and AIDS, etc., if we don't elect President Bush.
He also has a scoop on the latest injustice in New York.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:22 AM...about Mount St. Helens. At Free Republic.
The comments are hilarious.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 04:57 AMThis is pretty danged funny. Also, the Aussie Oppressor has a new poll up on the First Lady wannabe.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 05:28 AMFrom Ratherbiased.com:
In other news, TV Barn reports that "60 Minutes" Sunday is going to kick off its new season with a premier episode about "a cruel scam that preys on the elderly." No word on whether Bill Burkett is involved.Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:34 AM
And there are no US troops in Iraq, anywhere!
"Registered" over at Free Republic has the scoop on Gunga Dan's replacement.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:03 PMThe missing Munch painting has turned up in a surprising place.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:27 AMLileks has some appropriately cruel and hilarious commentary on the latest fashions.
For young men, true high style: $30 John Deere shirts or T-shirts with typefaces from the "Mork & Mindy" era, worn with a brown knit cap I'd wear only if I were missing part of my skull and wanted to keep my brain warm en route to the hospital. The shirts remind you of that glorious era of grunge. Plaid. Ratty plaid. You remember grunge! That's when Dame Fashion required healthy, happy people to look like they had inherited the contents of a Salvation Army dumpster filled with the clothes of heroin-addicted lumberjacks.
Enjoy the whole thing.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:15 PMJohn Kerry comes out.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:55 PMVia ESA (the Elbonian Space Agency).
[Thanks to Andrew Gray for the tip.]
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:54 AMA man was arrested in Italy for throwing hamsters off a balcony.
I blame George Bush.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 04:34 PMAn eco-cruise ship ran aground in Alaska, spilling 5000 gallons of fuel in the water.
This is almost as good as the environmentalist who was brutally killed by a rampaging tree a few days ago.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:30 AMIt's probably a little late for this year, but Iowahawk has a general-purpose commencement address for anyone who's gotten suckered into having to give one. It's (as usual) a hoot.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 03:24 PMAs a certified Hater Of Little Dogs™, I found this amusing. Recent DNA analysis has determined that not all dogs are dogs.
Among other findings, the analysis determined that the Chihuahua is actually a type of large rodent, selectively bred for centuries to resemble a canine.
This may buttress theories that Michael Jackson isn't actually human.
On the other hand, considering the source, and this little bit, perhaps we shouldn't take this research totally seriously:
The study found that several diminutive breeds had been independently created around the world from a variety of other animals, including the Lhasa apso (Tibetan snow rabbit), Pekingese (Chinese water rat), Shih Tzu (stoat), and Yorkshire Terrier (pigeon).
[Update on Thursday]
Here's the real story, from this week's Economist.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:16 AMDumbass siphons gas from camper, gets sewage instead. Hat tip: Dave Barry.
Posted by Andrew Case at 10:19 AMDue to an overzealous aide to Colin Powell, Tim Russert spent a couple minutes interviewing a palm tree this morning.
If he's been Barbara Walters, he might have asked, "What kind of a tree would you like to be?"
Posted by Rand Simberg at 11:25 AMIowahawk has the scoop on the salutory effect that the president's "apology" has had on the world. Well, at least on some bizarro world.
The apology also prompted an outbreak of gratitude in the Arab street, as hundreds of thousands of Muslims took to the streets Friday in an impromptu demonstration of thanks. In Gaza, a cheering crowd estimated at 30,000 waved American flags and banners reading "No Prablem Bosh" [sic], while in Damascus throngs gathered in the Square of the Martyrs chanting "U-S-A, U-S-A"."I used to dream about dying in a glorious fireball of martyrdom," said Ali Ahmed Amoud, 23, a marcher in the first annual Infidel Appreciation Days parade in Nablus. "But that apology was so nice and sincere, it just seems kind of petty to keep nursing a grudge."
Avoid liquids while reading, as usual.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:22 AMIowahawk has the latest American atrocities against Iraqi prisoners.
In the newly released photos, masked Iraqi prisoners are shown forming human pyramids, stuffing Volkswagens, eating live goldfish and pounding 'beer bongs,' all under the supervision of laughing US guards.
You won't read it anywhere else. I wish I knew how he gets these scoops.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 06:07 PMPhil Bowermaster says that, in the future, I'll be the one who has the hip look.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:38 AMBut these guys really like the moon.
[via Jonah. I've no idea where he finds these things.]
Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:39 AMJeff Goldstein, a blogging English professor (now, with 97.3 percent less postmodernism! Like Michael Moore, except smart and funny. And less than a county in size...), is looking for testimonials for his recently resurrected web site.
But I couldn't think of one.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 10:20 AMMark Steyn reminisces about the one-year anniversary of Trent Lott's well-deserved self immolation.
And in commemoration, I'll replay this golden oldy.
By the way, if you Google "hexidecaroon," you get very limited, but appropriate results.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:17 PMI've been digging around, and found some quotes to back him up. I can't find any actual cites for them, though...
"GIVE me a progressive, achievement-punishing income tax, or give me death!"
-- Patrick Henry
"HAPPINESS, moral duty, and a progressive income tax are inseparably connected."
-- George Washington
"I only regret that I have but a small percentage of my income to give for my country."
-- Nathan Hale
"WHEN in the course of Human Events, it becomes necessary to fund a Welfare State, he that has the most to give, should provide the greatest proportion of his Income."
"THE Tree of Liberty is a fragile one. Its Roots must occasionally be watered by soaking the Rich."
-- Thomas Jefferson
"THESE are the times that try men's souls. The wealthy summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country, by refusing to pay their fair, high share of taxes."
-- Tom Paine
"THE advancement and profusion of an extremely progressive income tax is the only guardian of true liberty. "
-- James Madison
And of course, they all inspired that other great philosopher in the next century, who said "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need."
Posted by Rand Simberg at 02:22 PM
Yeah, I figure I need at least hip waders when any of these guys are around...
[Thanks to emailer Bob Crosley]
Posted by Rand Simberg at 01:13 PMThis just in from Iowahawk (aka David Burge)--a Transterrestrial exclusive (so far). This is so tasteless, it's delicious.
Secluded Lake, CA - Saying that "the very survival of prom is at stake," Secluded Lake High School junior class president Chad Blackthorne vowed a clampdown on local Zombie militant factions that have claimed nearly one third of the student body in recent suicide forays on area lakeside cabins.
The international press and diplomatic community were quick to condemn Blackthorne?s new hardline anti-Zombie position, warning that armed reprisals risked long-term peace prospects in the heavily-wooded region.
?Blackthorne?s continued bellicosity will only conclude in more deaths, re-deaths and re-re-deaths,? said an editorial in London?s Guardian Thursday. ?If the weekend dismemberment of twelve scantily-clad SLHS cheerleaders proves anything, it is the need for a permanent Zombie homeland.?
Warning that a retaliatory strike "will only heighten regional tensions," an emergency international diplomatic task force urged local attractive teenagers to adhere to their landmark 1999 peace agreement with area flesh-eating armies of the undead.
"We ask that all parties return to the negotiating table," said United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan. "Only through meaningful dialog will we find a political settlement that balances the teenagers' interest in security with the Zombies' interest in self-determination, and delicious fresh teenager brains."
Despite the growing chorus of criticism and calls for restraint, it appears that hardliners in the student assembly were in firm control. Late this afternoon a heavily-armed phalanx of SLHS pep squad members surrounded the mausoleum headquarters of Zombie Authority chairman Nghh-Ghungh Hngghh.
DECOMPOSING A BITTER HISTORY
The latest outbreak of bloodshed and limbshed marked a new low point in the deteriorating relations between local attractive teenagers and the impoverished Zombie community who live in the muddy west bank of Secluded Lake.
According to Everett Kelly of the University of California?s Institute of Zombie Studies, the factional tensions in this sleepy California hamlet go back nearly fifty years.
?In 1956, the teenage population in Secluded Lake was decimated when the fall sock hop was invaded by giant atomic mutant ants,? said Kelly. ?And the survivors had to contend with kelp-covered lagoon creatures and intergalactic aliens in wobbly tin spacecraft.?
Just as many had written off the chances, however, Secluded Lake High developed a powerful defense force of hot-rod hepcats in souped-up roadsters who scored a decisive victory over monster forces in the famed Dragstrip Riot of 1958.
After sporadic battles in the early 1960s against werewolves and unfrozen cavemen surfers, the threat had largely subsided. By 1974, however, local teens were facing a new and even more determined foe.
DAWN OF THE DEAD
?It was the groovy Seventies, and Secluded Lake High students were looking for far-out new places to get down and pah-tay,? explained Kelly. ?Many of them began driving their jacked-up Dusters and boogie vans to the deserted cabins on the west bank of Secluded Lake.?
