7 thoughts on “So Why Can’t Hollywood Do Zombies Right?”
And here i was hoping that he was going to compare Occupy Wall Street to a Broadway rendition of zombie horror….
This has always bugged me. I can think of dozens of different zombie meat grinders you could create using machinery that would be readily avaliable An industrial wood chipper with a ramp and some bait would draw them in by the hundreds. Build a few cattle shoots to funnel them in and the problem would resolve itself in a few days.
They could run them off a cliff like buffalo or in a city setting block off alleys and side streets, draw in as many zombies as possible and light them on fire. Burning zombies with fire seems to be underutilized in all the zombie media.
One of those MineWolf ‘flails’ the military uses to explode mines would work wonders on zombies. Most of the zombies look like they are getting ‘squishy’ anyway, so the flail would just turn them into mulch. Plus, the flails are well built, the doors are bomb (zombie) proof, and they run on diesel, so they’re green too. Everyone but PETA would be happy!
Anyway, JG is a genius. I even asked where all the military weapons got too last season, because the troops are obviously dead, eaten or zombified, where the hell are all their guns? And Jonah G. said what I say EVERY time I watch a movie where weapons are used.
“Yo, DUDE! Pick up ALL the weapons you can when the bad guys fall!! You’ve got a 12 shot, semi-auto Glock 9 in your mit. That ain’t gonna last but 10 more shots. 9, 8..7,6, …”.
If I was writing those flicks, by the end of the second firearms scene, my hero look like Adnan Khashoggi he’d be draggin’ so much fire power around!
And, on the zombie home front, I’d never be the guy pointing a pistol at the lead zombie, with a pistol going, “…kilcik, klick, KLICK!” I’d spend half my time looking for guns and ammo, and the other half hunting that MineWolf! I just Jonah Goldberg is my neighbor when it all goes pear shaped.
He always sounded like a reasonable man, his zombie fighting thoughts prove it.
Even without a mine wolf (one of my favs), it’s pretty trivial to make a flame thrower out of a gasoline-powered pressure washer or backpack weed sprayer. Zombies should burn quite well, and the flames might help sterilize the virus.
During the zombie outbreaks of the 19th century, cannons loaded with grape shot worked wonders.
One of my first strategies would be to clear and hold a good sized airport or an Air Force or Air National Guard base. Zombies can’t fly, mill around in herds, and are too dumb to take cover, making them perfect targets for aerial extermination. An airport would also be useful for maintaining recon flights of the local area, reconnecting with survivors near other airports, dropping pamphlets and radios to survivors scattered across the countryside, and establishing air links to small islands that can be easily cleared and used as safe havens, because zombies don’t swim and don’t sail, either.
Of course if you took a nuclear plant, you’d not only have power and really good fences, but you could power high-voltage, high-current electric fences that would crisp any zombie trying to cross.
George Turner,
great ideas. an airfield is usually clear for hundreds of yards in all directions, so you can see them coming a long way off. I’d get to use that .50 cal I’ve been dreaming of owning. But this was all I could think of after reading you’re electric fence idea.
Paraphrasing Lt. Col. Bill Kilgore,
“…I love the smell of burning zombies in the morning, it smells like victory!”
People forget that two types of zombie exist: Voodoo Zombies (V-Zombies) and Meat Puppets or Romero Zombies (R-Zombies). V-Zombies are reanimated by means of black magic and move by the power of the Forces of Darkness. They can be defeated by killing the voodoo master who created them, by throwing salt on them, or by physically destroying their bodies. R-Zombies are revenants — corpses made mobile and anthropophagic by material means (e.g., a virus). These creatures, while neurologically and metabolically dead, can be neutralized only by physical destruction of the brain, or by rendering them incapable of obtaining human tissue as food (e.g., by rendering them into pieces or making them incapable of movement).
Meaningful discussion of the V-Zombie is probably not possible. Such a creature is supernatural in nature and thus beyond the ken of science. I’m not sure how an R-Zombie is plausible. Such a being would seem to violate the laws of nature as we understand them, beginning with the thermodynamic laws. I also find it difficult to imagine how a non-living human corpse could be structurally capable of typical zombie behavior (e.g., shambling) once putrefaction has begun. Assuming such a creature could move at all, it would almost certainly tear itself to pieces after only a few steps, rotting flesh having little tensile strength.
