…Before you fly away.
[Update a while later]
Following the lead of CAIR, as head of the Council of American-Simbergic Relations (CASR), I have just issued myself the following memo:
Special recommendations for Simbergic men who, as part of their quaint and colorful cultural tradition, are required to wear pants in public:
* If you are selected for secondary screening after you go through the metal detector and it does not go off, and “sss” is not written on your boarding pass, ask the TSA officer if the reason you are being selected is because of your trousers, and specifically your skivvies.
* In this situation, you may be asked to submit to a pat-down or to go through a full body scanner. If you are selected for the scanner, you may ask to go through a pat-down instead.
* Before you are patted down, you should remind the TSA officer that they are only supposed to pat down the area in question, in this scenario, the groinal region. They SHOULD NOT subject you to a full-body or partial-body pat-down.
* You may ask to be taken to a private room for the pat-down procedure of said trouser snake, and have it performed by a smokin’ hot woman. You may also ask for extra time, and cigarettes afterwards, if you smoke.
* If there is no woman available, or if she is insufficiently pulchritudinous and compliant with your special pat-down needs, instead of the pat-down, you can always request to pat down yourself, particularly the pelvic area, and have the officers perform a chemical swipe of your hands.
The latter won’t be a major imposition on me, because I already pat down my junkawesome and monstrous instrument of female pleasurin’ several times a day (only in the interests of security, of course), though I usually don’t have anyone to perform the requisite chemical swipe afterwards, so that will be a government-subsidized bonus for me. I am a vaguely semitic appearing person, and I am always very suspicious of me, as are most people who meet me, with good reason. I never know what I may have in my pants.
[Update mid afternoon]
I’m Intersexed. And although (now) even an OB/Gyn couldn’t tell that, that wasn’t always the case.
I know plenty of IS people with non-standard genital anatomy.
For us, it’s a big deal. I don’t mean the embarrassment, the remarks, and often the sheer malice we get from the ignorant and unwashed. I mean the additional searches, the delays, the missed flights. And should we be stupid enough to assert our “rights” under the law, the arrests too.
It’s not yet at the stage where the only option for us to travel overseas is to go by land to Mexico or Canada and fly from there, but it’s getting that way, and many of us are choosing that now.
We don’t get this crap when flying into Ben Gurion; there they have actual security, not Kabuki Theatre.
“I never know what I may have in my pants.”
Could it be… a GRRRAIL?
I have to fly for business at the end of the month. I don’t think I’ll have time to get a proper kilt by then (ref http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/11/tsa-opt-out-day-now-with-a-superfantastic-new-twist/66545/), so I may have to make sure I follow your memo above. I’ll write one to myself.
Along these lines… In the event the scanning becomes mandatory, I wonder if it would be possible to get a metal foil stick-on tattoo of the Simon Jester logo, and apply it to one’s “backside.” I aim to misbehave, and I refuse to be embarassed or humiliated by anyone at the TSA.
Back in 1975 when I graduated from infantry training, several of us discussed getting “Government Inspected Meat” tattooed on our asses. To the best of my knowledge, none did because the Army frowned on tattoos back then.
Given all the hassles government goons like the TSA are inflicting on the public, perhaps it’s now time for that tattoo. It seems the government is seeing us as so many pieces of meat.
Larry j just provided a new gag business. Big round Obama logo stickers that say “TSA Inspected” (like the USDA inspected). Business travelers can carry them and then after they pass security, slap it onto their zippers as a protest while waiting for their flight.
Careful, some politician intrigued by your special needs my pass an ear-mark (they may have to change that name) to fund a pat-down concession at your local airport, named, naturally, for Senator Robert Byrd. For the sole reason, of course, that everything else is named for him as well.
Lets all pop a Viagra prior to going through TSA screening.
E. M. Smith at Musings From the Chiefio has a Modest Suggestion:
http://chiefio.wordpress.com/2010/11/15/a-tsa-modest-suggestion/
Speedos and a trenchcoat would, I fear, be a cure worse than the disease in most cases.
