…so you don’t cry. Dave Barry reviews the year:
It was a year of Hope — at first in the sense of “I feel hopeful!” and later in the sense of “I hope this year ends soon!”
It was also a year of Change, especially in Washington, where the tired old hacks of yesteryear finally yielded the reins of power to a group of fresh, young, idealistic, new-idea outsiders such as Nancy Pelosi. As a result Washington, rejecting “business as usual,” finally stopped trying to solve every problem by throwing billions of taxpayer dollars at it and instead started trying to solve every problem by throwing trillions of taxpayer dollars at it.
He goes through it month by month.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of asphyxiated wisdom, it was the age of rampant foolishness; it was the epoch of fanatical belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Darkness, it was the season of even more Darkness; it was the spring of wishful thinking, it was the winter of despair; we had mirages before us, we had nothing before us; we were promised Heaven on Earth, we were all going the other way.
Well done, Alan.
Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket?
Lets see what I can do with “War of the Worlds.” Dems as Martians? Hey, about that birth certificate…Where’s Mulder and Scully when we need them?
Many were aware in the early years of the twentieth century that this nation was being watched keenly and closely by powers greater than the average citizen’s, yet mortal on Election Day (but only at the hands of an informed an active electorate); that as men busied themselves about their various concerns their economic activity were scrutinised and studied, perhaps almost as narrowly as a man with a microscope might scrutinise the transient creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water.
With infinite complacency many others went to and fro over this globe about their little affairs, serene in their assurance of their empire over their lives…Those others gave little thought to the national government as a source of human danger, or thought of it only to dismiss any threat much greater than the usual array of petty larcenies as impossible or improbable…Yet across the shores of the Potomac, powers that are to our powers as ours are to those of the beasts that perish, egos vast and cool and unsympathetic, regarded this citizenry with envious eyes, and slowly and surely drew their plans against us. And early in the twenty-first century came the great disillusionment.
Oops, the opener should read “late years of the twentieth century.”
Invoking another cultural metaphor, I think of 2009 as one big slasher movie. People get whacked left and right, authorities can’t (or won’t) stop it, random folks desperately try to fight back.
In that case, I guess the District of Columbia is Michael Myers and Sarah Palin is Jamie Lee Curtis. Now there’s a Photoshop waiting to me made.
I’d rather have the other Mike Myers in charge. Dr. Evil doesn’t know how to count to a trillion.
Dave Barry is the funniest man alive. Maybe ever.