And here i was hoping that he was going to compare Occupy Wall Street to a Broadway rendition of zombie horror….
This has always bugged me. I can think of dozens of different zombie meat grinders you could create using machinery that would be readily avaliable An industrial wood chipper with a ramp and some bait would draw them in by the hundreds. Build a few cattle shoots to funnel them in and the problem would resolve itself in a few days.
They could run them off a cliff like buffalo or in a city setting block off alleys and side streets, draw in as many zombies as possible and light them on fire. Burning zombies with fire seems to be underutilized in all the zombie media.
One of those MineWolf ‘flails’ the military uses to explode mines would work wonders on zombies. Most of the zombies look like they are getting ‘squishy’ anyway, so the flail would just turn them into mulch. Plus, the flails are well built, the doors are bomb (zombie) proof, and they run on diesel, so they’re green too. Everyone but PETA would be happy!
Anyway, JG is a genius. I even asked where all the military weapons got too last season, because the troops are obviously dead, eaten or zombified, where the hell are all their guns? And Jonah G. said what I say EVERY time I watch a movie where weapons are used.
“Yo, DUDE! Pick up ALL the weapons you can when the bad guys fall!! You’ve got a 12 shot, semi-auto Glock 9 in your mit. That ain’t gonna last but 10 more shots. 9, 8..7,6, …”.
If I was writing those flicks, by the end of the second firearms scene, my hero look like Adnan Khashoggi he’d be draggin’ so much fire power around!
And, on the zombie home front, I’d never be the guy pointing a pistol at the lead zombie, with a pistol going, “…kilcik, klick, KLICK!” I’d spend half my time looking for guns and ammo, and the other half hunting that MineWolf! I just Jonah Goldberg is my neighbor when it all goes pear shaped.
He always sounded like a reasonable man, his zombie fighting thoughts prove it.
Even without a mine wolf (one of my favs), it’s pretty trivial to make a flame thrower out of a gasoline-powered pressure washer or backpack weed sprayer. Zombies should burn quite well, and the flames might help sterilize the virus.
During the zombie outbreaks of the 19th century, cannons loaded with grape shot worked wonders.
One of my first strategies would be to clear and hold a good sized airport or an Air Force or Air National Guard base. Zombies can’t fly, mill around in herds, and are too dumb to take cover, making them perfect targets for aerial extermination. An airport would also be useful for maintaining recon flights of the local area, reconnecting with survivors near other airports, dropping pamphlets and radios to survivors scattered across the countryside, and establishing air links to small islands that can be easily cleared and used as safe havens, because zombies don’t swim and don’t sail, either.
Of course if you took a nuclear plant, you’d not only have power and really good fences, but you could power high-voltage, high-current electric fences that would crisp any zombie trying to cross.
George Turner,
great ideas. an airfield is usually clear for hundreds of yards in all directions, so you can see them coming a long way off. I’d get to use that .50 cal I’ve been dreaming of owning. But this was all I could think of after reading you’re electric fence idea.
Paraphrasing Lt. Col. Bill Kilgore,
“…I love the smell of burning zombies in the morning, it smells like victory!”
People forget that two types of zombie exist: Voodoo Zombies (V-Zombies) and Meat Puppets or Romero Zombies (R-Zombies). V-Zombies are reanimated by means of black magic and move by the power of the Forces of Darkness. They can be defeated by killing the voodoo master who created them, by throwing salt on them, or by physically destroying their bodies. R-Zombies are revenants — corpses made mobile and anthropophagic by material means (e.g., a virus). These creatures, while neurologically and metabolically dead, can be neutralized only by physical destruction of the brain, or by rendering them incapable of obtaining human tissue as food (e.g., by rendering them into pieces or making them incapable of movement).
Meaningful discussion of the V-Zombie is probably not possible. Such a creature is supernatural in nature and thus beyond the ken of science. I’m not sure how an R-Zombie is plausible. Such a being would seem to violate the laws of nature as we understand them, beginning with the thermodynamic laws. I also find it difficult to imagine how a non-living human corpse could be structurally capable of typical zombie behavior (e.g., shambling) once putrefaction has begun. Assuming such a creature could move at all, it would almost certainly tear itself to pieces after only a few steps, rotting flesh having little tensile strength.