Happy Easter. Happy Passover. But, if you’re like the president of Iran and believe in the coming of the “Twelfth Imam,” your happy holiday may be just around the corner, too. President Ahmadinejad, who is said to consider himself the designated deputy of the “hidden Imam,” held a press conference this week — against a backdrop of doves fluttering round an atom and accompanied by dancers in orange decontamination suits doing choreographed uranium-brandishing. It looked like that Bollywood finale of ”The 40-Year-Old Virgin,” where they all pranced around to “This Is The Dawning Of The Age Of Aquarius.” As it happens, although he dresses like Steve Carell’s 40-year-old virgin, the Iranian president is, in fact, a 40-year-old nuclear virgin, and he was holding a press conference to announce he was ready to blow. “Iran,” he said, “has joined the group of countries which have nuclear technology” — i.e., this is the dawning of the age of a scary us. “Our enemies cannot do a damned thing,” he crowed, as an appreciative audience chanted “Death to America!”
The reaction of the international community was swift and ferocious. The White House said that Iran “was moving in the wrong direction.” This may have been a reference to the dancers. A simple Radio City kickline would have been better. The British Foreign Office said it was “not helpful.” This may have been a reference to the doves round the atom.
You know what’s great fun to do if you’re on, say, a flight from Chicago to New York and you’re getting a little bored? Why not play being President Ahmadinejad? Stand up and yell in a loud voice, “I’ve got a bomb!” Next thing you know the air marshal will be telling people, “It’s OK, folks. Nothing to worry about. He hasn’t got a bomb.” And then the second marshal would say, “And even if he did have a bomb it’s highly unlikely he’d ever use it.” And then you threaten to kill the two Jews in row 12 and the stewardess says, “Relax, everyone. That’s just a harmless rhetorical flourish.” And then a group of passengers in rows 4 to 7 point out, “Yes, but it’s entirely reasonable of him to have a bomb given the threatening behavior of the marshals and the cabin crew.”