Was it consensual? Here's a story about a man who enjoyed conjugal relations with a picnic table.
Hope he used a c0nd0m. Those splinters can be rough.
[Update a minutes or so later]
Upon more careful reading, I guess he'll be OK. It's metal.
But still, you don't know who else that picnic table has been with.
He must have....Maybe he's a...It could be that....nohin', I got nothin'.
I hope he retained at least enough of his wits not to cross any state lines with that table.
Those table slave laws are tough.