38 thoughts on “John Carter’s Long Road”

  1. “Plan 9 from Outer Space” allready is the worst movie ever released. Try it some time. It’s a real waste of your time but very funny!

  3. Try watching Quintet (starring Paul Newman) if you want to give up a couple hours of your life. I saw it at one the base theaters when I was stationed in Germany (’78-80). When I walked into the theater, there were only about a dozen of us in there. That should’ve been a clue. By the time the movie ended, at least half of the audience had walked out. I stayed until the bitter end thinking “It has to get better than this.” I was wrong. I watched Army training films that were more entertaining than “Quintet.”

    1. Another trend of the Seventies that we don’t need to bring back: “science fiction” movies that are nothing but self-consciously “ironic” arty pieces where all the characters are heavy-handed metaphors for some bullshit metaphysical problem that no one who isn’t stoned cares about.

      1. As compared to the modern trend of movies that are nothing but self-consciously “ironic” arty pieces where all the characters are heavy-handed metaphors for some bullshit liberal problem that no one who isn’t a Leftist cares about.

    2. No, your best clue a movie is terrible is the ticket seller asking you why you’d want to see that. I’ve had that happen exactly once, with Freddie Got Fingered, and he was right. Cowboys vs Aliens wasn’t nearly that bad.

  4. Of course, it’s worth seeing in a theater. In IMAX. It’s from Pixar. (Even though they’re now branding it as Disney because it’s live action.)

  5. First I’ve heard of it. I must not get out much.

    Hopefully it will be as awesome as the trailer indicates. Been waiting a long time for a decent sci-fi/fantasy flick.

    1. Supposedly based on “A Princess Of Mars“. Originally was going to be directed by Richard Rodriguez. Then Jon Favreau was on it for awhile. Long strange trip. A great story and I’m looking forward to seeing it, but not at a theater. They invented this thing called Blu-Ray, and take my word for it, it works very well.

      1. I’m with you on the Blu-Ray but I do miss seeing a good movie at the theatre. Last one I saw was Cowboys & Aliens, and it was pretty bad.

          1. a series of animated theatrical shorts

            Robert Rodriguez was the first director assigned to a A Princess of Mars non-cartoon production. Around 2006-2007. He had to withdraw because of issues with the Directors Guild related to his work on Sin City. There may have been Roger Rabbit style proposals earlier, but I’m not aware of any.

          2. Not to worry, Curt. The live-action hacks are gone now and the real directors are taking over. :-p

  6. I remember that Bette Midler movie, ‘Beaches’ made me physically ill after about ten minutes.

    The Adam Sandler movie that came out last year, ‘Jack and Jill’ is supposed to be absolutely wretched. It has a 3% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

  7. ToplessRobot does not seem to be too enthused about this movie. I don’t really like the politics over there but their geek cred is impressive.

    1. I see your Club Paradise and The Villain and raise you The Lonely Lady, starring that great actress, Pia Zadora. A friend and I were looking for a “bad” movie to while away the time one Saturday night in Miami. We thought we would have fun mocking it. Instead I’m pretty sure both of us were traumatized for life. Pia Zadora has sex with Lloyd Bochner; that’s all you need to know. And he’s one of the good characters.

      1. IIRC “Lonely Lady” has the distinction of winning the first Golden Globe for Best Actress. Pia won cause she was the only nominee who agreed to show up. She has some celeb status at the time.

  10. Now, I actually enjoyed The Villain, but I took it for what it was–a live-action Road-Runner cartoon. Once you realize that, the movie is hysterical. The actors are having a blast sending up their characters.

    On the other hand, just watched the John Carter trailer. Hmmm. NOT “A Princess of Mars” by a long shot. Got a bad feeling about this one.

  11. Worst movie of all time? “Troll 2”, hands down. I thank the heavens every day MGM paid me $18/hr to watch that stinking pile. Ed Wood couldn’t make a movie this bad in his dreams.

    I will broke no argument on this. “Troll 2” Worst. Movie. Ever.

    1. “You don’t pee on hospitality!”

      What makes Troll 2 so great is how seriously everyone involved seems to take it. Every element of film-craft is awful: Bad premise, bad writing, bad acting, bad directing, bad camera work, even the title is wrong (there are no trolls in Troll 2, and no connection to the original Troll), and yet the film gives no hint that anyone involved realized how bad everything was.

  12. The worst movie ever is a 1997 Hong Kong movie titled “Spider Woman”, it is a Basic Instinct rip off starring a Chinese model who in addition to not speaking the dialect of Chinese (Cantonese) that the film was shot in also gave off impressive signs of being more than moderately autistic.  It also starred Hawaiian American actot Russell Wong’s far less talented brother Michael Wong as a Chinese Hong Kong policeman who couldn’t speak Chinese, but apparently spoke pidgin, this was to cover up the fact that Wong’s Chinese was as rudimentary as his talent as an action star.  It is truly beyond belief.

    In English I would second the nomination of Quintet, except I have seen worse movies, and more recently.  May I nominate “BioDome” starting Paulie Shore and Sandra Bullock’s “All About Steve”, a movie that uses all of Ms. Bullock’s considerable talents and charms to make the endless series of humiliating antics her character hoes through into the most unpleasant 90 minutes of one’s life.

  13. “A Princess of Mars” has so many civil-war racist dog-whistles in it there must be brains flying. But nobody is getting out in front of it? Baffling.

    At the close of the Civil War I found myself possessed of several hundred thousand dollars (Confederate) and a captain’s commission in the cavalry arm of an army which no longer exsisted, the servant of a state which had vanished with the hopes of the South.

    Disgusting. Where is the outrage?

  14. Cowboys and Aliens just needs a few tweaks to the musical score.

    Whenever Harrison Ford makes an appearance, the soundtrack needs to be from Star Wars or Raiders of the Lost Ark.

    When the main character confronts his band of outlaws, they should’ve played the famous soundtrack from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. When he was on his horse chasing an alien space fighter, it definitely needs to be accompanied by the Indiana Jones theme from Raiders, but when he jumps onto the fighter, it needs to switch to the one from Luke SKywalkers run at the first Death Star.

  15. I actually enjoyed Cowboys & Aliens. I thought it was an interesting idea, and reasonably well executed. Olivia Wilde’s character was a bit of a copout, but hey…it’s Olivia Wilde after all (although IMHO not near as delectable as she was in the otherwise totally excreble Tron movie).

  16. Battlefield Earth! Hands down the worst movie I ever saw. The Klingons didn’t even speak Klingonese.

  17. The worst movie I ever watched was Little Miss Sunshine. This coming from someone who watched Tommy and David Lynch’s Dune. Without the benefit of Green Beret torture training, I managed to force myself to sit through the whole thing. MOST UNLIKEABLE AND CONSTANTLY GRATING CAST EVER. Nihilistic angry teenage kid that makes Donnie Darko look cheery. Crude, self-destructive, angry geezer. Pathetic dad with the “everybody’s Plan A will work” motivational plan he tries so desperately to sell. Beleaguered mom who’s stuck with these losers – I think she’s supposed to be a proxy for the audience. I kept hoping that the van would stop at a convenience store and that the Cloverfield monster would eat the van while Olive goes in for sodas. I would rather watch Ewoks of Dune than watch that film again.

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