?The new settlements alarmed the local Zombie community, who resented the invasion of their homeland,? he added. ?They were further enraged by the teens? gigantic shirt collars and nonstop Foghat 8-tracks.?
For many of the dispossessed undead, the incursion was the final straw in a long list of grievances against SLHS. For one, a charismatic young corpse named Nghh-Ghungh Hngghh, it called for direct--and bloody--response.
He recruited dozens of Zombie militants to his fledgling organization, Nnnghhrrr Ghmmng Mnmrrrghn (NGM), and planned radical action against the teens. In September 1975, they made their first strike?-bursting through the fogged-up windows of a Ford Econoline containing two writhing SLHS students.
?The van was a-rockin?, but the Zombies came a-knockin,?? noted Kelly.
While teenage forces eventually exterminated the militants, the episode was a major public relations coup for the Zombie cause and exposed serious weaknesses in the teenager?s defense strategy.
?Despite their previous success against marauding atomic mutants and beast-men, the teenagers were totally unprepared for this new style of warfare,? said Warren Rathke of Georgetown University. ?They relied on outmoded anti-Zombie tactical methods, like splitting into small search parties and skinny dipping at 2 AM.?
?But you must give some credit to NGM,? added Rathke. ?They were relentless, dedicated and deceptively quick. Despite their lumbering, awkward gait they proved almost impossible for the teenagers to outrun.?
TEEN ANGST
Throughout the 1980s and 1990s, Hngghh found a surplus of young Zombie activists willing to hurl themselves through van windows or smash up through cabin floorboards, a determined army willing to sacrifice themselves for a Zombie homeland and a taste of Teenager Tartare.
While local teenagers continued to execute retaliatory strikes against the Zombies, the reprisals evoked a global outcry against teenager brutality. European governments were particularly critical, especially those with large and growing Zombie immigrant communities.
Even within the halls of Secluded Lake High, the mounting casualties eventually took their toll on student body military resolve. A significant peace movement formed, and student voters elected to replace the hardline student council and Homecoming Princess in 1999.
In a radical departure from previous administrations, new student council president Amber Nielsen worked out a broad peace agreement with Hngghh which granted the Zombies autonomy over the KOA campsite region near Secluded Lake.
The dramatic deal earned Nielsen and Hngghh lavish praise from the international diplomatic community, and they were jointly awarded the 2000 Secluded Lake Rotary Club Peace Prize. Nielsen received hers posthumously after being eaten by a group of Zombie activists.
The deal was not enough to quell the simmering rage of Zombies in the camps, however, and Hngghh was unable to prevent additional attacks last year from radical new pro-Zombie splinter groups like Mnmwwnhhg, Hgngnghh and the Reform Party.
The situation has spun violently out of control this year. High-School hardliners have returned to power, vowing to crush Zombie radical cells and get more parking permits for seniors. A rising tide of Zombie fundamentalism has forced Hnngghh to readopt a hardline position as well.
With their defense forces surrounding Hngghh?s crypt compound, it appears that the teenagers have, for the time being, gained control of the volatile situation. However, they have received little support from the international community and face growing pressure to relent in their crackdown on Zombie dissent and brain-eating.
European governments and media have amplified their calls for a permanent Zombie homeland, and dozens of European peace activists volunteered today to act as human shields to protect Hngghh from harm. They were later eaten.
US opinion for the most part has been mixed. Editorials in the Wall Street Journal and MTV?s Total Request Live were predictably pro-teenager. Eric Alterman of The Nation faulted TRL for its "relentless anti-Zombie bias" which he attributed to ?tainted advertising money from Clearasil and Cliff Notes.?
Other news outlets were more even in their coverage of the latest events. The New York Times criticized the Zombies for ?their ill-advised eating of teenagers,? but also criticize the teenagers for ?their equally ill-advised efforts to stop the Zombies from eating teenagers.?
A GLIMMER OF HOPE
With the teenagers holding the upper hand militarily and the Zombies holding the advantage politically, an immediate solution to the crisis seems unlikely. In this high-stakes game of territorial poker, neither side is willing to fold by returning to the bargaining table.
Some see a glimmer of hope in the new Disfigured-Slasher Peace Plan that was proposed at last month?s Deranged-Menace Summit, and endorsed by a broad coalition of masked chainsaw maniacs, demonically-possessed ventriloquist dummies, and ephemeral creatures from the nightmare realm.