I was in the San Fran Airport this weekend. I was planning to take a different tack. I was going to moan and lean into it as the search was performed. Unfortunately for me, and fortunately for my wife we were whisked along because of a late arrivals for a NY flight. Which begs the question. Why is it that the TSA can ignore all these rules and procedures when it is expedient for them? Could it be that they have little regard for the rules we are following and don’t’ believe they make us any safer than we do? Anyway I think my “protest” would have been more effective. If everyone Opted Out and would do the same the “creepy factor” would be so overwelming I’m not sure any TSA staff would show up for work the next day.
Let’s not forget that it is the Democrat regime of Barack Hussein Obama that is doing this. All the commentators seem to talk as if it is some disembodied injustice for which no one is responsible. No, BHO is the one behind the molestation of little kids by TSA agents, and the GOP need to repeat this over and over.
And please spare me the “they’ll call us racists” BS. Our troops abroad are willing to risk death, or even castration, in order to secure our freedoms. If the Republicans are so cowardly that they’re afraid of being called names, then we need to primary them out of there and, if necessary, violently overthrow the government.
Take your medication Ken.
This isn’t about politics. It’s about what happens when a bureaucracy gets a little too much power.
It isn’t about politics? Then why is Janet Napolitano defending the TSA’s actions?
To the Democrats, this is about the “right” of government employees to get sex from the lesser beings. Note that sex is the only right they support (watch Bill Maher if you doubt me).
jjs, it’s about what happens when the supreme court can grant exceptions to the bill of rights. The TSA operates under a 4th amendment exception around “borders” – which is loosely defined to include all airports, regardless of whether or not the travelers are leaving or entering the US. The frog was boiled slowly and its one of the most prominent examples of eroding rights.
You can forgive that first court ruling that intended to permit routine inspection of luggage, not people. You can forgive the next court ruling that allowed the introduction of metal detectors. What the hell they were thinking when they gave the TSA permission to make up their own definitions of what is and isn’t a reasonable search is anyone’s guess.
Oh, and then there’s us poor saps in other countries who have none of this “constitution” stuff to fall back on and have to suffer the indignity of being searched because.. well.. who the hell knows why.. it’s not like there’s ever been a hijacking or a bombing of a commercial airliner in my country.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I don’t refer to my magnificent instrument of pleasure as “junk.”
All my posts are not getting through, so I disconnected and reconnected to see if that does anything.
Only the pilot needs to be investigated. The passengers can be put in a secure area and decide for themselves if they are willing to fly with each other without any searching at all.
The rest is just idiocy.
The pilots don’t need to smuggle weapons on a plane. They already have full access to the controls in the cockpit. That’s what makes the TSA actions towards the pilots so stupid. Along with the rest of us, they’re treating the pilots as if they’re a threat. The pilots and cabin crew are the last line of defense against another 9/11 style attack, just after the other passengers. Since 9/11, passengers have acted several times to stop both actual attacks (as in the Shoe Bomber and Underwear Bomber) and passengers who got out of line. TSA should be treating people as security assets instead of treating everyone as a suspect. Fortunately, under the law that established the TSA, airports can establish their own security and kick out the TSA goons. If the number of passengers drop because of the TSA, don’t be surprised if airports drop the goons.
ken, the pilots should be investigated like any trusted employee sure. In regards to the passengers, I’d happily get on a plane with a bunch of people who have skipped the TSA checks.. but some people wont. As such, I think it is obvious: we should have a security concourse and a freedom concourse, and let people choose. Those who want to be poked and prodded by the TSA can go that way and those who don’t can fly with dignity.
Think I’m gonna side with “jjs” on this one – it’s cutting across all kinds of political boundaries; see, for example, TSA Backlash Week, written by a self-identified progressive – “… I’d pick the second line.” Right on!
You people are lucky. Have you ever tried entering the US as a non-US citizen? I had to travel to the US shortly after 9/11 and afterward. The ‘experience’ has only gone downhill since. Then there are things like the biometric passports the US foisted upon us. Every time I fly international I feel like I am in that airport scene in Total Recall.
How about letting anyone with a state-issued Concealed Carry permit to be discreetly armed aboard any flight?
I would be DELIGHTED to fly with a dozen or more armed citizens around me. I might even take my own pistol.
