Some encomia to his fellow hog wranglers and soy growers, from Iowahawk, who recently suffered a fourth-year bloggiversary:

As a native of the Hawkeye State, with family roots stretching five generations deep into the fertile black topsoil of America’s heartland pork basket, I have to roll my eyes when I hear these ignorant, envious complaints, which sometimes shows up in cruel jokes like “do you know what ‘Iowa’ stands for? Idiots Out Walking Around!” Hardy har har. Well guess what? You never hear Iowans joking about “Nerds Eating Weak Yellowy Overcooked Rubbery Kernels” or “Corn Appears Like It’s For Old Rats, Not Iowa Animals.” We could, but we don’t, because we’re not a bunch of jealous, insecure people with inferiority complexes about our corn production, and ear length and girth, like some ‘Super Tuesday’ states I could name.

Unfortunately, the jealous resentment of non-Iowa states sometimes takes a more pernicious form, such as trying to “leapfrog” Iowa by scheduling their primaries earlier and earlier. Nice try, non-Iowa states. You want to move to January 20th? Fine, we’ll reschedule to the 14th. January 7, you say? We’ll take Christmas Eve. No matter how early you set your political alarm clocks, Iowa will already be down in the electoral kitchen, waiting to serve you a couple of delicious sizzling strips of candidate bacon from our caucus frying pan. It’s our job, and it’s not like we’ve got anything better to do.

If you are a political activist from one of the various non-Iowa states, let me first say I understand the hurt and frustration and resentment you probably feel toward my state, and the overwhelming attention it gets during the campaign season. But I will also tell you that the most important step toward healing is acceptance: acceptance of your own natural insignificance, and the fact that Iowa will always be first because it is the one state uniquely qualified to be America’s official Presidential Sniff Tester.

Aren’t you glad we have Iowans to pick our presidents for us? Let us give thanks.