?While we stand united behind our Zombie brothers, we are wish to create an environment of peace for everyone in the Secluded Lake area,? said Jason Krueger, chief architect of the peace proposal. ?It doesn?t matter whether you go to high school, if you are partially decomposed, or if you wear a hockey mask-?can?t we all get along??
?We are offering the teenagers a sweet deal,? explained Krueger. ?In exchange for withdrawing from Secluded Lake campgrounds, we in the Deranged-Menace coalition are prepared to acknowledge the teenagers? right to exist.?
?Plus,? he added, ?if they ever need help babysitting, we?ll be right there.?
© 2002 David Burge
Then read Megan McArdle's advice. It will be helpful. And hilarious.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 09:47 PMYou'll never find things like this reported anywhere except at The Onion.
"The evidence introduced in this trial has convinced me that the deity known as God has willfully and actively thwarted competition from other deities and demigods, promoting His worship with such unfair scare tactics as threatening non-believers with eternal damnation," wrote District Judge Charles Elliot Schofield in his decision. "In the process, He has carved out for Himself an illegal monotheopoly."
Also, there's a great discussion over at Free Republic on this topic, e.g.:
Q: So re-incarnation is like those long return lines at Fry's Electronics?
Actually, reincarnation is nothing more than instantiating a new instance of a Soul Object. It's transparent. Most afterlives automatically handle Soul collection and recreation if that feature is enabled. You shouldn't have to programmatically call a delete(Soul mySoul) through incantation or sorcery in afterlives employing modern architectures.
and
I believe one of the main criticisms was God's strategy of "bundling" Salvation with the Dogma package. This definitely stifles competition. For instance, suppose I want an open-source Salvation solution -- I can't get that if I also want Dogma because most all vendors (Catholic and Protestant) have very strict licensing agreements that require them to only ship the standard Salvation product.
This makes it very difficult on third-party Paradise vendors. I applaud the ruling.
I am wounded to the core of my fragile being that Professor Reynolds would accuse me of sending him "off-color" jokes via email about the recent ceramic-penis-napping caper in Colorado. He must have somehow simply mistaken my genuine curiousity for something much more crude and nefarious.
I simply asked him if, in their fervent desire to find the culprit, he thought that the Boulder librarians might hire a private dick. You know, one possessing the most straight and upright character...
You, the gentle reader, may now judge for yourself.
Posted by Rand Simberg at 07:15 AM[Update] At the risk of destroying the pristine value of a potential Iowahawk classic, I've come up with a new verse, and invite readers to contribute more...
Convoy!
[Ah, breaker one-nine, this here's the Fatwa Duck. You got a copy on me, Goatpen? C'mon. Ah, yeah, ten-four, Goatpen, for sure, for sure. By golly, it's clean clear to Kabultown. C'mon. Yeah, that's a big ten-four there, Goatpen. Yeah, we definitely got the tent door, good buddy. Allah Akbar alive, looks like we got us a convoy.]
It was the dark of the moon on an old sand dune
And a camel pullin' logs
Cab-over Pete with some poppies on
And a Jimmy haulin' wogs
We's headin' for death on the Old Silk Road
'Bout a mile outta Shakeytown
I says 'Goatpen, this here's Fatwa Duck'
'And I'm about to put the jihad down'
{chorus}
'Cause we got a big old convoy rockin' thru the night
Yeah, we got a big old convoy, martyrs packed in tight
Come on and join our convoy, six dozen virgins await
Gonna roll this truckin' convoy, to Allah's pearly gate
Convoy!
We got Saudis, Egyptions, Lebanese and Yemenese, and
Folks down from Gaza Strip.
We've even got an idiot from Oregon
All eager for the trip
If our stingers don't work, and the gunships home in
And they blow us all to Kingdom Come
We'll send up a prayer to keep the virgins in stock
With an extra ration of rum
{chorus}
'Cause we got a big old convoy rockin' thru the night
Yeah, we got a big old convoy, martyrs packed in tight
Come on and join our convoy, six dozen virgins await
Gonna roll this truckin' convoy, to Allah's pearly gate
Convoy!
[Ah, breaker, Pigpen, this here's Fatwa Duck 'n' you wanna back off them hogs? Ah, ten-four. About 5 mile or so. Ten roger. Them infidels is gettin' INtense up here. Aaaagghhhh!!!]
Sing it with your friends tonight... Posted by Rand Simberg at 12:35 PM