(My son who is a Federal law enforcement officer is therefore exempt by law from the no-gun rules and always flies armed after completing the required paperwork. He stops off at the flight deck while boarding and introduces himself to the pilots, as well as quietly informing the head flight attendant of his seat number, and all of the above always express their pleasure and gratitude at having him aboard.)
“Have you ever tried entering the US as a non-US citizen?”
If your name was Godzilla Gomez, you’d be handed a scholarship to U.C.L.A….
we should have a security concourse and a freedom concourse, and let people choose
Exactly, a market driven solution. Although there are some possible variations. The main thing is for passengers to have choices rather than rules coming down from above that they must comply or not fly.
I wonder if there will be as much wailing and gnashing when the Obamacare vampire nurses start drawing mandatory blood samples for their mandatory health insurance along with being forced to divulge one’s entire medical history to some insurance firm they don’t like.
I only have one thing to say: Beetlejuice
What, Rand, no dimmed lighting, or “Misty” playing softly in the private room?
As someone said somewhere – Way to improve security; two lines. One where everyone is watched while they eat a bacon sandwich; the other where everyone without exception is subjected to a full strip-and-body-cavity search. Result? No Muslims in the airports or on aircraft. This is a feature, not a bug.
The West could do SO much if we weren’t dependent on Dark Ages savages for energy. One thing would be to refuse landing rights for any ship or aircraft that has landed in any Muslim country in the last year.
The only aircraft that should visit any Muslim country from the USA should have B or F as the first letter in the model number.
yep, just keep being a racist, that’ll solve the problem.
“I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.” – W.C. Fields
Muslims aren’t a “race,” Trent.
In any case, profiling Muslims won’t necessarily work, as they could just wear Western clothes and lie. (And Islam being a religion, not a race, it’s not always easy to just tell who is a Muslim — Muslims from the former Yugoslavia can be blond and blue-eyed, and many tribes in Afghanistan are “Caucasian.”) What we need to do is completely change the psychology of how we do airport security. Right now everyone in the US treats an airport like their own home, where they are entitled to be left alone, and any stranger that impinges upon our personal psychological space — such as by asking where we are going, who packed our suitcase, etc. — is “intruding.” Well the two questions in that previous sentence are just part of what the Israelis do as a matter of course in their security checks. They are also trained to look at body language, which Americans are trained to ignore because it’s considered rude and probably racist to wonder why that person over there is nervous and sweaty and has shifty eyes and is wearing a bulky thick jacket in July.
Trent, I share a lot of your opinions, but here I have to disagree with your ad-hominem characterization. Mr. Christian is a culturist, or perhaps a religionist; but I don’t see any racism there.
That’s our central problem, isn’t it? Our anglosphere (culture again) sense of fair play conflicts with the inescapable fact that virtually all aviation terrorists are of a single readily identifiable religious/cultural background.
And Islam being a religion, not a race, it’s not always easy to just tell who is a Muslim — Muslims from the former Yugoslavia can be blond and blue-eyed, and many tribes in Afghanistan are “Caucasian.”
Andrea is correct. There are approximately 1 billion Muslims and they come in just about every race. The most populous Muslim nation on Earth isn’t in the Middle East, it’s Indonesia. There are also a lot of Muslims in the southern Philippines and China who aren’t at all Middle Eastern in appearance. The same applies for the millions of Muslims from Africa. Don’t forget converts like Richard Reid AKA “The Shoe Bomber”. Profiling against Muslims based on appearance is doomed to fail. What does a Muslim look like? They can look like anyone.
Then, I’d certainly get busted for wielding a WMD: Weapon of Mass Desire 😀
Sigh.. it’s not about Muslims, or blacks, or whatever other group you’d care to demonize. It’s about choosing freedom over tyranny. It’s about saying: sure there might be bad guys, but I’d rather live with the risk than with goons at a checkpoint.
Profiling against Muslims based on appearance is doomed to fail.
Yes, but observation and questioning before they board the plane, without any invasive search, if you can find people intelligent enough to do it, works.
The fort hood shooting demonstrates we seem to lack that intelligence. We’d better get it back or discover it soon or this nation will not endure.
I’d like to see an honest comparison of America today and 1930s Germany as to which is more tyrannical regarding it’s own citizens.