All right, many months into his presidency, I have come to realize that I was completely wrong about the president.
He is not an empty suit, as I once claimed. Through his brilliant leadership, and unsurpassed powers of persuasion, he has shepherded legislation through the Congress that will make all of our lives and health better, and for which we will all be grateful as a nation for decades to come.
I was once skeptical, but I was a fool. This legacy, just the first of many — beginning the healing of the planet through long-overdue constraints on carbon emissions; finally allowing the working man to be a union man as God and Jimmy Hoffa intended; creating a lasting peace in the Middle East with a Palestinian state from the river Jordan to the Mediterranean, and a Pax Iraniana under the sober nuclear leadership of the mullahs in Teheran, a stable nuclear stalemate in the Korean peninsula, the returning of Taiwan to its rightful owners in mainland China –will go down in history as only the minor accomplishments of the greatest American president ever.
How foolish was I to think that he would lose the Congress in the coming election, when so many stood bravely by his bold initiatives? What insanity possessed me to imagine that the America people would punish, rather than reward him and his party for their paternal and sacrificial deeds for all of us? How could I have criticized them for only doing what was right, and just, and fair, in the face of such disgusting criticism and hatred from the evil right wingers? How could I have been so wrong? Is there any hope for me?
From this day forward, I pledge my troth to the Democrats, the saviors of our nation, the party of selflessness and compassion. No longer will I selfishly demand that I keep any of the fruit of my own labor, because I now understand that it was never mine, but only that of the people. Henceforth, I will work not for myself, or my family, but only for the greater good.
I can only ask, how did it take so long for me to see the light? What foolish ideology blinded me to righteousness, and my duty to my fellow citizens and humans on the planet? How did I live for so many years without feeling the pain of my obvious disgusting selfishness? How can I ever be forgiven?
Even if I finally, after decades, do the right thing, and pull the Donkey lever this fall, is there any hope for my redemption?
But lest I be viewed as someone completely uncritical of The One, let me provide one bit of criticism.
His space policy is a disaster. We no longer have a goal.
Under the Evil Bush, we had a plan. A plan to send a few astronauts a couple times a year, at a cost of several billion dollars per trip, to the moon. It was a noble plan, an ambitious plan, and one that would have had the nation enthralled to watch, as a few noble ciivil servants cavorted on the lunar surface, displayed on our low-energy-consumption foot-powered televisions.
But with the cancellation of Constellation, the dreams of watching government employees kicking up selenian dust, for tens of millions per kick, have been shattered. The nation will no longer have the opportunity to be inspired. Instead, we will have to content ourselves with hundreds, perhaps thousands of people in low earth orbit, doing what they want to do instead of following NASA’s flight plans. They might even go beyond earth orbit without official permission, upsetting the natural order of the heavens. I am dismayed to the highest degree by such a laissez faire approach to opening up the universe to humanity, and can’t imagine how such a visionary president could allow such a thing.
But I cavil about trivia. Such a minor policy error shouldn’t prevent him from his rightful place. A Nobel Peace Prize in anticipation of his achievements, while well deserved, is an insignificant award. No, he must be honored in a manner more befitting his accomplishments, present and future. He is not worthy of Mount Rushmore, or rather, his reputation would be sullied by an appearance next to such pedestrian predecessors as Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln, though the progressive Teddy Roosevelt might be a fitting accompaniment, even if shadowed by the great Obama. No, we need to add to the mountain, and build a new level for The One, above those previous poseurs. And we should rename the mountain, from Rushmore, to a more appropriate Rushless, to honor him for his vanquishing of that talk-show blowhard, who has so unpatriotically hoped for his failure. For the greatest man in American, no — in world history. we can do no less.
[Thursday morning update]
Sigh…none so blind as those who will not see. Half of the country doesn’t think our national savior should be reelected.
• Obama’s standing on four key personal qualities, including being a strong and decisive leader and understanding the problems Americans face in their lives, has dipped. For the first time since the 2008 campaign, he fails to win a majority of people saying he shares their values and can manage the government effectively.
• Twenty-six percent say he deserves “a great deal” of the blame for the nation’s economic problems, nearly double the number who felt that way last summer. In all, half say he deserves at least a moderate amount of blame.
The blame directed at his predecessor, former president George W. Bush, hasn’t eased, however: 42% now give Bush “a great deal” of blame, basically unchanged from 43% last July.
• By 50%-46%, those surveyed say Obama doesn’t deserve re-election.
Ingrates.
Please don’t scare us like that, Rand.
I pledge my troth to the Democrats
Me too. I’ve been ignoring the wisdom of Barbara Streisand for far too long.
Are you being sarcastic?
Hmmmm…I wonder what date on my calendar might lend itself to spoof, silliness and outright parody.
April Fools day comes to mind.
I thought for a minute I’d hit Puffington Host, instead of TtM.
Thanks for reminding me what today is.
The scales have fallen from my eyes enlightened herald of the one.
How could I have been so misgiuded. Horatio Bunce
Rand, your capitalization is all wrong. You should have written
…into His presidency
…through His brilliant leadership
…by His bold initiatives
…He must be honored
2/10
Too obvious.
Even if I finally, after decades, do the right thing, and pull the Donkey lever this fall, is there any hope for my redemption?
Yes, but this is only the first step. You must practice your groveling technique (it needs work). You must begin SHOWING your newfound wisdom by contributing to the party. And most important, you still have a genuine sense of humor. This must be excised entirely. You’ll find it doesn’t fit in at all with your new comrades.
Perhaps a more fitting honor would be to make him President for Life, as is the case for most of the world’s most progressive countries(Zimbabwe, Cuba, etc.).
After all, elections are such messy things, and take away time that he could spend in harmony with Gaia,…whatever.
I, too, must join with the One and shall henceforth be known as Pro Rege.
ThinkGeek has some pretty funny “products” on its homepage today. My favorite is the Monolith Action Figure–“It’s full of stars!”
I wondered what you might have in store for today.
Too obvious.
Yeah, it was late, and I was tired. I probably laid it on too thick.
I think my own conversion process has already begun. I’ve started to have dreams of Michelle Obama dressed as Ilse She-Wolf of the IRS roto-rootering me with a giant Mailed Fist. And I liked it!
I’d day if I’m having the same wet dreams that Chris Gerrib and Jim are having, my sub-conscious has already surrendered to The One.
Democracy clearly doesn’t work. While I’ve highlighted Obama’s many failures on this blog, I realized today that the problem is all of the deniers and obstructionists, empowered by the bourgeois, lily-white “values” enshrined in the Constitution.
I reject the concept of limited government. Those “limits” only serve to give corporate legal fictions a disproportionate voice in the rule of this potentially great country. Instead of a constitution and so-called checks-and-balances, we need an enlightened ruler. A new monarch for a new age of enlightened peace and harmony with the peoples of the world and with nature.
And a happy April Fool’s Day to you, too, Rand! Very nicely done.
Rand,
The thing about your parody of the Cult of Obama is that nothing you said in your post is even close to being an exaggeration. If not many were fooled by it, that’s because few of us think you are capable of such sudden insanity. At least not without pharmaceutical assistance.
Indeed. At first, I thought I’d stumbled into the NYT online by mistake.
All I could come up with to do on my site was mess with images and CSS and stuff.
I agree with McGehee. All I did was sing “never gonna give you up” at karaoke just after midnight. Kudos.
Of course, we’re still reaping the hilarity of the April Fool’s joke the electorate played on itself in November 2008.
We must all praise Obamugabe. For with all of His spending by printing dollars out of thin air, my health shall be improved. I will get great exercise by hauling a huge load of trillion dollar notes in a wheel barrow instead of a little wallet. To buy a tiny loaf of bread. This will of course put me on a wondrous celebrity diet like all those people in the paradise of Zimbabwe.
Praise Him!
Praise Obamessiah!
This is either April 1st, or an ‘evil twin.’
Let me find a coin…
Yawn. You did pretty much the same gag last year with space policy.
There is a little X button in the upper right corner that can ease you of this yawn inducing tedium if that is the case Daveon.
“If not many were fooled by it, that’s because few of us think you are capable of such sudden insanity. At least not without
Hell, Rand couldn’t get that insane even with pharmaceutical assistance.
Funny, “empty suit” was the exact same phrase that escaped my lips when I first started pondering candidate Obama.
I’m glad you have seen the light, Comrade. I, too, have realized that the Dear Leader’s recent legislative triumph over the capitalist roaders is nothing about which to joke. I apologize for my former flippant and counter-revolutionary attitude towards the Great Helmsman of the People and his invincible struggle to impose the true Juche spirit upon the bourgeois and reactionary elements that pollute our daily lives. I hereby renounce my revanchist and cosmopolitan attachment to selfish personalism and vow to continue the struggle towards the authentic dictatorship of the proletariat under the infallible leadership of the Party and the Dear Leader.
Why would it do that? It is an insecure little troll that has accomplished so little with its life that it must deprecate the works of others to keep it from feeling so inferior.